To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

I don't understand why these situations are so difficult to comprehend.
I don't have anyone I could rely on for support. I still live in the city I grew up in, but all of my long term friends went to uni and moved away. I work in a different city, so although I have close friends from work, they don't live nearby. I'm divorced, and although XH and I had a large close group of couples friends, they don't bothering contacting either of us anymore. I'm an only child, so no siblings. I have one cousin, who I am close to, but she works long hours and is a carer for her incapacitated mum (my aunt). My Mum is deceased, and my Dad is terminally ill. I am good friends with a neighbour, but she is an A&E nurse and works shifts. I don't really meet any of the other parents at school, because my child is in wraparound care to enable me to work. I wouldn't want to ask any of them for a favour anyway, because due to my lifestyle/schedule I'd never be able to repay them in kind.

It can happen quickly…
We had lots of family and friends before Covid, family have moved away, taking PIL with them (not entirely a bad thing!)
Friends seem to have either moved or no longer want to socialise, retreated into their families. Plus DH’s health has taken a turn for the worse so his pub and curry friends have dropped him as he no longer drinks. It’s all pretty rubbish really. Friends I used to meet for lunch/dinner no longer want to as COL. I’ve one great mate who I’ve known since primary school, just have to hope she doesn’t drop dead or emigrate I suppose!

I'm not! But that might be as I am one of these people here are a few reasons of mine:

I do not live anywhere near anyone I'm related to.
I have a limited number of really trusted friends.
Most of my friends live at a distance as careers have taken them all over the country and the world.
My husband's family live even further off than mine.

My husband's friends tend to be through his hobby, equally live all over.

We have some friends nearby. One couple both have disabilities and are more.likely to need my support.

Three singles, with no children of their own and seriously busy working lives (again, far more likely to ask us to do small favours).

I'm VERY nervous of who spends time with my children owing to my own poor experience of childhood with parents with low boundaries and expectations of their friends.

I'm also very unsure of myself and I'd really struggle to reach out as I don't want to be a nuisance.

I am not HUGELY social, it takes me a very long time to develop friendships (literal years) not everyone sticks around.

It is particularly usual for people to move away from family post university/ for careers in my experience. That and when most people work ultimately less friends are made at the school gate as you're just not able to get together for coffee after drop off etc.

The phrase ' there but for the grace of God' comes to mind. I've always made friends where I go. But after moving to a new part of the UK when the kids were young, I find myself some years on with no real friends. I made a couple of good friends with local mothers but they both moved abroad last year ( which was really upsetting if I am honest), meaning I now have no local friends to call on in an emergency. I am friendly with a couple of other mothers but they live too far away to really call on for help, and they are also very busy in their own lives. I probably could ask some of the school mums for help in a simple emergency that did not put them out too much.

I have found it really hard to start over in a new place. Most people seem to have established friendship groups and, whilst they are friendly enough to chat to, are not looking for new friends. With working full time and kids, I have limited time to invest in developing new friendships or investing in the sort of activities that would lead to new friendships.

So judge not. Its humiliating and upsetting enough to be in this position without threads like this of people sticking the boot in.

I really wish I knew how to make decent friends when you're in your 40s.

I'm autistic/ADHD but mask well so I normally get on OK in social situations, even when I might be feeling a bit confused inside! The ADHD side of me helps me to be more sociable certainly. I seem to get on well with people if I'm out at any events or get-togethers.

I have two autistic DC, one with high needs. They were at school until Y5 but are now home educated. I always found that the other parents at school were really nice but I was never really part of things as my DC were very clearly different and didn't socialise in the same way. I was very much an outsider and was just naturally excluded from lots of things. Of course, now we're home educating we don't see them any more at all.

We go to home education meet-ups and the other mums there are lovely, really welcoming. But they're all really good friends with each other and have known each other for YEARS. I get on well with them and we seem to have quite a laugh on meets while the children are playing, but that's as far as it goes. Also, most of us have DC that have additional needs so it's quite complicated to arrange a get-together. As they know each other so well they tend to just drop into each other as and when so it's not as if I'm excluded from big meet-ups.

My DP can't work any more due to ill-health and has been told not to go back to work by his neurologist. I am self-employed and WFH and have done for the past 14 years. So no work friends for either of us.

I do have a couple of friends but probably my closest friend has shown their true colours in the last year and I'm currently trying to figure out whether I have the courage to just drop the rope. I only speak to them once every few months at the moment. I have another good friend who is lovely but her life is pretty hard (really fucking hard actually) and it's impossible to even have a chat most of the time.

I care for my two DC, work full-time/self-employed, help to care for my DM who lives in my annexe (she has cerebral palsy), and I have to do pretty much most things around the house too due to DP's illness. Plus I have to fit in home educating the two DC. I don't know how to find friends when I have so little time to myself, or to socialise.

Also I find that most people my age already have their own established social circle and aren't really looking for more friends.

Pre-children I used to have friends that I got on well with when we went out and about but they've just slowly drifted away and we're no longer in touch.

I do feel like a massive failure in not having a circle of friends. I don't dwell on it too often but I have no idea how to fix it.

I don't act like a sad-faced billy-no-mates in real life, no matter how this post might read 😅

Having a husband who was terminally ill and at home on end of life care taught me that lots of friends are friends in name only.

I live over 200 miles away from family.

Most of the school mums were already in established friendships when we moved here and while I know them enough to say hello in passing, I don't know them enough for favours.

We don't really do playdates because of work commitments and after school activities.

I'm lucky that my eldest child is now old enough to babysit for a couple of hours in an emergency until my parents could get here from 300 miles away.

Really interesting and a bit of a sad thread for me… I feel like I had lots of neighbours/ friends/ local mums for many many years …. And then my daughter went to Uni, some friends and neighbours moved and things seemed to change, and especially after Covid it just all seems a bit quieter and I really lost contact with lots of people and have to drive a long way now to see close friends and family. :0(

I found this as well and lots of people I thiguht of as good friends were very disappointing and have drifted off completely since he died.

Several others have really stepped up and been invaluable though.

My family moved away and one child has SEN. She won't go with anyone and I can't help others in return as she struggles with people in the house.

I can see how it can happen, very easily.

I've been caring for my DH for years and it's been very difficult at times, to the point where I had to retire early. Between us we have literally 5 living relatives and they are 100s of miles away, in different directions. We do have friends who have stuck by us, give support and would be there (have been there) during a crisis, practically and emotionally. I don't think this is because I'm marvellous, but rather very, very lucky, given the number of people in our situation who find themselves pretty much abandoned. My heart goes out to them.

People move house.
People move jobs or retire or are unable to work due to health.
Parents die, no siblings or none nearby.
Don't have primary aged children so not around school drop off/pick up.
Work full time so use childcare for school drop off/pick up.
Work full time and have young children = little time for hobbies where you might make friends.

I thought I had lots of people I could rely on. People who I always helped out in the past. Until I became very unwell, then they all disappeared and didn’t really care and some were very unkind about it. Now I don’t see them in the same light anymore, so although I could list names of people I know, I now know that I can’t rely on them IYSWIM. So it is just me, my DH and my DC as far as I’m concerned.

I have 2 grown up children who live abroad. My parents are elderly, very helpful with other people but wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. Long story short.
Myself and partner are very happy, self sufficient but in an emergency we probably don't have anyone who would help. We are quite insular, spend all of our time outside work together, generally. Nice colleagues, happy work life but don't really spend an awful lot of time with other people.
We do have siblings, nieces, nephews and visitation sometimes but we're quite happy with life as it is.

If you've moved away from your hometown it's very feasible that you could have a decent circle of close friends who live far away, plus more casual friends you'd meet for after work drinks/a hobby group/etc but who you didn't feel you could call on in an emergency. And tbh even making those casual ties and maintaining old friendships is hard after your mid 20s!

I also think a lot of us aren't in a position to offer much support. Finances are stretched much more than they used to be, it's more common for both partners in a couple to need to work, on average we're working more hours than we used to for salaries that don't go as far. That's also stressful, so it's harder to ask for emergency babysitting help or to stay on someone's sofa etc etc, if that person has some level of stress trying to make ends meet when someone in their equivalent position 30 years ago would have been much more comfortable. It's a vicious circle because being able to offer and receive help is one of the best ways to strengthen friendships.

Forgot to mention, I had a terrible divorce many years ago and found out my friends were a bit shit.

Yep.

And the people who say things like "the holidays are so hard, my parents only take them for a week"

I'm lucky I made a good network with .y first born, but there's no allowance class Watts apps at our school so if you aren't friendly enough to swap numbers, you can't ask for help.

Some people are just unlucky. We don’t have any babysitting/ childcare/ general support, nursery emergency contact is a friend of mine. We are both from families with allot of ill health including mental health issues and addictions, so we have family but they don’t/ can’t support us in any substantial way.

TBH I didn’t realise how unfortunate we were until we had kids and saw how involved/ amazing other grandparents were. Gutted!

I used to live abroad so a whole bunch of friends are now in a different country, family live miles away as well then I was the only one from the friendship group I made to have kids and have struggled to maintain those friendships and generally I find it quite hard to make friends. I also am pretty introverted and after a day at work plus DC non stop chat I need some time to myself and don't always have the energy for other people. Luckily we do have a class what's app which I have used in an emergency but I don't feel like I have loads of people for support. Autistic DS as well so I feel it is asking a bit extra to ask someone I don't know well to take him

If your children attend a specialist school and travel by minibus or taxi paid for by local authority you never get to meet the other parents and if you do, we’ve all got enough on our plates dealing with our own kids disabilities to be helping out with others even in an emergency.

It is a me, me ME society and folks are so easy to go NC over the slightest issue!

Yes anyone with kids with SEN or disabilities or mental health issues will know how hard this is.

@elizzza for me it feels like putting too much on a friend or neighbour, considering all of them seem to have nearby family who help, so I’d never be able to repay the favour!