To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

[fossilgap]

It always strikes me as odd that a couple only have each other and nobody else to call on , and this has been the same for years on here, it’s not a new thing.
Of course with the family, this could be by choice, but surely everybody has a mate or two left unless you live in total isolation

@fossilgap I wfh full time. I used to have work friends before this job, but it’s hard to make connections in the same way when you’re always at home. I need the job as my ex left, it’s quite niche so not easy to find other jobs locally and go into an office.

I do have a few friends locally but they also have young children and jobs, they can’t drop everything to help out. So I rely on myself mostly. I have other friends scattered around but in different parts of the world. Part of the problem is I’ve moved a lot to study and work

No, age 16 to elderly age, reasons vary, mostly the younger ones are because they have aged out of the system or family have disowned them for one reason or another.

Im a specialist for the local council and housing associations (my previous role was a social worker) my role varies from all things housing to families in need of support and intervention. (Trying not to be outing).

what area are you in? PM me if you like, there is loads of support groups out there for people like yourself x

Me and DH don’t. Neither of us grew up in the place we live and so moved here as adults. My mum lives nearby and she’s amazing but my DH’s mum died last year and is brother is in Wales (where DH is from). His dad left 30 years ago and that was that and I’m NC with mine. I’m an only child.

Eldest DS has just started a specialist primary school but complex SEN means he missed 2 years of school and because of location, though I take DS the vast majority of the other children are brought by transport so no ‘mums’

I’ve had to give up my career because of DS and school, so no colleagues.

We thought we had friends until we reached crisis point with DS this year and realised that they weren’t the friendships we thought.

We genuinely have no one we could call on.

Oh! I thought I was being very empathetic and I thought this was rather a nice thread. Let’s not turn it into a slanging match.

This!!! Whole thread seems to have morphed in having no one to ask to take kids to or from school.

This probably is harsh but every single post you have posted (and others under a different username I'm sure) alludes to this victim mentality and "woe is me I'm an only child". Siblings don't guarantee nieces and nephews or prevent lonlieness in life. It isn't being an only child that will stop you feeling you lonely, while you continue to be stuck in this victim mentality, things will never change for you. You have the ability to lead a rich full life but its in your power to change.

Back to the topic, I think it's a complex answer. I didn't grow up near family as many people did, however my parents were very involved in our local community and I grew up surrounded by many family friends that helped us out more than family and I never lacked for anything and it's a model I hope to carry on going forward. However I appreciate there are many reasons why people can become isolated such as being a single parent and caring responsibilities.

Our whole society needs to be re-hauled. More affordable childcare, better flexibility and much much better support for carers so that people don't become so isolated from their communities.

I am not from England:
-my school friends live in my home country
-most of my family members too
-one sibling lives in another country and we have very little contact (not my choice)
-my PILs are both dead
-my SIL lives in another country (10
hours flight away)
-DH relatives live 4 hours away and are mostly older
-I WFH and my colleagues are 90% from all over the world
-my first DCs infant school years were during covid so didn’t make mum friends
-Not much time for hobbies due to work and small kids
-Dc2 at preschool, I don’t know the other parents, little baby classes for her as was born in pandemic

how shall I build a local network of family and friends?

It is so sad that there are so many lonely people. You see it on here all the time 'I don't have anyone I can talk to in real life about x'.

It looks to be happening more and more and with WFH and people choosing to be on social media instead of going out, seems to be getting worse. I grew up in an abusive home, so don't have any family apart from one sibling, but I work very hard at my friendships, I don't know what I would do without them, despite 7 moves in 10 years (thanks armed forces), I still have people I could call in a time of need, about 5 people who I'd say anything to and not be judged.

Whatever the circumstances I do encourage people to reach out, people want to make friends in my experience. It does take work and effort but it's so worth it.

Because the town I grew up in had no job opportunities. I remember always wanting to leave that town and not stay there. I always wanted to move away and get a different kind of job than that place could offer. I never felt like I fit in in my hometown. My husband isn’t from the same town as I am so we’d have to live away from one set of our families regardless. We met at university and we settled in the place that one of us got a job first because as it happens he’s from a town that had no opportunities.

We lived slightly closer to my husband’s work but we were more disconnected from all this socialisation that you think solves everything. We can’t afford to live any closer to my husband’s work than that because it’s an expensive city and an hours commute is not unreasonable. It’s also not unheard of that people live around the city, like a clock. We happen to be out at 2 on the clock face but his colleagues live at 12 and 10 and 7. We picked being slightly further out but more connected. I like living where we are. It feels like home. I like the proximity to things I enjoy doing in my spare time, I like that it’s a busy enough town without being a large city.

I have friends locally. Just not necessarily in the town I live. Again, it’s normal to have friends dotted around the city and the edges of it. I have a social life and see my friends as frequently as life allows. But they are still 30 minutes away, more if they are coming from work.

There are other emergencies other than childcare, which I covered in my first post, but when I have a young child any emergency is going to include an element of what do I do about childcare? And as such, who has a car seat and can get to nursery quickly. I have pets so there is an element of what do I about them too but my local mum friend is allergic so again it’s not an easy, straightforward solution. Any other emergency I can think of e.g broken leg and need some shopping or needing to get to hospital and have no car, I can do without relying on someone. My colleagues would probably offer to drive me home if I was suddenly very unwell but it would be a huge chunk out of their day and so I would only ask as a last resort, as in I’ve gone somewhere quiet to rest and dose up and I’m progressively getting worse but not so bad that I need an ambulance. I couldn’t move in with someone if my house had a fire because I have a kid and pets and it’s a lot of disruption for someone, so home insurance would need to find somewhere for us to go. If I had a fire, I’m sure I could knock on my neighbours door and ask for a blanket and to use their phone to call the fire engine but I don’t see what support they would offer beyond basic human decency.

The other thing that strikes me is that you can do everything right, prioritise this, take positive action etc. but about 50% of any relationship is down to the other person. Sometimes people just seem to lose interest in you and some people aren't open to forging new connections because they already have enough friends and family or they are misanthropes.

As one school mum bluntly told me “I have enough friends already”

But on MN I hear you have made your bed you should just get on with it and not expect anyone to help you. It’s very confusing at times as it seems we should have a village but can’t ask or rely on this village

If you've moved away from your hometown it's very feasible that you could have a decent circle of close friends who live far away, plus more casual friends you'd meet for after work drinks/a hobby group/etc but who you didn't feel you could call on in an emergency.

This is us, I still have close friends from school but we're spread around the country. My OH is not from the UK so none of his family over here, my parents and siblings all now live abroad. I've worked away from home a lot so friendships I've made through work are also spread around the country. I have people I'm friendly with through a hobby but they're more casual. In a catastrophic emergency, I'd have people to help, but something more along the lines of not having a lift to hospital I'd struggle with.

I am a bit confused. I only have one username. Anyway I am aware it is in my control, but I feel I have to work harder than those who have a ready made family. I think that is fair enough to say.

We had a system of queueing onto the street at our primary school since covid where you never got to speak to anyone apart from the person you happened to queue next to. It suited the teachers but meant you never got to know anyone.

@Starfish89 but everyone has to work hard at friendships and relationships whether they have a "ready made" family or not. You seem to have this almost mythical and unrealistic notion that having siblings would solve all your problems and prevent lonlieness. This thread is testament that isn't the reality for a lot of people. I can't stand to be the same room as my siblings, do you think I have it easier than you then? Again, while you stay in this victim narrative you tell yourself, nothing will change for you.

I do agree! I just find it hard when I see others who are close to their siblings. Or when you read threads on here in which people say they would be 'lost without their siblings'. And siblings can help provide wider family for your own children too (cousins, aunts and uncles) but obviously it doesn't always work out like that I know.

lol this is so true 😆

what is it that you don't understand? It's not the case for everyone but it cannot be that hard to fathom that different people have different circumstances?

I have two children with complex needs and challenges behaviours. Wanna befriend me and help to look after them? Havening disabled children has been the most isolating experience of my life. I am sure I am not the only only one. Family lives abroad and no siblings. There just isn't support. HTH.

Lived in area where I met many friends like that - knew so many people never been so settled - we had to move for work - kids pre school years and new area was completely different.

I did the same things in both areas parks, groups - and later school and most didn't want to know - took few years once they started school to get anywhere.

In second area everyone had family and had grown up in area - they couldn't understand why we didn't have family help. I did get to point I worried it was me Once we'd moved on - which was a relief in many ways - later saw posts on here with people who'd had exactly same experiences in same town.

Areas differ.

But its not always because you dont have any friends…i can reassure you most of the people have close or not so much friends, or friendly people around for a chat or a coffee etc etc, but it doesnt mean we are comfortable leaving our kids with them and even if we are, in many many cases they have their own kids, own job, own responsibilities and many cannot just do ad hoc help, so basically then you still have no one around to help and you are on your own. It doesnt mean we dont go out, live in a cave, and are not capable of chatting to people or have no one to call…

I love you @Starfish89 😗😅😉

I do agree though that mn does attract people who are quite insular though, I remember it was on here that I first saw the concept that people didn’t answer the phone or the door, this was years ago.
I’d never heard of such people before. Yes, yes, probably my fault but I found this quite extraordinary.

Thanks, I guess 🤔

I don't know why so many people are surprised? It feels like you're being very small minded. I have a good network but can understand why others don't.
There's a whole world outside your bubble.. a world of introverts, people who just hang out with their family they live with, shy people, people who don't want to rely on anyone, people who've been hurt in the past, people with addictions etc..