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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

160 replies

ohmyine · 22/09/2024 20:56

They all seem fine on the surface, but after getting to know a few of them a bit more, there are so many red flags.

I know my title is a bit dickish, what does ' normal ' mean anyway?

But basically I'm finding things tricky. I'm friendly and outgoing and make connections quickly.

I keep meeting moms daily and thinking that they seem really lovely and then after a while I realise they're really not ok actually and then it becomes tricky as I obviously need to continue being somewhat friendly. I can't work out if I'm missing some sort of radar, but I genuinely can't really tell at first who's going to not the best person to hang around with.

Case and point I've been super friendly with one mom and I've got to know her better and she's just so mean about other people. Completely slating others for literally no real reason. She seemed so sweet and nice and then we went for a coffee and she let rip and I couldn't believe the stuff she said.

Another one was also super nice for months and months, then I got to know her better and she kept telling me what I was doing wrong with my kids. ' oh you shouldn't say this or that ' and just being generally super condescending.

There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully,

But how can you tell ? Everyone seems so nice at first.

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 22/09/2024 21:03

The only way that you can really begin to see a person's real character is by spending time with them. I don't think that there is any way around that. I once was getting to know a woman, and the same thing happened, that she made a very uncalled for comment about someone that I felt was unkind. I did not say anything, I think I was rather taken aback by her spite tbh. I just distanced myself from her.

Lavender14 · 22/09/2024 21:08

I think op that mum friends can be difficult because the ONLY common factor you have that connects you and puts you in each others paths in the first place is the fact you both have kids the same age. So you're not connecting over your own hobbies/interests/values etc you're sort of just thrown together because your kids have been thrown together and you're trying to make something work organically that isn't really that organic. Like think of all the people you've come across in work or life who you've not bothered taking a friendship further with. Because you're doing those things for yourself rather than for your kids to have connections. I think you just do what you're doing - be nice and friendly to everyone and time will tell if they're worth continuing to invest in.

fiorentina · 22/09/2024 21:10

I think it’s hard when the only thing you may have in common is having children! Doesn’t mean their wider interests or views are the same as yours.
I have met some I get on well with but have largely focused on maintaining other friendships - old school/uni friends and work colleagues who I have more in common with..

Ifailed · 22/09/2024 21:10

You're there to pick up/drop your kids. Why worry about anyone else doing the same, they have nothing to do with you?

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 22/09/2024 21:12

Isn't it the same with anyone when you're getting to know them OP? We meet people from all walks of life, we think they seem nice, so arrange to spend more time together, until we decide whether they're really 'our' people, in which case it's possible you become life long friends, or, we find out that we disagree about things that actually matter to us, and then decide that they're not good friendship material after all. You are obviously spending a lot of time in the playground at the moment, so they're the people you're meeting, but equally, if you worked in a large company, or a school, etc., you might find that of all the people you got to know, there were actually very few that you would want to spend a LOT of time with.

SkaneTos · 22/09/2024 21:15

"There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully"
Spend time with those mums.

Maybe try meeting friends in other places than school?
What are your interests/hobbies?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/09/2024 21:20

Why do you have to “hang around” with anyone. You only see for a few minutes a day.
Hang around with sounds like something a 13 year old would say not a fully fledged adult.

BlackOrangeFrog · 22/09/2024 21:21

Ours are all seemingly Stepford Wives.
Like 90% if them wear the same clothes of high end dark colour sports leggings, expensive light/neutral hoodie, in the same black cars that are 2022 or newer SUVs, holding beige Stanley mugs, pushing the same brand of buggy for their babies etc.
They all seem to be "kept" women. All very similar. All seemingly in their way to the gym.
Or often found inviting each other to the local gastro pub for brunch/lunch after dropping kids off

It's all a bit eerie.

and then there's me in my 2010 blue Vauxhall and just wearing casual office wear and no beverage in sight

Itonlytakesadiagram · 22/09/2024 21:23

I would find it easier to navigate a moon landing than "hang around" with other school mums. The conversations I over hear are appalling. They are so mean about each other. I'm happy to keep myself to myself.

TheChosenTwo · 22/09/2024 21:24

Top tip - arrive at school as the doors are opening and the kids are being flung out. Get yours and go. No need to have to talk to anyone.
I did this for years (I also worked at the school so it was always timed to perfection!).
I had enough friends elsewhere and didn’t need to scope out anyone based on the fact that we happened to have had kids at a similar time.
I’m sure loads of the parents were lovely but I just cba with small talk.

Goldbar · 22/09/2024 21:54

What is "normal"? Very few of us are actually ok. A few may be, but many of us are stressed and overloaded and running around like headless chickens and trying to hold our shit together because it's expected. Most people have issues of some description. I agree, avoid the ones who are actively mean but give the rest a break.

poppyzbrite4 · 22/09/2024 21:58

I think your problem is that you say you make connections quickly. You obviously need to slow down and take your time. You're right to back away at red flags like bad mouthing people.

Rerrin · 22/09/2024 22:00

They’re just people with kids in the same school. You’re as likely to find them likeable or dislikeable as any other twenty five randomly chosen people.

Stop being ‘super-friendly’ with virtual strangers until you get a better sense of what they’re like.

kiwiane · 22/09/2024 22:10

I agree that you shouldn’t expect to make good friends through school - if it happens then you’re fortunate. I met a handful through playgroups, nursery and school but this was over 5 children and 20+ years.

Dunnoburt · 22/09/2024 22:15

On the flip side I've met my best mate from the school run..... kids now in year 4, in that time I've sorted the wheat from the chaff and now just exchange pleasantries with the others.....time will tell.....

Edingril · 22/09/2024 22:15

Ifailed · 22/09/2024 21:10

You're there to pick up/drop your kids. Why worry about anyone else doing the same, they have nothing to do with you?

This, sure I chatted sometimes but it seems perfectly normal people at the thought of going to a school become this wanting to turn it into an American TV movie

We are there to do a job if we meet people great but if, and a big if, you come across like an over eager puppy it may put people off

Just be yourself and maybe calm down

AuntieJoyce · 22/09/2024 22:19

I used to think I had nothing in common with school mums on the days i dropped and collected. I realised as my child got older that the women that were like me were working in professional roles so they weren’t at the school gates necessarily.

In year six we all ended up getting together to do some fundraising and I got to know these mums a lot better.

I don’t mean by this post that professional women are more “normal”, just that in my case I had more common with them.

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 22/09/2024 22:20

Are you American op?

Dramatic · 22/09/2024 22:22

All people have flaws, all my friends have flaws and do things that I don't agree with but at the end of the day you can either be picky about these things or you can accept the "bad" bits of people because you enjoy spending time with them the majority of the time.

Freshflower · 22/09/2024 22:33

I've noticed this too. Anytime I try and get to know someone there is always something, like they begin to get a bit too controlling and too much in my life, nosey, or wanting to spend all the time with me, , or one will talk non stop and you can't get a word in edge ways. Another I used to take their kids in the morning sometimes so they could go to work early but she started expecting it every morning. Another one who seemed really friendly starting shouting at me as apparently her child had got upset about something my child said , it really was nothing, something said as a joke that offended her. I usually just drop my child off now and keep myself to myself and will only smile and say hello to a few of the parents

GauntJudy · 22/09/2024 22:45

A few people have said "so what, these people are just dropping their kids" That's true but I do think it would be nice to form some sense of community around school life.

I'm jealous of my "real life" friend who has formed a tight group of parent friends, so much so that they all go on holiday together. The main benefit being reciprocal childcare and the kids practically feel like family.

I do feel a bit isolated as my ds is an only child and I'm a lone parent. I'd love to have a wider network. I've tried to be friendly without seeming desperate and so far have managed to be on texting terms with one mum, and I sometimes meet my ds best friends mum for coffee while the boys do an activity. I suspect that will be the extent of my friendships given ds leaves primary school in 1.5 years!

I actually did a lot better with friendships at nursery, mostly cos one persistent mum welcomed me into the fold and is a great organiser so we all meet up a few times a year. Thank god for that!

OrwellianTimes · 22/09/2024 22:49

Because the normal ones have been so put off by the two faced queen bee ones that all they do is scuttle in, drop kids, and run away as fast as they can hoping only to smile and peg it with seeing as few other parents as possible.

Suzuki70 · 22/09/2024 22:49

TheChosenTwo · 22/09/2024 21:24

Top tip - arrive at school as the doors are opening and the kids are being flung out. Get yours and go. No need to have to talk to anyone.
I did this for years (I also worked at the school so it was always timed to perfection!).
I had enough friends elsewhere and didn’t need to scope out anyone based on the fact that we happened to have had kids at a similar time.
I’m sure loads of the parents were lovely but I just cba with small talk.

This is me. I walk home with one mum but we have known each other ages as our kids went to the same nursery and we have both seemingly decided we can do 20 minutes chat without annoying each other!

WandaFishy99 · 22/09/2024 23:01

In my experience it's not a good idea to get too friendly with the primary school "clique mums".
I got to know 2 or 3 that I really liked and are still friends with me. I was polite to the clique mums but just didn't get involved. We had nothing in common anyway, only that our kids were in the same class.

WhiteCatsRock · 22/09/2024 23:15

Don’t do this to yourself. Make friendships based on shared interests - not the sheer fact your kids attend the same school.

I somehow wound up with some mums at the gates at one school. Nothing but hell. I remember when I moved my kids schools I swore never to befriend anyone at those gates. It was BLISS, the school run was enjoyable and no one knew anything about me and vice versa

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