Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

[ohmyine]

They all seem fine on the surface, but after getting to know a few of them a bit more, there are so many red flags.

I know my title is a bit dickish, what does ' normal ' mean anyway?

But basically I'm finding things tricky. I'm friendly and outgoing and make connections quickly.

I keep meeting moms daily and thinking that they seem really lovely and then after a while I realise they're really not ok actually and then it becomes tricky as I obviously need to continue being somewhat friendly. I can't work out if I'm missing some sort of radar, but I genuinely can't really tell at first who's going to not the best person to hang around with.

Case and point I've been super friendly with one mom and I've got to know her better and she's just so mean about other people. Completely slating others for literally no real reason. She seemed so sweet and nice and then we went for a coffee and she let rip and I couldn't believe the stuff she said.

Another one was also super nice for months and months, then I got to know her better and she kept telling me what I was doing wrong with my kids. ' oh you shouldn't say this or that ' and just being generally super condescending.

There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully,

But how can you tell ? Everyone seems so nice at first.

It's actually case IN point, not casing point, whatever that is.

Are there any Dads that you can chat to?.

At my DD's school it wasn't really the DC that encouraged the friendships, it was getting to know people and there was a tendency I noticed for older parents so late 30,s plus to be more likely to be friends and those in there 20s or early 30s to be friends.

Guys, what I'm finding now is that because I've been friendly- everyone always chats do me and I really can't be bothered.

Especially with the ones I've worked out are absolute dicks who I wish I never spoke to in the first place.

Hate bumping into people now. I wish I had never been friendly in the first place.

This is the attitude I have and it’s so freeing. Even with this attitude I’ve made friends with a handful of really lovely mums on the school run over the years. It’s been a slow burn though as the ones I like are the quieter ones. I avoid the loud ones like the plague.

Hmm I know what you mean, I met a mum who I thought was really nice but she seems to have it in for a particular couple where the mum is a bit of a high flier (we are both SAHM’s her own husband earns quite a bit). She doesn’t even know them that well, I do and they are really, really nice people (especially the mum, she’s really smart but also very self effacing). i means she says stuff about their perfectly normal children as well. I never actually attribute stuff to jealousy but yup that there is jealousy of a woman with a stellar career. Really put me off her.

Another mum started giving me a lecture about how god had written my life out already so I shouldn’t worry. Bless her she’s still lovely so we are still mates but I avoid anything that may trigger a god chat.

We are all people, none of us are perfect and the school gate is a bit of a weird one. But yes my default setting is very friendly and I have found some people to be quite unpleasant with repeated contact and sincerely regret making an effort at all.

Just say hi, smile politely, don’t say much, just drop your kids off or pick them up and then get out of there as quickly as you can.

The common denominator in all these relationships that go wrong is presumably you… ?
Just pointing this out.

Nothing has gone wrong though.

I just worked out that I don't like them after getting to know them better. There's been no drama.

The problem with try to make friends with ‘school mums’ is that you are trying to form a friendship based on the fact that you have kids around the same age. That’s it and nothing else.

If someone is an awful person they won’t put that on show at the school gates. Seeming nice at the school gates for 10 mins twice a day means nothing. There’s no indication that you will actually get on. So if you really want to make friends there you will have to go through the process of getting to know them, many times before you find one that turns into an actual friend.

DS sometimes went to breakfast club but on the days he didn’t, I would drop and run.

This sums up my view.

Also, you’re only throw together with them because you all bred at the same time. Children are not interests, so it’s not like you’ll have much common ground. Each of the mums will have their own views, issues, stresses and concerns.

if you find there’s a queen —bitch— bee, then redirect yourself and avoid, but otherwise just try to remember they are unlikely to become your best friends. And when the kids move on to the next school and change friend groups, you may never see them again.

Perhaps your enthusiasm for friendhip overwhelms them?
You've written that they are 'super nice', 'super', 'sweet and super'
Then they are mean. And you address us as 'Guys'
It seems as if you need to rein in your excitement and as by the sound of it, you are very young, temper your enthusiasm to be friendly

Actually, it is 'case in point', to mean an example

the correct phrase, attested by centuries of use, is "case in point." "Case and point" is an eggcorn. The idiom "case in point" dates to the 1600s and refers to an instance or example that supports, or is relevant or pertinent to, what is being discussed.

If these women did not have children in your child's class would you become friends with them?

You may have nothing else in common

I never bothered with mum friends.

Having a school age child doesn't change your personality, they aren't like they are because ofbwhere you meet them, thats just they way they are.

I don't understand the point about only knowing them because your children are the same age, you only know your school friends because you are the same age, your work frienda because you have the same employer, your gym friends because you exercise at the same place and time, you get my point.

One source of friendship isn't inherently better that any other. In my many years of being a school mum I've never come across all the drama that seems to beset posters on here. In my real life experience no one cares who makes friends and who doesnt

I have always got on quite well with the mums at my children’s schools but I am not close to any of them. An interesting chat from time to time while I’m waiting for my child is always good. I don’t need, or expect them to be life long friends.

Right, so most mums are fine, a couple have turned out to be dicks but in general you can’t be arsed to talk to people anyway.

Great thread title.

That common denominator aspect is always true of one’s own life.

As the OP says There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, your presumption is misplaced.

Well, you seem pretty red flagish yourself right now OP. Going on about them all being odd, but actually you have made friends, so they’re not all odd? And now you’re plagued by them being friendly?!?! The horror!

Just say hi in the playground and leave it there. You can be friendly to someone you don’t like, it makes the world turn a lot more smoothly. Or if you really find them offensive, tell them.

I think that's quite a common experience.

Out of a class of 25 mums, I made real friends with two mums. The others either loved their 'dramas' or had wildly dodgy political views, or were cliquey and only made friends with people with the 'right' car etc.

Just keep trying and hopefully you'll find someone who shares your values.

They are just women. What you are saying is why aren't women who have had a child normal? Your mother was one of them, you are one of them, your grandmother was one of them, you probably have a friend who is one of them. Women are different and having had children doesn't make you more compatible as we don't alter our personalities just because when we become mothers, so what you are saying is that you have issues finding common ground with other women. You just happened to find these women outside a school.

Can you tell that it irks me when people use school mums in a derogatory way? Most of us on this thread have probably been a school mum and we are perfectly normal.

Tbh, for me, it’s a gut feeling. I can tell who’s genuine and who is not the very first time I meet them, and I’m always right. It’s an intuition that I’m thankful for. My mom had so many friends when I was growing up. She’s a social butterfly. Loves to be friends with everyone, but then almost every one of those friends were flaky and backstabbers. She only had a handful of loyal that stayed with her. I learned from what she went through that not everyone will be your friend. I’m an introvert so I don’t have a lot of friends I hang out with. I’d rather stay at home and be with my family. It’s stress free that way.

I have this exact same problem! And I thought that I was just sensitive but yes I'm finding the same issues. They don't seem to have matured.

WELL, I've just learned the term "eggcorn" so ta for that pp. Never heard it in my life before! Does it start from "acorn" perhaps?
Re: the school mums I always thought I was the daggy one so if I was early, I would stand to the side, smile and wave to the few I knew and then sit on a seat and read ..... a book! Turned out later people thought I was formidable because I was so young ( very young mum with my oldest 2 ) and slim , sadly no more , and was reading. Ended up friends with half a dozen or so.
Never to the extent to go camping or on holidays together. Not my thing, but was never asked.
I fear I have RBF.

I think this should be a sticky at the top of every ‘school mums’ post.

It is genuinely baffling why people don’t grasp that ‘school mum’= ‘a female person who had a child around the same time as you’. They have exactly the same probability of being ‘normal’ as any other random section of the population.