Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

[ohmyine]

They all seem fine on the surface, but after getting to know a few of them a bit more, there are so many red flags.

I know my title is a bit dickish, what does ' normal ' mean anyway?

But basically I'm finding things tricky. I'm friendly and outgoing and make connections quickly.

I keep meeting moms daily and thinking that they seem really lovely and then after a while I realise they're really not ok actually and then it becomes tricky as I obviously need to continue being somewhat friendly. I can't work out if I'm missing some sort of radar, but I genuinely can't really tell at first who's going to not the best person to hang around with.

Case and point I've been super friendly with one mom and I've got to know her better and she's just so mean about other people. Completely slating others for literally no real reason. She seemed so sweet and nice and then we went for a coffee and she let rip and I couldn't believe the stuff she said.

Another one was also super nice for months and months, then I got to know her better and she kept telling me what I was doing wrong with my kids. ' oh you shouldn't say this or that ' and just being generally super condescending.

There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully,

But how can you tell ? Everyone seems so nice at first.

Mumsnet would be a pretty silent forum if we all took that approach

Seems unlikely with lingo like ‘dickish’ and ‘slating others’, but I don’t think it matters.

It’s not ‘casing point’. 😳

I’m mortified for you, this is what happens when you needlessly correct people’s spag.

What’s the problem then? It doesn’t really matter that you don’t like them you know. It’s not like they’re members of your partners family and your stuck with them. Just stop looking for drama overthinking it.

But @beanii clearly knew what the OP meant.

@SweetSakura was right to call to call her out on it.

The point is that the OP has wasted time on getting to know these people.

She wants to know how to better understand people before she wastes time on them.

OP, my own advice is to go with your gut. If you sense they’re not going to be a good friend, just drop them.

Yeah but it sounds like she isn’t really friends with these people just on friendly terms with them. It shouldn’t be that difficult to manage if she wants to distance herself from them.

As for wasting time, well you can’t understand someone without getting to know them so don’t know if there’s much that can be done about that 🤷‍♀️

Some people like to make friends and it’s not always easy when you have small children. It’s not uncommon to connect with people you see every day, who live in your area, chose a school with a particular ethos/values, share the constraints of caring for small children, etc. Often it’s just friendly small talk but sometimes when people chat frequently they find they have other things in common, similar values, sense of humor, etc. Over the years I’ve been lucky to meet a few women in the schoolyard who over time become very dear lifelong friends. Many others are more like friendly acquaintances but we support each other, give each other reminders and answer last minute questions, share outgrown uniforms, help with dropoffs and pickups, etc., all of which is invaluable for busy parents.

Yeah, except OP has said she doesn’t want anything to do with them because she doesn’t like them.

Exactly @beanii was the one being mean (incorrectly so as well!). It was fair to call it out.

Yet when people post about not having friends the standard response is 'what about the other mums at your child's school?'

So glad i don't do the school gate run anymore. My dc's are all teenagers but when I did drop and collect from school I found it very clicky. I was always hi, bye with a smile. I was lucky to have met one lovely mum and we have been friends for a long time due to our ds's starting in reception together. I moved from a city to a tiny village school so everyone was either related or grew up with each other. I don't miss the school run one bit.

I gave up years ago, kept to myself as they all clicky like we in secondary school. I did secondary school so not dealing with adults acting that way now. So ridiculous

At the mainstream primary school our DC went to they seemed lovely, but it was usually breakfast club drop off and only 2 days a week doing start of school. So many of them, you get to know a few, especially with party invites. I'm aware it's just a case of being friendly, getting along, wouldn't have the intention to form a friendship group. Maybe some natural friendships would develop but wouldn't be bothered if they didn't. I guess if your child formed a close bond then there would be more expectation to get to know each other better. For me it was a short part of the day, quick chat, then off we all go.

I'm sure it's different if you are there every day and can be awkward as you feel obliged to part of it all. X

You don’t have to be friends with them. Just drop off/pick up then leave. I got fairly friendly with only one mum, not just because she was a mum but I actually liked her. The others I was just on nodding terms with, which worked very well for me!

Agree with pretty much all that’s been said.

Be chatty with everyone and you’ll find the people who have similar interests. Clique mums best avoided. I have a couple of close friends who have kids same year group and they are people we have things in common with.

Do t give too much thought to the other mums.

"Normality" what really is that? If we were to discover exactly what others really think of us, would any find friends! Wonder how you would come out!😳

You aren't missing some huge red flag through poor radar OP. You're just discovering that people are a complicated mix of behaviour, some positive, some negative. Those mums still have the qualities that attracted you, you've just discovered that like every human on the planet, there's some undesirable traits too. With any relationship, once you discover the negative traits, you balance them against the positives to decide if overall the person is for you, which will depend on your own values and boundaries. For example, I could put up with some criticism of my parenting from an otherwise decent woman who was fun, good company etc, but the nastiness about other people would be too much to overlook. All you can do is apply your own standards to this. But don't look for perfection. You'll not find it, and in these sorts of functional friendships, you don't need it.

my son isnt of school age yet but, both me and my husband call it the mummy mafia 😂

Why? When your child starts school are you going to become a different person, or do you think you will be the only "normal" mum there?

If course you won't, these are just people who happen to have school age children you're talking about, not some strange other apecies

Why do people have such an issue with mums, especially school mums?

They have a friendship group and they're a 'clique'. They invite their own personal friends to the park, a party or event and they're excluding others- people who they've never spoken to but incidentally have children in the same class. They just exist and they're the 'mummy mafia'.

Why is it school mums. People don't speak like this about women at work (to the same extent at least). Why do school mums need to be friends with everyone they come across, invite every single person in the school to everything and never ever be preoccupied with something else?

It's bonkers.

All I can think of they don't work and their while life is their partner and children, they have no other interests other than the school run so it is all encompassing with them

No I don't get it but some people live their lives like that

This exactly!! Why are you trying to "hang around" anyway? Drop kid and go about your business, problem solved, nobody judging anybody, Hi and Bye if you really need to engage but it really is not your business to be trying to "hang" with them.. be happy to hang kid-free, by yourself, treat yourself to a mani/pedi or work out or catch up on any missed chores or laundry .. There is soo much for a mum to do in just one day.. where do you even find the time to "hang around" ? Asking for a friend..

You and your husband sound slightly demented then. Why would you be so judgmental about a group of people that you've never met?? Will you be happy when your son is at school and some random weirdo dubs you part of the 'mummy mafia'?

Fucking hell! If this sort of misogyny comes from women what hope do we have? It’s just women of different ages with different interests. They are not a mummy mafia for fuck’s sake. Do you use derogatory nicknames for women who play football or women who are a part of a book club too?