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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

160 replies

ohmyine · 22/09/2024 20:56

They all seem fine on the surface, but after getting to know a few of them a bit more, there are so many red flags.

I know my title is a bit dickish, what does ' normal ' mean anyway?

But basically I'm finding things tricky. I'm friendly and outgoing and make connections quickly.

I keep meeting moms daily and thinking that they seem really lovely and then after a while I realise they're really not ok actually and then it becomes tricky as I obviously need to continue being somewhat friendly. I can't work out if I'm missing some sort of radar, but I genuinely can't really tell at first who's going to not the best person to hang around with.

Case and point I've been super friendly with one mom and I've got to know her better and she's just so mean about other people. Completely slating others for literally no real reason. She seemed so sweet and nice and then we went for a coffee and she let rip and I couldn't believe the stuff she said.

Another one was also super nice for months and months, then I got to know her better and she kept telling me what I was doing wrong with my kids. ' oh you shouldn't say this or that ' and just being generally super condescending.

There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully,

But how can you tell ? Everyone seems so nice at first.

OP posts:
EI12 · 26/09/2024 08:17

You can't fight biology. We, women are smaller and weaker than men, and therefore are not likely to engage in open physical fight. Therefore character assassination and reputation destruction, bitching has been women's mode of behaviour for women. With feminisation of men for the past 30 years or so, we begin to notice that men are beginning to get engaged in similar behaviour, but not so much, naturally.

Why do you feel you have to be friends with them? Don't you have proper, real friends of long standing?

I would be giving it a thought if they were horrid to children - like singling out a child and not inviting him to birthday parties, etc. But adults? Bugger the lot of them.

Calamitousness · 26/09/2024 08:17

I need to ask OP @ohmyine Why do you use the spelling of mum as mom. Are you American? I only ask because I’ve seen it so often on here and I didn’t think there were that many American posters so genuinely wonder if it’s creeped into some English/British/Irish users?

DoIWantTo · 26/09/2024 08:19

If you think everyone around you is abnormal the chances are the problem is with you, not them.

Edingril · 26/09/2024 08:19

I am not sure wlbut it feels when children start going to school the parents act as the same maturity level

You are all there because your children are, you may make friends or may not

But it seems to bring out neurosis or something just be yourself and move on

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2024 08:19

Calamitousness · 26/09/2024 08:17

I need to ask OP @ohmyine Why do you use the spelling of mum as mom. Are you American? I only ask because I’ve seen it so often on here and I didn’t think there were that many American posters so genuinely wonder if it’s creeped into some English/British/Irish users?

Mom is used in the UK. It's used in Birmingham and Black Country (and other areas).

Just UK dialect.

Rerrin · 26/09/2024 08:24

EI12 · 26/09/2024 08:17

You can't fight biology. We, women are smaller and weaker than men, and therefore are not likely to engage in open physical fight. Therefore character assassination and reputation destruction, bitching has been women's mode of behaviour for women. With feminisation of men for the past 30 years or so, we begin to notice that men are beginning to get engaged in similar behaviour, but not so much, naturally.

Why do you feel you have to be friends with them? Don't you have proper, real friends of long standing?

I would be giving it a thought if they were horrid to children - like singling out a child and not inviting him to birthday parties, etc. But adults? Bugger the lot of them.

Quite apart from the internalised misogyny of your post, this makes no sense.

Women are generally smaller and weaker than men, sure — but they’re not generally smaller and weaker than other women, so there is absolutely no biological reason why women shouldn’t knock seven bells out of one another on a regular basis.

What is it in your life that has hurt you into seeing other women as titanic agents of ‘character assassination and reputation destruction’?

Cluborange666 · 26/09/2024 08:27

I remember making friends with a lady when our kids started school and it turned out that she was the most uptight, controlling, snobbish woman ever. She had a baby and gave it to her parents to raise Monday to Friday in Wales. (She went to have a third too…) Once we arranged to meet at a baby class and she saw me on the way but pretended that she didn’t so that she wouldn’t walk in, having to acknowledge publicly that we were friends. We weren’t after that 😂 Another seemed pleasant and I offered to take her daughter to school every day because she was in tears over being unable to due to her job. Nearly a year later, I found out that her partner was at home in the mornings and just didn’t want to drop his own child off to school 😬

YellowphantGrey · 26/09/2024 08:29

I made really good friends with a woman at work, about 15 years ago. We are still friends now, go away together same hobbies, children similar age, went to same school etc.

I got talking to another woman whilst doing the school run, seemed lovely. The children I do the school run for aren't mine and I was explaining the situation to her. We eventually decided to go for a coffee and she was like a different person!! Not so subtle racist comments, people's appearances, how the children look etc

Yet my friend and her get on like a house on fire and are also really close and I can work out how so now I avoid them

People are just weird at times

Bickybics · 26/09/2024 08:30

i see lots of people suggesting just dropping your kids off and not making friends. However there’s always threads where posters are told to make a community to support them raise their children and be there when you have an emergency. No wonder people don’t know what to do.

I also didn’t make friends with primary mums. At DDs primary most of the mums didn’t work, had never worked. They thought the mums like me were odd. The few I got along with always treated me like free childcare with nothing in return. All I wanted with someone friendly enough to chat to at parties/events and would reciprocate with play dates, even that seemed impossible.

SweetSakura · 26/09/2024 08:32
Grin

Would you like to Google "casing point" and "case in point" and then have a little think about which is the correct phrase?

AyeupDuck · 26/09/2024 08:37

I have two really good friends I made at the school gate and our kids are early twenties now. I still see other Mums who I say hi to as well, it’s a relativley small town.

All people are quite neutral at first and the reveal more of themselves as they feel more comfortable.

HoppityBun · 26/09/2024 08:39

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2024 08:19

Mom is used in the UK. It's used in Birmingham and Black Country (and other areas).

Just UK dialect.

Show quote history

It used to be mam. Has the pronunciation changed with the spelling?

researchers3 · 26/09/2024 08:40

I over shared massively with a couple of school mums after something really awful happened to me. Have spent the last 3 years cringing about it since.

Never again! If I could do it again I'd be a drop and go mum!

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2024 08:41

@HoppityBun it's Mam in some places (it was where I grew up) and Mom in others. Different areas, different dialects.

SweetSakura · 26/09/2024 08:43

Calamitousness · 26/09/2024 08:17

I need to ask OP @ohmyine Why do you use the spelling of mum as mom. Are you American? I only ask because I’ve seen it so often on here and I didn’t think there were that many American posters so genuinely wonder if it’s creeped into some English/British/Irish users?

My daughter uses Mom/Mommy and with her I think it's part of her dyslexia. I've told her I don't mind how she spells it

Josephinesnapoleon · 26/09/2024 08:43

I never really understand the school mum friend thing and why so many women seem to find it so critical. Is it you don’t have any of your own friends so want to use school to try to get some?

genuinely for me they were just acquaintances. Friendly when we get together but no desire to hang out. The only thing you have in common is your kids go to the same school.

if you’re lonely and want to make friends, then there are better ways to do it. Sure some friendships can blossom as you get to know each other, and be real, but past that it’s just generally convenience.

MikeRafone · 26/09/2024 08:45

I never hung around at the school gates and back in the day children could walk to and fro school, so in year three that's what mine did.

I do have one friend from reception years, still in contact with her now and have babysat for her grandchildren on occasion, she looked after me when I was in need during a difficult time, same for her when she divorced etc - you can meet and befriend people that become loyal friends. I think though its few and far between that stay loyal friends over 27 years

MikeRafone · 26/09/2024 08:48

Is it you don’t have any of your own friends so want to use school to try to get some?

I think friends in general might not be at the same stage in life - not all my friends had babies in 1990 - 1993 (add in whatever period of time) so will be keeping those friends but also looking for friends that are going through the same experiences at the same time for support. Plus if you are not working or working part time its nice to see people during the daytime

OriginalUsername2 · 26/09/2024 08:49

I walked home with DS’s friend’s mum in junior school year 5 for almost a year. She was 10 years older than me, funny and easy to talk to.

One day we went to pick DS up from her house and caught her absolutely screaming at him that he was a fucking idiot and all sorts, in the most scummy way. Ds was crying his eyes out. She was a completely different person to who I had been walking to school and back with all that time. We got out of there pronto.

(Apparently she was angry at him for telling us he had been allowed to go with the son to a park that was further away than we had allowed. I had text her recently letting her know we didn’t like him going that far without an adult just yet, but no probs, etc. wasn’t angry with her at all and made sure my text was friendly. It wasn’t a big issue to me and we had text since and moved on).

After that she never appeared on the school run again, sent her son in on a bike alone.

You never know what anyone is like really.

Chipsintheair · 26/09/2024 08:50

EI12 · 26/09/2024 08:17

You can't fight biology. We, women are smaller and weaker than men, and therefore are not likely to engage in open physical fight. Therefore character assassination and reputation destruction, bitching has been women's mode of behaviour for women. With feminisation of men for the past 30 years or so, we begin to notice that men are beginning to get engaged in similar behaviour, but not so much, naturally.

Why do you feel you have to be friends with them? Don't you have proper, real friends of long standing?

I would be giving it a thought if they were horrid to children - like singling out a child and not inviting him to birthday parties, etc. But adults? Bugger the lot of them.

This is sexist nonsense.

No reason why women can't fight each other physically if they want to — we're smaller and weaker, physically, than men on average, so would be wise not to get into a fight with males unless we have weapons.

MikeRafone · 26/09/2024 08:50

SweetSakura · 26/09/2024 08:32

Grin

Would you like to Google "casing point" and "case in point" and then have a little think about which is the correct phrase?

@SweetSakura the poster meant case in point, hope that helps

user5883920 · 26/09/2024 08:52

I never really understand the school mum friend thing and why so many women seem to find it so critical. Is it you don’t have any of your own friends so want to use school to try to get some?

Nor me. I mean, sure, it's always nice to make new friends but I never felt the need to make friends with school mums simply because we had kids the same age. I have friends already. If you can make friends, great, but no point trying to force friendships with people if you genuinely dont mesh with each other.

From what I've observed, those school mum friendships never lasted after the kids started secondary school anyway so they always seemed friendships of convenience rather than due to genuine likability for each other. Several of my own friends lamented to me that once their kids left primary, the mums didnt keep in touch and they always drifted away.

SweetSakura · 26/09/2024 08:54

MikeRafone · 26/09/2024 08:50

@SweetSakura the poster meant case in point, hope that helps

Show quote history

I know that! Sorry, I meant to quote @beanii but my quote clearly failed for some reason

Chipsintheair · 26/09/2024 08:55

Josephinesnapoleon · 26/09/2024 08:43

I never really understand the school mum friend thing and why so many women seem to find it so critical. Is it you don’t have any of your own friends so want to use school to try to get some?

genuinely for me they were just acquaintances. Friendly when we get together but no desire to hang out. The only thing you have in common is your kids go to the same school.

if you’re lonely and want to make friends, then there are better ways to do it. Sure some friendships can blossom as you get to know each other, and be real, but past that it’s just generally convenience.

It's very important to most parents to have a support network of other parents to share experiences, advice, empathy and practical help such as emergency babysitting, collection, etc..

It's also good to have friends who are experiencing similar life changes.

My DC's primary school had a lovely community of parents and I made a few good friends through that and nursery/drop-in centres, as well as meeting other parents I just chat to locally.

Basically, it's community, which is an essential part of human life.

YellowphantGrey · 26/09/2024 08:55

Calamitousness · 26/09/2024 08:17

I need to ask OP @ohmyine Why do you use the spelling of mum as mom. Are you American? I only ask because I’ve seen it so often on here and I didn’t think there were that many American posters so genuinely wonder if it’s creeped into some English/British/Irish users?

Mom is used in Birmingham and the midlands and the black country.

Interesting fact, the word Mom was actually first recorded as being used in the UK in 1867 and 1844 in America.

So those leave petty comments such as "are you American"? Just look ignorant at best because it's not the new trend of appropriating American words they all think it is.