Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

[ohmyine]

They all seem fine on the surface, but after getting to know a few of them a bit more, there are so many red flags.

I know my title is a bit dickish, what does ' normal ' mean anyway?

But basically I'm finding things tricky. I'm friendly and outgoing and make connections quickly.

I keep meeting moms daily and thinking that they seem really lovely and then after a while I realise they're really not ok actually and then it becomes tricky as I obviously need to continue being somewhat friendly. I can't work out if I'm missing some sort of radar, but I genuinely can't really tell at first who's going to not the best person to hang around with.

Case and point I've been super friendly with one mom and I've got to know her better and she's just so mean about other people. Completely slating others for literally no real reason. She seemed so sweet and nice and then we went for a coffee and she let rip and I couldn't believe the stuff she said.

Another one was also super nice for months and months, then I got to know her better and she kept telling me what I was doing wrong with my kids. ' oh you shouldn't say this or that ' and just being generally super condescending.

There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully,

But how can you tell ? Everyone seems so nice at first.

Mam was the first recorded way in the UK still used in some regions.

Mom was next, recorded in the 1800s and is still used.

Not sure why posters who use the word Mom are always pounced on. It's like people can't comprehend regional dialect and evolving language

Two kids age 9 and 13 and I have one Mum friend, she is awesome and coincidentally the Mum of my eldest's best mate. The rest I treat like work friends - and our work is our kids so I am pretty friendly knowing their partner's names what they do for work etc, and can ask about playdates. I'm involved with school stuff - Treasurer of the PTA but for me, it's very much necessary so my kids have a nice life and I have a full-time job.

It's unfortunate but usual to meet a couple of.people that aren't 'you' but if it's everyone then you're laying the blame at the wrong door. As for the judgey comments about how other families choose to parent. The misogyny is real. Aimed more at some replies than the og

I'm positive most of the other Mums think I'm a total weirdo (that's if they've given me any thought at all). I have misophonia and the school yard is torture for me so I run in and out with headphones on. I'm sure most of them are alright and maybe I'd even really like some of them but I didn't go into this wanting or expecting to make friends. I was friendly with one mum whose child has now moved school and whilst I liked her, it drove me mad having to walk so slowly when we walked together. I just want to get home!! 😫 😂 I don't want to wish DD's life away but I fantasise about when she's old enough to walk to school without me.

I have had 4 kids so lots of school mum chats and friends. Not one has lasted the test of time ( well one has). You've got nothing real in common except for the kids. Once the kids stop being friends or the situation changes, it's over.

When I think about the current mum I chat too, I think, she talks at me at speed. I never choose the topic, she seems manic about her current pet subject which tends to be conspiracy and alternate to mainstream. She's lovely but honestly we have nothing in common. If I look objectively she doesnt ask me anything, ever. When our kids feel out in the summer she started to ignore my texts. She friendly now again but we are friends. We are just situational acquaintances. Someone to chat to at the gate or on play dates.

If you want to find real friends you have to find this out by listening to the crazy unfortunately. Not that my school mum is crazy, she's just not a proper friend

You won’t ever make friends if you can’t see things from the other person’s perspective. One bad day / interaction unless it’s illegal / harassment shouldn’t cause you to ditch someone.

Because they're not your friends?

I find it utterly bizarre that people EXPECT to magically have stuff in common and become besties with a bunch of random strangers from different families, backgrounds, classes, lifestyles, personalities etc... just because you had a sore fanny within the same year.

That doesn't mean you have anything in common as people.

Also self proclaimed 'friendly and out going' is very 'nice guy' adjacent. If you are so friendly but failing to make meaningful friends with you as the common denominator each time, then coming to make bitchy online posts judging them then you clearly aren't that friendly. In fact you are doing exactly what you claim they are that makes you not like them.

This is a very ‘white English/SE’ way of looking at things. In other cultures and regions we can do know how to make friendships and make them last. I still meet up regularly for drinks with DSD’s primary and secondary friends’ mums & DS’ baby room mums and that’s pretty much the norm. Yes, on occasion people have bad days, but we tend to as groups have more good days.

Well, I’m white, and though not English, did live for many years in London, the Home Counties and the East Midlands, and I’ve certainly retained friends from both primaries DS has attended. He started secondary last month, and a bunch of us from his last primary are planning a drink next week. However, neither do I think it makes any sense to dismiss situational friendships as ‘not real’ because they don’t last forever.

Some people are just like this, but I expect they might come out a bit more in this sort of group - raising children is hard, they maybe don't have a very satisfying job or many good relationships, so they're not terribly happy with life and don't get many opportunities to vent about the things that bother them. (And everyone gets bothered by other people.)

I'm not interested in making any mom friends at my children's schools I'm sure they also judge me as a bitch I've just got no interest I also couldn't do with another mum harping on about how perfect their child is and that they are going to be the next rocket scientist and how everyone else should be copying no thanks the only thing I have in common with any of the them is that our children are in the same school same year and that's where it ends.

I get so sick of the nasty school mums trope. School mums are just people. Some are nice , some are boring, some are bitches - just like every other group of people on the planet.

My Dc are in their 30s now so it's over twenty years since I was at the school gates. 5 of my closest friends are mums I met there. That probably represents about 5% of the mums I encountered over the years. That doesn't mean the other 95% weren't normal or were unpleasant (although a few were horrible and were probably also horrible colleagues/neighbours/relations). It just means I made lasting and meaningful friendships with 5% of the people I met in that time . Which IMO is a pretty good strike rate.

I’d pull back a bit. People aren’t always what they seem.
When one of mine started school, I met a school mum who has become a very good friend but have also met some who seemed lovely; it worked out well before so maybe would again? No it didn’t: one was so nasty and negative about other kids. She couldn’t tolerate any ND kids or kids that needed support taking teachers or TA time away from her precious darlings and felt they all should be in ‘special schools’ 😳
Shudder.. well rid
Good luck OP

So many nasty “omg don’t you already have friends of your own?!” type comments.

You know what, no - some people didn’t manage to make a ton of lifelong friends early on. Maybe they were socially awkward and didn’t get close enough to their peers to retain them long term. Or went straight to work and missed out on college/uni friendships. Or moved cities after marrying. Or, ironically, turned out to not have very much in common with a bunch of “friends” that they’d been forced to make as kids themselves.

For whatever reasons, shock horror, some people don’t have many close friends by the time they become parents! I don’t think it’s worth making OP feel like a weirdo for that.

Wow @YellowphantGrey I am not English. I didn’t know that and was genuinely asking. Thank you for the history of the word, I am younger than that so not aware of it from those times. I will stay well clear of that area if you are representative of the type of people who live there.

But that doesn't mean that women who have kids are some sort of societal sub-group that are bitches or not normal and the OP should feel justified in putting all women with kids down.

It's as unlikely that OP is the only normal person at her kid's school as it is that OP is the only normal person in her town or at her work. She just doesn't gel with some other people who have children at her kid's school and she is labeling women as not normal because of it.

It's unhelpful towards women in general to group us up as some sort of mentally challenged people just because our children goes to school. Nobody does that to fathers because it makes no sense. It just strengthens the thought that women are difficult when in fact women tend to be the nurturing and helpful ones in society whether they have kids or not.

You literally have no clue if you have things in common with them. It seems quite arrogant to assume you couldn't possibly have anything in common with a large number of women.

I met three of my best friends when our kids were all in Kindergarten. Our kids are in grade 8 now and I still love them and we text in a group daily.

There's a lot of sexism towards female friendships. Even the word clique is loaded.

In primary we were a larger group who hung out after school everyday chatting. Now we get together all 10 of us a few times a year. I usually host a big Christmas party.

I suppose we could be called a clique but what does that mean besides a group of.people who are good friends?

Women in a group are often seen as witches.

Agree, it's just a friendship group. Also agree that there is always so much sexism and paranoia on threads like these. Why women are being scrutinised and put down like this by other women I will never understand.

My new approach by the way is be friendly as I usually am but I float around chatting to different people and not too long with one person. The vast majority of mum friends slide away once your kids hit secondary anyway. I’m not seeing it as an opportunity to make friends tbh, more of a trying to rub along with people for a season kind of thing. Most people are mostly normal, not perfect but normal. I would say though some people see bitching as a bonding exercise.

OK, thanks for letting me know!

@itzthTtimeGib

For whatever reasons, shock horror, some people don’t have many close friends by the time they become parents! I don’t think it’s worth making OP feel like a weirdo for that.

That may be true but none of this is a justification for the nasty and slightly misogynistic comments about “school mums” as if they were all Scientologists or something. They are not one homegenous mass.

But also it’s incredibly entitled to believe that you have a God given right to have friends in the school network anyway. So many people seem to assume the mum network is a ready made social life on a plate and then get arsy when it’s not.

To be brutal: no one owes you friendship at school or anywhere else. It’s a bonus if it happens (and it does happen). But if you can’t make friends at school it’s not the fault of every other mum whose child attends the school.

To misquote the old maxim, if everyone you meet seems like an arsehole, maybe you are the arsehole.

I had similar happen to me, very nice to begin with, but would call minorities vermin ect, slowly backed away and she then turn nasty to me, blanking me/ignoring me, giving me dirty looks, talking about me, saying things about me Infront of her children who would then repeat it to my child. Made the next few years of the school run very awkward...I would just grey stone, say hi, nod, get in and out asap, keep it light and breezy and don't get too involved...my youngest child won't be attending the same as my eldest because of how bad it got...

Couldnt think of anything worse than choosing to spend time with school mums, so that’s how I do it

if you clearly knew what beanii meant there wasn't any need to post about it