Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

[ohmyine]

They all seem fine on the surface, but after getting to know a few of them a bit more, there are so many red flags.

I know my title is a bit dickish, what does ' normal ' mean anyway?

But basically I'm finding things tricky. I'm friendly and outgoing and make connections quickly.

I keep meeting moms daily and thinking that they seem really lovely and then after a while I realise they're really not ok actually and then it becomes tricky as I obviously need to continue being somewhat friendly. I can't work out if I'm missing some sort of radar, but I genuinely can't really tell at first who's going to not the best person to hang around with.

Case and point I've been super friendly with one mom and I've got to know her better and she's just so mean about other people. Completely slating others for literally no real reason. She seemed so sweet and nice and then we went for a coffee and she let rip and I couldn't believe the stuff she said.

Another one was also super nice for months and months, then I got to know her better and she kept telling me what I was doing wrong with my kids. ' oh you shouldn't say this or that ' and just being generally super condescending.

There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, thankfully,

But how can you tell ? Everyone seems so nice at first.

You seem unrealistic. You're going in too friendly, then are disappointed when people don't meet your standards.

Take it a bit slower, get to know people before being 'super friendly'.

And also don't forget, you're not perfect either.

Sounds like you need to work on your boundaries and what kind of vibe you are putting out there - like attracts like after all.

Here we go again.

You know, right, that “school mums” aren’t a different species from us? They are identical to other kinds of people but they just happen to have children at school?

It sounds obvious but there is a thread on here almost daily about “school mums” as if they were some weird genetic subspecies.

They are people like any other people. They share the same DNA as people you might meet at work or even God forbid your family?

Stop lumping all women together through the lens of “school mums”. It’s reductive and misogynistic. Would you talk about “work dads?”.

Oh and also if you expect people automatically to be nice and be your friend just because your kids are at school together they are always going to fall short.

Just relax, take them as they come and stop expecting ready made friendships and some of them might surprise you.

It’s ’case in point’, actually 😁

In my opinion OP its fine to wave a breezy hello then just go on your way! The pressure pot of primary school is just about competition in my view! The one up man ship and vying for superiority gets worse year in year out! It is pathetic! I get these mums are not bad people but usually underlying fear that my kid is not as able as your kid or mine is not achieving as quickly as your kid breeds insecurity and thats not a great way to base a relationship on! Its natural of course because none of us know what we are doing ,we are all finding our way together but no one admits that! Drop and go, pick up and leave is the only way to survive it! Performance mums are to be avoided for your own mental health!! Having done it twice over 33 yrs it doesnt seem to change! Be friendly,be polite,but really I wouldnt go any further than that!

No one is 'normal'

Also this.

I quickly learned the normal ones keep themselves to themselves. After 1 year or so that's what I did. I discovered then a few years later the Mean Mom group thought I was a snobby cow. Fair enough As has been said before. I'm only there to drop and collect my little cherubs. Not to make friends.

I think op that mum friends can be difficult because the ONLY common factor you have that connects you and puts you in each others paths in the first place is the fact you both have kids the same age. So you're not connecting over your own hobbies/interests/values etc you're sort of just thrown together because your kids have been thrown together and you're trying to make something work organically that isn't really that organic

Totally agree with this! I have many friends still from school/college and we just gravitated towards each other because we have similar interests, very similar sense of humour, enjoy talking about the same topics etc so there was a reason for us to like each other's company in the first place. Thats what drew us together.

With school mums, the main common theme is that you both have kids the same age. I made no mum friends at all at the school gates. Not because they were horrible or anything but just because we simply didnt "click". It's perfectly ok. I have plenty of friends who are now parents but not making "school mum friends" hasn't affected my life in any way.

Hello fello blue Vauxhall (2008) casual workwear mum! I see you.

You are not wrong. There are a lot of crazies out there. It's eye opening.

They sound small minded, I’d imagine no other hobbies/ interests/ friends or life outside their kids. I usually always ask what the person works as and try and identify some hobbies/ passions early on and see if there’s common ground.

A lot of the people who are especially friendly are the ones who've burned through all their other acquaintances and they're looking for fresh meat, I think that's a lot of the problem.

Maybe calm down a bit and stop thinking of them as people you’ve “connected” with and more as acquaintances.

And those other mums are probably thinking "ohmyine used to be really friendly and chatty and now she just says hello and pretty much ignores me" - and have also classed you as "not normal".

Friendships take time. The odds are that you won't find one in a school playground. Of course some people do, but most likely you will find some people that you can chat to about the weather and what your child is wearing for "wear something random day" and who you can call upon if you need someone to pick your child up in an emergency. Be content with the latter, and be pleasantly surprised if you do find a real friend.

A lot of ours are “self employed business owners living their best lives hun” aka arbonne reps. They are clones of each other.

My kids are now 12 and it's interesting to see how the appetite for all that stuff has really disappeared. Our PTA reps just got reelected unopposed for the second time. Slowly it dawns on people that bossing the playground popularity contest brings your kids nothing, if they want to do well in school there's no really no substitute for going in and actually working.

You are not wrong. There are a lot of crazies out there. It's eye opening.

Really? And all of them are “school mums”? What a remarkable coincidence. Or, maybe, it’s all in your heads and you need to calm down, stop overthinking and overinvesting in these relationships and just relax about it.

Noone is normal

Honestly, everyone has flaws and quirks. Some just hide it better than others.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever taken is "Don't rush to make school friendships and be wary of the ones that rush to meet you".

I have lots of friends from when my children were at school, but they aren't the mum's of the children my kids played with, oddly.

You will find your tribe, but it takes time.

School gate friends are like expat friends- you’re thrown together with people who ordinarily you’d never meet or in fact would potentially cross the road to avoid.

you’re LUCKY if you come across someone who’s cool and becomes a friend

I’m VERY careful making friends nowadays, most of the women I’ve met have turned out to be disappointing in terms of loyalty and it hurts.

It's probably a good idea if you took your own advice 😉

Honestly, I think some posters are projecting their bad memories of their own schooldays onto their children’s. All the language about ‘cliques’, ‘exclusions’, ‘mean girls’ and ‘alpha mums’ strongly suggests it, anyway.

I think there must be an element of that because where so school gate Dad's fit in all this? My youngest is no longer at Junior school but my experience a couple of years ago was that at our school gates there were many Dad's including my DH sometimes. We had a variety as well so ultra confident Dad, on the phones Dad's sorting working, one Dad that was something in TV (back stage) and his large donations to a PTA event were proclaimed at the event so we often course were all very grateful....

@SienaInItaly

It's probably a good idea if you took your own advice 😉

What does this even mean?

I am not the one posting complaints about “school mums” (whatever they are) not being “normal”. Whatever this means).

So much ill thought out paranoia on here. If you boil this down it’s basically people going “waaaah, why don’t all the other mums want to be my friend?”.

Because they are all different people with different needs and personalities? Because they are busy? Because they have things going on in their lives that you don’t know about? Because they don’t want to be your friend?

Who knows. You’ll never know. What I do know is that:

a) there’s nothing specific to “school mums”. This is just “people.” Theres no obligation on people to be your friend because your kids are at school together
b) you can’t control it so why tie yourself up in knots about it?
c) you are far more likely to make lasting friendships with people if you don’t push them to fit your own mental narrative about what they ought to be like
d) you will drive yourself mad worrying about it