Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

A toddler resisting bedtime means they aren't tired? Don't get silly. My kids would have stayed up to midnight if I let them dictate when bedtime was. She wants to stay up and not miss out on potential fun, she's probably overtired if anything if she's having big tantrums

and the absolute hyperbolic response you’re putting out of “get on the freedom programme and phone women’s aid because you and your kids are being abused”

Where did I tell the op to do the freedom program and phone WA??

And you accuse others of hyperbole lol.

Yep.

And she's "not going to respond to posters who haven't read the updates".

Mate, I read the updates.....I just can't get my head around them.

Did you establish that the forceful push didn't happen & your daughter was lying before you started this thread , or after?

If you established it before, as would be normal.given this happened the evening before you posted this thread; Huw come you didn't say that in your op? How come you let people think he could have pushed her forcefully and that you didn't see it?
How come you also didn't feel the need to mention one of your daughters lies about her step father's actions? Wouldn't it be relevant?

If you established it after you started this thread, how come you started a thread canvassing opinions about this (with a subject as serious as male aggression towards a female minor in her home,) without establishing it?
And how come in general you didn't establish it after the bath/quickly; since it would be slightly important to know whether he was forceful/aggressive (just for yourself - aside from a MN thread) would it not?

The update seemed rather convenient.

Just like the "shouting" in your thread title being downgraded to a raised voice seemed convenient.

And they came after posts that were not sympathetic and minimising. When you were getting minimising posts, you were thanking posters, they were clearly what you wanted.

(Also, given the description of the situation and his behaviour, I find it hard to imagine that he gently and neutrally "moved" your daughter).

quite telling if given the choice to go to dads or stay at home if I'm away/busy they choose home with the so called abusive step dad?

What's the situation with their Dad and his household?
That would be relevant?

HazelPlayer · Yesterday 09:16

Pushing a child on the shoulder who is refusing to go where requested towards where they have been asked to go isn’t bloody abuse. You're wrong. Maybe go and do the freedom program or speak to women's aid. If you're raising kids, that's disturbing.

HTH.

Not sure why the text came out so large in that post 😄Wasn't intentional.

Who was that addressed to????

Who?

You quote a post and think you've done a big gotcha ..... But you can't even work out who the poster was addressing or in what context.

Don't worry, you've only done the equivalent of SCREAMING at nuclear level in a thread and creating a total eye sore.

While thinking you've done the ultimate gotcha in "proving" a poster told the op to do the freedom program and consult WA, when the poster wasn't addressing the op.

(And was instead responding to a poster, one of a few, saying they would shout at and push their kids around in similar circumstances, and that that was totally normal & acceptable).

No it wasn’t the OP but it was someone agreeing with the OP that her husband is not abusive.

Look, throwing around the freedom programme and women’s aid so glibly and willy nilly is offensive because the women who do need these programmes do not access them lightly. They are very serious.

You need to take a step back and take whatever trauma you have experienced out of this.

Not every isolated circumstance of someone not behaving at their best is someone being abused.

every single parents will have had circumstances with their kids where they go yeah I could have handled that a bit better. It doesn’t make them abusive parents and it doesn’t mean women’s aid and the freedom programme are required.

Looking at a small segment of this, I'm interested in why the older girls didn't scram when they were told to. Had they misread the cues and not understood that the laughing was becoming a problem or did they not want to separate themselves from the key family activity at that moment? In other words was it a bit of FOMO?

Other posters have suggested helpful ways not to reward tantrums, but as someone who also had a big gap between DC, I found making the evening routine about the tweens and teens rather than the toddler, was better for family harmony.

If you think this is an issue, could you rethink your evenings so that your older DC don't feel pushed out? Maybe alternate who does bedtime, or bathe the younger one in the mornings?

I've already addressed the formatting error which I was unable to correct on my phone.

And your overblown posts on here have made it pretty clear how you view OP's situation as well as that of others on this thread.

@Citrusandginger I agree it must be hard to be told to go to your room at that age because your 3 year old sibling is tantrumming and your routine and evening being at the whim of a younger child

@Unknown987 I think you could do with some support in dealing with the tantrums as well and looking at her routine erc

Me! You addressed it to me!
Your tone is quite aggressive. I hope your kids are safe.

Regular weekly contact. No toxicity as far as I know.

Ok. I am acknowledging your post. But please I have thanked many posters.

@Unknown987 I've just seen your post about your toddler being articulate. This was also true of our youngest who had elder siblings around and I think is reasonably common in families with a similar dynamic. It's [mostly] a blessing .

In our case, toddler picked up the word tantrum and being able to name the feeling seemed to be a fairly helpful in developing their understanding of the sudden emotional storm.

Remember though, that although a good vocabulary is a bonus, and will help them be able to speak to adults and in the short term can accelerate their learning, their peers will mostly catch up. Most of our children aren't geniuses - they just seem that way to us.

Yes I agree to what you have said namely the only reason she seems articulate is due to elder siblings not particularly genius in her own right. I only shared that to highlight her tantrums and unable to express self may not be necessarily linked but I appreciate there's so much more to toddlers behaviours then meets the eyes.

Get a grip! Ffs!!!

Dr Becky :)

have a look and you might find something useful or to laugh about!

you both sound exhausted. No excuse but everyone is human… he was hurt and didn’t know how to react which is kind normal if he never have to deal with so really 50/50.

Good luck 🌺

Cut husband some slack. I’m sure there will be plenty of messages from people telling you this is unforgivable behaviour and you should leave him etc. ( Do these people never put a foot wrong? 🙄) …We’re all human and have lost our shit with kids when frustrated + tired + child has hurt us by lashing out.
A good chat when you are all calmer will sort it.

Your baby is the star of her own show every night. She has a full audience, how to deal with the tantrums (calmly say nothing and walk away , obviously not while she is sitting in the bath)

Laughing at anyone when they are hurt and angry (which is what a tantrum is) no matter what age they are, is pretty low, imagine how humiliated you would feel if someone did that to you

He sounds a great guy being such a nice stepdad. This time he was pushed over the limit and u jumping to the girls defence.
He does really well and u pounce on him as soon as he loses it. He needs love and comfort and not a telling off from u. He's a grown man.
He is a human being. He will lose it under testing circumstances. That's normal.

i would recommend little big feelings, they have courses helpful in dealing with the many strong emotions of littles…
as to your partner, that was terrible to do but it doesn’t make him a terrible person - at least i hope not because i’ve certainly lost my temper when dealing with a toddler. the important thing is that he acknowledges, apologises and doesn’t do it again. and that your daughters also appreciate this is a stressful situation, he got over stimulated and took it out unfairly. they can be helpful next time by not adding to the stimulation

There was (and maybe still is) a tribe in South East Asia that were studied and found to be the most peaceful people ever studied - with all adult problems resolved amicably.

The one thing the researchers noticed was that when any young child had an angry tantrum everyone around would find it funny and laugh at them.

Can't remember the name of the book but it's main purpose was showing all the ways in which we have been comparatively a very violent species of ape.

So bad step-dadding, obviously - but your daughters maybe have the right idea.