Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

Your update is promising, as you sound quite level headed.

But I’m struggling to understand this:

I just am struggling with baby tantrums and how to deal with it and this is all new to me.

You’ve had 2 kids before, so why is it all new to you?

Is it the fact you’ve got 2 bio DCs and now a shared one and you don’t know how to deal with that dynamic?

You and DH should be modelling how you want the girls to act.
If you don’t want them laughing about the situation, then don’t laugh yourself.

They want to help but don’t know what to do, so just copy you and DH.

They shouldn’t need to be sent to their rooms because you and DH can’t cope with a 3yo between you.

There is something odd about this dynamic that I can’t put my finger on.

You and DH are both struggling with your child’s behaviour, to the point DH shouted, swore and put his hands on a child.
(And all they were doing was copying you and DH).

Little kids having tantrums are incredibly difficult but I’m struggling to understand how you can both be so stressed out when there are 2 of you doing it.

How did you find the older ones at that age?

Do you and DH ever just take in turns to bath the LO or do you always do it together?

FWIW when you and DH get stressed, the girls (and the baby) get stressed too.

The older ones response is going to be to try and help or perhaps even feel protective of their sibling.

The baby’s response is to have a bigger tantrum.

When young kids feel stressed they often laugh.

Even myself as a grown adult will laugh if I hear bad news or attend a funeral.
I can’t help it it’s purely a reaction.

You and DH obviously have this reaction too sometimes.
So why are children who cannot regulate their emotions very well getting sworn at for doing the exact same thing as the adults are doing.

How would you feel if DH was laughing and then you started laughing too and then he shouted and swore at you and pushed you out of the room?

Actually it was a small kinder bar all 3 got one.

So, he didn't actually shout, and he didn't push her, so other than swearing it doesn't sound like he actually did anything wrong. Cut him some slack.

Christ, did you post that on your way back from a creative writing class?

Don't be ridiculous. It's perfectly normal behaviour to buy someone a gift as part of an apology.

To get to the crux of the matter (or one of them), I don't know if he'd have acted the same towards your daughters if they were his.

Possibly.

In fact, perhaps more likely - because he'd think he had the right, even more so with his own kids.

It's not exactly great behaviour to inflict on kids or model for them, is it.

You sounds like you need help with your youngest child too.
Tantrums are common up to 4 (and maybe even older) I found, but this sounds quite bad. Sounds like you need new techniques to try.

It also sounds like the older ones could do with done responsibilities and chores, with rewards etc. and perhaps to be busy doing something else at times that the nearly 3 yr od is likely to kick off.
(Since hanging around laughing at it, is clearly not helping).

Why is a 2.8 yr old child being referred to as a baby all the time?

They do not listen and finally your toddlers father has had enough and finally disciplined the older 2.

That's not discipline.

Shouting and "ushering" (🙄riiiight) is not discipline.

Believe it or not my older two never had tantrums never did anything that made me question my sanity. That's the truth. Slept through the night, no eating issues, no behavioural concerns. No meant no. Maybe I got lucky.

Baby of the family. She's smarter than us all and speaks better than us on a bad day!

It sounds like a really stressful situation with everyone upset. The 2 older girls shouldn't be laughing at the toddler. I don't see how your husband did anything really wrong. He swore once so yes, he was wrong there but he didn't hit or threaten your daughter. He'd had enough and was stressed out and hurt.
He'd just been attacked in the face, was almost bleeding and your daughters are laughing at the situation? Lovely. I don't think he deserves anger. He can apologise for the swearing and then a family conversation is needed where the sisters keep out of the way during meltdowns and you and your husband deal with it together and calmly. Poor toddler, obviously distressed with all the family laughing openly. I understand you and dh were laughing in despair not because they are entertained like your daughters appear to be.

You would be "very concerned" about what the husband did ! Good lord, you really must live on a pink fluffy cloud.

He shouted at, verbally abused and physically pushed your dc?

This is serious imo. It's not acceptable. I don't care if he's stressed about a tantrum, it's no excuse. This is harmful to your dds, who are still young themselves.

If your dp is genuinely contrite, is able to apologise and explain why he was wrong to push and swear at them, maybe you could try again. Otherwise, I'd have said this is red flag territory. Don't allow your girls to be abused in their own home.

Yes, you were lucky.

You've got it tough because your previous experience of easy kids is hindering you as opposed to helping, and DH as new dad has zero experience and looks to you to handle it as the mum (patriarchal hard wiring) and because you are assumed to be a pro as you've done it twice before.

Do you have friends with similar aged kids? Perhaps from playgroup? Can you ask them for tips on bathtime routine and handling tantrums? All this is easier IRL

Baby of the family. She's smarter than us all and speaks better than us on a bad day!

This is a a really odd thing to say. I bet your older dc would not be impressed 🤔😕

I also thought it was really weird to refer to a 2.8yo as a baby. She's not.

Maybe you're treating her like a baby??

There are plenty of books out there about how to deal with toddler tantrums.

Replies like this are ridiculous and out of touch with reality.

It's dangerous and unhelpful to start telling someone they're being abused or their children are being abused when there's no evidence or red flags at all.

Decent but imperfect human beings lose their temper under pressure sometimes. Nobody in the family comes off looking great from this incident. Calling it abuse is obscene.

The op gave him the silent treatment, why isn't she being called an abuser?

Agreed. Nobody can lose their temper and shout at their kids ever or someone on mumsnet will call it 'abuse'. It detracts from the actual meaning of the word.

OP, I am also in a blended family. I am concerned by some of the things you say - like you 'left your first husband for less'. Obviously people can leave marriages for any reason but you seem to think your DH is totally out of order and first DH behaved similarly but less badly so you left. Also you are allowing your 10 year old to wield so much power than you would leave your husband - father of your younger dc - on her say so (reading one of your later posts).

I think there's a bit of Disney parenting of your older two going on here. Of course they shouldn't be laughing and getting in the way while a toddler is having a tantrum. They hadn't gone to their room as you had asked. DH got hurt and encountered them being silly and generally contributing to the situation. It's not ideal but it happens, it's not crime of the century. I suspect a large part of the problem is that you have said your older two laugh and almost encourage the tantrum behaviour. Clearly this is not helpful.

Well your daughter's didn't listen to you did they? You told them to go upstairs, you have told them in the past don't laugh at your sister's tantrums but clearly they paid no attention.
If they had your DH wouldn't have shouted or sworn at them. No it's not acceptable to shout or swear at the kids. Absolutely he should not have done that but your children also need to listen. Tbh I'd get them involved in something away from the bathroom and the toddler before you start bath time and tell them they need to stay there until after bath time. They are old enough to understand that.
So yes your husband needs to apologise but everyone needs to be on the same page.
Can you do bath time in the morning? Can she get involved, like choosing bath toys or helping to get her pyjamas ready. Or have you tried a shower instead?

What a weird comment.

If you truly believe that your 3 year old is smarter and more articulate than you, perhaps you spoil her because you are so "in awe"

Hence the tantrums

And how sad that you think your 3 year old is smarter and more articulate than your older children

This is a very strange thread 🙄😬

This makes it sound like she is perhaps being spoiled?

The genetic father is there, and a child of almost 3 is far from being a baby.

The shiny new kid, while the older, ''good'' children are cast aside?

No way is a child of nearly three ''cleverer'' than four older people.

However- she may have the ability to be very manipulative - and have the entire

household running around out of fear of her noisy, disruptive tantrums.

Do what I want, Give me what I want or I'll scream and SCREAM.

The tantrums probably get far too much attention, so they are paying off.

With a toddler having a temper tantrum and a baby continually crying and screaming, no wonder everyone is on edge

Ignore the toddler tantrums. As long as they can't hurt themselves, leave them. Fussing around them and picking them up can just add fuel to the fire. When they calm down, then go to them. They are doing it more often than not because they don't have the words or the ability to emotionly regulate and sometimes, it all just explodes.

What's causing the baby to cry? Are they getting upset because of the toddler noise?

One of you needs to take the baby, one of you be near for the toddler and all of you need to stop standing round and laughing at the toddler. The older two need to leave the room while the tantrum is happening and just leave one of you on there while the toddler works through it

I also feel there’s missing info. Your toddler (not baby) is having exceptionally violent and prolonged tantrums and you, an experienced parent, have never experienced this kind of behaviour before.

Do you think there is some neurodivergence involved? It sounds hellish for the two older children.

Ask your husband how he would feel if you were living with another man who had pushed his DD around and shouted at them like he did?

You need some professional input to resolve these issues as at the moment your youngest is dominating your family and her behaviour is causing serious problems.

What, all of them?

@YellowphantGrey I think you have misunderstood.

For some reason, OPhas consistently referred to her nearly three year old as a baby.

There is no baby.