Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

Create a safe space you can leave her to tantrum and walk away.

Offer hugs every couple of minutes. Apart from that, give them no air time.

Currently 2yo is ruling the roost.

He was overwhelmed and took it out on your DC. Your DC were just doing what you and your husband have taught them to do in this situation. He needs to apologise to them today then you both need to find strategies to help your toddler regulate her emotions rather than leaving her to deal with it herself whilst laughing at her. You need to be the calm for your DC, talking calmly, offering cuddles, discussing big emotions and helping her deescalate.

Washing her hair. Ever. But he tantrums can be over anything. Even a simple no to a request of sweets.

The elder children were making a bad problem worse. They'd been told.

He shouldn't have sworn at them but your children had ignored your attempt to discipline. You told them to go to their room and they hadn't. Your husband is right to be frustrated by your children making toddler's tantrums worse when they've already been told to leave.
He needs to be able to discipline all children just like you do. You've said he's not as strict as you so why wouldn't you have combined parenting?
The tantrums at bath time, can you try bath time when the older children aren't home? Toddler doesn't need to be bathed at bedtime when they are tired.

Can I just say this was a one off laughing response. It often takes over 45 minutes for her to calm down. We laughed because I would have cried and I guess he did the same. It's exhausting and honestly I don't know what we are doing wrong.

Thankyou. I appreciate the words offered

I think you need to set up a different post about handling the littlest one.

You’ve gone from saying he shouted at them to “well not really shouted he just raised his voice from his normally soft spoken tone” and from he pushed my younger one while she was near the top of the stairs to “well he didn’t really push her, he put his hand on her shoulder to gently guide them to go down stairs”. So which ones are true?

This

Stop laughing at the 2 year olds distress. 4 of you.laughing at her? Think about it. No wonder she's not calming down. Would you calm down while 4 people laughed at you?

It's good to decide how you want to handle these tantrums and then just be consistent. Some people ignore, others stay nearby offer hugs when the child is ready. All of you could try the same tactic for a week and see if you feel it's working. If not try something different.

Firstly why is anyone laughing at your DD having a tantrum? That's just horrible and should've been clamped down on much earlier.

Regarding his behaviour, it's really not okay but it does sound like he was at the absolute end of his tether. It's really nasty to laugh at a distressed 2 year old.

My shouting voice and his would be different. But yes shouting for him and hand on daughter, ushering/pushing them along their way. Does it matter? Either way the response towards the older two is not on and I am angry at what he did.

Then you'd be wrong.

But he's a man.

Even worse.

You cannot punish your older 2 for following your lead. You and dh are laughing so they have followed this behaviour.

Your dh shoved your dd. A 10 year old, near stairs. That could have ended very differently.

LTB and do better. Stop minimising his actions, he shouted then just talked more loudly than normal. Protect your girls and step up.

It seems so odd that you think it's ok for the adults to laugh at the 2 year old but not the children. They're just learning from you.

None of you laughing at the toddler is going to help the tantrums. That's not going to help resolve it at all.

ushering/pushing them along their way. Does it matter?

Well tbh, to me, yes it does matter quite a bit.

Ushering is totally different from pushing.

And you said your dd said it was a forceful push.

But that you didn't see it.

Does your dd have forn for lying?
Because, if she doesn't have significant form, i think it's unfair to assume she's lying.

They're following your behaviour. What are you doing to actress the tantrums, how often are they happening?

You said in your OP that the older girls always laugh throughout these tantrums. You said that you and DH laughed 10 minutes in. I feel so sorry for your toddler.

There's no need to keep back peddling.

You're getting the views of MN that are highlighting where you and your DH are going wrong. This isn't a DH issue, this is a more fundamental parenting issue you both have.

You mentioned disciplining your 2 year old but having a tantrum isn’t naughty - little ones haven’t learnt how to handle big emotions so they can sometimes lose control.

Ok just for clarification and for anyone else reading. Every time the baby has a tantru or is not listening to instructions or generally not doing what she needs to the olde two laugh and seemingly seem to encourage the behaviours.
the tantrum no1 around her laughs - yesterday my husband and I did for like 30 seconds because we were exhausted and it was oh man here we go again. It's like the bears beens woken. My girls were told to go to their room before we laughed. This carried on for another 30 mins or so we weren't laughing the whole 30 mins infact actively dealing with the tantrum.

the shouting episode happened at the end when he was hurt.

This feels like a massive overreaction to me.

He was frustrated and at the end of his tether and he sternly asked them to leave while putting a hand on her shoulder to steer her away? That sounds within the realms of normal, plus he’s human, not a robot! If he’d slapped her round the face and told her to fuck off then I could understand all this ‘anger.’

IMO it’s nothing an apology won’t fix whilst also talking to them about how you need them to walk away when the youngest is tantrumming.

This isn't a DH issue

Mmm, the op hasn't lost her temper and pushed a female child, who's not her child, in her home.

Thankyou. I don't know if I would feel like this if they were biologically his?

Yes sorry I meant to say this isn't ONLY a DH issue