Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

Seriously? Humans would cease to exist if laughing at a toddler having a tantrum is below the threshold for people being allowed to become parents. It’s not ideal but come on, that’s a bit strong 😂

You’re clearly not minimising.
I’d say at the start of this thread you were probably doing the opposite as you were worked up about the situation.
There will always be people on Mumsnet that get carried away and take it upon themselves to create a new narrative.
I hope you and your family have a lovely rest of Sunday and that you can put this, relatively minor, incident behind you.

Dad's oh sorry step dad just told them off

It doesn't sound like the children are being taught to respect him though does it

My older two do respect their step dad. It's just he is the fun and games parent so he hardly ever needs to disciple.
if the girls cross the respect boundary to my husband or anyone else for that matter it is picked up.

Some of the comments on here are really really really fucking disrespectful to women that are actually in dangerous and abusive relationships.

You have had it repeatedly pointed out where you have changed the narrative to minimise your husbands behaviour.

But you seem intent in try to facilitate & minimise his abuse of your older daughters. You have repeatedly altered the story...

I hppe it is because you are actually frightened of his behaviour amd ashamed of your reaction and failure to protect your kids. Get assistance, contact women's aid. But step up and do t allow him to abuse your children any further.

You’ve not just seriously mentioned Women’s Aid as being relevant to OPs posts, have you?
As somebody who has been the victim of DV, you are deeply offensive, clueless and frightfully ignorant trivialising this as abuse. Jesus Christ.

Thr problem is not your dp, it is the child's tantrums.For a start could you stop calling her a baby, she isn't!

Really? Offensive?

Having survived dv I recognise the minimising of the abuse actually so yes I have suggested that living with a man who flips out over a little scratch from a toddler and shoves his step daughter towards stairs is abusive.

Yes, offensive. I don’t use that word lightly but I do find it offensive.
If you think this truly represents abuse, and I’ve not missed comment that give any context to suggest it is abuse, then I think there is a possibility your past may be making you look at this situation and seeing things that aren’t really there. Obviously, both you and I aren’t privy to the entire situation or OPs life but what’s mentioned here and Women’s Aid really don’t belong in the same thread.

The opening posts from the op state he shouted, he shoved her dd and he laughed at a toddler all because of a scratch and a tantrum.

The second people started pointing out his behaviour is out of order she has back pedalled and rewritten history.

That is sod all to do with me having an agenda which is what you have implied and is actually highly offensive.

It is everything to do with classic signs of someone being abused.

This.

If they are rude to him, is he allowed to discipline them?

You can't assume everything is abuse the op herself has changed from he shouted to admiring it was a stern voice. How much experience have you of child abuse?

Why are you assuming abuse? Would you be doing so if it was a woman who shouted....then description changed to using a firm voice?
There are no indicators of abuse in what is written....and yes even if it's a one off shouting it wouldn't justify what you are suggesting for the sake of victims of abuse please stop and think.

The op actually said they both laughed at the toddler

Sorry but it is offensive.

Parents get stressed, they get angry, sometimes they don’t deal with situations particularly well.

It doesn’t mean that anybody is being abused and you suggesting that there’s any evidence of this in the OP is why some women don’t get taken seriously when they do come forward with genuinely abusive situations.

You’re the one minimising here by equating genuine DV and abuse with a very simple situation in which everyone in a household was overly emotional and nobody behaved particularly well.

the highest cause of abuse is step-parents, as a safeguarding lead at a hospital told me.

also your daughters might tell someone at school that their step parent pushed them etc etc.

Your husband is human, not a machine.
Yes, he lost his cool, it’s not the end of the world.
Tantrums are hideous and if you get any good advice I will be taking notes as one of my grandchildren (suspected ND) is still tantrumming at 5. 😬

Wow. How things escalate it's unreal and literally mind boggling to read some responses. Women's aid? Really? I can't just kick someone out without them if I needed? I'm not a victim of abuse. I have also been a victim of DV before and have had all the agencies involved. I am not stupid naive or trying to minimise my husbands actions. I am the higher earner. I am not dependant on my husband nor worried I am unlovable or cannot survive without a man or worry I have no options post separation. I am strong with or without my husband in my life. Yes I am having issues with the youngest in terms of tantrums. And we are finding it hard to navigate how to deal with it. No I am not a shit parent nor is my husband. I asked if I should be angry at my husband for reprimanding my daughters. The deep analysis of the terms I have used is deeply unsettling. Im not perfect by any means and definately want advice and want to maintain a healthy family life. My older two are wonderful girls and maybe just maybe they get overlooked when tantrums happen but I can't imagine I would be any different if I was still with their dad. It's a reminder for me to not give all the attention my toddler needs and to tune into her emotional needs and actually work together as a family because yes we are a functionalist family. I have no desire to leave my husband over this.
if he was their dad would I even ask this? That was the niggling thought in my head.

Do most of the parents on here seriously never shout at their children and think it's abusive? IRL I don't know a single parent who doesn't shout at their children or step children if needed. This is slightly different because it was in reaction to pain but the kids should have listened, which they didn't.
Ushering a child who's already been told to leave isn't abuse either.
Some posters just want to scream abuse no matter what.

OP you have gotten some quite rude replies which are unnecessary but I do think you are minimising quite a lot.

I asked if I should be angry at my husband for reprimanding my daughters.

Reprimanding or disciplining is one thing but he shouted, swore and pushed them - that is of course not ok.

I don’t think you should leave him over it but I would be clear to him that this is completely unacceptable and to make sure it never happens again.

(I also don’t think you need to restrain your toddler unless they are in danger, as this can make the meltdown worse).

I would make sure that only one of you is dealing with the toddler at a time and if you’re struggling then ask to swap over.

@Unknown987 the niggling thought is of course normal! Am also surprised at some of the 'call womens aid/you're supporting child abuse'...posters! I've finally become adjusted to some of the bonkers misandry on here, and learning to ignore the crazy ones!

I've already replied prior to this with advice for a baby and a toddler.

Turns out you have a toddler. One that's closer to being a pre schooler than a baby.

If you can be bothered to read it, take a look and ignore the advice about the baby as you don't have one