Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

Right so why are you doing these things when they are overtired - tiredness and hunger and huge triggers and yes you got lucky with your two

work out your battles - stop going in with 2 people pick a parent to do it and let them see if through then one can have the other two girls rather than sending them to their rooms when their sister has a tantrum

does she need to have a bath every day and if so what time, does she need to wash her hair etc

a smart 2/3 year old feels frustrated because she isn’t being listened to or allowed the agency she wants. Some things are non negotiable the rest well deicdr on thau

I highlighted her ability to talk in regards to not being able to communicate feelings. I can't understand how you can gather I prefer her over my other 2? I'm sure I said she's smarter than as all in jest. Obviously not. Definately not in awe of a child behaving as she does. Please be kind. If I was spoiling her I would never have posted or mentioned her tantrum?

Ffs. Why do parents do this?!

Because I wanted to. Sorry that's the issue you wish to focus on?

Of course, it's unacceptable for your husband to shout and swear at your children. A hand on the shoulder is OK, if that's what happened. But physical force and pushing obviously wouldn't be. I'm glad your DH is remorseful and has offered an apology to the girls.

I think you've received some good advice about how to handle the youngest child's tantrums. But I also think it's important to look at your older girls' behaviour. It sounds as though they were unusually compliant toddlers. That may have set the tone for how you interact with them. However, as pre-teens they are no longer those compliant children for whom "no means no." Why didn't they go to their rooms when asked to? And why exactly were they laughing at their sister? It sounds as though they do this regularly. Is it a nervous reaction to the tension in the house when the little one is having a tantrum? Or is it an unkind reaction to her distress, jeering at her, intentionally intending to wind her up? In either case, I think it needs attention, but my response would be different depending on why they are laughing.

That’s exactly what the OP said happened in one of her replies

“No he put a hand in her shoulder and was ushering them downstairs he didn't push her. Older one corroborated.”

She also said he didn’t shout just spoke louder than normal

Dismissing and minimising the abusive behaviour of her husband.

A few things stand out ..
The girls are punished (in their eyes) by being sent upstairs if toddler kicks off....toddler gets all attention
Your not treating all children as equal in family your older girls are not his so they don't have to listen to him and can wind him up.
You say shouting then admit it was a firm voice....the voice recommended when saying I mean this...
The daughter says he pushed her....did he really or is this a division strategy?
You cuddle your toddler when she hurts daddy?
Lots of mixed messages that seem to be putting daddy in his place.

Their laughing is probably more linked to the former. They are not mean spirited children and have a lot of empathy for toddler and the rest of adults in the house and beyond.

Do you give in or reward with bribes?

I agree it immediately says the kids can treat dad like shit he's of no consequences

You do know that kids can lie especially if they are in trouble?

And abuse happens and goes unheard because if comments like this.

Maybe referring to the step-dad’s bio child as the ‘baby’ is a way of creating difference with the older children and allows the older ones to be held to different standards. In this case the very disturbing act of punishing the older children for laughing upstairs.

In trouble for what? For watching her mum and step-dad laughing and doing the same?

Do you think maybe I maybe referring to my TODDLER as a baby because she's the baby of the family and has the title baby sister rather than toddler sister? It's an error. I didn't realise there would be so much analysis of the term used.

Not if the older kids have been brought up to not do that - not all kids need disciplining by a step parent

Oh behave. She feels wronged being told to go away and is exaggerating the situation. Doesn't sound like they get told off much. The older sister says she wasn't pushed so are you saying she's lying then?

Yeah people are being mental. I'm 37 and my mum's side still refer to me as 'the wain' as in baby of the family 😂

Sounds like it’s you and DH who call her the baby / baby daughter.

“I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.”

There isn’t a reference to ‘baby sister’ in any of
your posts.

I wouldn’t say the older sister is lying. OP is firmly in minimisation mode now so could be an unreliable narrator.

There wouldn't be as it wasn't needed. Older girls are referred to as big sisters. It's contextual. But go ahead and read what you want for my reference to my youngest as a baby.

Laughing, giggling, smiling, can be a nervous reaction.

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/nervous-laughter/

How am I minimising? I'm offering whatever information I thought necessary to help advise. But if you think I'm pro husband over daughters than I can't change your view.

In that case, I would talk to them about it, not in a telling off sort of way but just let them know that you and DH are working on getting a handle on their sister's tantrums, that you know it can be stressful to witness her distress but it's a developmental stage that she will grow out of. I'd also appeal to their sense of empathy by saying that she is a little girl who is coping with her emotions in the only way she knows how and that their laughter can exacerbate the situation whether they intend that or not. Reiterate how much she loves them and looks up to them (as I'm sure she does).

Why didn't they go to their rooms when you asked them to? Do they often ignore requests?