Negativity around boys from mums of girls

[mills8]

Yesterday we found out we are expecting our second baby boy which we are both really excited about. My first little boy, almost 3 is nothing but an absolute joy. He's so chatty, sweet, hilarious, kind and loving and everything with him has always been so easy, he's been a dream to raise and I feel so lucky to be having another. If I could copy and paste him I'd have 10 of him. He's the blonde haired blue eyed boy I always saw in my mind when I pictured him.

Yesterday I seen a post on social media from a mother having her second boy and how disappointed she was, the comments were absolutely filled with people saying the same and how disappointed they were and so many mothers of girls saying they were terrified their precious baby girls were going to be boys and they would never want one so could understand the disappointment. It's not just on that post though, I have seen it countless times on here too and other posts on SM and it's really sad, why is there such negativity around boys? Especially second ones, people seem to really pity parents having a second boy. Is it people just being narrow minded? Why do people have kids if they're set on only one sex? I feel quite sad about the negativity and hoping to hear from some wise mumsnetters. Am I really going to be missing out when they are older?

A large percentage of those rapists were not even born in the UK so it can hardly be entirely down to poor British parenting. We've had near enough open borders for decades and have been inundated with men from countries and cultures where unconsentual sex isn't even seen as rape, and sometimes rape isn't even seen as wrong but a man's right or reasonable chastisement etc. Even of the UK-born rapists, there will be plenty who haven't been raised with British values, look at the Rotherham gangs. These are not men, they are like animals.
But perhaps I'm just mean and racist.

My tenth baby is only three weeks old, he's one of 7 boys (and 3 girls).
I absolutely love my boys, I've never felt any disappointment when finding out they were boys and quite frankly I will never understand those that do.

I've been saying for years how irritating I find it when I come across yet another 'gender disappointment' post and before I have even clicked it I know it's because baby is a boy.

People try to dress it up as much as they can (I had a lovely relationship with my mum, I can't imagine myself as a boy mum, I want a mother daughter relationship etc) but I'd be willing to bet money that for the majority it just boils down to them wanting to dress up their babies in pink and frilly things and girls clothing being 'prettier'

It's definitely been true of the people I know personally that have wanted girls.

Awaiting the defensive responses now 🙄

And you do have to admit generally however culturally in say the us and U.K. girls to tend to stay closer to their own family’s where as some men being somewhat useless at times. They don’t bother to actually stay in contact unless they want/need something. So again the wives tend to end up doing all the plans and such tends to again be more her family.

So from this aspect I’d say it’s kinda normal in that kind of culture to maybe slightly prefer a girl over a boy. Where as in cultures where wife’s move into the husbands parents home boys are the preferred. Always supporting and the wife becomes the added pair of hands where as girls obviously move into their husbands family homes.

I have 2 boys and I have never come across this! If I did, I'd be sure to tell them where to go! Ridiculous.

I'm pregnant with my 2nd boy. I was so devastated when I found out, it wasn't the raising of boys which is the issue for me, I love having boys.

It's the absolute dread of being the 2nd rate MIL who's only visited occasionally and barely included in family. Women's moms are more involved usually, and knowing I'll watch from the side breaks my heart.

A male forum would read very differently though. Stats show most men want boys, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

Have you treated your MIL as second rate then?

No defensive posts, just here to tell you you're coming across as spiteful 😀 people's reasons aren't invalid just because you seem them so.

This is so sad 💔.

Advice- raise your boys to feel a sense of responsibility and loyalty to others- including their family of origin and their mother! It can be done, just so many men are too self absorbed and outsource all the “fulfilling social obligations” and maintaining relationships work to their wives, who naturally prioritise their own family.

I try to be equal, she didnt find out about my pregnancy as early as she cant keep a secret, but was first to meet my son to be fair.

I let her over step and buy the kids 'firsts' which were important to me as I knew she was excited where as I told my own mother to back off because I want to buy it or do it.

However my husband has no desire to see her regularly due to the neglect he experienced as a child, and when we do its a huge nag from myself (despite me not enjoying her company) as I want the boys to see both sides as equal. Where as I want to see my parents weekly (meaning my son sees them weekly). That means inevitably she watches from the side - and my parents are actively involved.

I'll try to be as equal as I can because i care about it. however I know many women (my SIL included) who have openly said their MIL will have no active part in their grandparents life, because their own parents are more important - so it's not unrealistic to that have in the forefront of my mind.

@SoupDragon

This is exactly it - of course the wife will prioritise their own family and invitably they see her side more because they get saddled with the social engagement management.

I literally nag my husband daily to try to include his own mom/family but they have a difficult relationship (and she's a narcissist) so it hard to invite her to days out when she has a physical tantrum Because my two year old is centre of attention at the farm or whatever.

I hope I can raise my boys to want to spend time with us, it just feels like a losing battle when I don't know a single male who puts effort into their family.

If you've experienced one sex it can be hard to imagined another. I was a little disappointed on hearing I was having a boy (after a girl) and now o think I was ridiculous! He's just perfect and brings so much joy. Easier than my daughter too.

I know it happens a lot and having a poor relationship with your MIL (esp if a woman) is a cliche in real life even and certainly on Mumsnet.

Honestly, my daughter sees my MIL (who lives abroad) far more than my mother who is a few hours away by car and they speak often over video. What you describe really isn’t the case with my MIL because my husband has an incredible relationship with her and I love her too. She welcomed me into her family from day 1 and has never given me any reason to not have an amazing relationship with her. She is kind, lets me parent without judgement, is encouraging of my parenting and has always been excited about her son’s relationship with me and treated me like family.

But I really don’t think poor relationships are always down to a ‘difficult’ MIL - sometimes or even often perhaps. I sometimes listen to some of my own friends’ ‘complaints’ against their MILs and honestly it seems many can’t win no matter what they do.

We're the same, my baby spends loads of time with my family, because I spend loads of time with my family. I don't want to spend loads of times with my husbands family because they're not my family but I encourage him to take our baby to see them as often as I take her to see mine.

He doesn't. He doesn't want to spend lots of time with family so he doesn't go and there's no way I'm doing it instead because I don't want to spend all day with my MIL or FIL.

I would imagine they are sad they don't get as much time with baby as my family do but the only person that can change that is hubby and he doesn't want to 🤷

When she is older and I am comfortable just dropping her off and leaving her with them they probably see as much of her as my family do but until then she's going to be with my family most of the time.

And I absolutely wouldn't stand for anyone telling me I'm not treating my MIL right because I have no obligation to her, her son does, and I want my own life! Half the time with my family and half my time with the in-laws leaves me no time for me and that's not happening to appease the in laws when their son should be doing it.

I'd never expect my future DIL to spend time with me without my son - I'd love it and do hope that she may want to - as I'd love a daughter figure in my life and my future (currently imaginary) DILs are my only chance of that - but never expect it.

I just hope my sons want to come round for dinner in their 20's or the occasional day out/trip away. Then when they have kids hopefully they want to see us regularly enough for us to have a great relationship enough with the grandkids.

I just hope they don't turn out like my brother, dad, uncles, cousins, friends and husband who rarely see their parents (slim chance I guess 😔)

because I have no obligation to her

I mean this isn’t true imv and also imo part of the problem

And I absolutely wouldn't stand for anyone telling me I'm not treating my MIL right because I have no obligation to her, her son does, and I want my own life!

I certainly wouldn’t say you’re not treating your MiL right. We have a different approach so it’s very much horses for courses and each to their own I think. Despite both having our own hobbies which give us lots of independence, my DH and I are pretty traditional (since getting engaged) in that we try to split time between our two families equally. Eg we alternate Christmas etc between them. I do this because I think when you get married you also gain family (but I’ve got nice in-laws who I see as family - I’m sure I’d feel differently if they were judgemental or didn’t make me feel welcome) and I would hope my own children do this with us one day and we’re not the family who aren’t visited as much. We do some solo trips to see our own family with DC but we’re mostly as a couple/family. This is important to my DH who comes from a culture where marriage is seen as gaining another family, not just a spouse. He is the one who encourages me to arrange a trip home actually if we haven’t been for a while.

Ps I guess I think it’s important to model to our own children how to navigate two sides of a family and maintain good relationships with them - assuming both sides are kind and welcoming that is.

Forgot to add my own mother is a great MiL and resolved to be after having a very interfering one herself. 😂

Some women clearly put no effort in with their spouse’s family. Say they aren’t your family or you have no obligation to them is so extreme. When you get married they are your family, they are literally called your parents-in-law.
Then they see what a shitty relationship they have with one side and when they have sons they eventually realise they are destined for the same because they have taught their children in practice that the world orbits around the woman’s family and that’s it.

No one is saying women need to facilitate all the contact between in-laws in place of their son doing it, but to literally say you don’t want to see them is crazy.

I guess you reap what you sew.

If my kids marry someone with this opinion then I think pretty much all my fears about having adult sons would be eradicated immediately.
However unfortunately, most women see it as the opposite where Inlaws aren't family (which is bizarre to me granted) and an annoying obligation to deal with

My brother and SIL have four boys. When she was pregnant with DS4, someone at her work asked in all seriousness whether she was still going to go ahead with the pregnancy once she found out it was a boy. 🙄

Congratulations on your lovely new baby! I couldn't agree more, it's also very true of those I know aswell.