Negativity around boys from mums of girls

[mills8]

Yesterday we found out we are expecting our second baby boy which we are both really excited about. My first little boy, almost 3 is nothing but an absolute joy. He's so chatty, sweet, hilarious, kind and loving and everything with him has always been so easy, he's been a dream to raise and I feel so lucky to be having another. If I could copy and paste him I'd have 10 of him. He's the blonde haired blue eyed boy I always saw in my mind when I pictured him.

Yesterday I seen a post on social media from a mother having her second boy and how disappointed she was, the comments were absolutely filled with people saying the same and how disappointed they were and so many mothers of girls saying they were terrified their precious baby girls were going to be boys and they would never want one so could understand the disappointment. It's not just on that post though, I have seen it countless times on here too and other posts on SM and it's really sad, why is there such negativity around boys? Especially second ones, people seem to really pity parents having a second boy. Is it people just being narrow minded? Why do people have kids if they're set on only one sex? I feel quite sad about the negativity and hoping to hear from some wise mumsnetters. Am I really going to be missing out when they are older?

How so ? This isn't my perception at all.
I have 1 of each (both adults), I think society needs to value boys and men more not less.

@PreggersWithBaby2 I didn't respond to another poster just the OP (who did mention a woman being disappointed with a son) so I have no idea what you are talking about now 😂

DS1 is now nearly 40 and his brother 37 and I had exactly this all those years ago from people in general, but annoyingly also from my own family.

My grandfather wanted to know why I had had another boy - I should have had a girl (talking to my mother thank goodness, not me). My maternal uncle, again talking to my poor Mum, was astonished I had had a boy first. When asked why, he said because my mother had had me first. When she pointed out that his own mother had had him first, he was bemused. When I had DS2 he asked me what on earth I would do when they were 13 and 15. I told him I didn't think I could send them back.

When I was expecting DS2 a (to me then) old man got chatting to me and said he hoped I would have a girl because he had had 2 grandaughters and wouldn't want a boy because girls were smarter generally. I met him later round the shops whilst pushing the pram and he couldn't bring himself to congratulate me, just asked if I was well. Thinking about him now, I think he really would have liked a grandson too.

Oh there were LOADS of comments - from other mothers with children the same age, from their mothers, from friends who didn't have children, from colleagues. I was a bit bewildered at first but eventually I found my temper and put a few of them right.

One person who never did this though was my friend who had two girls - we were both happy to have healthy children and would have been just as happy if our situations had been reversed.

I am just so sorry it is still happening. I have a fairly distant family member with 2 little boys, I had hoped they wouldn't have experienced this sort of thing, but reading through this thread I expect they have.

Quite possibly. But you can't comment on what goes on outside of school, at parties, in the family etc as you only see children at school. And I said clearly that my experience was anecdotal. So thinking of famillies from primary school, the ones with school refusal issues at secondary school (3 famillies I know) and the ones with eating issues (2 that I know) the 2 that have had their children bought home by the police and the 2 famillies where the child ran away, one to a different city, and to an entirely different country in the other, are all famillies (seperate) with either 2, 3 or 4 girls.

The point is people shouldn't be making these generalisations about little girls being quiet and well behaved etc as its patronising and infantilising and all children, particularly teenagers, will have issues and struggles and things they have to get through and pretemding one type is perfect at the beginning just makes it harder.

She wasn’t having a go at you. She was pointing out that when other pp’s say similar about their female children they are told off (including by the OP), but they let exactly the same statement pass when it’s about a boy.

Haha, that’s brilliant.

One day a group of us were meant to meet in the park. However it started raining really heavily so one of the mums (a most definite SMOG) invited the two girls in the group (who were my son’s best friends) round to her house to do craft with her daughters. But didn’t invite the two boys as apparently she doesn’t ‘really do boys in house’. I was gobsmacked.

The irony being that my son loves art and his female best friend didn’t want to go and do craft as she’d rather play football. Bless these mums and their little twee stereotypes.

@PiggleToes - I'm not interested in what others had said though, I was just responding to the OP - I had no reason to read others. my first comment actually was going to finish with

'But id be equally as delighted with a girl'

But then thought, that isn't relevant to this point of this thread as we are just talking about boys so took it away.

Then she did have a go by saying

'But why is this comment deemed ok but the woman who said she felt lucky to have 2 girls was torn to shreds? There have been so many comments on here from mothers with all boys about how much they love it, and how happy they are and they have been fine too. I'm confused! 🙈😅'

That was in response to my comment personally, therefore having a go at me.

@mills8 Our first child was {is} a boy - a lovely, easy smiling good natured child -{With a few moments in teen years!} the health visitors at the baby clinic said ''Don't have another, you won't get one as easy as this!'' - I was so afraid of having a 'difficult' child we stuck at one.

Even with the same parents, characters of children can be very different.

It's the character that matters, not the sex.

@StampOnTheGround I was asking the general thread, not you specifically. Apologies if you felt I was having a go. I wasn't

I think she was just highlighting it as an example for the general discussion. But I see how it got misconstrued.

there’s nothing wrong with what you said imo, but there seems to be a double standard on this thread if you say the same about having a girl ..

This exactly was my thought process.

Is it the enormous dislike of the male gender on MN maybe, people disliking baby boys because they will grow to be men?

''Didn't really do boys in the house?''
^^
That's actually insane.

What does she think boys are like?
That they'll cock their legs and wee on the floor?

We once had a neighbour who would lead her horse through the house {Terraced} into her back garden-

I used to wonder about him lifting his tail, but he never did, plus his weight on the floors.

I might not do horses in the house, but boys?

This is really going to depend on whether your first boy is a delight or a nightmare lol. It sounds like your first child is wonderful. Im not surprised you are excited to have another child who is hopefully similar.

For some women they have extremely physical boys who are a challenge to parent. I suspect those parents are probably hoping for a girl who wants to sit and colour for hours.

@PreggersWithBaby2 @PiggleToes appreciate both of your responses, I get what you were trying to express!

I do agree with it both ways too, I wish everyone would just be happy with a healthy baby either way!

My best friend is expecting any day now and I have a 5 year old and 5 month old - both boys. When she found out she was having a girl (she has a boy) she message me saying how blessed she was to have one of each gender. I sent a sarky reply back saying your blessed to have two children no matter what gender!

I don't see why its such a big thing. I love my boys.

Totally unfair to say those who express a desire for one sex or the other shouldn't have children at all. I had to go through IVF for my little girl and I thought we'd only ever have one baby. I so badly wanted a little girl because it was something I'd dreamt of my whole life. I probably would have been initially disappointed if she'd been a boy, but obviously would get over myself and love my longed for baby no matter what. It is okay to have preferences.

It is absolutely not okay to be disappointed on behalf of others though, that's just weird! DD has lots of little boy friends and they are an absolute joy. Sometimes people just get an idea in their head of what they want and get scared of the alternative. It doesn't take away them deserving children.

I am pregnant again now by sheer miracle and had no preference whatsoever as I now know how lovely little boys are, turns out I am having another girl, which carries the bonus of having kept all of DDs clothes in the loft 🥰

Congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ I am genuinely shocked every day on some of the rubbish I hear people spout on MN. I think anyone who is so stuck on a particular sex should buy a dolly not conceive, as that's the only way you can choose.

I have one boy, I didn't particularly want to know the gender at my scan I just saw it and the midwife confirmed. Whilst it definitely made him feel more "real" as a person at that point I can't say i was over joyed he was a boy or disappointed he isn't a girl. Three years on, I've fallen in love with the beautiful person he is. Is he difficult occasionally - absolutely however I'm a woman and I was a difficult high maintenance child too so I believe it's all down to personality and nothing to do with sex 🤷‍♀️

All of the spiteful comments about women wanting girls as they are desperate for a mini me are wrong.

I really wanted a girl and I am so grateful I got my daughter. I wanted a girl because I wanted to share all of the femal specific life experiences I shared with my mother with my child. I want to take her wedding dress shopping, support her through her first pregnancy, teach her how to be a mother and pass on all the life advice I have learned in my 30 years that really only apply to women, like dealing with sexism in the work place etc.

I have enjoyed these experiences with my mother so much I wanted to do them with my daughter. I obviously couldn't do these things with a son. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love a son, it just wouldn't be the experience I dreamed of. I know she may not get married or have babies and if she doesn't that's fine but there will always be a ln event to go and buy a special dress for like a prom or a special party and honestly I look forward to that. And there's nothing wrong with that

I suppose it's fine until people make negative and insensitive comments and are unable to read the room.

I'm a mum of two boys. I couldn't be happier because they are my children who I love more than anything. They have great personalities and are fun to be around. But I didn't have a preference based on what sex they were going to be. I'm just glad I was able to have them without any major problems.

From my lived experience as a woman and a mum of teen boys I guess. I think our culture (and most others) prioritises the needs of men at every turn, and from a very young age.

SMOG is a great term, I haven't heard it before.
There is a thread about a girl sharing uni accommodation with boys, and many posters are referring to their beliefs that the male students will leave the bathrooms filthy and are a danger to the girls safety. I know my DS is much less likely to make or leave a mess behind him, and is far more dependable and measured in his behaviour than his sisters.
I believe from what I see on here, that most mothers are bringing up decent sons so I can't understand why these anti-male attitudes persist.

First of all OP congratulations on your new baby to come.

People who mouth off about the gender of a baby are cf's. Best ignored.

I think some of us will have an internal preference that (for the majority of us) ends the minute the baba is placed in our arms.

I secretly didn't want a boy
. I looked at the baby world and the prevalence of male violence against women.
Because it had happened to me.

In 2023 798,000 women were raped in England and Wales (and that's just the reported number)
They were not all raped by the same man.

I think we as a society are getting it spectacularly wrong how we raise boys. Not individually but as a whole & it's horrific.

I don't have an answer.

Then my gorgeous boy was born & latterly 2 fabulous girls & I love them all to the moon & back.

So much hate for mums of 2+ girls. We can't choose what we have.

That’s bonkers the mum who didn’t want boys in the house. Only time genitalia play a part here is if it’s a sleep over 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not having a teen girl in my sons room anymore than I’m having a teen boy in my daughters room.

I do think it’s the stereo types that cause the issue tho. As I said I’m not girly. Don’t do make up, heels maybe once or twice a year. My oldest girl not girly at all either, neither is my mum actually.

My sil is one of those who apply make up with a shovel and cement mixer I swear. Always late because she needs her face on and her hair perfect. Which is why it’s so easy to see along side her previous words how she over plays the boys being boys boys. She used to try and steal my oldest girl so go shopping till she was more interested in the boys clothes section 😅