Negativity around boys from mums of girls

[mills8]

Yesterday we found out we are expecting our second baby boy which we are both really excited about. My first little boy, almost 3 is nothing but an absolute joy. He's so chatty, sweet, hilarious, kind and loving and everything with him has always been so easy, he's been a dream to raise and I feel so lucky to be having another. If I could copy and paste him I'd have 10 of him. He's the blonde haired blue eyed boy I always saw in my mind when I pictured him.

Yesterday I seen a post on social media from a mother having her second boy and how disappointed she was, the comments were absolutely filled with people saying the same and how disappointed they were and so many mothers of girls saying they were terrified their precious baby girls were going to be boys and they would never want one so could understand the disappointment. It's not just on that post though, I have seen it countless times on here too and other posts on SM and it's really sad, why is there such negativity around boys? Especially second ones, people seem to really pity parents having a second boy. Is it people just being narrow minded? Why do people have kids if they're set on only one sex? I feel quite sad about the negativity and hoping to hear from some wise mumsnetters. Am I really going to be missing out when they are older?

Double boy Mummy here. I love it! And I'm sure I'd have loved it if I'd had 2 girls, or one of each too.
I think there is this assumption that girls look after parents in their old age, whereas boys don't care.
It's mad really- my husband is very close to his Mum and is actually one of the things I loved about him when we first met.
Congratulations on your lovely news!

@OneHappyGreenSloth eh?? First you say you your lucky and thank your stars every single day that you have girls and then try and say you never said anything about boys being awful but then contradict yourself and say you consider yourself very lucky that you haven't had to raise boys. So then why are you so lucky you haven't had to raise boys but 'don't think they're awful?' Make it make sense. Your comments are downright ignorant and pathetic and you are the absolute prime example of who this thread is about and proves my point perfectly!

You would "be able to raise a boy"? And you're "very lucky" that you "haven't had to"? These statements are very odd. Most people are thrilled, over the moon, delighted to have a healthy baby, boy or girl. What do you object to about boys?

I didn't want to have a daughter. I only voiced that to a therapist I was seeing at the time. I said I envisaged a daughter not being very nice to me. Turns out this was due to being bullied by girls and to my sister being a nightmare as a teenager. I had 2 boys in the end. But if I had had a daughter I'm sure I would have loved her just as much.

We didn't know the sex before the birth and my mum definitely thought it was going to be a girl. It was a (very large) boy. Within a couple of hours she was besotted by him and loved him quite as much as everyone else in the family. She had only had a girl (me) and I remember her saying to me 'I had no idea little boys could be so lovely!' One thing nobody warns you about though is the way in which - once they get to school - small girls will invariably be given more leeway than tall boys of exactly the same age. A friend with three boys pointed this out to me and she was right. Even adults who know that the kids are exactly the same age will treat the boys as though they are a couple of years older!

I think you’re exactly who the OP is referring to!

Surely you should thank your lucky stars you have two healthy children? Regardless of whether they’re girls.

I mentioned earlier on the thread about negativity towards boys on this forum. One example is threads telling us mums of sons how we should be bringing our boys up because apparently we wouldn’t know how to do that 🙄 Always the thread titles are about boys, never threads demanding that mum's of girls must teach them certain things, no it's us boy mums that need telling. I've just seen another one that's why I'm mentioning it, I just find it so bloody condescending.

You wouldn't be able to raise a boy because you would be continually resenting the fact that they were male. Imagine growing up knowing your mother felt like that.

I don't think it's extreme at all to say I have no obligation to my in-laws. I also didn't say I don't want to see them. I am happy to see them at family gatherings, whenever they come and visit us, whenever there is an event we attend as a family. It's all lovely. .

However I don't want to go and visit them weekly on my own with husband as that would be weird and uncomfortable for me. They are people I know through my husband only, I don't have an independent relationship with them. Of he doesn't want to visit them I certainly don't want to visit in his place to take the baby over and it absolutely would be out of obligation alone if I had to. Just as they have never come to visit me without husband being present before baby was here because it would be weird, because they are not my family.

I find it quite extreme if people think that family members acquired through marriage, where you are only related by law are in any way equal to the family that raised you and you grew up with and are actually related to. I would find it very odd if my husband just went to visit my mum without me. I think she would also find it odd because he's not her son🤷

Thank you! Not my experience either. My MIL had two boys, both dote on her. One lives in another city and video calls her with the small grandkids at least once a week, visits when can and she goes down to help out when she can. My DH and I are very close to them and deliberately chose to live not far away, see them at least once a week. She is absolutely amazing as a MIL, so supportive and helpful, respectful as well, they let us stay with them for about 6 months after we married and were trying to buy a house and she wouldn't let me lift a finger around the house.

Meanwhile I had two brothers and we all had a very difficult relationship with our mum while she was alive, as she did with many people, including her own mother. Many of my female friends have difficult/strained relationships with their mums in particular.

I would have loved a girl or a boy and am so excited to be having a little boy for our first! Really don't care what gender any future children are. I really believe it's about nurturing relationships, setting a good example and respecting boundaries to have a healthy relationship with adult children.

That's definitely the key, raising your son's to be close to the family and visit as often as daughters do. It's definitely doable!

My dad and uncle both visit my grandma every week and have their whole lives, and therefore I spent so much time with her as a child I also visit her weekly now, she's like a second mother to me.

It's sad that most men don't engage in the family as much as women but some certainly do 😀

No, the problem is that her son doesn't want to visit.

Me not wanting to visit in his place, on my own, to take the baby to see her is not the problem.

I would never expect my husband to take the baby to see my parents for a few hours on his day off without me because I don't want to go. And no one would ever expect him to. Expecting women to facilitate the contact between babies and in laws is sexist bs.

If you don't get to see a lot of your grandchildren because your son doesn't want to visit. The DIL is certainly NOT the problem.

No the problem is men who can not be arsed. Put the blame where it belongs. Men.

They are ones who should be facilitating the relationship between their child and their parents.

The mother has no obligation just because she might be on maternity leave. That leave is for her to recover and raise her child not to become indebted to her in-laws at whim. She can visit who she likes as her joy or for help because she wants/needs it. It’s not for demands to be made of her by other adults.

I say it everytime. If you don’t have a call in for a coffee, let’s go shopping or whatever relationship with your DIL before she is pregnant you cannot suddenly expect it once she has a baby. You’re treating her like an incubator and nanny to your grandchild at that point. That’s not pleasant.

“not to become indebted to her in-laws at whim“

I think there’s a huge difference between this and what I do which is playing a lesser part - alongside my DH who plays the main part - in forging and maintaining a good relationship between my DC and her grandparents (my DH’s parents). I don’t see this as me doing Women’s Work. My husband also says “We should see your folks this weekend.”

I just think the more positive, high quality relationships my DC have, the better.

I think you’ll find this conversation started because I said that the main problem was men making no effort and outsourcing this work to their wives.
But, yeh , I do think this position that you have “no obligation” whatsoever to your in-laws , and that any visit with the baby should be separately organised and carried out by the man , or it’s never going to happen, is both extreme and part of the problem.

Also , Of course your relationship to your MIL will change after you have a grandchild and you likely might see her much more. Same has happened with my own parents. It’s natural. I think your attitude sucks tbh.

Why would I suddenly become more friendly with in-laws who where not fussed before 🤷🏻‍♀️

They reap what they sowed. I’m not going to go out of my way to spend time with them when I don’t need to when they didn’t give a crap before I birthed the children.

If they want to see the children they are free to take them out or arrange something via dh even if that is a whole family meal or something.

But just as he wouldn’t ring my mum to meet for a coffee I don’t his.

well you do you but as I said I think your attitude sucks, and it makes me glad I have daughters not sons.

I see way more of my own dad now I have kids and our relationship has been closer, as we are both more interested in hanging out now the grandkids are here. Seems totally natural ro me.

I would never expect my husband to take the baby to see my parents for a few hours on his day off without me because I don't want to go. And no one would ever expect him to. Expecting women to facilitate the contact between babies and in laws is sexist bs.

I’m not sexist in the slightest, but I think your attitude that you have “no obligation” whatsoever to your in laws is part of the problem, yes.

That’s the point isn’t it. You as the parent of the baby/child want to see your parent more since you’ve had a child and as such you do.

My in-laws don’t want to see me more. They want the children. But expect it to be my time to facilitate that. Not my husbands.

It’s really no different. My dad wants to see the kids. The kids want to see him. I want help with the kids, so it’s a win all around.
My partner also meets up with my dad with kids without me for the very same reasons 🤷🏼‍♀️.
I agree it’s a problem when men expect their wives to do all the social/ caring work and take no responsibility for maintaining relationships , especially with their own parents, but there’s a long way from that and the kind of attitude that you and Smurf seem to take towards your in laws. Just my opinion though.

So you and your husband equally make sure the children see everyone. That’s great.

My husband doesn’t care if he or the children see his parents. He also wouldn’t arrange to take the children to see my parents. That’s the point here. It works differently to you.

If I’m already doing all the work for my own family. I’m certainly not doing all the work for his family if he cannot be bothered at all.

I had no relationship with my in-laws away from my husband prior to the children either. We wouldn’t meet up for a coffee and chat, we wouldn’t go to town shopping or text or call each other prior to the children.

If I had the type of relationship with them prior to children then maybe it would be different.

I wanted girls because all the things that I was the most excited about sharing with my future children were things that girls were more likely to be into than boys. Even if a hypothetical son liked dolls, miniatures, fantasy series, and period-piece movies, I figured he’d get to an age where he’d be aware that other boys thought it was “girl stuff” and perhaps wouldn’t want to do it anymore. I was also planning to be a SAHM, and the thought of spending hours with a little boy making toy robots loudly fight each other (or whatever) sounded boring as hell. I didn’t have to give birth to a mini-me, but I wanted a child I could relate to. I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t understand my own child. I wanted to have fun with my future children, and a lot of the stuff little boys tend to like is not fun for me.

I guess a hypothetical little boy and I could have still had fun with some stuff my daughters like, like Paw Patrol and Wild Kratts and Harry Potter and Plants vs. Zombies. But personally, I’m glad I had girls.

I’m not okay with people acting like getting a particular gender is a tragedy, though. I’m sure I would have loved little boys too.

My husband doesn’t care if he or the children see his parents.

If I’m already doing all the work for my own family. I’m certainly not doing all the work for his family if he cannot be bothered at all.

I see your point. That totally sucks on his part. Why are so many men like this?

You see way more of your own dad. Perfectly natural. I see way more of my own parents since having my baby.

Do you see way more of your in laws? And wholly because you want to not because your husband wants to? I guarantee my husband has no burning desire to suddenly spend loads of time with my mum because we had a baby and prefers to do his hobbies or have some alone time while I take baby to visit her so why would I have a sudden burning desire to spend loads of time with his parents who I previously saw around 4 times a year?

Visits out of obligation are really uncomfortable and awkward. I am not close to these people or actually related to them so no, I don't want to go and feel awkward for a few hours every week when I really don't have much spare time anyway and would much rather spend it doing something else.

I stand by you are glad you have daughters because most sons can't be bothered to visit their parents, not because daughters don't instantly feel obliged to spend time with women they are not related to or in many cases even that familiar with. If sons were as family orientated as daughters, it wouldn't matter if you had sons or daughters in terms of access to grandkids.

So not find out then having no time to get used to the idea of a baby that's not the preferred sex. That doesn't make sense.