Negativity around boys from mums of girls

[mills8]

Yesterday we found out we are expecting our second baby boy which we are both really excited about. My first little boy, almost 3 is nothing but an absolute joy. He's so chatty, sweet, hilarious, kind and loving and everything with him has always been so easy, he's been a dream to raise and I feel so lucky to be having another. If I could copy and paste him I'd have 10 of him. He's the blonde haired blue eyed boy I always saw in my mind when I pictured him.

Yesterday I seen a post on social media from a mother having her second boy and how disappointed she was, the comments were absolutely filled with people saying the same and how disappointed they were and so many mothers of girls saying they were terrified their precious baby girls were going to be boys and they would never want one so could understand the disappointment. It's not just on that post though, I have seen it countless times on here too and other posts on SM and it's really sad, why is there such negativity around boys? Especially second ones, people seem to really pity parents having a second boy. Is it people just being narrow minded? Why do people have kids if they're set on only one sex? I feel quite sad about the negativity and hoping to hear from some wise mumsnetters. Am I really going to be missing out when they are older?

It just sounds like someone had an opinion and those who shared it commented. I wouldn’t comment on there because it makes no sense to me and though I secretly thought oh it would be nice to have a… it never would have been a big deal.

I have only come across one person in my life who voiced their need to have a baby boy. To the point they cried when each time it was a girl!

I have boys, late teens now. Funnily enough, I was only out clothes shopping with my youngest ds yesterday when I told him that people said that I wouldn’t have anyone to do that with, not having a daughter! My boys love shopping. I have never felt that I missed out on anything, boys are wonderful at every stage and now they tower over me, so handsome and I’m just in awe of them! I can’t imagine and wouldn't want life any other way (but obviously if I’d had daughters I would have said the same thing).

Ignore the negativity, I promise you will love having boys.

There's a lot of pressure on the second baby's gender I've noticed. I had people saying 'if you have another boy you should keep trying for a girl' as though a boy would be disappointing. It's all very odd. Just be glad you don't feel like that and tell everyone you're not finding out the gender until birth. That way you avoid most of the commentary!

Every day?? Really?
Do you see everything through the lens of gender stereotypes?
Is every day a fiesta of frilly pink in your home?

I have a young adult son and daughter. They are fabulous in different ways, though I have a better relationship currently with the boy as my daughter is going through some stuff right now and can be quite irritable. But the way I feel about them has nothing at all to do their gender.

How strange to thank your lucky stars every day. What makes you think you wouldn’t be able to raise a boy?

I dont think people actually stop and think before they speak.

I've got a daughter, and we aren't having any more. The comments about how lonely and spoilt she will be bring me close to tears some days.

Enjoy your lovely boys and ignore them.

Ah me too! X

Yeah it's sad. A lovely parent was expecting her third boy. The parents said people say were you trying for a girl this time and they said we're happy with boys. But how ridiculous they ended up feeling they had to say that. It never occurred to me.

Vile creature, that turned my stomach. How can you call that evil thing your friend?

I do get why people have gender disappointment and I'll add that I did. When I found out about DD I was very much of the opinion what do I do with one of those. I'm stereotypically not girly and was worried about how we would relate to each other especially as we were planning to be one and done. By the end of the pregnancy I'd warmed to her and I couldn't have cared less to what she was. She's absolutely perfect at 5 and I love the bones off her, we have a fab relationship. When I was expecting DS we never found out with him. We would have been happy for another girl and when he was born we looked at each other and said what do we do with a boy ha! With one of each we get the "nawww you have the perfect family". Hell no it honestly doesn't matter we would have been happy with 2 girls, 2 boys or as we have.

Weirdly all of my family is girls (2 boys out of 17 kids) so when DD was announced everyone was so chuffed because for us it was the norm. When DS was announced it was "poor boy to be absolutely outnumbered by all of us" DS loves it though as he has all of the girls to pick flowers for and have cuddles with.

I have a boy. I must be in the minority in that i actually wanted a boy rather than girl. I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm hoping that this one is a boy too. I've found at toddler groups that mums of girls, tend to gravitate together and look on in pity at me with my child.

I have three boys. Was disappointed second wasn’t a girl, I’m really close to my mum and wanted that for myself. But it soon wore off. Had number three as felt not done and broody. Couldn’t have cared less another boy and never cared since, they are the best of friends and I’ve loved my sporting life with them. I just look at them as my children … not boy/girl.

Talk about tone deaf

I have a girl and have already gotten comments if this is a boy I must go again to "give DD a little sister". I think pregnancy and babies is one area that people just say the most unfiltered, insulting comments without really thinking about what they are saying.

I think it’s mostly women who feel they will relate to girls better and possibly be closer to them in the future. I would imagine just as many men have a preference for sons but are perhaps not as vocal about it online. I have no preference personally. I longed for a baby for years before I had one and I was just happy my little boy was born healthy. I would love to have a daughter someday but equally I would love another little boy. If I had a slight preference either way it would probably be for another son as I think it would be lovely for my son to have a brother but like I said I don’t really mind. People just need to be grateful for and cherish the children that they have. Some people aren’t able to have any.

People with strong feelings either way have no business having children. The wrong sex will always be a disappointment, and the right sex better not step out of the pigeonhole they were born into.

Neither child can win with their selfish parents.

I think its because having one of each is perceived as superior somehow. So those with all girls can be quite defensive as they havent given DH a son or whatever. I have 5, a mixture of boys and girls and their sex is such a small factor in the relationship I have with each of them. They are all unique individuals funnily enough. I'm not into pink, matching bows, shopping, manicures etc so I had no need to fulfill that particular fantasy. I do feel sorry for girls who are born into that dynamic. My boys are getting older now and it's wonderful to have this crowd of handsome, strapping young men - they've all loved to carry bags for me etc, even as little 5 year olds, boys love to feel indispensable and that they are taking care of you. My girls are eldest and youngest, with three brothers in between them - whatever dynamic you have, a happy family is a happy family.
Boy negativity is a very 21st C, western world thing. I don't understand it at all. Thinking about it, society is so against males generally these days that it isn't surprising this begins from birth.

Oh my goodness the pressure! I can’t say I’ve ever had that one to my face but maybe people do feel sorry for my DD for ‘not having a sister’ 😂

it does seem that somehow as the bearers of children there are insane and conflicting expectations: don’t have more than two as it’s bad for the planet/do have one of each as they won’t argue so much and you will experience both/ but also do have two the same so they have a same sex bestie for life/ but also don’t care about the gender of your children because they are all individuals/ but also do care about the gender of your children because they need to be parented differently/ definitely don’t have an only child/ but also don’t only have a second child for the sake of your first….

Maybe it’s because I live in an environment that is heavily male orientated that views differ.

I too am an extremely high earner and have definitely seen a huge preference towards boys from both men and women at the same level.

I have 2 girls and 1 boy. I always wanted a girl just being honest here, I love all my children the same. However my boy is honestly the best and always cuddling me, relaxed, sleeps well and so sweet.

I have 3 girls and lots of people mentioned during by last pregnancy that it was a shame my youngest wasn’t a boy 🤷🏼‍♀️. It didn’t really bother me to be honest.

People feel how they feel about this issue and that’s ok. A lot of it is rooted in arbitrary ideas, stereotypes and expectations about gender ; on the other hand gendered dynamics in relationships are very real and powerful, even in 2024.

By way of just a couple of examples, it seems to be widely accepted on mumsnet that GPs on dad’s side can expect to be treated very differently to maternal GP, and have a lot less access to their grandchildren. Also see the recent thread about how a 24 yr old man who chose to spend an evening with his mum is a “mummy’s boy” (and this is a big red flag apparently). These are just two of many, many dynamics where there are different social rules for girl mums and boy mums.

When my second and last daughter was born there was lots of comments about how my husband would never have a son and what a pity that was.

I think people on all “sides” - and on the sidelines tbh - put far too much emphasis on the sex of a baby. It has no bearing on what their personality can or should be.

Not a criticism of you OP but of those people who say things like “oh dear, another boy” or who call themselves “a boy mum”, whatever that means.

This whole idea of “boy mums” and “girl mums” really annoys me too! I get that there can be a smugness and a lack of understanding from parents who only have girls tbh. But equally this whole “boy mum” thing of those who only have boys and want to make it into a character trait of their own is annoying and pretentious too.

Plus you still get the real pressing issue of some parents desperately wanting boys, either for “cultural” reasons (not saying that’s an acceptable reason) or when there’s no non-UK culture at play but one parent, usually the dad, is a horrible sexist.

I happen to have one of each, but their personalities definitely aren’t defined by sex - although it’s quite strange when some character traits they do have in common are thought of as masculine in the girl and feminine in the boy!

I’ve had it the other way- people telling me ‘girls are so much harder!’ Or ‘You’ll have your hands full with her!’ Either way, it’s weird and rude!

why is there such negativity around boys?

It doesn't stop either. It goes on and on

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I totally agree. Their personalities definitely aren't defined by their sex! And the people saying "my boys are so much easier than my girls" or "I only have girls and they are so much easier than my friends boys" it's all a lot of shite really coz in that situation really you are only comparing 2 - 3 individuals, not an entire gender!

I think it would be great if people could keep their mouths shut around other people's pregnancies and babies but according to some threads ive seen on here, people commenting - no matter how rude or insulting, is just them "showing interest in your baby".....