Take the plunge now or wait until secondary? Tearing my hair out and at loggerheads with DP

[Munneyworries]

Me and DP started saving for DD’s school fees when she was born. She’s due to go to school next September and we should have 100k saved by then. The school we are looking at is 18k a year for prep (including VAT), rising to 24k (including vat) at secondary level (obviously may be more by the time she starts secondary).

DP is adamant that she should start next year and our plan that we use 10k drawn down from savings per year and the rest from income. His argument is that the surplus needed from income equates to the same as the nursery fees per month that we have been paying and things have been fine.

I get where he is coming from but I just don’t feel we have enough buffer yet. I don’t want to put her in and then take her out etc. The local primary school is not good in terms of reputation for teaching etc but it is a nice place and friendly and I don’t think it will cause her harm to go there.

We have been arguing about this constantly since viewing the prep school this last week and DP wanting to basically sign up to it immediately. I feel so stressed and don’t want to make a mistake for dd who realistically won’t know the difference between the two schools regardless of which one she starts at.

This is true. My 16 yo dd is at a small private school - circa 45 per year in the senior school. She started in year 9 as she initially wanted to go to state secondary. The kids, who were at the school from young / prep have chosen to leave for A levels / T levels, mostly preferring one of the large state colleges in a town near them. Only one has gone to boarding school.

A few also left her school to go elsewhere for years 10 and 11 or joined at this point so changing between independent schools at any age is not uncommon and the majority staying for 6th form have not stayed in the school from 4 years old as they were fed up with it, despite the junior school and senior school being on different sites.

Ideally dd would have started in year 7. Year 6 or 7 is a very common entry point. What I didn’t factor in are all the extra costs. You don’t just need money for schooling. The bus and uniform are both way more expensive than state. The trips offered are brilliant. Skiing, various costly trips. Dd went skiing 2 years ago and to America. Then there is World Challenge and cheeky little overnights to London etc, all of which cost £££ and wouldn’t be offered with such frequency at state.

Then there’s expectations for the kids. It appears my dd is the only one without a laptop for 6th form so I need to get her one. Most have MacBooks. So dd wants one too and not an entry level book. Then there’s clothes and going out. Dd has more expensive tastes than were she at state. Her friend has a Rolex, Dior jewellery, Moncler coats etc. So there’s benchmarks albeit dd has a second hand Gucci. Her friends all have money so no one thinks twice about eating at a restaurant a couple of times a week or buying Starbucks and so forth. Train rides to a city 30 miles away are common and now they’ve started venturing further afield to London. All with no thought in budget.

Unless you’re in a grammar school area, save the money for secondary. If your dc is bright and would get into grammar, send them to private primary. But all the way through is absolutely not necessary.

@WandaFishy99 the attitude of this particular head was outrageous. She was generally incredibly patronising and appeared to be quite irritated by the questions some parents were asking during her talk after we had toured the school. One of the parents in the audience asked how the school supported children with physical disabilities. The head gave examples of current pupils, one of whom she described as having a 'gammy leg', another as being 'blind as a bat' and then went on to say, and I quote "so girls with wobbly legs, floppy arms, we've got them all here, and we can cope with anything". I'm not sure whether I was more shocked with what the head said, or the parents I could see nodding approvingly as my daughter and I were walking out.

We did private all the way through for DD and DS did 1.5 years state in local primary. DH got a big work deal so if was ok money wise but if I had to do it again - or definitely if it was going to be a struggle - I really think prep is mainly bells and whistles and I don’t think it gave my two a huge advantage. Yes, classes were smaller and more individual attention but up to 11 I think that can easily be made up later on.
There are so many good primaries and junior state schools around. Even if they’re not that great you can supplement the work with reading at home and being involved with their education. Most areas offer lots of extra curricular clubs too so you can add these - it’s just that they won’t all be on one site but it won’t mean they’re worse.
If your DH is that keen do it later but not yet.

My children went to a state primary school with mixed aged classes e.g 4-7. It worked really well. To say the children have different needs that’s the same for any class, I say that as a teacher. What mixed age classes appear to do extremely well is encourage the older children to support and nourish the younger ones. To fully learning a new skill, first recognition of a new skill, then understanding the skill, practicing the skill and finally being able to explain/teach the skill. While younger children just love being taught with older peers. It is the explaining part the is what is needed for good exam grades.
Please don’t let the mixed age class put you off, I did feel anxious about it myself, but seeing it in practice has change my view on it completely. My DD is one of only students in her year predicted to gain all grade 9s, along with one of her friends from the primary school.

This.
Save your money

Agree on all the other comments that 8 is too small. DD went to a tiny (state) primary. 17 kids in her school year. It was a nightmare. No way to get away from kids that didn't gel, or any arguments quickly blew up into massive things.
we moved her to a school with bigger class sizes in KS2. Best thing I ever did for her.

@notwavingbutdrowning1 i am not sure I see where you are coming from. What implications? You mean if we then had to go back to state? But by then they would be in secondary anyway? Or do you mean a moral/conscience implication?

Why do state schools not do IGCSE?

Under Michael Gove's reforms, the GCSE became tougher, with coursework removed from many subjects. This led to the supposedly “easier” IGCSE – involving a mix of exams, coursework and practical assessments – being withdrawn from state schools. Private schools, however, were allowed to continue with them.15 Jan 2020

Is £18k expensive in England? I'm in NI and my daughter goes to a nice girls prep school. It's part of a bigger girl's grammar school and 99% of the girls pass the transfer test and go to the "big school". The fees are £5k a year. I can't imagine paying £18k! We only sent her as it's practically within spitting distance of our house.

@Zapx this is DP’s point basically. He said this is what we’ve been saving for all this time and we have a plan to put it into place now and I am ‘backing out.’

I do see that technically it is possible but it still suddenly seems like a huge commitment and one that is unnecessary. When we looked round the private, yes it was incredible, I am not denying that… but also dd had no idea that there was AstroTurf and a pool or a small class etc. it all seemed a bit silly when the state primary is really cute and friendly!! It’s not like saving 2k it’s saving huge huge amounts. It’s not worth it in my opinion.

Did you or your husband go to private school?
Ultimately it’s whether you can afford it. If you can’t afford it then unless he has a plan for a magic money tree it’s pointless discussing it really.

What I will say is that I went to private primary and secondary (I’m late 30s now, so a while ago!) and there were some distinct advantages to going to private primary. The children moving from private to private had a much easier transition and did better than those going from state to private.

The purpose of the grammar system to promote social mobility and give bright children from the working classes a chance at a good education and career.

(I don't, language evolves)

Even if it was 20k per year, im going to assume you're saving into an ISA already. Even if its just a cash ISA (can find rates at 4.84% online). If you take your 100k, continue to fill up an ISA annually for the 7 years of primary school, you're looking at a pot of circa 300k which is ready for state school.

@Growlybear83 I'm not easily shocked but that's outrageous. She'll make those children feel awful if she talks like that.

Remember, if you did not to to a private school when you were 5, and at 20 you are at Oxford and at 30 you are a multi-zillionnaire, you still did not go to a private school when you were 5!

Eh, so what?

Working class people send their children to private school too.
Grammars take children on ability, and luckily, reverse snobbery doesn't come into it.

(I just have higher standards, probably due to my grammar school education.)

I can't say how shocked I was at the time. I should point out it was a few years ago, and the head is no longer there, but it wasn't THAT long ago and I can still remember the reaction I got from the headteachers I worked with when I told them what she had said.

@Growlybear83 I hope she was replaced by someone more enlightened!

I agree with your point of view about everyone should be allowed to go to Grammar School but as someone that just finished at a Grammar school maybe don't point out grammatical mistakes to people. Someone did that to me and its a little annoying - guess times have changed though and now even at Grammar schools we don't learn proper grammar (I got grade 9 in English but it could just be me) 😅. Also don't take this the wrong way its hard to convey stuff over messages - again I agree with your point

@Munneyworries But these sums aren't right. You've said you pay 1.2k for nursery and it's a struggle to save another 1k. Zapx has you adding 12k a year to your savings whereas your DP wants to use 10k a year from the savings. So you'd start secondary school with about 30k of savings which by then probably isn't even a year's worth of fees.

From what you've said of your finances, I think you could only make it work if you leave the 100k untouched and pay all school fees from income alone for primary at least.

Has your husband realised how much things have increased in price recently? He might be imagining that your income will stretch further than it will and not be considering the practicality of what committing to 14 years of fees looks like. If this is the plan then he needs to show how it will work.

I don't really care if it's annoying you, I'll keep on doing it when and if I see fit.

In my opinion it’s a waste of money before year 4. It was out of my price range but thankfully I live in an area with outstanding schools and my children achieved top grades (and are lovely, kind, well adjusted kids) and it cost me zero. If I had the money then I certainly wouldn’t spend it before year 4 minimum.

A class size of 8 with age 4/7 sounds like a school at risk of closing!
I would hate for a class to be that small. Limited friendships and no way to get away from a kid they don’t like. Sod the astroturf! I’m sure you can use the £100k to pay for swimming lessons too.

Deleted - duplicate comment

Do you plan on having any other children?