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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is abuse.

290 replies

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:22

I love my job and I've always been good at it. Good contacted hours I've worked hard towards to fit around DD meaning no additional childcare, also good pay and I love my team.

DH always moans about it. I don't finished until 5 and by 4 he is moaning that I should be finished and my works stupid, won't look after DD as says I should be finished work and really puts me under pressure. Now my performance is declining.

I spoke to DH about this numerous times and he states he hates my job and he hopes I grt sacked so I have to apply for a new one.

I've eventually caved and have an interview for a new job today. Will mean having to work every other weekend, over Christmas and some nights. DH says we all have to make sacrifices.

I'm gutted, I worked really hard to get to where I am now and really do love my job.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 21/09/2024 08:58

Get a childminder or babysitter for the hour. Don’t leave your job, just please don’t.

He is not right in the head.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/09/2024 08:59

Find out what benefits you would be entitled to if you split. Presumably you will need to pay nursery or aftercare fees too- is there funding for this?
Speak to a family law solicitor to find out where you stand.

Keep doing the job you love - if you do split, you need that bit of constancy in your life.

He is abusive and vile. He won’t want. 50:50 if he moans about looking DC now. In fact, keep a diary of all his complaints as this is evidence he doesn’t want to care for the DC and will help your case when you split.

C152 · 21/09/2024 08:59

Oh god, OP, leave him. Keep the job you love, with good colleagues and EVERYTHING that fits around what you need it to. It seems the thing that doesn't fit is your DH. He will get you sacked or force you to leave the next job too. He has freely admitted he will never step up an parent.

I know you feel there is no way out right now. Maybe it would be better to wait a year or two (only you know), but start planning now. And DON'T quit your job. I know you don't want to put your child in childcare, but do that if he's refusing to look after her for the 1hr of your final working day. It will cost you in the short term, but it will be worth it in the long term.

Pluviophile1 · 21/09/2024 09:00

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:26

Well I asked hi hiw he would manage bed routine when I'm at work on weekends and he said he's not doing it and she will just have fun on the days she's with him

Fuck. That. Do not leave the job you love.
Ditch the twat. He's a terrible dad and a terrible partner. You really would be so much happier without him.

Tahlbias · 21/09/2024 09:00

This is a form of control. He is not an active parent and when you change your job, he'll find something else to control!

3luckystars · 21/09/2024 09:01

skeletonbones · 21/09/2024 08:51

Jeez.
1.put her in afterschool club till 5, will be much better than being nagged by this prick.
2.the new job is pretty much designed by him to fail as he wont look after her any of the extra time, you'll end up having to leave.
3.Leave him as soon as is safe and practical to do so, he is abusive nasty and bad for you and her.

Exactly.
He will pester you so much in your next job that you will leave work entirely. You are walking into a trap!!!!!! Stop please!!

Limer · 21/09/2024 09:03

100% this is abuse, and particularly nasty manipulative abuse at that. I think he wants to control and break you. He wants you in a job that will mean you see far less of your DD - and I'm guessing that seeing as you already do the lion's share of the wifework, you'll be a stressed-out shell by Christmas.

Plan A - Ideally you should leave him.

Plan B - Stand up to him and tell him you won't be leaving your job, so there's no point in him moaning about it.

GingerPirate · 21/09/2024 09:06

Don't leave your job.
Chuck this bastard.
Don't dig a hole for yourself.

kaysee01 · 21/09/2024 09:07

Does dh hate his job & is jealous that you love yours?
How does he envisage being able to get to work for 6 himself if you are working some nights?
What is it about 4-5 that makes him not want you to work then?

PigeonLady · 21/09/2024 09:10

Woah lady you need a light a fire inside and make this man’s life hell until he backs off.

Respectfully what the fuck are you doing?!

PussGirl · 21/09/2024 09:10

Tell him you didn’t get the new job

CwmYoy · 21/09/2024 09:10

Don't leave the job. Leave the controlling cunt.

Notgettinganyeasier · 21/09/2024 09:10

Your present job sounds ideal for you and something you enjoy doing...keep it! Your child is the responsibility of both parents so he's just going to have to suck it up and accept that's what you want to do.
Who is to say if you get this other job that he'll be demanding you give that up too.
I remember having to ask permission to have a shower or pop to the shop when mine were little as their dad didn't like watching them. That relationship didn't last long after I realised he wasn't being supportive. I was so used to doing almost everything on my own I didn't miss him being there.

LightSpeeds · 21/09/2024 09:12

DustyLee123 · 21/09/2024 07:26

Stick with your old job, it will be easier when you kick his arse out the door.

^This. Don't put up with his controlling shit.

LoudSnoringDog · 21/09/2024 09:14

For the love of Christ. Please get rid of this piece of shit

Supperlite · 21/09/2024 09:15

UABU to even have got this interview. Tell your DH to F off

Choochoo21 · 21/09/2024 09:18

I voted YABU

You are leaving a job that you enjoy because he’s got an issue with it???

You know this relationship is going to end soon anyway, so why would you give up something that you enjoy and fits in with your DD?

How are you going to cope working EOW if he refuses to have your DD??

Stop being such a wet wipe and stick with your job that you enjoy.

LAMPS1 · 21/09/2024 09:23

Don’t leave your job, or your child will suffer more.
You can’t trust him to look after her.
Use an after school club for now, for the rest of the school year at least.
Don’t try to reason with him as it’s futile.
You already know that his way makes no sense.

He is deliberately disparaging you and the job, -sabotaging your confidence and as a form of coercive control. He has already got you in a stranglehold where you can’t think straight with his constant badgering.
You must stay strong and do everything you can to hold on to the job you love and deserve and the status you have earned, as you are going to need it.

At the same time, start making your plans for when the marriage finally breaks. Arm yourself with as much information on divorce as possible. Ask questions, quietly gather paperwork and facts ..and money if possible.

SodaFountainMountain · 21/09/2024 09:23

Just wanted to add another voice to say under no circumstances leave your job. He finished at 2 so has three hours of childcare and he’s moaning. He’s trying to control you. He’s already said that he won’t look after DC properly when you work weekends etc. he’s shown you his true colours. Don’t ignore his warning shots.

DamnUserName21 · 21/09/2024 09:24

OP, it would be unwise to give up your current working hours for jobs for include banks holidays and weekends.

It's very very hard to find childcare weekends, Christmas and other bank holidays. I can't see your husband looking after DD on his days off when he can't be arsed to do an hour or two after work.

Do not leave your job security.

EdithBond · 21/09/2024 09:27

Don’t leave your job. It’s disrespectful and controlling for him to moan about it and ask you to leave. Why doesn’t he change his job so he doesn’t finish til 6pm? The. you working until 5pm won’t bother him as he won’t be there!

Build your own carer and financial independence and then you can leave him if his attitude towards you doesn’t improve. But tell him in the meantime he should respect you and your job and stop moaning.

Maray1967 · 21/09/2024 09:27

GRex · 21/09/2024 07:56

Breakfast or after school club is much better than missing weekends and Christmas.
Yes, he sounds abusive. Talk to women's aid to make a plan, or have this moved to the relationship board for advice.

This. The 8-4 option is better if you’re not able to leave him and he won’t basically grow up.

The new job sounds harder.

Do you have leverage due to looking after your stepson? I’d be telling H that if he doesn’t pack it in you’ll be out with DD when DSS is there and you will do no childcare.

Hoppinggreen · 21/09/2024 09:27

You might think its easier just to change jobs but I can guarantee whatever job your do your H will continue to be a Dick.
Its not your job you need to change

Inspireme2 · 21/09/2024 09:29

Tell him to hire help for 4-5pm out of his wage.
Do not throw a job you like in for a partner who has no right telling you to get a job which will cause the same attitude from him.
What a supportive partner, what the hell is that about.
Are you earning more or what is the threat he feels?

StickItInTheFamilyAlbum · 21/09/2024 09:30

Downandout21 · 21/09/2024 07:32

I wish it was. But nope absolutely true, I know I should stay at the job I want to do, but when you have someone moaning at you day after day for the last hour or so of your working day, it wears thin and it's easier to just get the new job.

Show quote history

As PPs say, if he won't mind his children for an hour now, he's not intention of doing it for this new job.

He's trapping you. Don't allow this to happen, it won't work out well for you or the children.