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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just found out he's married

143 replies

suusbsbsklckx · 20/09/2024 23:11

Been seeing a guy for a few months, so not long at all but it's been amazing.

we just click, have amazing chemistry, everything has been perfect. I honestly felt like I'd met my person.

and today i find out he's actually
married, and has a child.

I feel sick. I feel disgusting, the guilt is eating me up. And I feel awful with myself that there's a part of me that doesn't even want to end it. I feel so strongly for him that I don't want to let him go and I know that's an awful way to feel.

i know I need to end it. But I just need the harsh truth of how stupid I am to even consider seeing him again

OP posts:

QualifyingEdition · 20/09/2024 23:12

im sorry. You can get out though.

user47 · 20/09/2024 23:13

Block him on everything and hold your resolve. You can never trust him no matter what happens, what foundation is that. You deserve better.

PlantDoctor · 20/09/2024 23:13

Definitely end it. He's a cheat.

Currently you have the moral high ground as you were unaware. You won't if you continue.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2024 23:14

Stay with him and one day he will do the exact same thing to you. You're not special. This is will not be a fairytale.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2024 23:14

You need to understand that nothing you feel for him is based on any truth.
He has lied and presented you with a false version of a human, he has catfished you in person.

You don't need to see him, there is no justification for what he has done, there is no happy ending here because none of it was real.

Block his number and forget him.

CarpetSlipper · 20/09/2024 23:17

This is a shit situation to be in him but I don’t understand how you can feel anything for him after finding this out. He’s not who you thought he was. Block him and move on.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2024 23:18

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2024 23:14

Stay with him and one day he will do the exact same thing to you. You're not special. This is will not be a fairytale.

I agree

If he'd told you about wife and baby you might have been an exit affair and you might have 'won' the cheater (not the best prize!) but it seems like he's been lying the whole time.

How did you find out op?

Maria1979 · 20/09/2024 23:18

You feel strongly about the person you thought he was. He doesn't exist. I would tell his wife because she deserves to know who she's living with.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2024 23:18

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2024 23:14

You need to understand that nothing you feel for him is based on any truth.
He has lied and presented you with a false version of a human, he has catfished you in person.

You don't need to see him, there is no justification for what he has done, there is no happy ending here because none of it was real.

Block his number and forget him.

Edited

I agree.
Expect your feelings op - they were and are real. So let yourself grieve but don't try and chase the high of the fake honeymoon period this man gave you x

SleepPrettyDarling · 20/09/2024 23:19

Not your fault. Not stupid. Just walk away.

Summerbay23 · 20/09/2024 23:21

So he lied to you from the beginning? And has no respect for a relationship? I understand why you feel how you do but he really doesn’t paint himself in a great light. Would you feel secure in a relationship where your partner has shown himself to be capable of lying and cheating?

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 20/09/2024 23:21

You weren’t to know but now you do know you need to adapt your thinking to who he really is and what he wants. He is a cheat to his wife and a liar to you.

He lied to you by omitting the facts.

He now wants you to think that he is honest because he has told the facts afterwards.

You should have been able to make a judgement based on his situation as a married man with child.

He wants you to be complicit in his decision to cheat.

The person you thought you were falling for did not exist. He was lying to you and his wife.

The man is not to be trusted.

His wife should be told the truth but I’m sure he doesn’t want to consider that

Didimum · 20/09/2024 23:22

Jesus, his poor wife and child. Their world will be destroyed. How can you feel anything for someone that would do that to their wife and their little one, and used you as his feel-good plaything to boot. Disgusting.

Original poster

suusbsbsklckx · 20/09/2024 23:22

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2024 23:18

I agree

If he'd told you about wife and baby you might have been an exit affair and you might have 'won' the cheater (not the best prize!) but it seems like he's been lying the whole time.

How did you find out op?

Show quote history

I asked him. Some things he said / his behaviour was just a bit odd, I'd been kinda ignoring it for a while thinking I was being paranoid but I eventually just said do you have a wife or something (obviously thinking be would give me a rational explanation and put my mind at rest) but no he just admitted it. No shame. im just in shock with the whole thing

OP posts:

kenidorm · 20/09/2024 23:23

He admitted to having a wife and you didn't end it there and then? What did you say?

Original poster

suusbsbsklckx · 20/09/2024 23:24

To answer people's questions I'm not truly considering staying with him. I know it's wrong, I know he's awful and not the person I thought he was. But it's just hard to turn those feelings off immediately. I really thought we had something, and I want that back. But I know I can't have it

OP posts:

Original poster

suusbsbsklckx · 20/09/2024 23:24

kenidorm · 20/09/2024 23:23

He admitted to having a wife and you didn't end it there and then? What did you say?

I didn't really say anything, I just said I had to go. I didn't even know what to say

OP posts:

Shinydoor · 20/09/2024 23:25

It’s very simple really. He’s not amazing, he’s not who you thought he was, it’s all a lie. All of it

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 20/09/2024 23:28

Drop him like a hot potato, be clear that it’s over and as others say block him on everything. Go out with friends and be completely unavailable to him. If you want, go forth and have fun with an honest, gorgeous man who deserves your respect and love. There are many, many different types of lovely men out there, don’t waste your precious life with one who clearly is not.

CrazyGoatLady · 20/09/2024 23:29

You've been duped and lied to, OP. I'm sorry, that sucks to think you've found someone decent and they turn out to be a dishonest, cheating rat.

If he can do this to his wife and child, he would do it to you. Get out and stay out. Block him, complete no contact. Sometimes easier to just rip off the plaster.

LovelyDaaling · 20/09/2024 23:31

He used you. What a creep.

PoachesPeaches · 20/09/2024 23:36

I'm sorry op in that I know what it feels like to be duped. You feel stupid but it's not your fault. It says everything about what an immature person he is , acting incredibly selfishly, and nothing about you or your integrity.

You can dress him down but people like him don't care. His wife either knows or is oblivious or suspects. The best revenge is to take your freedom, walk away and enjoy life. Give yourself a statute of limitations of one week to be pissed off then plan some self care and put it behind you.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 20/09/2024 23:39

He has lied to and betrayed the two people in his life he is supposed to love more than anyone else in the world. And not only has he done that with ease, he’s also shown not the slightest bit of guilt or shame about it, or about putting you in a position where you have also been lied to and led up the garden path.

You didn’t click with him and you don’t have feelings for him. You clicked with and had feelings for the man you thought he was. He isn’t that person. It’s all a massive lie.

Ladyritacircumference · 20/09/2024 23:40

He sounds absolutely unhinged. Run!

PingPongPiddlyPong · 20/09/2024 23:42

kenidorm · 20/09/2024 23:23

He admitted to having a wife and you didn't end it there and then? What did you say?

Give her a break. She wasn’t expecting him to say that.
Are you telling me that you’ve never thought of the perfect response to a person hours after the conversation was over?

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