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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just found out he's married

143 replies

suusbsbsklckx · 20/09/2024 23:11

Been seeing a guy for a few months, so not long at all but it's been amazing.

we just click, have amazing chemistry, everything has been perfect. I honestly felt like I'd met my person.

and today i find out he's actually
married, and has a child.

I feel sick. I feel disgusting, the guilt is eating me up. And I feel awful with myself that there's a part of me that doesn't even want to end it. I feel so strongly for him that I don't want to let him go and I know that's an awful way to feel.

i know I need to end it. But I just need the harsh truth of how stupid I am to even consider seeing him again

OP posts:
Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 21/09/2024 05:11

People are being a bit harsh here, it's normal to be in a state of shock and to need time to process things.

Like a relationship that turns abusive the difficult fact is the person you thought you had doesn't actually exist. Trust me I know how hard it is.

Feelinghurt2 · 21/09/2024 05:19

@IfOnlyTheyWent Wise words. A similar thing happened to me. Went out with a bloke who told me that he had separated from his wife - told me she was bonkers and controlling and had "fooled him" into having a child together (?!) He made me believe that they had joint custody of the little girl and took it in turns to have her. I even met her a couple of times. I was so blinded by excitement that he wanted to spend time with me and I was young and stupid and trusted him. He told me he lived in his friend's attic room until he could get his own place. Then lo and behold, he posted a scan picture on Facebook showing his new unborn baby! When I questioned him about it, it turned out that he had lied the whole time. He had never been separated from his wife at all and they lived together with their little girl, and had a new baby on the way. I was beside myself with anger and hurt, but he just shrugged at me as if it meant nothing. It's like they read a script - wife is always mad....they have grown apart....like brother and sister.....But they must either forget what they've told to whom or are just downright thick!

OP, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It really hurts. I think one of the worst things is how it sounds to me as though he just readily told you his real situation without any real angst or guilt. Did he apologise? Anyway on the flip side, I salute you for having the courage to trust your instinct and know that something felt 'off' and for confronting him. You've done yourself the biggest favour imaginable. Knowledge is power! This could have gone on for far longer without you knowing, and you might have felt even more awful many more months or even years down the line. Hold your head up high and know you are doing the right thing by staying away. What a nasty, unfeeling bit of work he sounds. I hope you meet a lovely and genuine man. 💗

NiftyKoala · 21/09/2024 05:42

This wasn't your fault. It was also a huge shock. I hope you can get some time to deal with this level of shock.

Crankyaboutfood · 21/09/2024 05:44

SleepPrettyDarling · 20/09/2024 23:43

This is actually a great reaction. Your instinct was to get up and leave. Keep walking! You didn’t react emotionally; you had the wherewithal to withdraw. That shows your innate strength and sense of right and wrong. More power to you.

Show quote history

totally agree. sorry this happened to you, but you were smart to listen to your gut. this is disappointing, but save yourself and get out.

H12345 · 21/09/2024 05:50

How awful but also what a lucky escape! Keep well away as you deserve better and so does his poor wife who is sat at home babysitting whilst he is out having affairs. Feel sorry for you both.

Sartre · 21/09/2024 05:51

I’m sorry this has happened to you but equally, be pleased it has happened a few months into the relationship rather than years. At least you didn’t waste even more time on the twat. Unbelievable that he just brazenly and unashamedly admitted it as well.

Walk away.

Edingril · 21/09/2024 05:52

Feelinghurt2 · 21/09/2024 05:19

@IfOnlyTheyWent Wise words. A similar thing happened to me. Went out with a bloke who told me that he had separated from his wife - told me she was bonkers and controlling and had "fooled him" into having a child together (?!) He made me believe that they had joint custody of the little girl and took it in turns to have her. I even met her a couple of times. I was so blinded by excitement that he wanted to spend time with me and I was young and stupid and trusted him. He told me he lived in his friend's attic room until he could get his own place. Then lo and behold, he posted a scan picture on Facebook showing his new unborn baby! When I questioned him about it, it turned out that he had lied the whole time. He had never been separated from his wife at all and they lived together with their little girl, and had a new baby on the way. I was beside myself with anger and hurt, but he just shrugged at me as if it meant nothing. It's like they read a script - wife is always mad....they have grown apart....like brother and sister.....But they must either forget what they've told to whom or are just downright thick!

OP, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It really hurts. I think one of the worst things is how it sounds to me as though he just readily told you his real situation without any real angst or guilt. Did he apologise? Anyway on the flip side, I salute you for having the courage to trust your instinct and know that something felt 'off' and for confronting him. You've done yourself the biggest favour imaginable. Knowledge is power! This could have gone on for far longer without you knowing, and you might have felt even more awful many more months or even years down the line. Hold your head up high and know you are doing the right thing by staying away. What a nasty, unfeeling bit of work he sounds. I hope you meet a lovely and genuine man. 💗

He didn't make you believe anything you chose to believe what you wanted to believe

Do people open their eyes when meeting new people? Just because people tell you something does not male it true I am wondering if the need to put that on the sides of buses or on posters at bus stops

Commonsense22 · 21/09/2024 06:23

Don't feel guilty ad it's not your fault.

It's normal that you are struggling to end it as feelings can't be switched off in a second, there's a mourning period.
You still know what the right thing to do is though. I'm sorry you've been misled.

Askmehowiknow2021 · 21/09/2024 06:26

@Edingril that is unnecessarily harsh and a great way to let these lying fucks off the hook. That twat didn’t tell her he was married with a child and one on the way and she “chose” to ignore it. He lied and said he was single. Poster admitted she was young and “stupid”. I don’t think she was stupid as it happens, naive maybe, but not stupid. When you are not a total lying fucker yourself, it is hard to fathom the depth and breadth of lies that some people tell. If you’ve a strong moral compass, you tend to assume, particularly when young and lacking life experience (e.g you’ve not run across these lying fuckers before!) that others do too. I am old now but the shitty things people do still has the capacity to shock me at times….

betterangels · 21/09/2024 06:32

Shinydoor · 20/09/2024 23:25

It’s very simple really. He’s not amazing, he’s not who you thought he was, it’s all a lie. All of it

And he has no shame. He's not a good person. He's a complete bastard.

UpTheMagicFarawayTree · 21/09/2024 06:35

Your feelings aren't really for him though, rather they are for the person he pretended to be. He was basically acting.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 21/09/2024 06:41

Oh OP I think some posters are giving you an unnecessarily hard time on here and being v judgemental.

Feelings are never linear.....the answer is simple (ie have nothing more to do with this cheating manipulative ass).....but not easy!

A v similar thing happened to me.....had been seeing a guy for 9 months. It was just magical and we really connected on all levels, but quite a few things weren't adding up. I did a lot of digging and discovered he was married with two older teenage boys

I was dumbfounded. Took me a v long time to switch my feelings off but also knew I couldn't see him anymore......but that didn't mean I didn't want to!

As others have said....rip the band aid off.

Bon courage x

Ohhbaby · 21/09/2024 06:46

I read something the other day that stuck with me. "When a married man marries his mistress, a vacancy opens."
I know you don't really consider staying with him, but if you think you can make it work long term with him leaving his wife, thi k of this quote.

Elasticatedtrousers · 21/09/2024 06:54

I talk about removal of informed sexual consent and personal agency when a partner is cheating. But in this case it applies to you too. His lying removed your consent and agency. Who on earth would you even consider carrying on with someone who is such a liar and manipulator. You’d be jumping into the frying pan.

EI12 · 21/09/2024 07:01

I will be told , yet again, to go back to the XIX century, but there is a reason there is an established procedure for dating - i.e. getting to know each other, getting to know their family and friends, then dating, then marriage and then sleeping. It was historically done to protect women (I am thinking our daughters) from heartbreak and vulnerability (i.e. single motherhood, with all its concomitant hardship - single income, reliance on grandparents, interrupted/abandoned study/employment). That way you won't suddenly realised he is married/hereditary lunatic/gay/mass murderer, etc.

Sorry I am giving advice when the horse has already bolted, but maybe for future reference?

Sugarplummama · 21/09/2024 07:03

Absoloutly don’t even consider it.

If it were me in this position I’d want a friend to spell it out to me - you’ve been dating 3 months. That’s just 12 weeks. 12 weeks of your whole life, it’s really not that long. Move on.

Evaka · 21/09/2024 07:07

So sorry OP, this is heart breaking for you. He's an utter piece of shit. Hope you have good people to support you through this x

hattie43 · 21/09/2024 07:14

Why are you feeling such self guilt , you didn't know . The guys an arse and you know you need to get rid .

Caramellie3 · 21/09/2024 07:21

I’m guessing he love bombed you which is why it felt amazing. Plus he knew what game he was playing as he has possibly played it before. If he was amazing he would have been upfront with you and told you the truth about his marriage. He is probably a player and has only shown you the part of him you want to see. I think some men with young children if that’s the case, miss the attention that moves onto their children so seek that attention elsewhere…

Imfreetofeelgood · 21/09/2024 07:24

SleepPrettyDarling · 20/09/2024 23:43

This is actually a great reaction. Your instinct was to get up and leave. Keep walking! You didn’t react emotionally; you had the wherewithal to withdraw. That shows your innate strength and sense of right and wrong. More power to you.

Show quote history

100 %. You did great OP, and have the strength to move on. Block, block, block.

LlynTegid · 21/09/2024 07:27

The only reason to meet again is to tell him why you are ending it face to face. If you think that is better than just blocking him or sending a message.

Exception7 · 21/09/2024 07:28

Askmehowiknow2021 · 21/09/2024 06:26

@Edingril that is unnecessarily harsh and a great way to let these lying fucks off the hook. That twat didn’t tell her he was married with a child and one on the way and she “chose” to ignore it. He lied and said he was single. Poster admitted she was young and “stupid”. I don’t think she was stupid as it happens, naive maybe, but not stupid. When you are not a total lying fucker yourself, it is hard to fathom the depth and breadth of lies that some people tell. If you’ve a strong moral compass, you tend to assume, particularly when young and lacking life experience (e.g you’ve not run across these lying fuckers before!) that others do too. I am old now but the shitty things people do still has the capacity to shock me at times….

Absolutely 100% this.

bigvig · 21/09/2024 07:30

I'm glad you're leaving him OP. Even better if you can send the wife some proof of the affair. She deserves to know who she is living with.

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/09/2024 07:34

You’ve fallen for a lie OP. End it! I would tell the wife also to be honest.

GRex · 21/09/2024 07:35

everything has been perfect
If someone is lying, you are not getting a real person's real responses, so it will appear much better than the real human.

It's ok to grieve what you thought you'd find, your responses were honest and true. If it's easier for you, just block him on everything so that you can take time to heal. It sounds like you don't have any easy way to find the wife, so no need to prioritise telling her, as the effort of looking her up will be really hard for you.