Just found out he's married

[suusbsbsklckx]

Been seeing a guy for a few months, so not long at all but it's been amazing.

we just click, have amazing chemistry, everything has been perfect. I honestly felt like I'd met my person.

and today i find out he's actually
married, and has a child.

I feel sick. I feel disgusting, the guilt is eating me up. And I feel awful with myself that there's a part of me that doesn't even want to end it. I feel so strongly for him that I don't want to let him go and I know that's an awful way to feel.

i know I need to end it. But I just need the harsh truth of how stupid I am to even consider seeing him again

What a shitty individual he is, and to just admit it without any shame, that's disgusting. Well done for trusting your instincts and challenging him OP.

You'd never be able to trust this person, even if he left his wife to be with you, so you'd be well rid of him. It's hard to adjust your feelings to accept the new reality, but it sounds as though you're going to do the right thing and ditch him. He's not worthy of you.

Once a cheat, always a cheat: he'll cheat on you just like he cheated on his wife so block, dump & run.

Ugh, I'm sorry.

Right now your brain is in the high, soppy, loved-up pairing off chemical phase which we crave, love and want to cling on to. Basically it's how nature gets us pregnant.

And when this drug is suddenly withdrawn, or you're faced with going cold turkey, the craving and the crash are dreadful. We do stupid things to get it back and run after it even though we know it's going to hurt us.

It's horribly hard, but you have to cut him 💯% off. You will never be happy with him. Once a lying, cheating bastard, always a lying, cheating bastard.

And this is about your self respect and your reputation. If, to preserve this high state, you choose to continue to see this man who has a trusting wife and children, you'll lurch from being a wronged deceived woman to being one of the two bad guys complicit in hurting another woman - because you know about his family, now.

I know this is an argument point here on Mumsnet, but if you can, I'd also tell the poor wife. You won't be the first, or the last woman he's had on the side. Men like this have a habit.

She has a right to know - and she is at risk of sexually transmitted disease. She needs to make her own decision whether to just accept it, him and the risks, or not.

There's four billion of them on the planet. This one's a dud.

If he lied about this, what else has he lied about? If he is doing this to his wife, will you trust that he won't do it to you? I'm sorry it's happened but run for the hills and don't look back

Sorry you are having to deal with this. As hard as it will feel for you, don't romanticise it all in your head. He has cheated on you too. When he's not with you, he will be at home with his wife most likely being all nicey to her too. IF they are going through a difficult patch in their relationship after having a child, he should be a better man and work through that together with his wife, not use the next available person to fulfil that side of his needs. His wife really deserves to know. Hope you are are ok, it will get easier.

And it's okay to feel this way. You may have those feelings for a little while. But you don't deserve to be lied to in this way. If he lied to about his wife and child, what else is he lying about? He shouldn't have made himself available to you due to being married. You'll definitely meet someone else later who is single and won't lie to you like this. Your time and energy is precious. Just think of all of your time and energy he's just wasted when you could've spending it someone else worthy of it. As another post said, let yourself grieve, cry, binge on ice cream if you have to. Let it all out then let him go (mentally). You deserve better than him or anything he has to offer you. Be kind to yourself & good luck.

It's hard when you have the full force of lust hormones still pumping around and he has literally been charming the pants off you. But unfortunately he's not at all who you thought he was and you probably need to grieve a bit for what you thought you had, it's a shock. He lied. He is untrustworthy and likely a narcissist, they are all super charming in the beginning until their mask slips. This probably isn't the first time, he could have multiple women on the go behind his wifes back. He wanted an ego stroke and you unwittingly gave that to him. He robbed you of your choice not to proceed with an affair because if he'd said he was married you could have said no, being in possession of all the facts. He doesn't respect you or probably any other woman enough to tell the truth so deep down likely a misogynist and just sees women put on earth for his pleasure and use. He is a man who can shut off his feelings for his own child and wife who he legally committed to and fuck around, either he doesn't care about the consequences or is so arrogant thinks he won't be found out! I'd be searching out the wife and send an anonymous message with proof including times and dates. You may think it's not your job to do it, but you've caught him out and this complete tosser deserves to be found out so he experiences some negative consequences or he'll carry on doing exactly this to other women. Someone needs to be morally responsible and it's clear it's not going to be him! His wife deserves to lead an authentic life or at least have the chance to know the truth so she can decide what she wants. Also both of you need STI checks potentially.

OP, he is likely not showing you who he really is. He has found out what you like in a partner and he is pretending to be this man. This pretense is what you like, not the real him. You don't know the real him. The fact that he has admitted that he is not single after all these month is just lifting the veil of his deceit.

As long as you end it now, you have nothing to feel guilty about. In fact you deserve to be angry that he lied and deceived, not only you, but his wife as well. I'll bet he has not told her the truth, because she is providing a comfortable home base for him. I am also willing to bet this is not the first time he has done this. He might even be getting off on the fact that he can deceive women like this.

You don't owe him any sort of response or explanation. I would echo blocking him on everything.

If you want to take a more proactive stance, you can also inform his wife. She deserves to know as well.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, how horrible of him, and for you. I would also strongly consider telling his wife, if you can. You can do it anonymously.

Thank you everyone. I took last night away from my phone, put on a film and just cried myself out.
now this morning reading all your replies I'm crying again, but it's good. Thank you everyone for your kind words. Also the less kind words, I needed to hear it all.
Some people have said I should see him one last time to end it, I really don't think I have it in me tbh. After everything I still just want to run to him and have him comfort me. Pathetic I know.
he's sent me a few messages - can you believe he said he never told me he was single so really he wasn't lying. Who on earth meets someone on a dating site and goes out and thinks they wouldn't be single?! I've never once asked someone on a first date if they're married because why on earth would I, surely the assumption is we're single.

He's definitely done this before OP. He's just too slick with excuses.

Bet you that as soon as you dump him you'll see his profile magically appear on dating site and some other poor woman will be suckered in.

Please tell his wife. She needs to know because he's risking her health with an STI, as well as abusing the poor woman.

Well done op for seeing the light.as pp said he's to slick with the lies he's definitely done this before.youve escaped a fucker with no moral compass.

Dump him. He’s not the amazing man you thought. He’s a dirty, lying bastard who’s happy to treat women like shit

Leave him, block his sorry arse and hot foot it to the sexual health clinic for some tests.

He is vile. There are lots of cheating scums out there! Ladies you need to DIG and always ask ASAP if they have a wife, a fiancee, a gf, or ANYONE who things she is any of these!

He’s still trying to play you and reel you in - how vile! But it’s good he’s showing you who he is - if you continued this relationship, even if he was single, I’d be willing to bet he’d be one of those who twist everything into being your fault. You’re actually having a lucky escape even if it doesn’t feel like it. And don’t see him! Just drop and block - he doesn’t deserve more.

Oh OP I'm so sorry! What a scum bag he is.

I hope you can see friends or family today that will offer true support and strength.

You don't deserve this and neither does his wife.

Also he is trying to gaslight you, saying he never told you he was single...I think this shows you exactly who he is.

Well done for walking away, I know you will be ok

Don't see him again 'one last time'. 'just to end it.' It will just hand all the control to him.

He's already gaslighting you and twisting what he did, via text.

Send him one last written message to say it's over and he is not to contact you again.

Block him.

Don't look at or answer any more messages.

Screenshot and send his messages to his wife. I'm firmly in the 'she has the RIGHT to know' camp.

Urgh that’s grim, trying to defend himself by saying he never directly lied. Nasty, no remorse, no concern for how much he’s hurt you. Avoiding responsibility with weak attempts at self justification and shifting blame onto you.

If he cared about you he would be so apologetic for misleading you, effectively tricking you into a relationship and sex that you wouldn’t otherwise have gotten into. If he cared about his wife of course he’d be devastated to have broken her trust. He cares only about himself.

Men like this shouldn’t be allowed to operate a penis. Anything you can do to cause him a little discomfort in his life?

As the saying goes, 'If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.'
Hard as it might be, you need to end this.

Please tell his wife

Don't feel bad. The bad is all on him. You Deserve Better, Sister!

OP, didn’t want to read and run; you’ve had some harsh replies on here.

This has just happened to a close friend of mine, except he was engaged not married. She’s absolutely devastated, and was also mortified that she hadn’t known sooner. The fact is, the absolute constant lies that he told (and very expertly) to cover that up showed what an absolute arrogant, self centred and, quite frankly, narcissistic person he is. She actually despises cheating and almost felt complicit in his lies when she found out, although she is also the victim in the scenario.

On a technicality, just like your guy, this one also was cheating on my friend- albeit with his fiance. It shows a deep lack of respect for all the women involved- neither of them have consented to sharing their bed with someone who is sharing a bed with someone else.

These men are professional liars, you do not deserve to be treated with such contempt and deceit. Think of it as a very, very lucky escape. Wish you all the very best 💐

That must have been a shock 🥺

I would end it no hesitation. He has lied to you and would possibly keep lying to you.
Men often act amazing in the early months - it’s how they get women to let their guard down but believe them when they show you who they really are.

I would suggest an STI test too. There’s the chance that there will have been other women.

You have fallen for someone that doesn't exist. There is absolutely no chance you have been seeing the 'real' him - until now, now you have seen a glimpse of what you'd be in for. Probably while his poor wife has been putting up with the twat, the real twat behind the mask.

Block him.

Married fathers shagging around 🤢