It's good that you've been honest with her. I think a meeting in person is good if she wants to visit you and DD at home. The social worker who got involved after our school referred to them spent ten minutes here and had a cup of tea (she said usually we decline, but here I think it will be fine!) and when she saw my happy children andthe fridge stuffed with food and their trampoline and swings and climbing frame and all of their toys and craft boxes and lego and holiday photos and talked to them with them saying how much they love home and showing her their bedrooms and talking about all of their extracurricular activities etc, and DD picking her a bunch of flowers from the garden, she very quickly said "lovely as this has been, I have to go and see some other children now" and told the Head not to waste their time again because they have at-risk children to see.
What makes me angry is that say I didn't happen to have a good job so I can provide a a lovely 4 bedroom house and pay for OFSTED registered nannies for wrap around/ school holidays (my children can't cope with group childcare on top of school so I have to pay £3k per month childcare costs plus my mortgage), what then? What about the lone parent who is just as much of a loving parent as me but doesn't have the nannies etc who see the children's home life to back up what they are telling SS when such malicious referrals about "neglect" are made by a school wanting the blame the parent when they have traumatised the child?
But in our case, her visiting us really helped because she could see immediately how totally ridiculous the Head's claims were. Yeah, this neglectful parent who can't be bothered to send her to school but whose son is still attending every day, very mysterious. Who pays for private operations etc because the NHS may as well not exist. Clearly I don't care for her at all...
No apology from the idiotic Head though, still, of course. No modelling of appropriate behaviour to children, and admitting when you have made a huge mistake. All just misogynistic assumptions about their life because I'm a lone parent. He asked me which floor our flat is on. Nothing wrong with living in a flat but why assume we do? Because I'm a lone parent. He said how hard their life must be with me struggling on benefits and if I need help with benefit applications. Clueless that I am an economist and chartered accountant and earn far more than him. These idiots really do exist and think that their prejudices and stereotypes trump medical evidence.
I don't think you're wrong to show emotion. You are not a robot. But I would keep all communication factual and just call out the gaslighting, in writing, every single time it happens. Muster your rage at what they've done to your DD and channel it into cool, calm but absolutely firm refusal to accept any more bullshit. Being autistic we have had a lifetime of conditioning of trying to "fit in" and people please and they will use this against you and manipulate you, knowing that you will take what they say at face value. Then deny is later, as you said. It's completely exhausting, I really feel for you. And the prospect of another ten years or so of this fills me with absolute dread.
I also downloaded a call recording app that transcribes conversations. Every time I speak to LA/ school by phone I use this now and tell them at the start of the call it is being used to take minutes so nobody has to write them up. That way they have been informed and cannot reasonably object, and their little game of denial cannot continue.
It really is a shambles to have to treat people who are meant to be professionals in this way but they have forced you into this situation and it sounds like you've been nothing but reasonable and constructive so you do have to fight for her and not be embarrassed to do so. She is so lucky to have a parent who understands and protects her, unlike many of us who are not autistic adults when we were growing up.
It's just a shame that education is still littered with so many discriminatory, ignorant and vindictive people. To call you erratic for being emotional watching discrimination harming your child? What planet are they on? Do they not realise autistic children grow up into autistic adults, who ALSO need reasonable adjustments? Explicitly make this point to them. Gaslighting you, lying and moving the goalposts continually is the opposite of that. Don't forget that they are required by law to make reasonable adjustments as well for how they interact with you as DD's parent.
My DD is a little better now, thanks for asking. She is back in school and obnoxious Head has been removed from the situation, though sadly not from the school. But the school is still obstructing her EHCP. SENCO still refusing to communicate but they were eventually forced by a senior member of Council staff to implement provision for her to at least be able to attend safely again. Those 3 months she was off were hell though. I am a lone parent so have to work, and have no childcare in school hours. They refused to provide work for her so I had to look up the curriculum myself, home school her in the daytime and do my full time job at night and sleep 1-2 hrs per day, with her getting increasingly distressed because they refused to even talk about solutions.
I honestly don't know these people sleep at night.