To tell Children's Services it is a malicious referal from school

[UndertheCedartree]

So DD's school have today told me they are referring us to Children's Services. Ever since I made a complaint they have been trying to off roll her. They are not putting in proper support for DD leaving her struggling and then not wanting to go in the next day. Apparently this is all my fault. I feel this is just another tactic for me to be so fed up with the school I pull her out.

You're doing amazingly under the circumstances! It's perfectly natural reaction to be very upset as a loving conscientious mother, I certainly was, and I ONLY JUST held it together by trying to do the best for my kids. I was a single parent working full time at the time, and my ex suffers from schizophrenia so i couldn't involve him as it would make him more sick. I thought we were doing well as a family under the circumstances, my kids seemed happy at home, and was utterly devastated when I got the referral, but after the shock i just wanted to sort it all out. You and your child need some support right now, and if you fully engage with child services they will help you. it's just crying SHAME that the school don't seem to be doing that, let's hope they pull their bloody socks up when CS get involved.

That kind of approach would help DD so much. All we need is to get her to come into school even if she just spends half an hour colouring to gradually feel safe at school. And then as you say start a gradual reintroduction to learning - learning anything is better than the nothing right now.

We definitely need a meeting with the SENCo and other relevant people without the head, deputy and attendance blocking it. Also the attendance lady from the council is a nice lady but knows nothing about SEN or mental health or the graduated response or whatever. So time is wasted having to keep trying to explain things to her.

If your school can do this there is no reason DD's can't and I will push for similar provision as suits DD.

I hope your DD continues to be happy and you find somewhere for her where she can really thrive.

Brilliant, thank you.

Thank you so much. I know I need to take a deep breath and go back into the fray!

We have a lot in common. My ex also has that mental illness. So everything is on me.

I will embrace CS and use it for DD's benefit.

Oh and when SS turned up... They'd been told my husband was a single parent struggling on his own. They actually asked if I was his "fancy piece". 😱🤦‍♀️

I pointed to the picture on the wall of us getting married about twenty years prior and the ones of me holding said child as a baby. They still didn't get it until I said no, I was the child's Mother. We all lived in the same house and I'd been married to "child's Dad" for twenty years... They then looked around our house and realised it was decent and warm, and that our child had a lovely bedroom, clean clothes and food.

Oh and the way their attitude changed when they realised DH was "Dr" and that I was a teacher was truly horrifying...

If you do need help with EHCP/Managing ASD in education etc, just ask...

His fancy piece?! Oh my goodness!

Thank you so much I will take you up on that. Honestly, I've read and researched so much but it all seems a jumble in my head. I go into a meeting confident with lots of notes and a plan of what to discuss and then the Head and Deputy just take the wind out of my sails each time.

I have ASD and I don't think I can process quick enough when all these new accusations/excuses etc. are thrown at me seemingly jumping all over the place as they won't follow an agenda with a table full of people seeming all staring at me and having no choice of where I sit meaning I find it very hard to follow and know when to speak etc. I think I will speak up for myself more and say I can't do meetings like that.

My autistic child has only recently recovered from a period of ebsa due to anxiety so i understand what you're going through. We were referred to SS disability team which was stressful at the time I was told, but turned out to be very helpful and supportive. There is much more in place outside school now e.g. funding/referral for an autism kids club.

Family circumstances should always be taken into account. As you have prebiously had mental health issues, the Dad has mental health issues and you've been on CIN a referral seems very sensible. It doesn't mean you are being blamed but that additional support for the family is more likely to be needed. Having an anxious child is very stressful. Try to see it as a good thing.

The thing that struck me reading through your comments is that there sounds like huge miscommunication on both sides. This is often the case when a child's mental wellbeing can be so dynamic as is the school environment. What sounds good on paper might not work in practise (our lovely EP plan and ASN plans are both out the window). For example missing the school trip is wrong in theory but in practise the teachers might not have felt they could keep her safe when self harming regularly. My child has missed several trips recently and I certainly wouldn't complain about it because I genuinely don't think them going would have worked or been safe.

I've spent hours at reception at points and the way I see it is it's a small price to pay to avoid being stuck longer term homeschooling. Thankfully my employer allowed me to cut hours for a while. It has worked and my child is back in school.

Experts will see different factors in a situation and come at it from different perspectives. Parents will too. Often all that works is a bit of trial and error.

What helps me with this is taking a short (e.g. half page) list of bullet points. Provide this in advance too that way it will be minuted.

I really understand as I have it too. Took me a while to realise I am entitled to reasonable adjustments at these meetings. You are too.

So things like an agenda sent in advance with all areas to be discussed and covered.

Hardcopies of everything given to you to have in meetings

A quiet place for meetings

A list of exactly who will be there

Clear clarification of things……

Whatever helps you. You are legally entitled to this. Don’t let them make you feel like shit. I doubt very much if the vast majority could cope with a nursing job alongside being a carer and advocate for an autistic child whilst managing autism themselves.

The thing is, it can be done. Yes, there are budget/resources/space restrictions, a lot of time and paperwork and multiple agencies(including SS ) involved but it can be done and everyone was in agreement that it was the best way forward.

We had a pupil like this , that massively deteriorated during COVID. There was a long term plan put in place with several steps over a period of time. First mum and child would come in, stay for a few minutes(until register closed), then go. Then mum and child in for half an hour/an hour doing activities in a quiet area of the school. Then mum was joined by a member of staff to try and build trust and a bond. Then the time slowly increased. Then mum was leaving earlier and earlier, until in the end it was just the child and the TA. In the meantime, other members of staff would pass by (this was discussed and carefully planned and the staff members carefully selected ) and make a small POSITIVE comment to the child so they would be used to other faces/people. The child didn't receive an education for a while as such, but the plan always was to make them feel safe at school to begin with. Then topic related activities were introduced, having a friend join in every now and then, always included in school trips/activities if they wanted to . It was a painstakingly slow process with a lot of time and resources involved , but it worked.

Pulling her out of school would show that the school were correct, address whatever they say u r doing wrong.

Yes, I do see your point of course. And if that was the reason the school refered - they don't know about the mental illness I don't think (but know I am autistic.).then I agree it could seem sensible. (The only reason I don't see it as sensible is because we already have so many professionals involved.) But the Head basically said I was causing all my DD's issues and was stopping her getting an education and was making a safeguarding referal. So I was definitely being blamed! Everything seems to have to be combative with them. But hopefully Children's Services will see through all that and be supportive.

She wasn't self harming at all at the time of the trip and before. The reason she couldn't go was there wasn't room on the coach for an LSA to go with her. It clearly hadn't been planned with SEN in mind. As DD was so upset at not being able to go on the trip the school told us they were going to do a fun day on the day of the trip for those who couldn't go and to talk about that as a strategy to help her feel better. But the school quietly dropped this without telling me. Then when I complained just lied about it. DD would have been absolutely fine going on the trip. I obviously wouldn't have complained in the the case that she wasn't.

Unfortunately sitting in a noisy, busy reception in front of people does not help my DD.

I agree with you trial and error is needed. Make a targeted plan with specific achievable goals and try it. Then review and keep going. I've been asking for a plan like to happen.

Minutes are never taken so I did ask to record the meeting. They said they'd record it on Teams. I'm kicking myself on not asking to record myself too as who knows if they will send me the recording.

I had some brief notes under each section of the agenda, separate more in depth information if needed and then all DD's ISPs. But the Head would not stick to the agenda and was just throwing out accusations at me, and saying the complete opposite of what she had told me in private! It was so hard to follow!

Thank you so much, that is so kind.

I will stick up for myself too!

That's ok and you're probably very tired as well.

you are not the problem, dear mother. It is just the way this world is. People are evil ( some ) and you can find them all over the place, in any work setting. Instead allowing more and more people with SEN to be supported, society wants to go back to square 1 when the times were such that people with issues were kept behind closed doors, locked away permanently, abused, raped and killed.

To this day no one has ever given account and justice to the hundreds starved to death kids in NHS mental facilities units, nor any one was brought to justice for the kids and teenage mental unit in Kent where someone was sexually abusing three times a day while on shift and when one girl challenged their behaviour, she was told to shut up and that no one will believe her because she is a mad girl in a place for mad girls.

It is honestly, a horror story and shame on the so called progressed English democracy.

What I hope from this thread is to be picked up by a Autism and human rights charity and your case to be presented in court and this headmaster, mistress? to go to jail - I hope honestly they go to jail for the hatred, abuse and false accusations they are spreading

Thank you for the support.

Oh, if you've been on a CiN before, won't social care already know a bit about your family anyway and you can just go from there?

Michael Charles - expert SEN solicitor - worth looking up on Facebook.
I also see you mentioned your child had long covid, you can get support from Long Covid Kids.

I was referred to SS 15 years ago because school refused to support DS1. Can't believe they're still getting away with this shit. You have nothing to fear OP. SS did a home visit and immediately dismissed school referral as 'malicious' - ie wanting to claim the problem was home and not school.

You need an EHCP to get a different placement. Appeal refusal to assess, appeal contents and placement. Get your own EP, SALT and OT assessments. It seems clear your school will refuse to support and may well block, insane though it sounds it does happen. Don't trust your LA. They do not have your child best interests at heart.

You are your child's best advocate.

DS1 was awarded specialist school placement but it was too late and it failed after 5 terms. He has some qualifications thanks to intervention of SOS!SEN and bespoke package of tutors, SALT, OT, psychotherapist and CAMHS but came to a grinding halt with COVID and social anxiety means he is now practically housebound. I am full time carer on CA.

DS2 had an EHCP and so had bespoke package that funded internet school throughout secondary (but I was unpaid LSA). But he now has 10 GCSEs, A level maths, further maths and physics (Astar, A, A) and has just started Masters engineering degree. There is no way he would have achieved that if he had stayed in 'brick' mainstream.

It was bloody hard work and I had to sacrifice my earning potential and ability to earn pension. But at least you see some reward. The exhaustion and stress from continual battle whilst watching your child deteriorate is soul destroying. Not to mention the personal impact on self esteem and well being of being vilified, blamed, disbelieved etc.

And yes there was a marked transition when SS realised that parents had been married for decades and were both educated to masters level - was studying for a PhD at the time and had retained my maiden name due to previous publication so school believed I was a 'fancy piece' and not the mother. Not so fond memories.

OP exactly the same thing happened to me, with them victimising a 5 year old like this and then blaming me. It's disgusting that school staff and Local Authority staff can repeatedly break the law, deny a child safe access to education, and yet it is down to the parent to have to try and enforce the law and - if they do - many school staff behave like this, gaslighting and lying about the parent. After our Head teacher's third malicious referral SS visited my house for 10 minutes, declared it was clearly a waste of their time and told the Head not to make baseless referrals and waste their time again.

The resemblance of this Head's behaviour to the one you describe is uncanny. Perhaps this playbook is what they study for CPD on INSET days? 3.5 months my 5 year old was unable to attend safely before the Head or SENCO would even have a phone call to discuss the situation. Disgraceful and so unprofessional.

In any normal profession the regulator and professional body would take legal action when such egregious and illegal behaviour is reported to them. Staff involved should be suspended pending investigation then struck off and personally fined as well as large fines being levied on the organisation. It's the only thing these types of people would understand. The education system is toxic.

Many individual class-level teachers are competent and try hard but sadly it seems the worst bullies and victims of Dunning-Kruger get promoted to management even though they are completely incompetent. And then sadly there is also a subset of more junior staff who are either naive or not very bright or suffering from ostrich syndrome (I guess it helps them sleep at night) who purportedly believe all teachers can do no wrong and join in slinging mud at any parent who tries to get the school to comply with the most basic legal requirements.

Sadly nothing will change until there is an overhaul of the whole system and these people are struck off and prevented from working in education, as they should be for deliberately breaking the law and continuing to do so even when it is explicitly brought to their attention.

Sadly, other posters are right that you'll only get anywhere with an EHCP and they will obstruct it at every stage. The entire system is a joke and to treat the most vulnerable children and their parents in such a callous manner is beyond vile. I hope you and your DD are as ok as you can be in the circumstances. It is absolutely not your fault, it is a clear pattern of behaviour as can be seen from the posts on this thread: school staff who think they know better than doctors and specialists even though it's clear they know less about autism than you'd learn in a half hour training course, it is quite astonishing, the sheer arrogance of it. They wreck children's lives with their behaviour but they do not care. But I expect SS will have seen this over and over again and if a Head is behaving like this you are very unlikely to be the first family they have done this to so SS will already know their reputation. They will have to follow up on the referral but will likely put the Head in her place as they did with ours so try not to worry.

I always remember when David Cameron was PM and had a disabled son (who sadly died)
But he said in Parliament that people will have to fight for their disabled child's rights to get the help they need.

And I remember thinking at the time Why? Why can't families just automatically get what they're entitled to without a fight?
Isn't life hard enough having disabled children as it is?

It's so bloody unfair...