To tell Children's Services it is a malicious referal from school

[UndertheCedartree]

So DD's school have today told me they are referring us to Children's Services. Ever since I made a complaint they have been trying to off roll her. They are not putting in proper support for DD leaving her struggling and then not wanting to go in the next day. Apparently this is all my fault. I feel this is just another tactic for me to be so fed up with the school I pull her out.

That would be very positive if we did have someone to advocate for us.

This is the small, quieter school and out of all the schools had the best SEN department. So I'm really gutted. My DD's ASD friends who went to the other schools are all home educated now so no where else to go.

On the flip side, you wouldn't believe the amount of parents who claim their child needs a diagnosis, or has one, and there is no other proof except their word. Some parents (and students) read stuff online, self diagnose and then expect schools to support something that isn't there. One again, the fakers are ruining it for the genuine cases.

However you clearly had assessments from other agencies so this doesn't apply. But it is perhaps why schools can be a little skeptical at times. I'm sorry that they treated you like this.

There was no "flip side" in this case. The school were provided with detailed reports from a clinical psychologist, a consultant neurdevelopmental paediatrician, a SALT, an OT, a GP, two Ofsted registered nannies, an Early Help worker and her parent (including her diagnosis report along with the various other assessments of her needs) prior to her even starting school. A meeting was also held between her specialists, me, the SENCO and the manager of her nursery before she started. There was never any question about whether she is autistic. The fact is the SENCO is not very intelligent and clearly cannot be bothered to read the reports. Or hold meetings. Or answer emails. Or return phone calls. And is dishonest, writing factually wrong, disprovable nonsense in her response to the LA's request for information for her EHCP (which I had to submit myself because she said she would then didn't. Just like she agreed support to replicate what was already in place at nursery and at home and had been proved to work, then didn't).

Then the Head denied they said they'd do things and accused me of lying. When I produced meeting minutes and witness statements proving he was wrong he then claimed they didn't have the resources to support. I pointed out that this is illegal and then suddenly he changed his mind again and now apparently she doesn't need any support and he knows better than the doctors and other specialists.

They made her so ill she said she wanted to die and stopped eating, was having panic attacks. A five year old. Then threatened me for safeguarding her and not sending her in for more of this abusive treatment. Tried to get the Council to prosecute me, but refused for over 3 months to have a phone call with the LA or me or SENDIAS or her advocate to discuss a way forward. Instead, he claimed I neglect her and made malicious referrals to SS.

These people that would treat a child in that manner really do exist and it is a stain on the education system that they remain in post even when this is reported to the authorities.

That all sounds positive, that you have some competent professionals involved.

The Dept for Education guidance for schools on absences states that schools must work with you on solutions, listen to what the parent and child are saying. That all absence for mental or physical health reasons must be recorded as authorised. And that evidence should only be requested when there is reason to doubt the reported reason, which there is not. It also states that in most cases what the parent has told them constitutes sufficient evidence. Plus the nurse has seen her. I don't think you need concern yourself with these attempts to bully you to deflect blame from the school. They have no leg to stand on here.

When they tried threatening me like this I told the LA I was glad they were investigating why the school was preventing my daughter attending safely by refusing to provide the agreed support and enquired what the next steps would be once they had reviewed the evidence and identified that the Head teacher was behaving illegally and would welcome a hearing with a magistrate where he can explain himself. I then got a letter saying they'd "decided not to take any action". I did point out that an apology was in order for the gaslighting but still not received one...

To be honest if she is in burnout she will need a period of rest and low demand before attempting any reintegration.

I don't know how you did it. When DS was that little and his SEN school started to become adversarial when he was screaming and self harming about school, I took him out. The pressure I was already feeling was immense, and it hadn't got anywhere near the level of conflict and denial you describe.

The utterly awful thing was, he was non verbal and couldn't tell me what was wrong. For years I had thought (but was unable to even make a coherent accusation because I had literally no evidence) that someone may have abused him in school. His reaction was so extreme. It was only when he went to a second special school and the same thing happened where he was slightly verbal and the school were honest with me etc that I realised it was a reaction to school itself.

I was told by the SENCO that my child couldn’t be masking because he’d be doing things like pulling his eye brows out in class and he wasn’t 🤦‍♀️
Then the EP visited and said he wasn’t doing a great job of masking at all actually it was obvious, the issue was a lack of training for staff in the classroom.

It's great the SENCO is willing to support her like that, I hope this process leads toan alternative provision where she cam happy and confident and like she fits. It's heartbreaking when they wish they could be normal. My DD has been aware she was different since she was quite young, she was diagnosed at 9 and that was a big relief for her, having a reason for how she felt, but she still feels the difference keenly. She's been through suicidal ideation and wanting to die. which was soul destroying. The world's not set up for ND kids and they can go through so much just doing normal everyday things like going to school. My DS feels its deeply unfair that he's needed to do years of speech therapy and OT and now physio. He has so much less capacity and needs to deal with so much more. Sometimes he's told me he wishes he wasn't autistic which is heartbreaking.

I’m so sorry this happened to your family 😢

I hate being that parent, my natural inclination is to fade into the background, but most of the time life and school's don't give you any alternative when your child has SEN. I do what I need to then feel mortified after. You're DD is what matters here and you're doing good by her. If the school was doing their job properly you wouldn't need to have done any of this. That's on them for not even trying to support your DD to access the education she has a right to.

I'm so, so, sorry to hear the effect on your DD. I hope things are better now?

I don't understand what these school staff hope to achieve by lying when we have the proof in black and white.

Like your experience if they find out what they are saying is illegal or reflects badly on them then they just say something else and gaslight that they ever said anything else. Again even if it is all in writing but they rely on undermining you in a meeting and making you look the crazy one in front of everyone else.

I am really concerned at her lack of sleep and that she will end up having a breakdown. But with a 12 week wait for CAMHS I don't feel like I really know what to do for the best. How long should she rest for? Should I try doing any work with her? Should I just let her lie in bed all day? And I'm finding her crying and negativity and meltdowns are getting to me. I know it's not her fault but this is tough.

@UndertheCedartree it sounds like she's in or approaching burnout. My daughter was there in June. We agreed with school (with CAMHS support after they did an initial assessment) that she was just not up to being there owing to her anxiety levels, and she spent the rest of the summer term off school. She'd got to the point where she was having panic attacks just going into school grounds. I think a lot of parents in your position have been where you are now and it sucks, especially if your school is being so unsupportive.

https://www.spectrumgaming.net/post/what-is-autistic-burnout#:~:text=Reassure%20them%20their%20life%20is,them%20to%20be%20enthusiastic%2F%20happy

Have a read of this, OP.

I honestly do not think anymore that the quieter schools are always the cherry on the cake. How do you know what the others schools employees are and you could have a very loving and caring head and all who did their best to provide space, arrangements etc for your daughter etc because may be their bigger school has the teachers, space and resource?! Why don't try actually

I spoke to all the schools and they were not interested in making any reasonable adjustments. And the space and resources was not much.

At my DD's school there was a SENCo happy to discuss reasonable adjustments, LSAs to support in class and a Learning support centre and Wellbeing room. But I didn't realise that the Head isn't particularly supportive of SEN DC if they have high needs.

Thank you for the advice @Warmwoolytights @AutismProf

100% understand if you wouldn't want to for any reason, but would you consider home educating? Many nd children thrive with it.

You might have to wait until social care do latest assessment - any news on that?

I spoke to DD's HOY about the sec 19 provision at the community garden and she was positive about it. She said she would speak to school and get back to me. She asked me to say hello to DD from her. She then emailed me to say they were in agreement with it and would tell the school nurse. Perfectly polite and friendly conversation as always with her.

I looked on the website and a parent can make the referal to the group so I have done it.

Then I had a call from Children's Services. I remained calm and friendly but had so much to say and she was cutting in to ask more direct questions. I hope I didn't come over defensive. She told me the referal said they were worried about DD's attachment to me and that my behaviour in meetings was erratic. She asked my permission to speak to Health for myself and DD which I was fine with and asked to speak to school - I asked who would she speak to - she said the safeguarding lead - this is the deputy head (Head's Minion) so I said I wasn't happy for her to speak to her but there was lots of other staff I would be fine with her talking to. I don't know if that was the right thing to say! We agreed to speak again tomorrow when she would have more time and hopefully now I have a bit of time to think about what is best to say. I'm fine to say that I cried at the end of the meeting and have got tearful at other times too. When I've had 2 hours sleep due to my DC's sleep disturbance, meltdowns all morning and the battle to get into school, then I can definitely get emotional! I also definitely raised my voice at the meeting as it was the only way to get a word in edge ways and try and allow other people to speak! Maybe I've shot myself in the foot.

I home educated my eldest til he went to college at 14. It was lovely but very hard work and harder when I went back to work. I'm not particularly keen to do it again especially as I'm now a single mum and I feel I don't have the energy for it. However, if necessary yes, I would.

Social care phoned me late afternoon for a quick chat and we are speaking more tomorrow afternoon.

Me too. It's horrible and then you get reported to Children's Services for it! Parents of SEN children can't win.

I've read it through now and it's so helpful. It gives me a plan to follow so I don't feel completely lost!

It's good that you've been honest with her. I think a meeting in person is good if she wants to visit you and DD at home. The social worker who got involved after our school referred to them spent ten minutes here and had a cup of tea (she said usually we decline, but here I think it will be fine!) and when she saw my happy children andthe fridge stuffed with food and their trampoline and swings and climbing frame and all of their toys and craft boxes and lego and holiday photos and talked to them with them saying how much they love home and showing her their bedrooms and talking about all of their extracurricular activities etc, and DD picking her a bunch of flowers from the garden, she very quickly said "lovely as this has been, I have to go and see some other children now" and told the Head not to waste their time again because they have at-risk children to see.

What makes me angry is that say I didn't happen to have a good job so I can provide a a lovely 4 bedroom house and pay for OFSTED registered nannies for wrap around/ school holidays (my children can't cope with group childcare on top of school so I have to pay £3k per month childcare costs plus my mortgage), what then? What about the lone parent who is just as much of a loving parent as me but doesn't have the nannies etc who see the children's home life to back up what they are telling SS when such malicious referrals about "neglect" are made by a school wanting the blame the parent when they have traumatised the child?

But in our case, her visiting us really helped because she could see immediately how totally ridiculous the Head's claims were. Yeah, this neglectful parent who can't be bothered to send her to school but whose son is still attending every day, very mysterious. Who pays for private operations etc because the NHS may as well not exist. Clearly I don't care for her at all...

No apology from the idiotic Head though, still, of course. No modelling of appropriate behaviour to children, and admitting when you have made a huge mistake. All just misogynistic assumptions about their life because I'm a lone parent. He asked me which floor our flat is on. Nothing wrong with living in a flat but why assume we do? Because I'm a lone parent. He said how hard their life must be with me struggling on benefits and if I need help with benefit applications. Clueless that I am an economist and chartered accountant and earn far more than him. These idiots really do exist and think that their prejudices and stereotypes trump medical evidence.

I don't think you're wrong to show emotion. You are not a robot. But I would keep all communication factual and just call out the gaslighting, in writing, every single time it happens. Muster your rage at what they've done to your DD and channel it into cool, calm but absolutely firm refusal to accept any more bullshit. Being autistic we have had a lifetime of conditioning of trying to "fit in" and people please and they will use this against you and manipulate you, knowing that you will take what they say at face value. Then deny is later, as you said. It's completely exhausting, I really feel for you. And the prospect of another ten years or so of this fills me with absolute dread.

I also downloaded a call recording app that transcribes conversations. Every time I speak to LA/ school by phone I use this now and tell them at the start of the call it is being used to take minutes so nobody has to write them up. That way they have been informed and cannot reasonably object, and their little game of denial cannot continue.

It really is a shambles to have to treat people who are meant to be professionals in this way but they have forced you into this situation and it sounds like you've been nothing but reasonable and constructive so you do have to fight for her and not be embarrassed to do so. She is so lucky to have a parent who understands and protects her, unlike many of us who are not autistic adults when we were growing up.

It's just a shame that education is still littered with so many discriminatory, ignorant and vindictive people. To call you erratic for being emotional watching discrimination harming your child? What planet are they on? Do they not realise autistic children grow up into autistic adults, who ALSO need reasonable adjustments? Explicitly make this point to them. Gaslighting you, lying and moving the goalposts continually is the opposite of that. Don't forget that they are required by law to make reasonable adjustments as well for how they interact with you as DD's parent.

My DD is a little better now, thanks for asking. She is back in school and obnoxious Head has been removed from the situation, though sadly not from the school. But the school is still obstructing her EHCP. SENCO still refusing to communicate but they were eventually forced by a senior member of Council staff to implement provision for her to at least be able to attend safely again. Those 3 months she was off were hell though. I am a lone parent so have to work, and have no childcare in school hours. They refused to provide work for her so I had to look up the curriculum myself, home school her in the daytime and do my full time job at night and sleep 1-2 hrs per day, with her getting increasingly distressed because they refused to even talk about solutions.

I honestly don't know these people sleep at night.

Sorry for all the typos, totally exhausted but still intelligible, I hope!

I hate being that parent, my natural inclination is to fade into the background, but most of the time life and school's don't give you any alternative when your child has SEN. I do what I need to then feel mortified after. You're DD is what matters here and you're doing good by her. If the school was doing their job properly you wouldn't need to have done any of this. That's on them for not even trying to support your DD to access the education she has a right to.

Absolutely agree with this excellent post from @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness