AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Yanbu and this is what my husband did. He stayed all six nights after my c section. There was no way I could look after baby on my own and the midwives are short staffed especially at night time. I couldn’t move and couldn’t stand for ages and tried to change baby’s nappy on day 2 and fainted! I don’t know what I’d have been like without my husband there but it would’ve been a whole lot harder.

For an elective, there's no reason he can't plan ahead and get plenty of rest in advance. If you're in a private room, I would absolutely be expecting him to stay with-- you'll need the support especially as midwives are completely overstretched. I had a CS and needed a LOT of help after.

It depends on the trust. Our trust allow partners to stay over and 99% of them do. They sleep in the reclining chairs.

@Netball01 private room or not I think YABU. The nurses will be there and will be a lot more useful than your DP.

He'll be knackered after a shit nights sleep and probably crabby (as you probably will be) therefore he'll not much use the following day when you are likely to need him more.

Baby 1: Out before the night so non issue.

Babies 2 & 3: I sent him home. Other kids to think about … better if he’s rested. Etc. Actually wanted some time alone to process it all. Let him go, OP.

I had a section, would not have managed without DH there. For a start you have a catheter in for a few hours, then the first few times getting up and down are really painful. Getting up alone was not an option. Pressing the buzzer was hit and miss- there just aren’t enough HCAs and midwives to go around. I think I had one nappy changed by a midwife when DH rushed home to feed the dog.
It is major abdominal surgery. Send him a couple of videos of a c section.

Op I've sort of said this a while back but sometimes men don't really get it until they are in the situation. If you have a bad time and are struggling then if he loves you he won't want to leave, but might not really understand why you want him to stay beforehand.x

I got zero care overnight from the staff despite having pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I was in no fit state to look after myself never mind a newborn baby.

YANBU OP I would suggest following your gut and coming to a decision with your husband on this, and taking some of these responses with a pinch of salt! Many seem to foster an attitude of I had it so hard and so should you, even going as far as calling you dramatic. Having nearly died in childbirth myself, this isn’t my idea of drama. Not meaning to be frightening as your birth will be very controlled, but I also had a bad reaction to the spinal tap in my c section second birth, and my husbands support overnight was absolutely amazing. To explain:

My first birth was in Covid - nearly died and my husband was sent away after us obviously both being traumatised. I am still in rehabilitation for injuries physically let alone the mental strain. Following this I rang the buzzer all night and nobody came. Literally could hardly stand after very extreme blood loss and severe tearing - alone - hell on earth. Would have done anything to have my husband there, not really for me but for my baby to help her, and as an advocate, as they are sometimes very much needed in these situations.

Second birth I chose a different hospital (both in Yorkshire), and had a c section. The experience was amazing in the postnatal ward, solely because they allowed all men to stay on the ward. It was my husband who helped me up for my first walk, who put baby on me, and what a beautiful moment to be together for? They all roughed it in armchairs but not one woman was on her own, and even though the midwives were lovely, they honestly didn’t have capacity to care for the women and/or babies so the DHs really took on this role. And when I say roughing it, let’s be honest they haven’t spent nearly a year growing a baby and then giving birth, so if they don’t have the best nights sleep they’ll still feel pretty grand compared to you…!

Obviously totally respect some people prefer otherwise and get that much needed good nights rest, which is great, but do what is right for you! Good luck with your new baby, enjoy it all and treasure those first few months!

Honestly, this is so specific to your circumstances and preferences no one can advise. Your H will make the right decision at the time I am sure.

All the best for you and your baby.

I’m going to be sending my partner home if I have to stay in for any reason!! No point both of us being uncomfortable and not sleeping, I’d be far happier knowing he’d got some rest and was returning refreshed to pick us both up!

My ex dh wasn’t allowed to stay after my section…I even (amazingly) had my own room. You just have to cope, I used my buzzer a lot and had to lie down for about 6 hours after my section so the midwives just handed my ds to me and if he cried I just had to buzz

Our local hospital got a new maternity a few years ago. Every mum has their own room they stay in the same room they gave birth in. There's also a pull down bed for dads to stay as well as en suite bathrooms.

Yes I'll admit that does sound very passive aggressive and a little out of touch. Apologies to OP that was not my intention.

I do think partners should be able to stay if there are private rooms. However on a general bay ward no because of the vulnerability post birth. My experience wasn't as great during covid than my first birth I'll admit. As soon as I could feel my feet again I was up and about as best as I could. Two women opposite me were first time mums post caesarean. During the two hour visiting time neither of their partners helped them at all. They both walked around shouting into their phones. Didn't offer to watch babies so mum could sleep or help with personal care etc. After visiting time I filled up their water jugs, helped change a nappy and give a hug to one of them. She was in absolute bits. My husband wasn't able to visit as we were shielding so yes I absolutely had to do it alone. However that did mean when he picked us up rested that everything was taken care of that needed to be.

Its tough but men dont usually stay overnight.

Why on earth, given the opportunity to be with you, wouldn't he want to? Is he generally selfish?

I had to stay the night with my second. No C-section, just a lot of blood loss. DH couldn't stay and was so upset. DS1 was home and safe having a sleepover with my sister and her kids. I couldn't sleep on the ward because it was loud, and he stayed up all night on the phone to me (quietly. We didn't join the chaos of shrieking phone conversations.).

I'd be so upset if he had turned down staying in a private room with me when it was expected and no reason to stay home.

Bernadinetta · Today 18:00

"Some really horrible women on this thread"

There certainly are .

I've read the OP. I can see you are having a c section, everyone has a private room and partners are encouraged to stay but I can't see if you have said he will be provided with his own bed. If the answer to that is no, I think you are being unreasonable wanting him to stay over. He has a point that there is no point 2 of you being tired and unrested. I do get that it is miserable being there on your own, especially after surgery, but the midwives are there to help you and if they have recently had a bad report, you would think they would be trying harder to improve their performance.

Our hospital is all private rooms too, with a bed provided for husbands. I’d not have coped without my husband there overnight - the shock of having a new baby meant I needed more emotional support than physical!

@Netball01

I think only you and your husband will know if you’re being unreasonable. As you said, it’s a controversial subject on here - one which I’ve been berated for previously for daring to suggest my partner stay with me after I’d had a section under GA and could barely hold my baby. In the end I managed fine, midwives took baby for a few hours so I could get some rest, partner went home and was well rested the next day so more use than us both being exhausted. You will probably be okay but I don’t think you’re BU to ask your husband to stay with you at all. Ignore the spiteful comments on here. It’s honestly saddening to see women so dismissive of other women. Good luck with your section and baby - hope all goes well!

My husband would stay and I’d be pretty disappointed if he didn’t want to tbh!

@Netball01 I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.

Surgery is hard going, but a shitty night in a hospital chair is also hard going. I wouldn't wanna do either given a choice.

However, if the hospital is all private rooms then they must have buzzers to reach the nurses station, to not have would be massively risky should anything go wrong.

Also, given the number of checks that are done after birth you are unlikely to go more than 90 minutes without a nurse or a HCA popping in to take temps, check blood pressure or check baby especially following a c-section. They know movement will be a struggle so they will look after you!

By the time they were ready to move me out of the labour suite it was about 1am and honestly even if ex could have stayed I definitely didn't want him there fussing. I just wanted to sleep!

I would probably try not to sweat it too much til the day. You both may feel very differently when the time comes.