AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

You roll to your side and push yourself up to sitting to get up. Have slippers right there to step into.
Nurses will check on you because you'll just have had major surgery, so they will respond to your call.
Ask for any help needed and don't be shy or embarrassed. I was kindly assisted to stand up and get to toilet, nurse helped change my pads and changed baby for me while I used toilet. Nurse handed me baby for feeding, checked I had water and brought water or juice if I asked as well as snacks (there was yoghurt and toast if I wanted). Having said that, check if you will have a mini fridge in the room (I did) and bring snacks. I was starving after surgery and had yoghurt I preferred, a few pastries, package of dark choc digestives, a large Lindt bar and ready to eat berries/melon.

Having said all that, there is no way to know how you or baby will be. Likely you both will be fine, but it amazes that your partner doesn't want to be there to support you both. Baby needs skin to skin and your partner can hold baby while you sleep, toilet, eat, get examined by nurse/surgeon; partner can change baby as well. Yes, you can do it on your own. I did twice. But ffs, what is a partnership if not for helping each other? Honestly, you shouldn't have to ask. 🚩
(and you can akways sed partner home if you are comfortable)

unless you have your own room, all the other women on the ward have to put up with strange blokes hanging around?

It's mumsnet- you will get the man haters on here.

If you want your husband there, you want him there- and that's all there is to it!

I've not had a CS, so have no idea what recovering from one is like- but if it limits your movement, making it hard for you to pick up your baby, then him being there would be a help.

Especially as you have a private room.

When I was trying to establish BF in hospital,{years ago} a horrid partner of the woman in the bed opposite was staring and staring - with almost drool coming out of his mouth - he really was a creep.

The other women found him off-putting.

Good luck with your CS !

It depends on the time of the CS. If you are already able to stand then I'd say send him home to sleep. The night they are born seems to be the only night a baby actually sleeps! I couldn't stand as I can't have a lot of standard pain meds but my husband couldn't stay (ds at home). I think I only rang for the nurse twice and they were great. I actually think they are much more helpful if your partner isn't there. I had a private room which I paid for due to previous experience of the ward!

As is clearly stated in the OP, last paragraph right there ar the beginning of the thread, and mentioned numerous times since then, "everyone has their own private room at my hospital"

Agreed & honestly I wish I’d never posted as I’m now feeling incredibly shit about myself.

I’m a first time mum who’s not really had any exposure to hospitals aside from visiting relatives & I’m really nervous about it. Added to that our hospital has a bad CQC rating & all the articles that came out this week about poor maternity care has made me even more worried about what my experience will be like. And my husband is more concerned about getting a good nights sleep.

All I was looking for was a bit of support, instead I’ve been piled on by posters, half of whom haven’t even read my post properly and called a controlling drama queen who can’t cope without a man. Amazing for all these super mums who breezed through it and didn’t need support but that’s not how I’m feeling but some women seem to feel because they had it tough so should we all.

I don’t see how it’s unreasonable to want your partner to stay with you when you have the option to in a private suite. I’m sure he can manage one night at least!!

I had a difficult birth and was quite traumatised left on a ward with many others, without my partner I was feeling incredibly vulnerable and then with midwives that seemed to constantly forget about me with being overstretched I received minimal help.
However, I will say a woman that had a C-section opposite me received a lot of care from midwives, so maybe your experience would hopefully be different.

OP has explained numerous times that she has a private room 👍

The "let him go home and get a good night's rest" comments are cracking me up. It's op, who's just grown a baby for 9 months and been through major surgery birthing the child who needs the rest most not her dp ffs! I've never had a section and had the quickest births all under less than one hour ten mins so I don't have experience of your situation, but if you want him to stay to support you, there shouldn't even be any debate.

I think he should stay as you may need more physical assistance than the staff can provide.

Not sure why we’re too concerned about a man getting a good night’s sleep when the woman’s just had major surgery and there’s a new born baby to care for.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having him there, especially as you have a private room.
Even on a ward, go ahead. Mine stayed with me overnight on the postnatal ward, every other woman apart from one had their husband/partner stay too. The only issue was the woman who had her mum instead - they talked loudly, non-stop, from when she arrived at 2am. Mum wasn't paying attention and fell through the curtains into my bay. None of the dads causes any issues whatsoever.

Definitely ask your husband to support you especially if it's encouraged by the hospital.

The truth is that you are likely to be in some pain and will be glad to have a bit of help.

I will never get over how I had a CS in the midst of Covid when partners we're not allowed to stay and it made a crap birth experience way way worse. The ward was understaffed and midwives rushed and unpleasant. I never felt so alone.

And I think it will be a good opportunity for your DH to face new reality of parenthood... the inevitable discomfort, sleep deprivation, sacrifice and utter shock to the system. You'll have all this plus the stitches, so he should really suck it up!

Good luck 🍀

It's not for him that I'd be letting him get the good nights rest, it's most definitely for me so that when I get home he is ready to be at my every beck and call and can get the house the way I've requested 😅

So because your dh couldn't be there, everyone should suffer the same? Are you on drugs?? You think someone getting something you didn't get is unfair?

My God you sound quite peculiar.

Given you know this, I would say he should stay. My husband stayed all nine days we were admitted and, although he was extremely relieved to sleep in a bed when we got home, he never wanted to leave. I actually suggested it to him one night about a week in because he was clearly uncomfortable and getting broken sleep but he was adamant he wanted to be there to help. Our daughter was actually in the NICU so he didn't have to help with her but he did help me and obviously go to sit with her etc.

I can laugh about it now, but yes, luckily at the time I was too tired to react!
I'm not sure what was going on, but she seemed to be pottering about most of the time, then suddenly came backwards through the curtain, gave us a funny look, then went back to her daughter. 😅

Same here.
My husband went home and the midwives were disgruntled as I couldn't move to do anything

I had an emergency c-section and I wish DH had stayed. The nurses sent him home but were then absolutely shit to me the whole night. I was in pain, they didn’t respond to the buzzer, they refused to hold screaming DD so that I could sleep for just 20 mins even though I was so tired I was scared I would drop her and the other mums on the ward were yelling “can’t you make her shut up” at me. I ended up texting him in the early hours begging him to come back and quite frankly I should never have allowed the nurses to send him home.

let him go home and sleep and he will be more use the next night when you are home. It seems daft to have you both sleeping poorly. We became a tag team the first few months. I don’t think any dads stayed on my ward

I asked my husband to stay. The idea of being solely left in charge of this precious being all by myself was frankly terrifying. Obviously I soon got past that but it was very comforting to have him there that first night. I was really scared to stand up because of the blood and feeling a bit faint so having him there was really invaluable. We paid for the private room and he had a chair that folded down into a fairly comfortable bed. Don’t feel bad about asking him to stay. Not many do it but you have to do what’s right for you and I’d imagine C section recovery is very difficult

I am appalled that women would tell other women that after they have had their abdomen sliced open, they should just cope and get up and pick up a baby and feed it.

What the hell is wrong with people.

The ones saying the midwives will help will they hell some of them take the buzzer away and put out it of reach and if you’ve had a section yiur screwed and as op has said the hospital isn’t a good one either.

I had a section and was left my ex didn’t stay and the nurses care was crap as they where understaffed, but one nurse took the buzzer away and said I was being a drama Queen and I can get up and get the baby myself. I then discovered they where switching the buzzer of at the station or just ignoring them. I reported it as I was disgusted with their attitude. I got my aunt to come in instead as I needed that support and help. Ex was useless hence being an ex in part.

I’d be telling him it’s not up for debate he’s staying to support you if not him ask someone else you’re close to as even ELC can be hard on the body.