AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Partners arent encouraged to stay just because its a private room! there is no bed in there for them to sleep on so your wanting him to try sleep on a uncomfortable chair? He will be moody and knackered the next day an no help at all best thing he does is go home later on for a decent few hours sleep.

In an NHS on the brink of collapse.

Husbands can stay overnight??? Since when?!?

I had two babies in NICU so neither of us stayed overnight. Well I had a catastrophic event so don’t remember over a year of my first child’s life. But my husband couldn’t stay overnight.

My first couple of nights in hospital were amazing, I got to bond and started to get to know my little one and feel through the first moments of being a mother. I also had an amazing woman who came in to support BF and talked to me about attachment parenting. It was special and set me off on a great parenting path. I don’t think it would have been the same with my partner there.

It's not that we can't cope it's that we're at our most vulnerable after birth ESPECIALLY after a caesarean. They are there to support and help us because they're our partners and the babies father. They should WANT to stay and help us. At that time in our lives after MAJOR surgery it's when we need it most. It's not just male partners it is partners in general! If you don't have a partner who can help you then maybe you would want a parent to stay. You may be some kind of superwoman but lots of us need the help and support that soon after birth. 🙄 I think of myself as quite an independent woman but after my EMC my DH was a godsend!

Not trying to be funny but what do you think we all did during covid when partners weren't allowed to stay more than two hours after the birth?

If your hospital has shared bays there is nothing worse than loud partners shouting into their phones and stomping backwards and forwards all night. Let alone the lack of privacy even with curtains around the bed shut it's still intimidating knowing there is a man on the other side whilst you are trying to establish feeding or bleeding everywhere. If your hospital is all private rooms then crack on.

Fathers are much more helpful after sleep in their own bed in all honesty. That first night at home being able to pass baby to dad to walk up and down the landing in the middle of the night is priceless.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable at all!! You’re the one growing the baby and having major abdominal surgery, if you want your husband to stay he should absolutely be there to support you!

Of course rationally it probably makes sense for him to get a full nights sleep at home but a single night of sleep will not make any difference in the whole scheme of sleepless nights with a baby.

I had a natural birth but DH literally was told to leave the minute I went to the post natal ward .

Fuck me. She wants her "partner" and the father of her child with her after having surgery. Could she cope without a man? Absolutely. Should she have to cope because he wants a good night's sleep rather than actually being a partner and a parent? Absolutely, fucking NOT.

My partner wasn't allowed to stay overnight he had to go home then back in again as soon as he was allowed.

I was terrified but honestly that first night and just sitting there with my baby girl is true core memories for me and was so special

Op I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Birth can be traumatic and I’d of loved my partner to be able to stay over. I’d of felt abit safer. So I understand where your coming from.

no it’s not unreasonable to want your partner to help you after major surgery and the birth of your child. ❤️

Nope. It's that women shouldn't have to cope alone if there's a man who could put himself out to help her. Being able to do something alone doesn't mean you should have to do it alone if it could be made easier for you.

Oh give over, let him go home and have a good night's sleep, why do you need him there. Ask the nurses for help.
I find this a bit dramatic to be honest.

I agree that I would prefer my OH to go home and get rest for when we get home but don't understand why you had to say your first paragraph? Surely after going through that you would be advocating that partners be allowed to stay as long as is needed! Or is it that you had a shit time so everyone should? Bizarre attitude!

Pathetic.

The fact that we had to go through it in the past (whether because of covid or just because hospitals were strict on partners not staying years ago) is not a good reason for women not to get the support they need from their partners now.

And the OP has already made it clear it’s private rooms.

I'll say it again:

'It's like a badge of honour on here to do things as miserably as possible and say you 'coped'.'

The amount of bitterness, hostility and derision on this thread to a woman expecting her first child is fucking shameful. We talk about how men hate women but this just shows much women hate each other too. Truly depressing.

Good luck with your baby, OP, I hope it all goes well for you

He can't envisage what it is going to be like and is likely a bit scared so is doing that thing of 'it's all fine'. I think wait until the birth. Then you will know how the care is, room set up, etc. if there is a sensible bed for him then let him stay if your mobility is not great. I know when I first gave birth, the night time was long. I was full of hormones and didn't sleep. I landed up comforting a young lass who had had a ceasarian whose DH had been sent home as she'd never had an operation before and was feeling utterly bewildered (think it had been an emergency one). I had the midwife from hell who was awful to me when my son wouldn't feed. I really wanted my husband but the other women on the ward got me through. When he sees his gorgeous vulnerable baby and sees what you have been through, I think the enormity will get to him and he may well stay. Likewise, if you have your baby first thing, by evening, you may be ok. Just wait and see.

“Husbands can stay overnight??? Since when?!?

at least 9 years at my hospital. Everyone had partners with them- it was unusual not to. Now different hospitals may well have different set-ups but it has been the norm at mine for nearly a decade and probably more.

Mumsnet is weird about men staying in hospitals after birth. I had 3 sections and absolutely needed DH there. Nurses are not responsive. I was not mobile and I needed his support. We were on the ward twice and in a private room once. He stayed all three times and slept on chairs Never complained at all and was invaluable getting me food, holding the baby, helping me up as a gradually became more mobile.

If you want him there that is all that matters. It is unbelievably crap that he is not just going with whatever you feel you need from him at such a vulnerable time for you.

If it’s a hospital in south west Cumbria with an appalling CQC report (all individual rooms) I’d insist he stayed if it were me.

The aftercare was dismal at best - I needed help sitting, standing, picking up my baby etc and no one answered a single buzzer for hours at a time. *it was a Covid lockdown, but seriously no excuse. My husband wasn’t allowed to stay!

I insisted on being discharged less than 24hrs after birth. I was better off at home.

I would want my oh to stay so I’m totally with you. This is one of the main reasons I opted for a home birth (I know this isn’t an option for you) but YANBU x

I had a normal birth but stayed in one night with my first. Husbands weren’t allowed to stay, but mine would’ve jumped at the chance as he hated leaving us.

Having said that, it would’ve meant neither of us got any sleep so he was much better off at home getting some rest. If you need help, OP, the staff will come to you.

YANBU. If you want your partner to stay and you have a private room he should be staying. Your desires trump his right now. Why is he so desperate to not stay? Having said that, though my circumstances were different (3 babies, natural deliveries, on a ward) some of my fondest memories are of just me and baby in those hazy hours after they were born just laying with them and sending photos/answering calls. My DH would of cramped my postpartum style 😆

I’m strongly against men staying overnight on the wards but if you have a private room and it’s ok with the hospital, he should do what you request.