AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

They're in a private room, no one will even know he is in the hospital. Everyone else is also in their private room with the door shut. He won't be bothering anyone and almost everyone will have someone stay

Maybe people commenting should add whether they have given birth in the last few years (and specifically, post-pandemic and the resultant impact on the NHS) and whether it was in a hospital which actively encourages partners.

I am not sure experiences from 10+ years ago or from NHS trusts with an entirely different approach to the running of postnatal wards are going to be particularly helpful or persuasive to OP.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 this one. I had twins at 43, c-section and first children. I was discharged 26 hours after they were born. Didn’t get much care, the noise and heat was driving me insane. The lights were constantly being switched on and off. No one would shut the fuck up so little sleep over night. Person in the bed opposite thought a 6am face time was a great idea (no one else in the ward did!)

I wouldn't have been able
To pick up my baby Alone on my first night especially as my c section was early evening so I was in recovery until very late.
It would be better if he stayed with you I. The night then went home to sleep early morning and the midwives can take over caring for you then - if you're ok to go home the next day he can come back after sleeping al morning

I don't think it's unreasonable to want partner to stay overnight and help. I feel like a lot of the comments are based on the expectations of the standards that the husband goes home due to hospital constraints and that becomes the norm.

If you have a private room with a pull out bed and especially if this is your first, I think it's a great idea. Even without CS you are probably tired, swollen and got stitches. I didn't really want to move around much after natural birth. Having husband to hand things like phone, water, ice pack, check the baby, swaddle the baby, change nappies, prepare bottle etc. is amazing help. You carried the baby for all that time, it's just one night of sacrifice for him. Just make sure someone who's not tied is driving you guys home.

My husband stayed with me for 5 nights and he enjoyed it himself as he attended classes and got to be part of the journey of bonding with our baby.

Did it make you feel good about yourself posting this ?!? What a nasty woman you are - you don’t know anything about me so how dare you make assumptions

Absolutely not unreasonable. If you'd be happier with DH with you, that is definitely what should happen. It is your experience and so it is your decision.
When I had surgery snd a single room after, the nurses brought a camp bed in for my DH. He said he"d happily sleep in a chair, but thanks to kind and understanding staff, he got a better night's sleep than I did. He was far less stressed too, knowing I was ok and that he was there if I needed him.
So don't be swayed by others. If it's right for you, go for it.

If you have your own room, then you are either at a private hospital or a cottage hospital maternity unit - either way the nurses and midwives will
definitely answer the call button immediately and will also more than likely help you with your baby when it cries in the night. I stayed in a cottage hospital after giving birth the first time and it was a lovely 3 days. There was an extra pull out bed in my room, but my husband went home to sleep. We had a dog at home, and also just it seemed totally unnecessary for him to be there at night as well. But I’m quite independent, and prefer to crack on. I was going to stay there again when I had our second but then I thought I’d rather just get home to our toddler.

I would leave it up to your husband - if he wants to stay then let him, but no point you both suffering through a sleepless night really - you’ll have plenty of those once you get home! The other thing is the first night most babies sleep really well, just to lull you into a false sense of security….the second night is often very different.

When I was in hospital with my first I had my own room (NHS hospital) and they still said spouses HAD to go home at night, it was 10.00 or 10.30 they had to leave. It didn’t matter you had your own room, no spouses on ward at all overnight. Are you even sure they’d allow him to stay?

@EI12 Overnight? In what mad world does a woman not stay in hospital for at least 5 nights after a CS?

As per nhs guidelines hospitals aim to discharge after 24 with a c section and 6 hours after a vaginal birth, unless serious complications. It hasn’t been days after a c section for literal decades.

This comment just shows how many people have absolutely no idea what maternity hospitals are like now.

And you sound very patronizing and nasty

Good god the women here are nuts. Abdominal surgery. Responsibility for newborn. Low staff ratio. Zero money for patient care. Private room. = husband can do his part nursing wife and new baby.

I’m not. I’m being realistic.
I am also very clear, this is a team event. Her DH being fresh for next few days of her recovery is paramount. Two overtired parents won’t help her recovery. Get him rested and advocating for her and looking after her at home ASAP. He is fresher, having got some sleep and ready to pick up the care. Meanwhile the nurses at the hospital are literally employed to help her through this first stage in hospital and strangely thousands of us every day managed with our amazing nurses supporting us. If they had to deal with a queue of tired birth partners trying to get a paracetamol for their tired new mums at the nurses station all night nothing would get done and then buzzers really would get missed.

Except the staff are overrun - and the hospital allows it. Probably spiteful people on here. Really nasty.

He should stay if that's what you want, especially if you have your own room. He can manage sleeping in a chair for one bloody night.

Having a baby, especially your first can be a head fuck. I didn't want to be alone the first night I had both of my kids - there's so much emotion and you need the support. I had my first during the pandemic, and my husband couldn't be on the ward. It was fucking awful. I felt so alone and it was the worst night of my life. You could hear women crying in the other beds.

Physically, you will need him if you've had a C-section.

@Meltdown247 out of interest when did you last give birth? I wouldn’t have said the staff on the postnatal ward were particularly supportive or helpful. Also they were most definitely midwives!

Maybe OP’s hospital has just got with the programme that maternity wards are unhelpful and archaic? Rather than being private (lm guessing she would have mentioned that!) or cottage. On the day of my failed c-section (there were no neonatal beds in the entire county so after hours of nil by mouth it was called off 🙄), then there were 10 women including me, 1 woman had already had twin boys and l was having twins. So that would have been 10 women and 12 babies. Thats a lot of women and babies in a relatively small space

I know from experience that you will be exhausted - sleeping/feeding on repeat, and then sent home pretty quickly. You will have NO time for him, so what's the point in him being there?

@Meltdown247 If they had to deal with a queue of tired birth partners trying to get a paracetamol for their tired new mums at the nurses station all night nothing would get done and then buzzers really would get missed.

What difference is it to a nurse’s work load if it’s the mother or the partner asking for pain relief?

Or are you suggesting pain relief after birth isn’t an appropriate task for the medical staff?

Might be employed to do it. Doesn’t mean there will be enough of them to do it

The Hospital have said we need to bring in our own pain relief !!!

It’s amazing that the NHS maternity system has not just fallen apart completely without all these birth partners on 24 hours surveillance queuing at the nurses station in case the buzzer is not instantly responded to. It still requires a trained medical professional to medicate a patient, unless we are now advocating for patients to bring their own drugs to hospital as well as a friend to sit by their bed.

@Meltdown247 I’ve been told to bring my own pain relief!