AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Sorry @3ormoredogs I was 100% agreeing with you and replying (incorrectly) to @ynyvrcedyum. My husband also stayed with me both times and I would have had an awful experience without him there.

I was confused for a second 😄

I couldn’t agree more. My husband stayed for all 3 of mine. I could barely move for my first, he literally did everything for me! I was suffering a bit of shock I think and didn’t even want to hold the baby. I wouldn’t have been fine left alone and the midwives didn’t have time.

By DC3 I barely saw a midwife except for the 6 mins the birth took. Other than that it was just DH and I. I would have hated just being left by myself.

I also was in a hospital with only private rooms and didn’t see a single other woman other than staff. They all had a private toilet and shower too. Even so, what men are going to be interested in a bunch of postpartum women probably with husbands their of their own when they have their own new family to deal with. Feels like a lot of drama about not much.

So how will the OP manage over the next however many months if her DH can’t possibly drive after one night of broken sleep? It’s too much for him but she just needs to get on with it?

Did you have a section? I definitely had obs done during the night after both my sections in the last 2.5 years. Not hourly but at least a few during the night.

Picking up the slack?

He's not picking up any slack, he's the DAD. The least he can do is show his face after his wife has literally been physically cut open, pumped full of drugs and anaesthetics, and had an actual human being removed from her body.

Honestly the standards for expecting men to do anything on this thread are Handmaid's Tale style low. I'm surprised no one's told the OP to do it all alone then pop out to make a sandwich for her DH straight after so the poor love doesn't go hungry by lunch.

Personally I sent my partner home to get a full nights sleep but that’s only because I felt ok about him leaving and confident with baby. If you want him there I think it’s completely reasonable to ask him to stay to support you. Childbirth is intense whether it’s VBAC or CS and it’s not unreasonable to want your partner to stay for physical and emotional support. Being in a private room makes it easier (lucky you!) but I was on a ward where some partners stayed the night and it was fine. I was more focussed on my baby than what was going on around me. Some of the other women definitely benefited from their partners being there. I’d like to think my partner would be empathetic with what I’d just been through and put up with one night of potentially uncomfortable sleep if I needed him.

I had an unplanned c section and unfortunately my husband had to leave after 1 hour (Covid times). I would have liked for him to stay as I was unable to get out of bed for 24 hours ( was completely out of it and don’t remember the first whole day). Everyone on my ward who had a c section was in bed for 12 hours at least with a catheter so couldn’t do anything for their babies so I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for your partner to stay.

First child, no one could stay. Second, you could! However, my 3 day stay was hideous due to inconsiderate partners 🤬 and spoke to midwives as I was leaving about how bad it actually was and they agreed.
having your own room will be a godsend, do they have beds to sleep in? If not, I’d actually encourage him to go home so he can actually sleep and do the graft whilst you do when he comes back in. My hubby did this, he went home late (12ish) and was back in around 8am with extra breakfast for me 😂. I slept if I needed to and he cared for baby most of the day. It worked well so it is something to consider 🙂

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing what are you talking about?

@Pandasnacks I do know what a private room is but I didn't read that far and I didn't know a hospital with so many private rooms existed.

You are not at all being unreasonable. You are already saying you’re worried about coping after a c-section, so his attitude is adding extra anxiety. It is literally his job to support you and all he’s thinking about is himself. Heaven forbid he has a crappy night’s sleep after you’ve gone through childbirth. Honestly, yuck. Your body will have just gone through something more taxing than he could ever imagine going through, but instead of being around to soothe or settle the baby in the night while YOU sleep, he is thinking of himself. I’m angry on your behalf, honestly.

You might be in a hospital but in the middle of the night you are alone. Yes, if there’s an emergency there are nurses and doctors around to deal with that, but no one’s going to be there to help you settle your child or move or any of these other things.

The quicker you get moving the quicker you will heal. Let DH have a good nights sleep and hopefully you will get some rest too. No need for him to be there all night.

YANBU. I had an ELCS earlier this year in a hospital that does allow partners to stay overnight and it made all the difference. The midwives were very busy and my husband was able to take care of everything none medical I needed for example picking the baby up, getting food and drink for me and I felt 1000 times more relaxed knowing he was there by my side ready to advocate for me if anything were to go wrong. Yes he had a crap sleep in the not very comfy recliner chair provided, but he said he wouldn’t have slept a wink at home anyway as he would have been glued to the phone checking in on us ready to hop in the car if anything happened while he wasn’t there. Ultimately we were both in agreement that him being there overnight made for the best experience for us as a family

You can't insist anything.

@thesoundofmucas are you ok? I think you need some sleep you sound very angry.

Have you had a c section in the uk recently? You aren't jumping out of bed within a couple of hours and midwives are too stretched to be helping out whenever you need them

@Havinganamechange Let DH have a good nights sleep

Won’t someone think of the poor DH who needs his beauty sleep!

I know he must be well rested for the short drive home the next day 🙄

Why is your bar for women’s care so rock bottom?

Controlling for wanting her husband to stay with her immediately after surgery and the birth of their first child?

What a nasty post - I lost over 4 litres of blood, my uterus ruptured and I had sepsis. I didn't even get to hold my baby for a couple of days - don't project your experience onto others.

I'm surprised at all these men who actually want to go home for the night! You've just had a baby - I don't understand why they would want to leave them? Surely you'd want to spend that extra time soaking up the new baby and helping the wife out? My husband stayed overnight and didn't even want to leave to pop 10 minutes down the road and get me something from home.

Last time I had a c section partners weren’t allowed to stay so the whole ward was just mums and babies. The midwives were rushed off their feet and couldn’t answer buzzers quickly. My baby kept making dirty nappies that first night - about 5 times and needed changing. I was still in bed with catheter in but I had to make do and clean her up as best I could myself which was awkward and uncomfortable a few hours after a c section. Not only did I not get much sleep but I was having to be far too active for a few hours after major surgery. Certainly I would have expected my husband to be there rather than relaxing in bed at home - if he had been allowed (pandemic rules).

I’ve never heard of a partner staying overnight in these circumstances. Parents stay with a child in hospital, but you’re an adult. Hospital staff are there to help you if you struggle with something. You sound very insecure and maybe anxious. If that is the case, you should get some professional help with that. You will have a child soon. It’s time to be an adult.