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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

752 replies

Netball01 · 20/09/2024 17:37

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 21/09/2024 07:50

The private room is key here. I think I'd probably want DH to stay too. You are very lucky that everyone gets a private room though that isn't usually the case!
For one of my kids births I was in a private room the night before (pethidine to help with painful contractions but not dilated enough) and DH was allowed to stay with me and did. I was on shared ward after the birth and then he couldn't stay.

Completelyjo · 21/09/2024 07:53

I love how it’s unreasonable for a man to have to sleep on a chair but it’s not unreasonable for a woman who’s just had major surgery to feed and care for a baby all night.

mumtotwo11 · 21/09/2024 07:56

Do you have any other support OP? Your mum/mil/sister?

Maybe after the birth, DH could go home get some rest and your mum or who ever can come in for a bit then husband come back later in the evening to stay over with you?

I had my mum come for a bit and it was so lovely as she properly looked after me. (Not that my husband didn't he's great but my mum is always the best if I'm ill or whatever)

I do think he should be willing to be there if you want and need him there x

Have you been to the ward and seen the rooms or anything? Perhaps you could ask if there are beds for the dads to stay?

MissUltraViolet · 21/09/2024 07:59

I had a c-section and was in a private room, it was all finished up and I was wheeled into the room at just gone 1am and they made my partner leave. He had no transport, it was a private room but they were having none of it. I had a buzzer I could press apparently and had to just get on with it.

He came back next morning when allowed (visiting hours).

cuckooooooo · 21/09/2024 08:08

Completelyjo · 21/09/2024 07:53

I love how it’s unreasonable for a man to have to sleep on a chair but it’s not unreasonable for a woman who’s just had major surgery to feed and care for a baby all night.

Yeah she'll be cut open but what a baby for wanting her dh to help her. Poor thing can't possibly be uncomfortable in a chair for one night and a little tired the next day!

cuckooooooo · 21/09/2024 08:12

Londonrach1 · 21/09/2024 06:49

No. It's better he goes home and rests. What if all the other mums in the ward said the same and you got as many dads and mums staying.

Yes heaven forbid the fathers help with their own partners and babies when everyone has their own private room.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/09/2024 08:16

What is it with all these people who can't read? The OP has been very clear that she'll be in a private room, partners are encouraged to stay, she'll be having a C-section, and she wants her partner to stay.

What else is there to discuss?

cuckooooooo · 21/09/2024 08:16

mumtotwo11 · 21/09/2024 07:56

Do you have any other support OP? Your mum/mil/sister?

Maybe after the birth, DH could go home get some rest and your mum or who ever can come in for a bit then husband come back later in the evening to stay over with you?

I had my mum come for a bit and it was so lovely as she properly looked after me. (Not that my husband didn't he's great but my mum is always the best if I'm ill or whatever)

I do think he should be willing to be there if you want and need him there x

Have you been to the ward and seen the rooms or anything? Perhaps you could ask if there are beds for the dads to stay?

DH should be stepping in here. It's not just down to the next female relative!

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/09/2024 08:21

The hospital I stayed in with my kids had private rooms and a sofa bed type bed (very comfy actually). I think it would depend upon how I felt at the time, I'd leave it open. I'd ask the hospital if he can stay, and then see what you think on the day. I didn't have a CS and was happy for my partner to go, but the second time he could have stayed and we decided he should go (first time was COVID so no visitors allowed). My friend had an emergency CS and an awful experience as the staff didn't help her at all and she couldn't move to look after her baby as she was in so much pain, so he was just left crying for hours and hours. I think you should both just keep an open mind - but make sure he's agreed that if you say you really want him to stay he will.

Completelyjo · 21/09/2024 08:23

cuckooooooo · 21/09/2024 08:08

Yeah she'll be cut open but what a baby for wanting her dh to help her. Poor thing can't possibly be uncomfortable in a chair for one night and a little tired the next day!

Show quote history

He needs a good nights sleep after 9 months of sleep and accompanying someone for major surgery. Let’s face it, any man who refuses to stay at the hospital based on all the other men in his life probably isn’t going to be doing the night feeds either so he’s in for 9 more months of sleep anyway.

Didimum · 21/09/2024 08:29

Why has OP had to repeat herself several times? This thread is beyond ridiculous and reeks of angry women tearing down another … yet again. Congrats, MN, for exceeding expectations on nastiness.

Hattieho · 21/09/2024 08:32

Netball01 · 20/09/2024 19:12

Agreed & honestly I wish I’d never posted as I’m now feeling incredibly shit about myself.

I’m a first time mum who’s not really had any exposure to hospitals aside from visiting relatives & I’m really nervous about it. Added to that our hospital has a bad CQC rating & all the articles that came out this week about poor maternity care has made me even more worried about what my experience will be like. And my husband is more concerned about getting a good nights sleep.

All I was looking for was a bit of support, instead I’ve been piled on by posters, half of whom haven’t even read my post properly and called a controlling drama queen who can’t cope without a man. Amazing for all these super mums who breezed through it and didn’t need support but that’s not how I’m feeling but some women seem to feel because they had it tough so should we all.

Show quote history

Not sure why you've had such bad responses to this. Please don't feel shit - it's a stressful time.

With my first emergency section my husband stayed in hospital with me for a week - I didn't get out of bed for 5 days so I'd have struggled without him.

With the second planned section, he didn't stay but that was because we already had a toddler at home to look after. And actually I had a much easier time and was able to look after my DD more easily. But had circumstances been different then I'm sure he would have stayed.

GoldenNuggets08 · 21/09/2024 08:37

Completelyjo · 21/09/2024 08:23

He needs a good nights sleep after 9 months of sleep and accompanying someone for major surgery. Let’s face it, any man who refuses to stay at the hospital based on all the other men in his life probably isn’t going to be doing the night feeds either so he’s in for 9 more months of sleep anyway.

Show quote history

The lack of basic comprehension on this thread is appalling. Absolutely nobody has said he needs sleep for himself! Nobody, not one! The people who have suggested he go home to sleep have said that's what they would prefer so that DH is well rested when mother and baby get home from hospital and then the mother can rest and he can take over. A tag team situation instead of both staying up in the hospital, and both coming home exhausted. People are using their own experiences on this thread, plenty preferred that, plenty preferred their DH to stay with them. It's a personal opinion, there is no right or wrong.

tortiecat · 21/09/2024 08:39

My goodness - I had straightforward vaginal births and really valued having DH with me whilst baby and I were still in hospital. (We had our own room each time and no, he was not a dick who climbed into the bed, expected nurses to wait on him, leered at other mums or talked loudly on his phone at 3am!) He was a bit tired by hometime but fine to drive us home. I am no snowflake either.

Don't feel bad about yourself at all, OP - Mumsnet has wonderful people but many of the people responding to this thread are apparently unable to read / total martyrs. You can of course cope on your own, but why should you have to add to your struggle? If partners are encouraged to stay and you have your own room he needs to step up - you are having major surgery and usually after major surgery they let you rest and recover, not give you a brand new human to look after 24/7 immediately - which is the case here. I wish you all the best and hope your delivery goes well and that your newborn loves eating and sleeping Smile

Completelyjo · 21/09/2024 08:45

GoldenNuggets08 · 21/09/2024 08:37

The lack of basic comprehension on this thread is appalling. Absolutely nobody has said he needs sleep for himself! Nobody, not one! The people who have suggested he go home to sleep have said that's what they would prefer so that DH is well rested when mother and baby get home from hospital and then the mother can rest and he can take over. A tag team situation instead of both staying up in the hospital, and both coming home exhausted. People are using their own experiences on this thread, plenty preferred that, plenty preferred their DH to stay with them. It's a personal opinion, there is no right or wrong.

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No, there most certainly is a wrong answer. The wrong answer is to not support his wife in what she says she needs from him based on what other men around him have done.

Pinkstuffs · 21/09/2024 08:53

I think unless you’ve had a csection you shouldn’t be allowed to add your opinions to the thread!

StartingOverInMy40s · 21/09/2024 08:54

Netball01 · 20/09/2024 17:51

As I’ve already mentioned several times, everyone has their own room!!!!
Partners are actively encouraged to stay

I can't see where you've said if he would have his own bed or a chair to sleep in though - sorry if I've missed if x x

Choochoo21 · 21/09/2024 08:55

Completelyjo · 21/09/2024 07:53

I love how it’s unreasonable for a man to have to sleep on a chair but it’s not unreasonable for a woman who’s just had major surgery to feed and care for a baby all night.

For me, it’s more about them both being exhausted unnecessarily.

He’s not going to be safe to drive OP and the baby home if he’s not had any sleep.

He’s also not going to be as useful at home if he’s just as exhausted as OP.

However, if OP really wants him there then he should do whatever he can to help and support her.

cuckooooooo · 21/09/2024 08:57

GoldenNuggets08 · 21/09/2024 08:37

The lack of basic comprehension on this thread is appalling. Absolutely nobody has said he needs sleep for himself! Nobody, not one! The people who have suggested he go home to sleep have said that's what they would prefer so that DH is well rested when mother and baby get home from hospital and then the mother can rest and he can take over. A tag team situation instead of both staying up in the hospital, and both coming home exhausted. People are using their own experiences on this thread, plenty preferred that, plenty preferred their DH to stay with them. It's a personal opinion, there is no right or wrong.

Show quote history

I’m sure poor hubby can cope with a baby and being tired from a night or 2 broken sleep at the same time! Meanwhile his poor wife has had major abdominal surgery and some people expect her to put up with it alone. Midwives aren’t always on hand for everything

Pinkstuffs · 21/09/2024 08:57

StartingOverInMy40s · 21/09/2024 08:54

I can't see where you've said if he would have his own bed or a chair to sleep in though - sorry if I've missed if x x

Show quote history

How many private hospital rooms have you been in with no chair?

StartingOverInMy40s · 21/09/2024 09:02

Did you get out of bed the wrong side pinkstuffs?

I'm asking if it's a bed or a chair as the op hasn't answered that question or hasn't up until the point I asked it.

I think reading the thread lots of people's answers would differ depending on whether it's a bed or a chair that he'd be sleeping on.

Manners cost nothing! Have a lovely day.

(Sorry I can't quote for some reason)

deltabluesandpinks · 21/09/2024 09:21

Bloody hell there are some horrible people on this thread!

OP yes you should absolutely put your foot down and tell your DH he needs to step up. I had an emergency CS and an elective CS. On both occasions I really struggled overnight as the midwives were either very busy or just really not that interested in helping. I was in a private room with a drip in my arm the second time and help still wasn't very forthcoming. You've already got info that suggests your hospital may be lacking in this area. So yes your DH should stay and would be an arsehole for refusing.

DelilahRay · 21/09/2024 09:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the request of the user.

Phen0menon · 21/09/2024 09:26

Will he get a bed?

If so i don't think its unreasonable. If you're expecting him to get a poor night's sleep in a chair, honestly I'd re-think. In the hospital the nurses will help you, the best thing you can do is let him get a solid night's sleep as the next couple of weeks you'll both get less sleep and if he's well rested he'll be better able to help.

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 21/09/2024 09:42

Codlingmoths · 21/09/2024 04:25

Like fuck are they going to do obs every hour. She will be lucky to see anyone more than once overnight in her room.

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!!! I wish I only saw people once or twice overnight in my NHS room.Even at night, at least once every hour or two there was someone coming to do obs or meds etc- sometimes there was no co- ordination and 2 lots of staff came at once. I know they have a job to do but I got virtually no sleep the entire 5 days I was in. In the end my birth partner got angry and insisted they left me alone for 3 hours so I could actually get some decent rest.

Hopefully things will be different for OP and she will only be in for the standard 24-48 hours - but I laugh at the idea that people will leave her alone to get enough rest (maybe for a straightforward vaginal birth with no issues on a ward, but not with a c section if she’s in a private room).