AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Nobody would have come for minimum an hour or two when you called for help. Then when they do turn up they say shay are you after? Ok I’ll be back in a minute/I’ll get someone for you, and disappear. that’s all my friends experience on wards, a private room they are even less likely to be in. So you do that, but the op should tell her dh to stay as when she is alone post csection overnight wondering how to get her baby out of the crib neither you nor the midwives are going to come and help.

OP has explicitly said that partners ARE encouraged to stay.

I had a baby 20 months ago. And like fuck they did exactly that 🤦🏼‍♀️

Mine stayed after a c section. I totally needed it. In fact I couldn't move for a long time because the morphine made my legs numb! I needed someone to hand me my baby and out him back in the cot, etc.

I'd have a very bloody strong word with your DH. Having a baby via c section is major surgery, you will be sleep deprived, your body will have been through a lot, you'll have a vulnerable human being to look after. 'my mates didn't stay for my wives' is a shit answer. If you need him then he should stay. He's a parent now, he doesn't get to opt out and do nothing on the night you've had major elective surgery, given birth, and need him.

Lucky you, mine didn't.

No. It's better he goes home and rests. What if all the other mums in the ward said the same and you got as many dads and mums staying.

He needs to rest after his full night sleep the night before. No point what a woman needs I suppose.

It's not a ward it's a private room

Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

Has "everyone he knows" (interesting that he only knows men!!) stayed in the same hospital you are in, under the same circumstances (with all private rooms), and decided to go home even though the facility urged them to stay and their wives begged them to?

He's an arse not to trust you the you tell him what you need and not to agree to this small thing when you'll have just given birth. But given that there's nothing you can do to improve him in the short term - is there anyone at the hospital (nurse, head nurse, doctor, administrator) whom he respects, who could explain to him how their specific set-up works and that he SHOULD stay if he is able?

Hi OP, I've had 2 ELCS one almost 18 years ago and one nearly 3 years ago. The standard of care/ help was ok the first time (note not great but ok) but the last baby I had it was appallingly bad. I had an IV drop in the bend of my arm all night which made reaching and lifting baby difficult added with the catheter and abdomen pain it wasn't the best night tbh! Second night was much easier as no drip or catheter but I would have appreciated a second pair of hands that first night for sure. My husband left early at 5pm too so was a long night- he claimed it was to be with our then 15 year old but mostly was because he had a secret coke habit and used my being away as an excuse to get some I later discovered!! Good luck OP x

Your what if.. is exactly what the hospital is recommending. That partners stay. Sounds like a good outcome to me that every new mum has support.

Just had an ELCS & personally (just my experience!) would advise hubby staying late & coming back early but getting a good night sleep at home. Also I think it's more settling for you & baby and (this might be cheeky!) I feel they kept a closer eye on the ladies who were on their own.

Also, you defo don't want a husband there who doesn't want to be there & is resenting the fact he is there. You want him to be excited to come back in the morning!! If you don't live far away, you can always call him in the night if you need him xx

OP will be in a room on her own.

If it's like our local hospital - and it sounds as if it is - there will be space in OP's room and other mothers will be perfectly safe.

Why would that be a problem? If they all have their own rooms then it's absolutely fine if every patient has their partner with them.

I also think a lot of posters experiences depend on what time your section is. If you’re first on the list you might be ok overnight as with no complications you’ll be able to move (it won’t be easy but your spinal will have worn off). In my hospital they keep catheters in for 12 hours so yours may have been removed. This will make it easier to get to your baby at least. You might have had time to process what’s happened, get to grips with baby a little bit, organise everything you need, have a decent meal and a nap and shower.I was up and about walking, slowly and painfully but I was, after about 18 hours.

If it’s in the evening then no, you’ll need him there as your legs will be numb and you’ll have a catheter. It took me several hours to stop the shakes and when I had those I couldn’t even type on my phone!

After my first c section I absolutely needed my DH to stay. Wouldn’t pick the baby up, couldn’t put her back down, couldn’t change positions feeding her, couldn’t get out of bed by myself to wee, breakfast and water was self serve down the corridor which I couldn’t access, couldn’t change a nappy etc.

If I told my husband that I needed his support while I recovered and cared for our baby and he prioritised his sleep because that’s what all the men he knew did I would be raging. Not a good sign for your parenting dynamic going forward.

I had an emergency c-section - the midwife said it was fine to lift anything that wasn't heavier than the baby, until the stitches were gone. Honestly I had no soreness or pain, so I didn't need assistance lifting DC.

@TunnocksOrDeath, if you had no soreness following a C-section, to be honest there was something odd going on. OP can't expect the same.

Hi OP congratulations on your baby.

I'm a doula and regularly support women giving birth. If you have a caesarean birth you absolutely should NOT stay overnight on your own where it is possible to have support. If your husband really will not stay then I would ask a friend or a relative to. It's just one night for them!

I wonder if people don't understand how much maternity care has changed in the past ten years. Staff will not have time to come and support you. It is very unlikely the first night you'll be able to move around so how will you pick up your baby, change their nappy, position them comfortably for breastfeeding (if you want to)?

I did the vote and was astounded so I don't want to read the comments as I know they will be cruel.

Please make sure you have help that first night if you possibly can. Sending love.

This is Mumsnet though. Remember anyone that wasn’t running a marathon pain-free whilst holding their baby above their head a couple of hours after their section is pathetic and needs to get a grip.

It’s funny because there are often a lot of posts about how bad female care is, however it seems this is rooted in misogyny perpetrated by both men and women! The number of women who think no other women or new mother should need support or care because she either didn’t need it or didn’t have it is insane! The rhetoric seems to largely be I sucked it up so you should too.

If there is an option to have the partner there, after major surgery, with a new baby in the room, I can't get my head around the oh NOT wanting to be there. Boo hoo, he wants a good night's sleep. I'd be so disappointed if this was how my husband "showed up".
It's also feeling misogynistic.

Why not try saying: I'll bring noice cancelling headphones for me, so I can try and sleep after major surgery, and you do all the work that first night - just wake me (only if breastfeeding feeding) to feed, then I'll go back off to sleep."

You should push the topic. You don't need to be a martyr. The option is there, and it will help you that night.

I've had two different experiences of this. My first was born during COVID and I ended up on the postnatal ward. Partners had to leave and my baby was born in the night so I was literally whisked away and waved at him in the corridor. I couldn't wait to leave that place. I could barely mood and the midwives were horrible/you just didn't see them. Visiting with DH was then one hour a day...

With my second I gave birth in the birthing centre so never went up to the postnatal ward. DH stayed overnight with me in a double bed. Although DS cluster fed all night so I don't think we actually got much sleep anyway (well I didn't).

I think your DH sounds like an idiot. If you had told him you wanted him at home to sort stuff out there fine, but if you are telling him you want the help he should be there for you. I literally can't imagine my DH wanting to voluntarily leave either me or our babies after birth. Hopefully when baby is here he will see sense. Good luck with your baby!

@schoollane I literally couldn't agree more. I wouldn't wish the two nights I had in that post natal ward with my child on my worst enemy. It was appalling.

My care in the birthing centre was absolutely lovely and much more attentive, so it seems that in my trust if you have a really straightforward birth you get loads of help and lovely care and if you have a difficult birth you have an awful experience on the ward. This seems the wrong way round to me!

It's horrible being in hospital alone with a new baby! First baby at least.

I had DS late in the afternoon and DH was able to stay until 10ish and then they moved me to the ward and he had to go home. It was scary but we survived. I didn't really sleep and was exhausted by the next morning and desperate to go home and not spend another night in the hospital.

I would have much preferred a private room with my husband there to keep me company.

If they give your dh a bed then I think he should stay

but unreasonable to make him “sleep” in a chair

both times (baby born a bit after midnight), I sent my dh home to have a proper sleep so that he could be in better shape than I was (and drive us home) the next day