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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

752 replies

Netball01 · 20/09/2024 17:37

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

OP posts:
Magiccarpetforsale · 20/09/2024 22:25

I really needed my husband after my C-sections. It hurts to twist pick up the baby from the cot and to put them back. Going to the loo is stressful after C-section- took me 15 mins to get a wee out and longer for a poo even with laxatives and I wouldn’t want to leave the baby unattended for that long. Especially as mine had a tendency to scream the second they were put down in the cot!

Plus the midwives at my hospital were very understaffed, partners were expected to be there to do all the stuff the midwives couldn’t as there wasn’t enough midwives!

Chillimuma · 20/09/2024 22:36

Have had two c sections and wouldn’t have wanted my husband to stay either time (couldn’t as covid)

CreateUserNames · 20/09/2024 22:47

I’ll insist staying.

Lavenderfields21 · 20/09/2024 23:25

I asked my DH to stay and I'm very pleased he did. He went home to shower and nap at lunchtime when I felt more comfortable.

SchoolDramas · 21/09/2024 00:39

I was on an open ward so he wasn't allowed to stay, nor was he allowed overnight in the private room I laboured in in agony for two nights beforehand over a bank holiday weekend, I was very out of it from a long labor and an emergency C-section, couldn't reach my baby, couldn't get out of bed, hardly saw the midwives, I didn't even know there was a breakfast room I was supposed to be going to to eat and a room to bathe my baby until I passed it all walking out. I can't really remember eating anything or going to the toilet until he came to help me in the morning. I don't think I slept at all because I felt like I need to watch the baby. Absolutely have him there if it's an option, why on earth people are saying otherwise I have no idea 🙈

Fedupdoc · 21/09/2024 00:47

I had a private room but partners were not allowed go stay. Tbh the whole thing is totally ridiculous. You give birth (I had a section second baby) and then you’re left to look after a newborn baby on your own. I was still numb from the epidural and needed help but if was clear the midwives were busy. My husband stayed late and returned early and I hardly slept. Baby was up most of the night and I was exhausted.

Definitely not to worry you. But absolutely feel you’re more than justified wanting him there.

Lunde · 21/09/2024 01:04

Surprised so many are against OP's husband staying with her in a private room.

Was totally normal when I had my first baby - almost 29 years ago.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/09/2024 01:11

If husbands are encouraged to stay, and you want him to stay, Ideally he should want what makes you feel the most safe and looked after.

I would absolutely want someone there (with a strong backbone) to advocate for me whenever possible and let me sleep. YOU should be the one getting a good nights sleep, not him.

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/09/2024 01:15

If you have a private room I can't see why he can't stay.

Summerlilly · 21/09/2024 01:47

Is there actually a bed for him to sleep on though? You keep saying “It’s a private room” I had a private room and my hubby had no bed and didn’t stay.
I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable, I don’t think you seeing his side either.
You are going to get an absolutely horrible night sleep. They are going to wake you up, every hour to do obs, then to help you breastfeed if you choose to. (They don’t do that at the same time btw)
You aren’t getting out of bed that night and the midwife’s will help and support you with anything you need.

He’s right, if he has a good nights sleep he can come back in the morning and help out while you catch up on the sleep they didn’t let you have.

I had an emergency C-section and to be honest I actually quite liked that quiet time, just me and her cuddling. It was peaceful

WhatAboutTheCats · 21/09/2024 01:58

OP, whilst the baby is both of yours, the birth is most certainly yours alone - and for that reason, you call the shots. If you actively want your partner to stay over, he should.

I have no idea why you've had so much backlash, it's totally unfair and honestly I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you to ignore the ignorant comments.

If the hospital actively encourages partners to stay, that suggests to me that staffing levels are pretty dire. I've had two sections and I could not lift the baby afterwards either time because of the angle of the bed and cot. Luckily staff were very good. I personally wanted my husband to go home because I knew I would need him to do everything the following days and I didn't want him grumpy because of lack of sleep, but that was MY personal preference. Yours is that he stays, so he absolutely should do that.

I wish you all the best luck in the world x

cuckooooooo · 21/09/2024 02:59

Lunde · 21/09/2024 01:04

Surprised so many are against OP's husband staying with her in a private room.

Was totally normal when I had my first baby - almost 29 years ago.

Mn loves a bit of martyrdom!

DearHorse · 21/09/2024 03:40

My husband stayed. Also a private room in the NHS, we were very lucky in that regard. It was a bit rubbish for him as this was COVID and they did not offer him any food (we had brought food with us for him), but very important for me and the baby. He should definitely stay. If there is no bed or whatever, he can always leave and come back, but default should be to stay. It is not only your baby, it is his too. Why would you need to take all of the burden of those first couple of days/nights? Especially as you will be trying to figure out how to take care of the baby

DearHorse · 21/09/2024 03:40

duplicated message

Borrowedtime · 21/09/2024 04:16

I think you have very reasonable concerns and he should be doing as you wish. It doesn't impact anyone else and you are hardly asking him to do something arduous! Also it's a bonding opportunity for you all as a new family and will greatly increase the chance of you all having a smooth hospital experience. Good luck with it all OP!

Codlingmoths · 21/09/2024 04:23

This thread is insane, full of bitter women who lack basic reading comprehension and think everyone should prioritise the menz while their wife is giving birth. No woman should have to pick up their baby from their crib to soothe them all night in the days immediately after having a c section, and anyone who has met the nhs knows the midwives/nurses won’t come to do that- if they do come to her room it will be to tell her off for requesting help with picking up her baby, and they probably add don’t you know there are babies who need our care and imply she is putting others at risk by asking for help. Op, your husband should stay. I’d tell my husband in no uncertain words he can go marry all those other women then but if he wants to be a dad of our child he starts when baby is born by doing all the night pick ups while I recover. And if he wants more than one say if you are off home having a good sleep like fuck am I silly enough to have another baby with you.
i left hospital 23 hours after my second, I had a splitting headache and vomited every time I stood up so the staff said I could stay if I really wanted to. But my dh had to go home for our older child and I didn’t see how I could cope overnight without him so I went too. (I had a spinal headache and was back in for treatment 6 days later)

Codlingmoths · 21/09/2024 04:25

Summerlilly · 21/09/2024 01:47

Is there actually a bed for him to sleep on though? You keep saying “It’s a private room” I had a private room and my hubby had no bed and didn’t stay.
I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable, I don’t think you seeing his side either.
You are going to get an absolutely horrible night sleep. They are going to wake you up, every hour to do obs, then to help you breastfeed if you choose to. (They don’t do that at the same time btw)
You aren’t getting out of bed that night and the midwife’s will help and support you with anything you need.

He’s right, if he has a good nights sleep he can come back in the morning and help out while you catch up on the sleep they didn’t let you have.

I had an emergency C-section and to be honest I actually quite liked that quiet time, just me and her cuddling. It was peaceful

Like fuck are they going to do obs every hour. She will be lucky to see anyone more than once overnight in her room.

Pinkstuffs · 21/09/2024 04:25

My DH couldn’t stay as it was an open ward and it was honestly the worst night of my life. He hadn’t even been allowed on the ward to help me unpack my bags so nothing I needed was in reach. My baby screamed and it took so long for the midwives to come and hand him to me that I ended up in the bed just holding him and trying to force myself awake! It turns out he didn’t sleep that well at home anyway. My DH can sleep anywhere and would have been fine on a hospital chair.

I think the bigger issue here though is that he seems quite unwilling to do what you want?

Codlingmoths · 21/09/2024 04:27

Codlingmoths · 21/09/2024 04:25

Like fuck are they going to do obs every hour. She will be lucky to see anyone more than once overnight in her room.

Show quote history

Or help her breastfeed! That doesn’t happen either. This comment is just ‘it’s going to be shit for you anyway so you should also do all the baby care so it’s not any load on your husband.’ No one says that to anyone else recovering from surgery. ‘You feel shit and are too in pain to sleep well so you should get the kids up and dressed, why should we both be awake when you could just suffer more and strain your stitches??

Edingril · 21/09/2024 04:31

I had a bed so could sleep and no I would not have wanted or needed my husband to sit in a chair all night

If I needed help I would have called for help but I figured hospital was for mother and baby only not added people hanging around

F1rugby23 · 21/09/2024 04:51

Complete agree. I really needed someone to help with my baby at night, especially first night when I still had a catheter in. It was an extremely dangerous situation as a nurse would come put my baby on me then leave, i could not get up with the baby on me as i need both hands to get up due to pain from op. I could not move safely, plus I had no proper sleep for 2 days, had a lot of drugs during my long and painful labour. I kept nearly falling asleep, ringing the bell and having to wait over half an hour for someone to come. If I had actually fallen asleep my baby could've fallen off the bed or suffocated. Someone should be staying with you. It wasn't an option for me but I find the system crazy. Sorry but if it was any other major surgery you would not be expected to stay alone in charge of a newborn! Yes, there are nurses but they don't come quickly and were not around a lot. I really don't understand a lot of the comments here.

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2024 04:57

Dad going home is crazy. I was in a hospital where everyone had a private room as well. Dad’s staying is the norm.

you will be incapacitated. Dad is there to advocate for you and the baby. A child should never be without a parent in the hospital. It is dad’s job to stay with baby 24/7 because you will not be able to fill that role right away.

Pinkstuffs · 21/09/2024 05:02

@Edingril did you have a C-section?

Zapx · 21/09/2024 05:28

This thread is mad! 100% YANBU, he should definitely be staying. The “but what if there isn’t a bed and he’s uncomfortable” situation is ridiculous, he can certainly cope over night in a chair. He’s not going to be more uncomfortable than YOU is he?? So yes, he should stay and help, and if he’s worried about being tired tell him to buy some coffee, get on with it, and welcome to parenthood. I hope it goes really well OP.

(My credentials: 3 children, latter 2 of which I wasn’t allowed DH to stay overnight and it was horrendous.)

Sartre · 21/09/2024 05:35

I had two ELCS and the aftercare is pretty shoddy ime. They just seem to expect you to be perfectly fine after major abdominal surgery and want you to hop back up quickly and do everything for yourself with ibuprofen for pain relief. It’s crazy.

Having said that, you will manage without him because everyone else does! It’s probably preferable he gets some sleep so he can safely drive you home and also care for you at least for the first day without being sleep deprived.