AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

I don't get these replies at all. You're having a baby, your body is going through a huge change (and youve already been growing his baby for 9 months presumably with all the discomfort, sickness, insomnia etc of pregnancy), you're going to be fragile and in need of some care and your dh is more concerned about his full 8 hours than supporting you. I think his attitude stinks quite honestly. While i understand his logic and I agree with PPs that you will be alright without him, youve had that conversation and expressed your preference that he stays, so then he fucking well should stay! I'd be so upset if it dh pulled this. I'd feel uncared for, unprioritised and like his very first chance to step up and put his family first he's let you down. And I'd tell him that.

Your DH is being a shithead. I had an EMCS. DH was sent home. Only the new (as in first shift) student midwives came when I called for help. My catheter bag was completely full and had actually even filled the tubing all the way back up into my bladder. I was in pain and begging them to sort it. A midwife eventually came in and said she didn't have time and just pulled it out completely and walked back out again. I had to try get up to walk to bathroom maybe 6 hours post c section without any help or anyone watching me. My baby was awake if not being held. I was knackered and doing laps of the room holding my over 9lb baby to try stop myself falling asleep holding him.

When DH was allowed back in next morning I zonked out with a pillow over my head while he had baby and I was so knackered the midwife took several attempts to wake me to do my obs. She also asked what happened to my catheter as it should still have been in at that point on my hospitals guidelines.

The nurses won’t be more attentive. They might however be less understaffed, so they can provide better care

He was allowed but I didn't want him there.

I’ve had 2 elective c-sections and DH didn’t stay for either but see how you feel on the day. Both of my sections were around lunchtime and DH could stay until 9 I think but by then I was exhausted and just wanted him to leave. Even in a private room there’s only a chair from memory so nowhere to sleep.

I definitely did not experience being abandoned by the midwives who seemed determined that I should have my first sleepless night no matter what and were in every hour to check on me/baby. Best advice is to pack a great hospital bag with your iPad, headphones (because it’s actually pretty boring once baby is asleep and you’ve marvelled at their existence for a while) and loads of snacks/water/paracetamol/ibuprofen.

You’ll be encouraged to move around literally as soon as the spinal wears off so please don’t worry about not being able to pick baby up afterwards, you’ll be fine. It’s twisting that’s the tricky part but the hospital beds are designed to help, plus the cot will be low and directly next to you so it won’t be as difficult as you are probably imagining.

I had a private room in an NHS hospital after a CS (twins yay) and my husband stayed, he slept on a rolly camping mattress on the floor, I was glad he was there, he fetched me everything, helped move the pump etc etc etc

I had a baby last year and had a 4 day stay in a private room. It was absolutely fine, you could tell the midwives were very busy but overall all were lovely and nore than happy to help and sneak a newborn cuddle.

I sent H home to be with my eldest. Although the first night, eldest was at the in laws.

And 5 nights in a private for dc1.

As I've said, I sent him home both times. He was there, though, from 8 am until 8 pm every day and made sure I had everything I needed. He would have stayed if I hadn't told him to go. There was no discussion beyond me suggesting he get some sleep. He even called when he got home and made sure, I meant what I said.

The midwives came around every hour or so both times to check my obs and the baby's. Anything I needed, they made sure I had.

I'm not making out that I'm some hero of a woman. It was my choice because I knew I would need him when I got home. And, I really did. I didn't do any healing or recovering until I was at home. After dc1, I was bed bound for nearly 2 weeks and didn't leave the house for the first 3. Thank god for home visits from the midwives and HV.

Every woman has her story, many are sharing theirs. I do agree that some are erring on the side of harsh, but the majority are trying to empower op with their stories and how they coped. Some were fine, on their own, others weren't.

I'm a big believer in not having both parents suffering from lack of sleep, feeling over worked, and mentally unable to cope.

Of course, women go through the physical and mental pain of childbirth, but partners are often witnessing the full trauma and usually are taking on the mental load of that experience from a different perspective. No one wants to see their partner suffer. They also need to mentally decompress afterwards. After both births we were both physically amd mentally exhausted.

Op, He may completely change his mind post birth. He's probably just as nervous and scared as you are. But being a man he may not feel like he's able to say it.

I think your dh should be planning to call it by ear really.

I had an elcs with ds and it was quite daunting when my other half at the time went home, but actually it was fine. It gave me a chance to get to grips uninterrupted with breastfeeding and the nurses were really good at helping with changing ds when he needed it. I had my section at 8.30am and I was up and walking (very carefully lol) by tea time. So overnight was alright. But everything went very smoothly for me so I think it really had to depend on how you're feeling. If you've a private room and the option for him to stay then I'd expect him to be there to support you. But I totally agree with pp who mentioned him getting enough sleep to drive you both home safely the next day and to take over and let you rest a bit when you need it.

My husband stayed the night my baby was born (EMCS) we had a private room & he was born at 8pm so made sense him staying after recovery etc. I think we both managed about 2 hours sleep, me in the bed he was on a chair. Next night I was on the ward, I sent him home to sleep & even though I was very tired and sore, there was something really special about that night behind the curtains just me and baby in his little goldfish-bowl cot. It meant the next afternoon when we were discharged DH had his wits about him a bit, had done a bit of shopping and made sure the house was clean and tidy. We got home and I could go straight to bed while he held baby.

Totally agree him staying initially if it’s a private room, however sooner or later divide and conquer is the only way to survive the early days IMO!

Honestly I think the fact he doesn't WANT to stay is alarming.

It's fantastic to have the father of your child with you. Most women don't have the option on the NHS, the fact you do is amazing and you should take it.

He should want to a) support you and b) bond with his new baby. He can't deal with crap sleep for that??? Good luck for rest of baby life to him.

You should take every ounce of help you can get!!!

Good luck mama. You've got this!! Whether he stays or not, you will be fine! Comments here are weird. You're not controlling for wanting your partner there after major surgery!!!!

I would ask your husband to stay. You will need his help.
I had a c section last year. 11am they took me into theatre, I couldn’t move my legs until 5am the next morning. I was on a ward, my husband (quite rightly) wasn’t allowed to stay. The midwives took my baby to look after during the night after my husband went home for the night at 10pm. I really didn’t want him to go home, I was terrified of looking after the baby alone as I felt incapable because I couldn’t move properly. I also had a catheter in. The midwives were lovely and could probably see the sheer terror on my face so offered to take baby so I could try & rest.
I was glad to be on a ward, I genuinely didn’t want to be left alone, I would have hated being in a private room alone, I felt very vulnerable.

Our trust has just started letting partners stay, and I’m really unhappy about it (expecting first soon). I do not want to be on a ward with men I don’t know overnight, I wish they weren’t allowed. But surely just see how it goes, why do you have to plan ahead.

I’m glad my children are older. This nonsense wasn’t allowed when I had mine in the noughties. I find this practice of males sleeping overnight on a ward of vulnerable post partum women absolutely appalling. Its high time maternity wards were staffed properly so women can be cared for by midwives

As you have your own room @Netball01 I wonder if there's a compromise? Also that perhaps your dh is more worried about this than he is letting on.

I think you should have someone stay in case the midwives aren't available to help. However, could that be your mum or a sister? I can see both sides and yiur dh might need a kip to be on it during the following days in case he needs to advocate for you.

More to the point, if your hospital has been graded as inadequate, I'd be looking at an alternative hospital and making it crystal clear in advance that you expect your care to be optimal.

For the love of god she’s in a private room not a damn ward

plus have you heard of support for a woman after giving birth SUPPORT ffs

I ended up back in hospital with an infection after a week and baby and I were put on the ward… two husbands stayed and snored ALL NIGHT, it was so loud. One poor mum was crying to the midwife while trying to feed while her partner snored beside them. They all used the private loo / shower despite signs saying it was only for the mums.

I discharged myself the next day as it was awful!

Do some men really perv on other post partum women?

I’ve had two babies. I know all about women’s needs after birth. And it’s not to be vulnerable, bleeding etc alongside ever present random men

I’m against men being on a shared ward but it’s absolutely fine as it’s a private room.

I’m on the fence about who’s BU though.

As this is something you want then he should support you and do what makes you feel comfortable.

But I can see his point.

I assume he’ll be the one driving and doing most of the housework, cooking etc so it’s important he’s not exhausted.

Someone else started a thread a few days ago as she was exhausted.
My advice was that her DH go home and get a decent nights sleep and then he come and take over whilst she got as much sleep as she could.

Sometimes you have to tag team and take in turns sleeping.

Would it be better if both of you are completely exhausted or would it be better if just one of you was exhausted and the other could take over.

Perhaps you could ask him to prepare to stay the night but you’ll see how you feel on the day.

Will he have a bed or have to sleep in a chair?

They don’t perve but in my experience they snore, snort, stretch their legs out under your curtain while trying to sleep, play games on their phone and use the loo that is designated for mums who have a lot of messy bits to deal with!

He won’t be on the ward as it’s a private room. Read the op posts

When I had my ELCS we ended up staying for 3 nights and my DH didn't leave me. I was quite anxious and in some pain, he did every single nappy (including changing my pad when my legs were still a bit numb, the staff were VERY busy). I was grateful for his support and I wanted him to stay but if he'd not been keen to stay I don't think I would've wanted him to. He slept on a recliner chair for 3 nights in a boiling hot room, but he did it fairly cheerfully, if he'd been resentful it would've been miserable.

100% he should stay. I had a private room and the first night I was in labour DH got no sleep at all. Next morning DD was born and he stayed that night too. He was beyond exhausted and slept off by 8pm. But he was there to help had I needed him. It's just that comfort knowing you are supported and cared for.
I'm appalled you are even having to ask (let alone convince) him!

I had an emergency C-section and my husband was only allowed to stay until after the spinal block had warn off - so about 4 hours. I was then taken to a ward and he went home. There was no provision for him to stay. No bed, and only a chair by the bed. I couldn't get up due to the C-section, so the midwives brought my son to me to feed and they changed him etc. I can't see a maternity unit allowing your husband to stay to be honest. As much as I hated being on my own in hospital, my husband needed sleep to be able to support me once our son and I were discharged. At least one of us got some sleep!