AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

Ffs the poor lass wants support that isn’t being precious at all. He can get a good night sleep the night before if needs be.

Hello. I haven't read all the replies (partly because it's an emotive subject for me), but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in considering this and weighing up the options.

Hospitals and experiences vary but after a terrible time in hospital after my first baby (not being able to access the help I needed after a difficult birth), I absolutely insisted I would not be left alone in hospital after my second baby (also elective c section).

I planned it so that my husband would stay the first night, but I also organised a postnatal doula who would be able to stay with me for subsequent nights if I needed to stay in hospital, so that he would get some rest. I was fortunate to be able to prioritise spending money on this which I appreciate is not the same for everyone, but if I hadn't had the doula I would have organised friends/family as back up (again I appreciate not everyone has this option).

You are not unreasonable. I feel that often here there is a pride in being able to survive on minimal help! Great if you can, and you'll get through it if you have to but everyone is different. I wish you well, and happy to DM if helpful x

I wish my DH had gone home after my c section. He fell asleep and snored his head off in the chair, I couldn’t obviously get to him to stop him snoring so I ended up launching packs of baby wipes at him.

My first birth he had to go home due to covid restrictions and it was lovely lol.

I understand both sides here. Do you have other children at home who will need your DH? I’ll just add that no visitors were allowed to stay over on my ward when I had a c-section.

I agree with all of this. I’ve had two ELCS within the past two years and my partner stayed both times on the ward sleeping in a reclining chair (as did the partners of the majority of the other women). I could barely move, certainly couldn’t twist to pick up the baby from the cot next to me, was exhausted and in pain. OP you’ll need your partner (or your mum etc) to help pass you the baby to feed, change nappies and bring you food/drink etc. DO NOT expect adequate support overnight from the staff - there won’t be enough of them and even if they come when you ring your buzzer it could take 30 minutes or more each time. You’ll have had major surgery, the people who think you’ll be magically well and able to look after a newborn all by yourself immediately afterwards are mad.

I am genuinely shocked by there replies. You will have just had the baby for you and your partner. To my mind, of course you would him there for his baby’s first night, and I would have thought he would want to be there too. It’s a momentous moment and it’s very old fashioned for the dad not to be involved. Like how dads used to not be present for the birth itself.

My first birth, there was a pullout bed for my partner to stay in. My second birth, we shared my bed! It’s not only you that should be responsible for the baby. It creates a weird dynamic from the start.

My husband went home to get a decent night sleep, but if you feel you need him there he should of course stay.

Mine came in the next morning having been to my favourite coffee place to pick me up decent coffee and breakfast on the way which I’d have taken any day over having him in the chair next to me all night.

@ThisFunHedgehog OP will have a private room where partner can stay, it isn’t a shared ward

If it's your first baby (so no other kids waiting at home) and the hospital allows it then I'd absolutely think he should stay! Especially with a c section, I've not had one but harder for you to get up and grab baby yourself.

He should definitely stay; moreover, if you're getting a private room.

The day of the C section I was very drowsy, first for the Anesthesia and later for the painkillers. There's no way I could be caring for the baby properly in that condition. If the baby is not in special care, they would expect you to care for him/her.

You will need help, baby will need help. Definitely he should stay every night, my husband did, he did have a bed on the private room. Although even if he didn't have a bed, I would have expected him to stay at least the first 2 nights.

She’s said it’s a private room. There are no other women in the room.

Both times I sent my husband home to get some rest. Much better that he could pick up some things at home and take the baby while I rested the next day.

He should stay. The truth is that YOU are having a section and YOU will need all the rest you can get. YOU will have very limited ability to move, YOU will be processing all kinds of drugs and emotions, YOU will be unable to easily reach and pick up/put down your baby or change a nappy. The first couple of nights babies sleep relatively well and eat relatively little. This allows YOU to get some sleep. This will be easier with your partner there.

All HE has to do it help a bit and sleep on a chair for a night or two.

I know which role I’d rather have!

Over the next few months I GUARANTEE that he will get more sleep than you do.

No idea where PP’s gave birth but in a hospital in a big city my experience is that wards are severely understaffed and help is very limited. If partners are encouraged to stay your trust is telling you they have the same problem.

My first CS partners weren’t allowed. I had to buzz for help in the night to pick up my crying baby. When I tried to latch DC the midwife was aggressively unhelpful and flounced off leaving me in tears (and unable to put DC down as I couldn’t move her to the cot). I also got no additional pain relief the next day as I didn’t know I was allowed to ask for it. I thought I was just supposed to be in agony. No-one came to check on me unless requested.

Second CS partners were allowed. And thank goodness they were, as it took hours for the drugs to wear off enough for me to move my arms independently and be safe holding my baby. I could rest without being on high alert for the baby. If I needed something there was someone to ask. Having the help made a huge difference.

It’s an operation not a fucking ride on a gondola!

All those saying it's better then man has a good night's sleep, then he can help/clean house get thing's ready for op at home. Why would anyone think a man who wants his own comfort/sleep after his partner's just had surgery and will be left looking after a newborn, would be doing anything other then prioritising himself?

No. I was very definitely putting my needs first when I wanted DH to go home. I'd have been annoyed at his breathing, at him shifting constantly in the uncomfortable chair, I'd have been annoyed by his useless man nipples that couldn't breastfeed and at his ability to effortlessly walk to the toilet.

But for similar reasons I always sleep me and baby in a separate room post partum - last thing I needed was DH waking me in the night when I finally got some sleep.

Im appalled by the poor literacy levels displayed on this thread. Repeatedly op has had to state it is private rooms and partners are encouraged.

he is being selfish.

Because I knew mine would. And I was right!

I honestly think that being new parents is hard enough as it is. If one of you can get sleep, then they absolutely should. But I'm hideous when sleep deprived and function extremely badly and I'm grumpy as fuck, so maybe I'm assuming everyone is like me!

This.

Very odd responses here!! A lot of people clearly haven’t read your OP properly. Of course you aren’t wrong to want him to stay but there are upsides to him leaving.

If it helps… I had an afternoon section and DP was made to leave about 9pm before I was able to stand which wasn’t ideal as nobody came quickly when I buzzed but I did manage and was up by about 1/2am. It’s all a bit of a blur tbh and can’t say I overly loved or needed the alone time with baby at that point but it was fine. Absolutely no sleep though and I was thankful that he was rested the next night as he took over for a bit - baby was only having colostrum at that point was milk hadn’t come in so I got a good few hours.

I’m having another section soon and anticipate being on the morning list. Partners are now allowed to stay and I’m going to ask DP to stay till 10/11 ish (hope to get a bit of sleep and a shower before he leaves) then go home and come back the next morning so he’s rested.

I won’t be staying more than 24 hours unless there’s a good reason. Last time I was made to wait for my prescription and DC summary but all I got was paracetamol and ibuprofen so really no need to hang around for that after babies checks.

C-sections are so different from person to person but there is no way I could have looked after baby DS after mine

He was born at 11:03am and I didn’t attempt to get out of bed until the following morning. DS was in NICU from 12 hours old but DH looked after him completely until then and just handed him to me for feeds.

Absolutely no way I would have been able to look after him on my own that soon after having a C-Section.

I don’t remember the midwife’s or nurses even so much as checking on us, so definitely wouldn’t have been able to rely on them for help.

I sent my husband home first night post c section but wish I hadnt! If I had my time again I’d keep him with me overnight and get my mum/mum in law to come the next day to help while he slept xx

I’ve had two sections - one emergency, one elective.
My husband stayed both times. I am a wheelchair user so I needed the extra help and had private rooms.

In your position - 💯 he needs to stay with you overnight. There are only so many midwives and you WILL need help.

I agree with this. "Divide and conquer" was my motto. No point both parents getting a shit night sleep, the next day will be a balls for everyone.

However have read some valid points on her about staffing issues and think maybe OP would be right to get him to stay!

Yeah but did you not want him to be there or he wasn't allowed? I can see a man in either of those situations stepping up doing what they can for their partner. However ops partner doesn't want to stay and have a bad night sleep/ or have his friends take the piss he's probably not going stepping up.

I had a c section and obviously different to your hospital partners left at night. I enjoyed skin to skin and baby snuggles without any interruption. Personally I was also glad as someone else's partner was kicking off and causing a scene and I just wanted peace! I couldn't get out of bed til midnight but managed to lift, feed and change baby and used buzzer when needed midwife to pass me stuff. If your partner won't stay you will be OK staff will help and many others have managed alone too xx