AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

No, my husband went home. He could have slept in a chair but really you will be fine. If I’m honest I’m really against men staying. It’s a women’s ward with women trying to breastfeed, postpartum blood loss, pain etc. I don’t think men should stay.

I personally sent my husband home after my elective c-section. It meant one of us had had a decent nights sleep when I came home the following day.

My advice is to have his overnight stuff in a bag separate from yours, and then he has the option to stay if you need him, or can leave you if you need some space.

I didn’t have a c section for any of mine so I can’t even begin to know how you will be physically. But mentally, after all 3 of mine, I needed just a little time to myself with my baby, my first 2 we didn’t have the option to stay, but the 3rd he could if we wanted. I kicked him out late evening and woke up at 3am to find he had creeped back in 😂, but honestly those few hours just me and my DD were wonderful.

but as I’ve said, take his stuff, you won’t know until the time neither of you will

I lost blood after my c-section, so I wasn’t allowed to get out of bed until the next day. I needed my partner there to change nappies etc.

Do fathers not feel the need to be with their newborns? I didn't want to be away from mine for a minute, I've never really thought before about how dh felt to go home and leave us (ward so no one stayed). The nights were really hard and the drugs I was on made me a bit delusional at times after a night or two of little sleep!

My husband stayed all 3 times.

I would have been really pissed off if he left me. I’m with you OP.

YANBU since it’s a private room, partners are encouraged to stay and you are a first time mum (so no others kids DP needs to prioritise) . I can only assume others on here have jealousy that their partners couldn’t do the same!

But if your partner really thinks he’d be better having a good nights sleep so he can help you more at home -honestly, you will cope.I was a first time Mum and had an ELCS (and am a wuss with pain) and I managed okay on my own (partners weren’t allowed to stay overnight even in private rooms at the hospital I was in). The nurses will encourage you to move asap to help speed up recovery which is a good thing - and I had worse pain with kidney stones than my c section. Just make sure you take the max dose of paracetamol and ibuprofen (or codeine if you are lucky enough to be offered it!) and you’ll be fine shuffling back and forth to your baby or the loo (its only on the long walk out of the hospital carrying baby that I really felt “Ooh, that stings!” and had to pass him over to partner).

My husband bought me a sausage sandwich when I had my first, it was heaven.

its the simple things that count

I'm amazed at how many people are shocked that your partner can stay and there are private rooms! Many people where I live choose the hospital a little further away from us as they can have their partner stay and it is all private rooms. During covid loads of expectant mothers were changing to that hospital mid-pregnanct because the rule there was once you are in you can stay in but if you leave the room then you don't come back. I chose the closer hospital but definitely plan to choose the other option if we have another as I left the same day I gave birth last time because I couldn't bare the thought of spending that first night without my husband there. Everyone is different and if you want your partner to stay then he should really be listening to you and staying with you

I think your DH is being pretty selfish. I had two c-sections and really needed help to be able to pick up my babies. I had some complications which may have made it harder but it's the least your DH should do when you've just had major surgery. I can only imagine some of the people suggesting otherwise have not been in the position of hearing your new baby screaming and not being able to reach them and being made to feel like a burden when a midwife eventually comes along. Your DH should be more concerned about being there for you than how much sleep he will get.

OP I'm with you, I had an emergency c section during Covid and my husband had to leave.

The overnight was shit and understaffed. Everytime I buzzed to get help picking up the baby or painkillers I felt like I was bothering the nursing staff and had to sometimes buzz several times. Also my husband didn't show up till nearly lunch time the next day 😑 I had been in labour for 3 days and been on the ward 4 nights at that point and had slept probably an hour or 2 a night, I was livid.

I'm sorry but it's completely mad to look after a new born baby by yourself after major surgery when you don't know what the fuck you are doing if theres the option for help. It's frightening. A bloke wouldn't fucking do it, imagine if they had abdomen surgery and then were handed a newborn they'd never seen before within an hour of being stitched shut. They'd want a fucking pride of Britain award, no fucking way they would do it alone by choice.

I think its crap that your DH says he wont stay because his friends didnt. He is giving zero thought to how you might feel. What if you have complications? You wont be able to walk straight after so how will you look after the baby? If you need to go for check ups or more treatment, he might be the only one there to look after the baby. Sure the nurses will do it if he isnt there. But why would you leave your hours old baby with strangers if you didn't have to?

Private rooms sound fabulous, but they aren’t really practical particularly if staff are thing on the ground. At least with bays the MW can glance in a check everyone is still breathing ! It’s much more difficult to notice if someone has deteriorated quickly in a side room.

f*k the haters! bring your husband for your safety, sanity and as an advocate for you! Or some bring him to fetch you snacks! Who cares? What’s the point to be a martyr? I’m due in Feb and won’t be asking anybody’s opinion about it !

Partners can stay if you have a private room.
I had my husband stay with me as long as I was in hospital each time. I hate hospitals and there aren't enough staff to help you properly. I had private rooms though. They won't allow men staying overnight on a ward.
You can ask to be placed in a private room if available.
I had one as part of my care plan each time due to experiencing psychosis during my first birth. It was part of my care plan that I had my DH with me 24/7 whenever in hospital.
You'll have women on here telling you you are being unreasonable and should just cope like they did...
But I totally understand. I'd be terrified without my DH due to my fear of hospitals and very traumatic first birth when I experienced psychosis.
There was that case in Bristol with the girl who they sent her partner home but there wasn't really enough staff to watch her and her baby.. and she ended up just walking out of the hospital with the baby without anyone noticing and killed herself and the baby.
I personally do not think the staffing levels on recovery wards are safe at all.

Your husband's attitude is shitty and I would nip that in the bud right now. Remind him of his marriage vows (I assume he took some). The whole absolute point of marriage is to have someone in your corner to share life with. He's having a child and his life is going to change so he'd best be prepared. You've done absolutely nothing wrong by expecting support after major surgery. Don't feel bad because other people have different ideas of what marriage/partner support should be like. It's enough that you want your husband's support, it's his duty to give it.

I was very grateful for my husband “wandering about” after I had a massive haemorrhage and nearly died, then woke up to find out he’d been clothing, feeding and cuddling our baby for hours on end. I would have been devastated if my child’s first hours had all been in the care of a complete stranger.

@DelilahRay Nasty comments. Maybe you are a bit weak. But it doesn’t matter. You do you (🤣🤣 with your passive aggressive laughing emojis)

The news is full of stories about the shit staffing on maternity wards. I had a post partum haemorrhage and was quite unwell. The maternity ward staff didnt give a shit and told me to get on with it with no help. When i went to get an iron infusion , due to having lost so much blood, the staff in that department insisted i sat in a wheelchair and was pushed around everywhere, due to the risk of me collapsing and hurting nyself or my baby.

Probably depends on what time of day you end up having baby, with my first it was an emergency late at night and he got sent home at 1am when I got out up to the ward, I was still numb in legs and frankly in shock, was sick, couldn’t reach baby to feed him etc., so having DH there would have been really good as midwives weren’t around much Second baby was elective CS and it was in the morning so by night time I was quite settled, had been up walking had a shower had catheter removed etc so was happy for him to go home.

I'd want my partner to stay as well if it was a private room.

for those saying husbands can’t stay. actually in some hospitals they can. i had a c-section and was so grateful DH was there. unfortunately the care in was by the midwives and nurses was not ideal… to the extent i was in tears when told i had to stay another night (stayed there a week in the end) as i had developed a fever. the midwives on my first night on the ward could not have been less helpful or unfriendly. i was so reliant on DH. it was not until i physically threw up on one of them they realised how ill i was and unable to look after the baby rather then being lazy and changed their attitude massively. of course some of the midwives after that were great.

there is just so much between the standards of bedside manner and care that i would prefer dh to stay with me rather then take the gamble of the quality of midwives on the ward during my stay