AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

OP I would put your foot down here, I’ve had 2 c sections over the past 4 years and DH was not allowed to stay overnight either time. For both, I didn’t have my catheter out and therefore couldn’t move off the bed until the next day. It was so hard picking baby in and out of the cot next to me, I just about managed it as midwives were stretched so if I called it sometimes took a while for them to get to me. But I was terrified of dropping DC and for my first c section I basically held DC all night as I was too scared to put him back as it was a real stretch. I was in for two nights for my first as well.

With a private room and partners encouraged to stay it would be a no brainer for me that your DH stays. It’s really not fair for you if he doesn’t.

Oh please don't feel bad. I'm finding many of these responses quite confusing. It seems very normal to me to want your partner there after birth. When I had my first, it was during COVID and my DH staying wasn't even an option. I was in hospital for 5 nights and it was horrendous not having him there. Very fussy baby and overstretched midwives. Just had second DC and I was in hospital for 2 nights. I was in a ward and partners were welcome to stay (though he only had a chair to sit/sleep on). Had much easier birth second time round so I ended up sending husband home to sleep, but I would have found it odd if he had been insisting in advance that he was going to go home to sleep. His role was to support me during and post-birth. Also found it useful having him there just for general huge amount of info / decisions that needed to be made - e.g., I had to decide between having an iron or blood transfusion .You will be absolutely fine if you're on your own though and, at the hospital I was at, midwives were very responsive to buzzer. Maybe try and chat to your partner and help him understand that while in an ideal world he'd be well rested to look after you and baby when you get home, you'd find his immediate support and company in the hospital more valuable?

The OP will be completely isolated in her room, no female company and alone with a tiny newborn that relies on her for everything. That’s the difference. I was on a ward, but none of the mums around me spoke English (despite being in a hospital in Essex) and back then it was standard to be kept in for two nights. It was lonely, thankfully the midwives were great. That was 16 years ago though and things have changed.

Maternity care in the UK is not the standard it should be. Reading between the lines regarding the fact that partners are encouraged to stay, I’d be insisting. That’s not controlling, that’s simply acknowledging the needs of a new mum and the fact that overnight care may be lacking.

I've had two c sections personally I've never got the fuss that you can't possibly cope without having your husband/partner there. Of course you can.

I've had 3 sections. Only on 1 of them was DH allowed to stay, and it was by far the best experience. I really didn't cope well physically or mentally without him, I just found it really tough. The midwives were so busy that I was ringing the bell to be handed my hungry baby and nobody would come. The spinal didn't wear off with mine until the next morning so I physically couldn't have got up even if I'd wanted to. I remember counting down the hours and minutes until morning visiting time. If he's allowed to stay over (and most don't allow it), I'm in team stay over! My DH would have loved to have stayed over each time if he could have.

OP

I would seriously double, triple, quadruple check the private room situation at your NHS hospital - but if that is the case - it’s up to you. He may help you being there, he may also benefit from a decent nights sleep.

If he does stay please don’t let your DH start wandering down the hall to find the loos (or something) and confine him to your room.

I was on a ward. Had to go to the loo in the night and TMI had serious clotting/flood en route. Encountering a random DH (however nice he may be) isn’t what I would want and why other women are v sensitive about it.

I had v good care in hospital.

Congrats to you.

Yes he should stay. Dsis husband stayed with her the whole 2 nights she was in and helped her with everything. She really needed the help.

Hiya

I am not sure what most posters here are about, appart from total battshitery.

You woul never expect a bloke with major abdominal surgery to care for a newborn!
Can you just imagine it?

I had two c sections in London hospital and both times it was almost mandatory to have one birthing partner staying with you till you went home. First one was peak covid, same thing. It was room with six beds selarated by curtains and we all lived.

Put your foot down and tell fucking manchild of a father to survive one night sleeping in an armchair if you are going through the whole ordeal of being cut in half.

And enjoy your baby.
And buy laxative to use if you don't do no2 on day 2. Have it ready and thank me later :)

OP has no right to put her foot down, her husband has a mind of his own, she cannot force him to stay if he does not want to.
It's about choice and her husband has expressed his, no one has the right to demand even if they don't agree with the decision.

Its quite sad that some women’s standards are so low to be honest

Really? Your own standards of your ability to cope are quite low. You have staff in hand to help. Hospitals are hot and stuffy and nobody sleeps.

Your can and will cope fine.

DH never stayed over and I had twins - those few quiet days having to babies to myself is a wonderful memory.

I had my DD at the Portland in London, we had our own private room and DH got his own bed. It was lovely having him stay with me over night. The midwife’s took DD overnight so we got to sleep but if was just nice having him there. If the midwife’s don’t take your baby overnight though then maybe he’s best to go home and do the day shift the next day and you sleep then?

I'm baffled as well but what others do Is their business. If you want your husband to stay, then he should stay. You've done enough carrying the pregnancy and being cut open to have his baby. If you can be trusted to look after the baby after a night with very little to no sleep, then any man would hopefully be able to manage to drive his wife and child home even after he had little sleep. Though I suppose people are different, some men might not cope. If you trust yours can, then he should stay and support his family

Just to offer another perspective, mine didn't stay over as wasn't allowed so not even a conversation, but when he visited he said it’s awkward. He’s fine with my bodily functions and everything that comes with giving birth, no secrets there, but felt uncomfortable encroaching on whats obviously female space when they’re in a vulnerable situation.

Every time I’ve been encouraged to stay with someone in hospital it’s because of the lack of nurse/HCA resource tbh. If they’re actively encouraging partners to stay I wouldn’t expect too much help from the available staff at all and maybe even a struggle to get your own food/drink which is also essential - or at least in a position you can eat it and not out of reach (seen this on other wards where movement may be anticipated to be limited!)
It is also nicer and better care for the patient though so hopefully they’re thinking that too.
Ive not had a c section but I understand it makes it very difficult to see to baby and yourself - and you are importantly too - you need sleep mostly but be nice to be able to have a drink or help with whatever you need - bit of love and care really.
Perhaps your husband is not realising how shit it will be for you solo - or that babies don’t stay asleep all day - hopefully he doesn’t know this, or he’s being rather selfish. Tell him all hospital will think he’s dreadful and maybe he’ll rethink - though he should want to stay really - but do what it takes and take what you can get as you’ll definitely need someone.
Best of luck with it all.

With my first my husband was allowed and encouraging to stay (I had a hideous birth, not c section, and could barely move) but I wanted him to go home and rest, no point us both starting out exhausted and I wasn't going to get any sleep regardless.

With baby number 2 he wasn't allowed to stay and I didn't want him to. I had a c section and was fine with picking up baby - I didn't need to get off the bed to do it.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want him to stay but I don't think it's unreasonable for him not to want to and I don't see the point in you both getting shit nights sleep.

However my biggest issue with partners staying is that it allows hospitals to inadequately staff their units, because partners are picking up the slack - which is plain wrong.

I had an emcs in January. And the quiet(ish) night, where I was alone with brand new baby was honestly magical.

There was no room for DH to stay (NHS ward) and I was lucky to be brilliantly supported by the lovely midwives and nurses, who helped me feed and change my baby. They checked in regularly and were very responsive when I ‘buzzed’.

On a practical note, my husband appeared the next morning with a coffee and a pastry for me (delicious!), well rested and ready to help, which was invaluable when we were discharged later in the day.

My first DC DH stayed as it was a complicated birth. It was lovely to have him there. DC 2 DH didn’t stay and it was quite magical just me and DC together that first night and I’ll never forget it. Both times I had emergency sections x

I agree with you OP.

Partners were not allowed overnight after I had my c-section as we had a shared ward and I completely understood. Of course it was hard but I got by and I really loved my first evening just me and DS. He then went into the NICU unexpectedly the day after for a week and I’m so glad I got that evening with him. DH got some sleep and was in with me by 8am next day.

But DH had no choice but to go home, and I’d be quite shocked if partners were allowed to stay in private rooms but mine said he didn’t want to and wanted to go home. I feel like that’s a choice to make on the day, especially as he is encouraged to stay. I would be hurt if I was you as well.

I have a very similar low ability to cope. Thankfully I don't and didn't have to because my children have two parents. Of course if I was a single parent or a widow it would be different but I see absolutely no reason to suffer in silence when I should be taken care of

I think there’s a big difference between DH cannot stay, vs DH can stay as you have a private room and wants to go home. Takes the piss a bit as you’re the one pregnant 9 months and having the major surgery.

I would 100% want my DH to stay with me if the option was there!!

I had an EMCS with my 1st and although early 2022 the hospital rules were all still covid rules - he could only visit for 4 hours a day at a set time. It was awful, lonely and it is true - you will struggle to get around and pick up your baby after surgery.

I'm with you OP, I can't believe others on this thread!

Lots of women on this thread are far more easy going than me. My husband has a duty to me which he does fulfil, just as I try to fulfil mine. And that includes staying in hospital after a C-section

Can you tell him you'll decide on the day?

I think he should be prepared to stay if you feel you need him.

However he should also be prepared to be kicked out of you feel ok and want some time alone.

This should be all about you and your needs. Not about him. It's his baby you're having. He has to be prepared to help with looking after him/her. Especially if you are sore and can't really move without assistance and the staff are busy.

If he's being selfish this early into your life as a family he needs a rocket up his arse and kicked into touch.