AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

He sounds a good man.

Agree about it being really lonely in a room on your own - I was put in a room on my own before being induced- and it was so lonely.

Grey walls.

It was much better being on a communal ward afterwards- just the companionship of the other women {there were no smartphones then, so people chatted}.

Giving birth is stressful for the first time, and a CS even more so.

OP, Hope it goes well for you.

Hi OP, I had an emergency section at 7.30pm and no option for my husband to stay. I was on a ward and it just wasn't done (before Covid).

Through the night there were staff about to help lift and lay baby. I've got to say that although it was helpful, I did feel like I was a nuisance. Like they'd hand him to me for a feed then forget I needed them to put him back. I was still partially numb, had a catheter in etc... I was also wide awake and just overwhelmed by the day we'd had.

The next morning my husband arrived at 10am (when they could come in) and took over. I slept for hours and it was bliss. I really needed it. I was also able to get up and shower. So I suppose my opinion is split. That first night was difficult but it was well worth it to have my husband rested and take over the next day.

I had an emergency CS back in July and had to stay in hospital from Thursday to Sunday. BTW, this wasn't private and my partner stayed in the hospital with me, never once suggested going home so that he can get a good night rest while he was sleeping on the coach. I could move around just fine after the CS, although I was in a bit of discomfort & pain for the first 4days (obviously) but I could carry baby. Partner supported me throughout and I appreciate him till today for it. So, yes, I would put my foot down about him staying because why should you have to go through it alone.

They gave away the private rooms for men to use as a hotel? Now I’ve heard everything!

There's no right or wrong when it comes to these situations and we can only tell you what we did - which might not be the same as you want.

i wanted help the next day so I sent my dh home but I wasn't happy about it! That was until I went on the ward and met the other mums and I have those friends to this day! Nothing like a good birth story between women 😂 my dh would have been out of his depth and I could of missed out not only on future friendships but immediate help, advice, laughing while i wet myself and crying because I couldn't get my baby to latch on etc

edited to say I haven't read the whole thread if it's moved on sorry

There won't be a bed for your husband though so how will he sleep?

Having said that, if you are really scared and anxious he should stay.

Hi OP, I definitely think he should stay stay!
After my c-section I was being sick, couldn't move much and even if I wanted to, couldn't go far due to catheter being in all night!
My husband stayed as long as he could- open ward unfortunately so they did kick him out (which I do understand due to other women being on the ward) and I'd never been more terrified in my life. The night shift midwives didn't have much patience with me and I really felt like a nuisance! But I just physically couldn't do much by myself.
As for the benefits of your husband being 'well rested' after a good night's sleep...for goodness sake, if anyone needs a good sleep, it's you!!!

She very clearly stated it in her OP.

Can you not understand that the majority of people on here can’t read properly and have jumped to all sorts of ludicrous conclusions and are unfairly piling on a poor woman who asked a straightforward question?

My hospital had chairs that fold out into beds.

I would want my husband to stay and he would. It's ELCS he's 'well rested' from the night before.

And people say no point both getting bad sleep, why can't mum sleep while dad manages baby.

Post birth recovery is so important and it's awful women are pressured to have no help

I had a c-section at a nhs hospital with separate rooms. My dh bought his camp bed along and spent 4 nights there (as I had minor complication). It was wonderful.

I think he's being a bit shit not wanting to stay. But I guess it depends on if he has a bed at all?

I had dc2 at the same pace and another c-section less than a year ago. I actually can't remember if my dh stayed, but I think not (because of older child), it's all such a blur!!

I feel for you, I know how stressful it can be. I am so surprised how many women are just so ready to jump with judgement without even reading the post properly. It was mentioned very clearly initially, and 5 more times that there is a private room. Honestly..... YANBU. I would definitely insist and I would be quite upset at the lack of care your partner shows. He should definitely want to be there. First night it's very hard, especially after a c section. If the hospital has bad reviews, is there another hospital you could consider? It's just a bit concerning

I understand wanting your husband around for what is a special time. I was at a birthing unit for my 1st and my husband could sleep in the queen bed with me. I didn't even change a nappy for the first few days; my husband did them all. I had my 2nd birth at home partly so he could be there too.

I had a ELCS and honestly I can't imagine my partner NOT staying with me. It took hours for the epidural to wear off and I had a catheter in overnight. There's no way I'd have wanted him to leave. They provided a bed and we were in a side room. But honestly this wasn't even a conversation for us, there's no way he wouldn't have stayed. The night I had to go back in with DC alone a few days later was hell and i really needed someone to be there for me

@Netball01 I've just read your replies and can't believe what a hard time you're getting on here!

Ask your husband to lie down on the bed and then try to sit up without using his abs at all. Explain to him that this is how it will be for you after your C-section, because your abs will have been sliced open. Getting out of bed is a slow and painful process. You ideally need someone to bring your baby to you for night feeds, at least for the first couple of nights.

Also, babies born by C-section often have a lot of mucous in their throats. It's not dangerous but it's quite scary as a first time mum because every so often they'll make a choking noise before coughing up more yellow mucous. It's natural to want to get to them quickly but if you're struggling to get in and out of bed it's a slow and painful process. I remember forcing myself out of bed on the third night when it sounded like my baby was choking and I felt like my stitches were going to rip open (they didn't).

A C-section is no joke and you need all the support you can get.

I actually would want him there based on my experience. I've had two CS and the first (emergency) was fine being left alone. The midwives were super helpful and available. I was very supported and my recovery was all the better for it. Second (elective) and I really struggled without him. Getting baby out of the crib when in bed post surgery was so hard/sore and the midwives were just so short staffed I didn't get any help. Felt I couldn't ask. I was desperate to leave ASAP so I could have some help, but I did too much too soon, and recovery was so much harder for it. Much worse pain than first time and I ended up with an infection. Resting as much as possible in that first 48 hours is crucial and looking after a baby alone immediately after surgery when you can hardly move (and they won't sleep) is tough. It really blows my mind how new mothers are allowed no real time to recover from birth and are thrown in at the deep end. Have him stay. It's one night of rubbish sleep for him which does not compare with birth and everything that follows. Good luck!

I agree with him about going home. My partner stayed for 2 nights with me after the birth of my eldest in a reclining chair and was frankly absolutely useless when we eventually went home. He rocked a pillow to sleep thinking it was our son he was that tired. My other two kids were born during Covid restrictions so he couldn’t stay anyway but even if he could have, I’d of sent him home.

I know times have changed and in many ways for the better, but I really think you are being rather precious about this, OP. As others have said, it would be far better for your husband to go home and get a decent night’s sleep so that he is strong enough to help you and your new baby, as l am sure you will be feeling very weak afterwards. When I was ten, in 1975, l had a major operation on my ear. I was in an adults’ ward for two weeks and my mum was only allowed to visit during strict visiting hours. She was not allowed to see me at all on the day of the operation. Looking back, it was terrible, but I survived and probably became more resilient as a result.
On the other hand, I cannot understand why new mothers are sent home so quickly after giving birth. When I had my first baby, in 1991, we stayed for five days after a normal birth - l stayed for six because I had some problems - and ten days after a caesarean birth. This gave us the opportunity to learn how to feed and bath our babies with help on hand and we had a strict rest period on our beds in the early afternoons. It helped us to regain our strength by the time we went home. It also meant that if the baby had problems the medical staff were on the spot. I really think it was a better system.

Such an unpleasant mentality of ‘I had to suffer so you should too’ on this thread. Really unpleasant.
You will have had major abdominal surgery and will have a newborn to look after, of course your husband should stay if that’s an option.
2 c sections, husband stayed both times. Would have been physically impossible for me to manage the baby without him there. You are not being unreasonable. Good luck x

I had a normal delivery and would have struggled without my DH if he had gone home. One night of bad sleep won't kill him!

I had first baby in Covid, EMCS, partner was there for 1 hour a day.

Second baby ELCS - I had a private room for night 2.

I know it's hard, but honestly, I agree with your husband getting a good night sleep.
When he comes back the next day, he'll be able to watch baby whilst you get a few hours sleep and when you get home, at least he'll be alert.

the cots in my hospital were adjustable - so I just made sure the cot was the same height as my bed and i was able to move myself to lift them.

I know its a scary time, but honestly, the sleep deprivation is a killer, people will tell you this, bit you honestly until you are living it, you cant understand it.
with your husband going home, it gives you a fighting chance at being able to tag team and both getting some sleep when you are home

I would say in a private room which likely has a reclining chair at the least if they encourage partners to stay I would want him to stay.

I am a midwife and although it is busy (and my hospital is 4 bedded bays) we are often there to just help get babies out of cots ect. But I would just say that if he stays he has to help. I have no problem helping women who is alone, I will be there as much as needed with no problem. But when the partner has stayed for "support" but just snores all night, I am called to get baby out and into cot, help bottle feed a baby, change nappies, have to lean over the sleeping partner to turn the buzzer off, get water from the water fountain ect, All stuff they stayed to support with, it is really frustrating to both the woman and the staff.

But you are in no way unreasonable for wanting him to stay. .

I personally wanted mine to go home to sleep but that was before reclining chairs. I didn't have a CS but I had a spinal for post birth complications so was immobile and couldn't move. I just buzzed to help me with baby overnight and had no problems but I appreciate this isn't always what happens. If an emergency is ongoing, they are going to prioritise that over a ringing buzzer. They will have to prioritise the workload and unfortunately it isn't always the ringing buzzer.

Honestly, these answers seriously?
1 nsec in cramlington has private rooms and is NHS
2 men are encouraged to stay
3 I give birth last year, my partner was given a fold out bed and pillow and blanket and we had a en suite
4 give birth there 7 yrs earlier, no partner to help staff didn't always come when I buzzed and if you were alone you couldn't leave the room, after a week (as trying to breast feed but no milk and baby screaming constantly) I lost the fucking plot after days of no sleep
I hope your partner stays as 2nd baby I had a difficult delivery with some paralysis ,yet the experience was much better as I wasn't alone.
Also all rooms in the birthing centre are private, men can't walk into other rooms and they had a security guard at the entrance

Agree with you. I’d rather have a rested partner who can help me when ai am discharged rather than a grumpy arse who has a bad back and been up all night on a hard chair.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I had a straight forward and smooth VB and I was still in bits when DH left the hospital. I didn't sleep a wink because of the anxiety and worrying about the baby, and after giving birth I do feel everything should be done to give mum the rest she deserves.... I don't know why husbands sleep and comfort is always prioritised after birth!