AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

He sounds an absolute Gem. 💎
My Dh came for visits, but back then, there wasn't the option for men to stay.

I hate some of these replies. I had an ELCS for DC2 and partners were allowed to stay. This was not a private room situ, this was on a ward, each with 4 beds. We had 2 nights and there and every woman in the bay had their partner with them. I would have felt desperately sorry for any woman whose partner chose not to stay with them if they had the choice.

My DH was a huge help and also it was special bonding time for him and DC2.

Sleep is something he will have to sacrifice for a long time once baby is home so it is ridiculous that he is trying to winkle himself out of supporting you in the hours following major abdominal surgery.

I had Ds2 in 2008 at Liverpool Womens. Out after 48 hours.

OP, the first night I scarcely moved. Midwives brought baby to me and changed him as I was still on a catheter. Second night was far harder - expected to crack on with feeding, winding and changing, and I wished I’d insisted on going home as I would have had DH to help.

Will you really be expected to pick baby up the first night? If do, then yes, your DH needs to stay.

For all those on here who have no idea what they’re talking about - OP will have a surgical wound over 6 inches long. She will scarcely be able to walk a few steps that first night. It is very very different from a vaginal birth even one with tearing. I speak from experience. I managed fine on DS1’s first night. No way could I had done so on DS2’s first night.

Yes this. I had a catheter in all night, I was expected to walk down the corridor carrying the heavy bag to empty it, no way I could manage. Not just physically but emotionally I needed dh too, my baby was very ooorly in nicu, I hadn’t seen him. I was in a ward full of babies and would have been in pieces laying there alone without my dh or baby.

My local hospital is all private rooms, they do exist!

Personally I was happy for DH to go home after both my sections, I wanted him to have a decent nights sleep so he could be more use when we got home and actually I quite enjoyed our little postnatal bubble, just me and baby.

But, if I had wanted him to stay then he would have done, no questions asked. So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. You'll have just given birth to his child, he should agree to whatever you think will help you the most!

Honestly what on earth is with some of the replies to this? Some women are seriously calling the OP a drama queen or dramatic?? And not to mention so many not reading the post and thinking she’s on a shared ward when she’s stated she’s in a private room and partners can stay.

Some have been replying questioning if partners can stay overnight even if it’s a private room, this is a thing in some hospitals. I’m due to be induced myself this weekend and my north east hospital has private rooms and partners can stay the whole time you’re there, and they have a pull out bed in the room for themselves

OP, I’m sorry for some of the responses you’ve received. I have no clue why some women want to drag others down, but can see a lot of people replying basically complaining about their own mardy experiences and therefore not thinking you need the support. I say go for it!

OP is going to be in a private room in a maternity unit that will probably be short staffed, as most are in this country. I remember 1 midwife on the floor for about 30 new mums after I had my last DC.

IF OP is going to be stuck in that bed, alone in a room, after a C section which will mean she can't get up and easily get help/support, then her husband should stay with her int hat room which he's being encouraged by all to do. She will need support and help AND she wants him there, so he should be there. It's called stepping up and he needs to do so here.

I had an emergency c-section - the midwife said it was fine to lift anything that wasn't heavier than the baby, until the stitches were gone. Honestly I had no
soreness or pain, so I didn't need assistance lifting DC.
Staying in overnight, some of the fathers had decided to stay on, but they had no beds, so slept uncomfortably in chairs and some of them snored. One of them kept faffing about with the windows, and letting a draught in. Honestly I wished they'd all just buggered off home and let us get some peace. DH went home, got some sleep, got a shower came back the next morning, awake and rested.

He is pretty amazing! We only had a private room due to my disability and they let him stay as I often can't get myself out of bed when not heavily pregnant/post c-section so we knew I'd need loads of help. Pretty sure they only agreed to arrange it because it would free up the midwives and other staff for their actual jobs rather than caring for me all the time but I really think it should be standard! Being alone on a ward with a newborn post surgery sounds horrendous to me.

OP, please ignore the people making you feel awful. You are doing your best in a stressful situation and it's stressful even when everything is perfect let alone worrying about everything you are! I hope your husband stays with you but either way I wish you a safe and calm birth experience and a speedy recovery. ❤️

@Netball01
Are you able to post this query anonymously on a local FB group?

I am not sure you will get any salient advice from this thread as it's pretty obvious that your local NHS set up of private rooms and DPs actively encouraged to stay is NOT the norm.

I had an EMCS. My DH definitely could NOT stay overnight but we were on wards - the private rooms were over £1k per night!!

Oh god forbid a man ever have little to no sleep while caring for a newborn!

my dh stayed with me around the clock during a three day labor in the US. And he stayed with me snd the baby after the birth too. Because it was a goddamned honor and privilege to do so.

Of course you are not being unreasonable @Netball01 !! He is the unreasonable one wanting to go home for a nice nights kip. My husband slept in his car overnight when me and baby had to stay in (and he cried too) because he was so worried about being away from us.

Foot down time! He comes and if he has a shit nights sleep then that will be sad but at least his wife won't be struggling after major surgery with a new baby.

You haven’t said whether the private room has a bed for him to sleep in? This really matters in this situation, as most of them only have a chair for the partner, which is non conducive to them getting much sleep.

My dd was kept in for 2 nights after giving birth. Her dh stayed the first night, but was totally exhausted as he couldn’t sleep on the chair (he’s a big guy). I stayed with dd the second night, so he could get some rest and prepare things for the baby coming home. This was definitely better as he wasn’t as tired, so ready to take over a lot of the caring when dd and dgd went home.

Don't you get private rooms and a separate bed for the birth partner in the US?

In the NHS you are lucky if you get a hard chair to sit in, anything above that is amazing.

She has a private

I was the last c section of the day and spent the entire night paralysed from the waist down from the spinal block. Dp was kicked out by the midwives at 11pm but luckily they were all lovely and very happy to pass me the baby etc. If we'd had a private room he absolutely would have stayed, no question.

It’s one night !!! If you’re worried about sleep deprivation and driving safety after a rubbish sleep for one night….. I have news for you…. a baby will induce sleep deprivation

You are so far from being unreasonable. Why would he not want to stay?
I've had two elcs and couldn't have managed alone, like you it was private rooms.
We had health care assistants coming with paracetamol (lol) every 4 hours but no actual help with baby. I had a catheter in most of the day so couldn't really move around even after the feeling came back in your legs.
I would not be able to look at my husband the same way if I had asked for support and he refused. He's a selfish twat.

I wonder if the women saying partner should leave haven't had babies recently. I had babies in 2017 and 2021. My 2017 baby, I got a bit of help from midwives. Second DC, no help whatsoever for anyone. If I'd had a section I'd have been desperate for DH to stay over. I ended up helping the woman next to me a fair bit. Maternity wards really aren't set up to help out women once they've given birth anymore sadly. If your trust encourages men to stay, I'd imagine it's because they know this.

One thing to consider if partners don't have a bed if staying/hanging around for discharge is their quality of sleep vs lack of sleep. DD was born at 6am so both of us had been up all night. He then stayed all day because they kept saying they'd discharge us before lunchtime. We were 30+ minutes away from the hospital. By the time we were finally discharged at 7pm he had gone over 36 hours with no sleep. It was only when we were making decisions for DS birth that he admitted he shouldn't have driven us home and it felt incredibly unsafe for him to do so. Obviously I know these things slip our minds as we've had a major event but just a consideration. There's a big difference between broken sleep and no sleep.

@Netball01 it's your first C-section, your hospital has issues according to the CQC and you would like some support and reassurance - it doesn't seem unreasonable to hope for that support and reassurance from your DH. Especially if you know he could have his own bed in your room without impacting upon other mums.

I think it can be easy sometimes for those of us who've done it before to forget how daunting the prospect can be.

If it helps reassure you, I was up and about really quickly post-section and was absolutely fine physically for looking after DC that first night. It actually worked out well that my DH couldn't stay... It turned out that DC didn't sleep and didn't like not being held, so DH having some sleep at night meant I could then sleep during the day when DH was there.

It was a reclining chair for the birthing partner to sleep in . Very big, leather, nearly flat when reclined and very padded. Absolutely doable especially for one night

I've had a C-section and a vaginal birth. I was absolutely fine after the vaginal birth and my husband went home to look after our eldest. I loved being in the hospital on my own with my baby (like you I had a private room). But after the C-section I really did need the extra support, getting up, moving around and picking up my baby. I'm glad my husband was there. If you have a private room then I think he should stay.

@Netball01 I had an ELCS and my DH wasn’t allowed to stay overnight, I was in for two nights and the catheter was only removed the morning of discharge! I coped, but if I could have had DH stay it would have been much easier. The fact they positively encourage partners to stay is enough for me to say that he needs to stay and it’s not up for debate. You will have your own room, and your DH will be able to rest, whilst also being a physical and mental support for you. Having a positive birth experience cannot be underestimated. Good luck