If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

Why do some sahms think everyone works in an office? I appreciate you don’t work but you must know other jobs exist?

Have you heard of the NHS? It’s a big employer. I imagine at the end of my life I might possibly find it rewarding that as a doctor

Plenty of staff in the NHS work in offices payroll, procurement, HR etc.

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

Yes, although I do work in an office the limited imagination on display is awesome.

I also work in an office (half the week).

Its a lovely, very sociable place. Nothing “impersonal” about it. I really enjoy it.

Why has “the office” come to symbolise boredom? You can be bored on a construction site or a restaurant or indeed at home with your kids.

But somehow the office has become this totem of female enslavement. And the only approved way to have fun is with your children and a hand-picked group of other SAHMs.

From people who haven’t worked a day in their lives and don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s such bullshit. I’m so tired of it.

Why has “the office” come to symbolise boredom? You can be bored on a construction site or a restaurant or indeed at home with your kids. But somehow the office has become this totem of female enslavement. And the only approved way to have fun is with your children and a hand-picked group of other SAHMs.

I love my office job!

Exactly. I work in an office and enjoy it. I have colleagues from a wide variety of backgrounds who are interesting to talk to and socialise with, the office is in a nice area of London, we are lucky enough to have a very good subsidised canteen and access to a lot of training and development opportunities.

My office job is great.

There's a woman like OP at work, although she does work because she has to she's constantly banging on about how the way she does things is always the best way and she's horrified the way other parents allow their children to do normal things like eat sweets in moderation.

It's so annoying and boring and I actually feel sorry for her kid. We all call her mother superior in a mocking fashion, we certainly don't admire her or regret all of our parenting decisions.

These women don't seem to realise that no one admires them they find them annoying. And it's hilarious to see how pissy they get when you do something better than them 😂

You must have met some unusual men. I still can't imagine most normal men agreeing at the dating stage to bankroll someone whose stated aim is to be a kept woman.

i don’t think unusual. Some men really aren’t very attractive and struggle to find a woman who wants to be with them, so they’d prob agree to this, if it meant their house cleaned, food made and sex.

It is. However the people whose stated aim is to be a kept woman even once their children are in school won't care about that.

Perhaps the odd man here and there has so little self respect he's prepared to be taken for a mug like that.

I think also some men really get off on the idea of being the provider

Oh yes. That is apparently what the OP interprets as he finds it really masculine. It rather makes me wonder about the self esteem of men like that.

Agree with these office comments. There is an impression of office life being stuck in the 80s with yuppies and briefcases. The workplace has changed quite a bit. Not everywhere of course. But the idea that fulfilling and rewarding work can’t be done in offices is odd. Never mind friendships forged with colleagues.

On MN I am often struck by how small some people’s lives are.

I'm pleasantly surprised by the nu ber of posters who want to work here.

I don't know why the OP thinks the world owes her a living - we pay our taxes to pay our way. And given that, statistically, most teachers and nurses are female, what does she think would happen if they all adopted her attitude.

There are definitely people in some circumstances where they can't work because of caring responsibilities, health etc but, in the absence of such circumstances, I don't understand why women would put themselves in that situation. I have a friend who doesn't work because she doesn't want to miss out on "mum things" - her kids are at school - it's totally disingenuous.

I’m a single parent to multiple teens and I have always worked full time since they were babies (and then some extra in a very demanding career) and to be honest OP I wholeheartedly agree with you…

Men should be providers and women should be nurturers.

Unfortunately i will never be in your position, I’m too far down the line of independence 😂 but I honestly do envy it. Enjoy your set up!

I will be teaching my DS to spot and avoid women like the OP. I don’t want him to run himself into the ground or have to stay in a job he hates to ‘keep’ another grown adult.

I personally always think it's a red flag when a man is actively keen for their wife to be economically inactive. It always suggests a desire to control them to me.

I don't feel that way about men who are happy to support their wife's desire to be a SAHM but just when a man is really keen for a woman to give up work and be dependent on him

YABU. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM while your children are little if that's what works for your family, but imo a man being attracted to 'a woman who can run the home' is a big red flag, and a woman who chooses a man like that (or who makes herself entirely and possible permanently dependent on him) is very foolish.

She can't work cos of health but she is reframing it as a lifestyle choice.

There are many people I know who have jobs on paper but in reality work little because they can afford to. The reality is that if you have access to capital via your family or spouse, you are better off than someone on 30 or 40k (but high rent and large mortgage) in many situations . OP could totally reframe her identity though, say she has her own reiki healing business or pet sitting business which she balances with her child's schedule and switching out seasonal wardrobes and no one here would give her any grief.

Many businesses or freelancers are not v successful but that doesn't mean they aren't still working (even if it's just an hour a week which makes it more of a hobby or side hustle).

Issue is about identity here, perhaps if OP worked it may be more of a hobby or vanity project so she chooses to identify as a housewife because she regards it as face saving in her life situation where most of her family are successful business people so she gets more cred for being a housewife than a business person. However in a different setting I.e. mumsnet, what people here value is someone making the effort to be involved in work outside the home even if they don't earn much.

I'd hate that in a man. It screams self esteem issues.

@Glitterybee

Men and women should both be providers and nurturers.

Fixed for you.

Well I hope you can find your heart to work when your 'financially attractive' man runs away with a young attractive woman.
Don't say he would NEVER do that coz you sort his seasonal clothes or whatever.
It can. It does.

Until he leaves her and she has nowt but skills to sort seasonal.clothes.

@exprecis

I personally always think it's a red flag when a man is actively keen for their wife to be economically inactive. It always suggests a desire to control them to me.

Totally. Men like this are usually thin-skinned and insecure.

If the only thing you have going for you is you pay the bills it doesn’t speak highly of your character, personality, intelligence or sex appeal.

The whole notion of any human being 'kept' is extraordinary. We are not pets.

Same with that other odd suggestion trotted out from time to time: that grown, able-bodied men somehow need 'looking after'.

They are not children. And frankly, if either sex demographic has looking after itself down to a fine art, it's men.

There's something strangely infantalising about this whole rhetoric.

@sunshinesparklestar

The more you post, the more bizarre.

Most people on high salaries actually have a lot of freedom.

Not sure what you think constitutes "most people" given that many, many high earners work very long hours, often with extensive travel, and frequently have deadlines which dictate their schedules.

My DH actually likes the fact he can support me, he finds that attractive and masculine.

Problem for you is there is an endless number of women he could choose to spend his life supporting, whereas the pool of men for you to pull from is very much limited.