If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I was a SAHM for quite a long time and I have a DH that can support us all financially but I'm so so glad that I was lucky enough to slot back into my profession that is pretty male dominated and as a consequence ordinarily hard to re-enter after a long break as I would never want that long term. Besides, you sound like you have young children, teenage DC I have found don't want you ever present, they like the empty house they can bring their friends home to after college whilst the parents are both at work.

No one will probably read this thread long enough to get to my comment but I once was a sahm then part time work then full time and now almost full time. Evey time I leave for work or come home from work I see the same women running in my neighborhood…twice a day! The sahm whose kids are post college now. And I think jeeezzus I’m so glad I have a job and something else to do besides running everyday.

Looking back over this thread, I wonder how much of her attitude is the OP reacting to what seems to be some pretty serious neglect by her parents.

They are a well off couple to the point they can financially support a daughter and SIL but they have apparently done nothing to get any sort of treatment for a daughter who has ADHD to the point she is incapable of holding down a job. That’s not good parenting.

I am most definitely getting vibes of parents who think money substitutes for actual parenting - hence why the OP thinks working mothers are incapable of looking after their children - because hers was and she has to think that’s the way it is for all working mothers or face up to her mistreatment by her family..

Before anyone says anything, if that’s correct the OP’s father is equally to blame but for some reason she seems to have internalised that everything to do with the home and family is down to the woman only. It suggests some really toxic family relationships as she grew up.

Do you have any self-respect?

My partner could support me and my son if needed. It's not.

He's also trans. I'll let him know he's reached pinnacle masculinity by making enough money.

FINALLY mumsnet accepts him as the man he is.

Sarcasm, sarcasm, and more sarcasm.

The women gets to keep all her career earnings and need not worry about bills etc because the husband provides for his wife.

Just don’t look, at my husband that way. I would have found it deeply unattractive if he was incapable as a parent or acted like he didn’t know where the sink is.

I’m a SAHM and I definitely don’t look at DH this way, when we met his TV was broken and he couldn’t afford to replace it. He was still a good pick, he’s a great husband and brilliant dad. That means a lot to me. How he makes me feel is more important than money.

OP don't turn into botox Betty when you age in the desperate attempt to keep your man.

As time goes on more and more younger women may find it attractive to have a man to fund them. Your man.

Actual no. This is a cultural expectation. Religiously the man must provide separate accommodation

So as I originally said you are nothing but lazy.

Good lord. She’s autistic. Not adhd.

No it is not. The OP has said some ridiculous things which are an insult to the brilliant, brave women who have fought for our rights. Most egregious was the comment about her husband being "masculine" because he's the provider (I'm paraphrasing). It's nothing to do with stay at home mums. It's the OP's appalling 1950's attitude.

Op has said she has ADHD and couldn't hold down a job due to it. There's no mention of autism.

No, you are mistaken.

OP said in her second post “I have ADHD and really struggle to hold down a job (I always have done) I was diagnosed as a child.” There is no disclosure of an autism diagnosis.

Precisely! And @andbytheway Your defensive stance of calling 'working women' bitchy, petty and insecure doesn't exactly paint you in a great light!

I felt this - OPs post is ridiculous and obviously totally misplaced or trolling - but the responses about SAHM has got to me a little as I’m a SAHM ( was a professional earning well) but now due to DH working abroad , no family support to enable me to work , a child with additional needs ect and everything on me I don’t work. After reading the responses from the other women I’m now feeling very vulnerable. So on that note anyone know of part time jobs from around 10-2 everyday term time only ?!

Perhaps your neighbour feels sorry for you?! I know I love going into the office, always learning, being in a stimulating environment where you’re challenged and achieving something for yourself. It’s rewarding.

Not saying being a SAHM isn’t rewarding before anyone takes my head off…

As for finding a man who couldn’t afford to solely financially support his family unattractive, I mean it’s nice knowing he could if necessary but there are so many more important qualities I would want in a man over it.

I’m really sorry you’re right, and I’m being grumpy.

I was thinking autism as a way to maybe justify her thoughts, but bloody hell looks like she’s just an arse.

Got married 10 years ago now so 🤷‍♀️

Being a stay at home is equally if not more rewarding. And on my deathbed, the only important thing to me will be those I love - not some impersonal office with people floating in and out.

Totally agree

@andbytheway

Stop trying to spin this as being an attack on SAHMs. It’s really dishonest to position it like this.

This thread was started by someone who said she has pity for women who work and have their own money? Seriously?

If a thread had been started entitled: “I feel sorry for SAHMs,” you would have kicked back and who would have blamed you?

No one with self respect is going to sit and take that goady, patronising and stupid rhetoric without a fight.

The thought of not having my own career and earning potential actually makes me feel unwell with anxiety. I could not. Thankfully I earn well enough to be able to afford to work part time so I get the best of both worlds, a stimulating enjoyable career while my toddler is in nursery and I get to enjoy my days off with her mid week too. I wouldn't have it any other way. I may go back full time when she starts school, or I am may not. But I need that security of knowing I've got my career there. I simply couldn't function any other way.

I DO NOT have pity for women who work!! I love the fact women work and can work if they want to, women have fought so hard to be able to do this.

I said I feel sorry for women whose heart wants to be in the home for whatever reason that may be, but they are unable to do so due to the economic pressure these days (husband naturally not earning enough to support family)

It's been blown completely out of proportion and some of these comments on here are really anxiety provoking to women who don't deserve this anxiety.

That….doesn’t change the point?

Edited to say: and I’ve just checked the OP’s posts and she definitely says ADHD. I can’t see any mention of autism.