If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

@Josephinesnapoleon

I also wonder what on earth possessed her. When you’ve shameful mysogynisitc thoghts about women. why the fuck would you come onto a board with millions of women and share them.

I can’t presume to know but my best guess is the OP thought she was going to get a pat on the back from people for “telling it like it is”. And get a little serotonin hit from it.

Theres some genuinely anti SAHM rhetoric on here sometimes and the OP may have been deliberately trying to trigger the people who feel patronised by some of the more strident proponents of women needing to work.

The whole thread is a deeply unedifying trollfest. I would like to think we have moved beyond this sly shit-slinging at women for circumstances they largely can’t control but apparently not.

I just personally don't want to run myself in to the ground if I don't have/need to. I quite like my coffee in peace at 11am on a Tuesday

Ahh see the key here is finding a job that you love, and that doesn't require you to "run yourself into the ground". That way you get to feel fulfilled AND sip a nice Starbucks at 11am whilst responding to emails, while your child has fun at nursery. Win win. 😅

Well I feel massively sorry for you!

If this is true then isn’t your argument “AIBU to wish one average salary could support a family?” What if the husbands heart desires to be in the home and he wishes the woman could fully support him? Don’t dress up your backwards bullshit as economic concern.

Neanderthal!!

Is that what the world of work is to you? An "impersonal office with people floating in and out"? How very strange. You sound very unworldly and certainly from another era.
I met my husband at work. And he is considerably richer than yours!

If my daughters came out with this shite I'd think I'd raised them very wrong. Fucking hell.

there is also some significant anti working, the shit I’ve read,,why pay someone else to raise your kids nonsense, and the op is a prime example. So fucking bored and detached from reality she felt an urge to come on line and tell folks how she pitied women who worked and found men who could keep women attractive. Its grim.

and yes I think she thought she’d get a pat on the back and you’re so lucky. Not realising millions of us are strong independent women, who don’t judge or pity, and feel repulsed by women who do,

OP I feel like you have written a post about how much you love your life and can't understand why anyone else wouldn't want it too? And the reactions is that lots of women don't want to spend the day doing the things you do and are not missing out at all.

As a single parent I always thought about what it would be like to be a stay at home mum, then work put me on furlough during lockdown and I missed work so much, it made me want career progression even more (which resulted in me doubling my wage in 4yrs).

I truly cannot think of anything worse than doing boring chores all day like housework prepping meals and doing the washing when the bulk of it can be done alongside work and I can continue to pay my cleaners. My kids are teenagers (13&17) and very often out with friends or sports clubs that no longer require me to be there. If I didn't have stuff outside of the house like work, my social life, exercise, my boyfriend etc I think I would be at a complete loss as my children grow up and become more independent.

@Lovelylilylane

Being a stay at home is equally if not more rewarding. And on my deathbed, the only important thing to me will be those I love - not some impersonal office with people floating in and out.

😂

Tell us you know nothing at all about work without telling us you know Jack all about work.

This “on my deathbed” thing is such a hoary old cliche but it means nothing and it’s not true.

Far more women are likely to regret not having their own money than they are to have missed another couple of years singing “wind the bobbin up.”

I wouldn't want to rely on a dh to support me financially. I find your attitude outdated

@Josephinesnapoleon

there is also some significant anti working, the shit I’ve read,,why pay someone else to raise your kids nonsense

There most certainly is. Day in, day out.

See also:

You’ll never get the time back (no shit, Sherlock)
No one on their deathbed regrets not having worked harder (not true)
People who enjoy work are dull, corporate automatons who can’t think of anything else to do. (Embarrassingly bitter and untrue).
You should have chosen your partner better.
”It works for our little family”. Cringe.

Etc etc. A festival of awful cliches.

It is also the case that a certain element likes telling women who stay at home they never “use their brains”. Which is equally patronising and insulting and doesn’t do much to help the cause of working mums.

Ok, but OP wasn’t being satiric 🙄

Why do some sahms think everyone works in an office? I appreciate you don’t work but you must know other jobs exist?

Have you heard of the NHS? It’s a big employer. I imagine at the end of my life I might possibly find it rewarding that as a doctor I have helped many people lead better lives. No regrets.

@CalmingFarm

Why do some sahms think everyone works in an office? I appreciate you don’t work but you must know other jobs exist?

It’s so irritating isn’t it?

Also everyone wears shoulder pads and carries a briefcase and thumps the boardroom table for emphasis. The ignorance is breathtaking.

As you rightly say, if everyone “raised their own kids” (in the SAHM jargon), the NHS would not be able to function.

Well I think we can safely conclude that the OP is getting exactly what they aimed for from this thread

Yes, although I do work in an office the limited imagination on display is awesome.

And as for this "I'm so much more of a caring and loving person than you" bragging And on my deathbed, the only important thing to me will be those I love - not some impersonal office with people floating in and out.

Even office jobs can be fulfilling!

It depends on what you do. I have an office role that I think genuinely makes a difference.

Also part of having children is providing for them.

If either of us quit our jobs we could survive but if we both work, our children can have nice things, great holidays, help to get through university, and a house deposit. Those things are important too.

I am sure someone will tell me that all children really want is our time but honestly our kids get plenty of that. They do wraparound 3 days a week, holiday club for maybe 10-12 days a year, they enjoy those things so what are they really missing out on?

Or that work isn't meaningful.

I work in regulated services - mainly essential infrastructure - my work ensures the services we all rely on for good quality of life are there for decades to come.

So not a meaningless office job

Ask yourself, op, how you'd feel, if most men found it unattractive if a woman couldnt/wouldn't support them to not work & stay at home with a family.

How would you feel, as a woman not able or willing to bear that burden

I think a lot of women with young children don't realise that children grow up and leave sooner than you think. These days, they may emigrate to Australia.
So may husbands. Or die.

You may then regret putting all your eggs in one emotional basket.

Confused. You were attracted to your husband even though he couldn't afford to 'keep you' in the beginning.

So you were attracted to him

I suppose it depends where you self worth lie and how you value it.

I always wanted to be in position if dh walked away tomorrow that my life wouldn't financially fall apart. So I kept working as as my career gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment that I can't find in something else.

Er, I know.