If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

@dreamer24

The thought of not having my own career and earning potential actually makes me feel unwell with anxiety.

I feel like this too. Absolutely terrifies me.

My mum basically stopped working after having children and she was so wretchedly unhappy in her dependence.

My dad had affairs and was bad with money so our household finances were like a rollercoaster and she was utterly trapped. They stayed together and in their own way made the marriage work (and they did love each other) but I am fairly sure if she had had her own career she would have left. This was the 70s and harder than it was now I guess.

The sense of pent up frustration and the feeling of her constantly having to smooth over awful behaviour has stayed with me for life and subconsciously it’s hard wired me to feel total terror of the idea of that kind of dependence.

Not all marriages are like this obviously but why on earth would you risk it?

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

DH would have to earn a lot to achieve our lifestyle & even more to ensure I was also financially independent. Where did your security come from @sunshinesparklestar?

And it would be unlikely we would have either same lifestyle as his job would be very demanding & we wouldn’t spend as much time together/with the dad. And yes I know there are jobs that pay 250k plus for 25 hours but they are not typical.

I also think it’s a lot of pressure on one persons shoulders to be the sole earner.

A lot of the comments on here are anxiety provoking to women who don’t deserve this anxiety.

Pretty much all of yours where you basically claim working mothers don’t care for their children properly for a start.

@Thepeopleversuswork
Absolutely agree with you. As I said, I'm lucky that I've worked my way far enough up the ladder in my sector to be able to afford to work part time since much return from maternity leave and I may or may not increase to FT once she starts school. But what matters to me is the option is there and the security of a well paid career to fall back on. I do feel like I've got the best of both worlds in that sense - my stimulating career that I love and days off with my toddler to break up the working week. I get not every working mum is that lucky so I do feel in a fortunate position. But despite how much I love my days off with my daughter, I could never ever give up my career entirely. Nothing on earth could persuade me that's a sensible move.

this Is the goady shite you said

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them

specifically you stated you feel sorry for women who want to work.

I thought you were autistic, significantly so, and as such couldn’t understand what you were writing, and why it was so wrong.

but you don’t. You just don’t wish or want to work and wanted to feel superior to other women who do. Tragic.

What is so wrong with wanting to be at home so I can easily attend all my child's school events, drop to school and pick up, be the first to hear about their day, cook them dinner and put them to bed.

DH & I do these things though despite working, granted I’m p/t. Lots of working parents do.

You literally said:

“totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.”

In black and white, you pity women who work. You can’t have this both ways.

If you come on here and patronise and insult well over half the people on this board you don’t get to squirm out of it with weasel words and cod feminism

Your bigotry is showing. Either go away and think about why you have upset so many people or just own being a bigot. Stop trying to make it look like the mean girls are misunderstanding you.

I DO NOT have pity for women who work!!

There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

You literally said this, OP ☝🏻

Feeling sorry for someone is the very definition of pitying them.

Why are you wasting your time feeling sorry for that mum? She probably loves her stimulating career and retaining that sense of identity outside of being a mum. She might pity you; that you don't have those things?

I also said I know the woman and she doesn't want to work but she has to! She does not enjoy her career.

Yep, was going to point out the same! My daughter has regular parent 'stay and play' sessions at nursery throughout the year and I manage to attend those using my non working days or annual leave. It's hardly rocket science or a logistical nightmare. And I see many working parents at them, too.

I also funnily enough manage to have in depth conversations with my toddler about her day at nursery over dinner after nursery, during bath time, or at bedtime. All of which are done after my working day which ends at 4pm. I even manage to relax myself a bit on an evening after I've done all that.

I love my life and the balance I've managed to achieve with a demanding career and motherhood. I don't need anyone's pity, trust me on that 😂

In that case you're confusing two issues.

AIBU to feel sorry for anyone with a job they don't enjoy but they have to do it because they can't afford not to? No, that's not unreasonable.

AIBU to only find a man attractive if his wage means a woman doesn't have to work herself? Entirely different question.

And the number of comments you've made about putting your own child to bed and feeding them, sorting out their clothes, as if working mothers somehow can't manage this? 🙄

But you’re doing it again. You said clearly that you pity women who work and now you are trying to go: “oh but I only mean Mrs Miggins at 14b.”

It’s dishonest. You look down on working mums because you think you have won the man lottery and you started a stealth brag post. You thought people were going to tip up to say: “Lucky you with your great husband.”

Either learn something from this or keep your pity to yourself but stop trying to get out of it.

I also said I know the woman and she doesn't want to work but she has to! She does not enjoy her career.

But why have you extrapolated that to everyone else? I feel sorry for people in loveless marriages, or someone in relationship with an addict etc but that’s not every marriage or relationship.

I would also feel sorry for your friend

People think it has to be the term time during school hours only. But really with kids with AN
It needs to be before and after school hours when dad's home. That way days are kept free for illness and unexpected stuff. That's how I managed to navigate 3 with SN and still work.

Put the guilty feelings away, we can only play with the hand we've been dealt and you're not in a position to work right now

This! 👏👏

It does make you wonder about the OP’s parents since she says they both worked. She seems to think it’s either / or - either work or pay attention to your children. Since she has never worked, that’s coming from somewhere.

The fact that almost all working mothers manage to do both seems to have
passed her by.

Okay the seasonal wardrobe part is quite laughable, but it still requires a parent to go through the children's clothes and organise them and work out what they need depending on the season? Do other people not organise their children's wardrobe and do a seasonal switch over?

😆😆😆😆

Wtf, No I don’t do a seasonal switch over for my dc unless you count rummaging at the back of the wardrobe for a hat & gloves & we don’t really have huge weather extremes here. Plus I’ve worked in fashion for years!

*It’s dishonest. You look down on working mums because you think you have won the man lottery and you started a stealth brag post. You thought people were going to tip up to say: “Lucky you with your great husband.”

Either learn something from this or keep your pity to yourself but stop trying to get out of it.*

This!!

@TheJones I don’t have an issue with SAHMs & for your life it makes sense.

I too admire strong independent woman who make their own money.

You have to be strong and independent to have a job?

I also wonder what on earth possessed her. When you’ve shameful mysogynisitc thoghts about women. why the fuck would you come onto a board with millions of women and share them.

op, did you think we would all be going lucky uou, me too? Are you out of your mind or so removed from reality ?

I like my coffee in peace some mornings as well. I just have it with a laptop and emails to work through, so?

People are different, and if your marriage works for you, great. I am a single parent and have been for many years and I count myself lucky that social norms have changed so that women can have a range of decent employment with various employment protections in place, which were not available as little as fifty years ago.

I just personally don't want to run myself in to the ground if I don't have/need to. I quite like my coffee in peace at 11am on a Tuesday

Working doesn’t have to mean running yourself into the ground though!

I either have my tea at work with colleagues & on my day off it will be either with a friend or with DH if he’s wfh.

Do other people not organise their children's wardrobe and do a seasonal switch over?

🤣🤣🤣

Yes, it takes all of an hour, twice a year.
Leaving 8,758 ish hours of the year for me to do other things like work and enjoy my days off with my child 👍🏻