Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

Exactly. The OP is so obsessed she can only think of the one positive set of outcomes.

Your DS at approx 18 years old with not be remotely interested in a new baby. He will almost be like a parent to it himself not a brother because he’s now an adult.

Being brutal, if you and dh die young, the burden of your desperation will fall upon your older child. Your posts are very clear what you want, how you feel and how you will cope - what effect will there be on your existing child and your partner. Are they on board?

Few teens yearn for a much younger sibling!

I think you’re projecting your wishes onto your teen and are being unrealistic about your prospects of having a baby and the various risks to you, the DC and the rest of your family of trying to.

Hell no. Never. I was 38 when I had DS and that was a struggle.

My husbands mum was 47 when she had him. He ended up being her carer and he had a shitty teenage hood then has to cope with being without parents at the age of 21

Its selfish

The possibility of a disabled child too, that will become the siblings responsibility.

But OP wants, wants, wants.

So what makes you think any amount of children will fill it?

What happens when you feel exactly the same after and want another one?

Maybe you should look into fostering.

OP posted and said "would you do this at 47". 99.9% have people have came here and said no. You then come on and say "don't listen to people on this thread".

You've literally said yourself you wouldn't have planned it, you have no freedom in your 50s and you're back doing school runs at a time when absolutely none of us would want that.

Just curious why OP should immediately not listen to any of our opinions and only listen to yours?

Ah that’s crazy I had both of mine in my early 20s and feel very very young compared to the other parents, luckily my children don’t seem bothered by it or seem to notice any difference.

Demographics can play a part here. When my DC was born I was 43 as a first time mum. Most of my fellow NCT mums were circa 5 years younger. I guess that probably made it easier.

May I adk why you have this view ?? Thank you !

No, I wouldn't.
There are a lot of risk for you and the baby.
I couldn't deliberately do something knowing of those risks.

If it happened naturally, that's a different situation.

For what it's worth, I can't have children naturally and risk to both me and the baby would be extremely high so IVF is out (clinics advised against it & I didn't explore overseas options for that reason.

I'm 40, it's not going to change. I've had to make my peace with it. Many women do. People survive without the family they had originally envisaged in their head.

No. I’d think of the child rather than my own desire especially given it would be child 2.

I stopped trying for number 2 at 44, that was my cut off age. My the age difference between DC and my age were the reasons. Also the % of successful conception using IUI or IVF reduces with age.

Absolutely not. I’m 55 and my children are away from home now. I’m enjoying this new, freer stage of life: having an eight year old at home with us now would be exhausting and restricting. Id also be very worried about the hugely increased chances of having a disabled child.

God no, by the time they're 20 you'd be nearly 70 that's just selfish of you.

If OP was younger then I’d think nothing of a 7 year age gap.
I think you can be close siblings with a large age gap.

But I think in OPs circumstances, the age gap should be part of her decision.

If her first is under 4, then she might as well have another one.

If they’re much older, then not only will there be a chance that the siblings won’t be as close but it also means that OP is starting over again.

My Dsis has a child in year 11 and has decided to try again for another baby.

She is younger than the OP but it would mean starting all over again with nursery, primary and secondary school and not having any independence for another 16+ years.

I just don’t know why anyone would want to do that to themselves.

OP, I wouldn't do it just to feel "complete". I have 4 but I would still have another as I don't feel "complete" - however, I know I couldn't have anymore because 1) it wouldn't be fair to my other children to share me more than they already have to, 2) the cost!! 3) my health is already suffering and I'm in pain daily (I'm only 35). What I'm saying is, you might never feel complete, even with another, and that's okay! Appreciate what you have.

Also some people will use this sort of thing to be perpetually sad and miserable. It’s like they cannot be glass half full, they must be glass half empty, always feeling mournful and down.

go and speak to someone OP. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

They won’t judge you but they will help unpick the wound inside you currently unhealed and preventing you from moving on and deciding properly what to do.

Please do try and find a good counsellor and have a few sessions. You need someone impartial. You may need to try more than one person to get the right fit but it’s really worthwhile getting that sounding board and sorting out what’s going on.

They will help you decide one way or the other,

Nope.

Each to their own but at 43 I’m enjoying full nights sleep and DC that can pretty much look after themselves. I couldn’t imagine having a little one to run after now….I’m knackered chasing the puppy around!

Although, I did have DD at 18 so it’s taken a while to get to this point!

I would probably say it’s a bit too old, although would probably seriously consider if I already had a young child.

People don’t tend to judge Dads having babies in their mid-late 40s as much.

As for the risk of disabilities, OP states using donor sperm and egg. I presume the heightened risk doesn’t apply when using a younger woman’s eggs?

Because I have experience of actually having a baby at almost 50 unlike most of the people here. I would say that we are financially secure which makes a big difference. Re the poster who said its unfair to expect teenagers to babysit, my other children are now in their early 20s, my other two girls in particular have loved helping with their sister and all get on really well.

I think the risk of age- related disabilities is being overstated here, as the OP would be using young donor eggs so there would only be half the risk (from her partner's old sperm). I do think the reality might not match your fantasy though, OP, and it would be worth exploring this with a few sessions of therapy before taking the plunge. The fantasy you have of two children probably wouldn't match up to the reality of being potentially the oldest mum at the gates, your baby not being your genetic child, your sons potential resentment re the massive gap etc. Pp have mentioned a hormone surge at this age which can cause irrational broodiness- you said that isn't a factor for you but it sounds like this desire for a second has has waxed and waned, you had decided to try to come to terms with it years ago before this recent resurgence. If not hormonal it might be psychological- a surge of now or never panic. I really feel for you though OP. You're not getting a lot of sympathy on this thread, but secondary infertility is brutal and involves lots of disenfranchised grief and years lost to this state of limbo that you've been describing. I wish you luck regardless of the decision you make x

@Choochoo21

She said her child is a teenager.

No I just turned 44 and my youngest is 5. He was a surprise. We have 2 older kids to age nearly 8 and 12. DH is 51 now. I am to old at 44 to have anymore. DH is certainly to old to.