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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

677 replies

Noangelbuthavingfun · 20/09/2024 12:19

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

OP posts:
AmeliaEarache · 20/09/2024 13:08

It would be a selfish and rash choice.

The chances of complications are high, you’d saddle a young child with elderly parents, burden your teen with a baby sibling as he’s looking for more independence and yourself with a small child through peri menopause.

You’d do better to get counselling

Beezknees · 20/09/2024 13:08

No I would not.

Highlandspringg · 20/09/2024 13:08

Menopausalsourpuss · 20/09/2024 13:06

Because I have experience of actually having a baby at almost 50 unlike most of the people here. I would say that we are financially secure which makes a big difference. Re the poster who said its unfair to expect teenagers to babysit, my other children are now in their early 20s, my other two girls in particular have loved helping with their sister and all get on really well.

But I'm just asking why our opinions should be ignored? If you didn't have the experience, you'd likely be saying no chance yourself.

Fluufer · 20/09/2024 13:08

Absolutely not. Celebrities shouldn't do it either. I have sympathy for your infertility struggles, but the potential child must be first priority.

Summertimer · 20/09/2024 13:08

westatlanticocean · 20/09/2024 12:47

You have got to be joking? How incredibly naive and ignorant.

Really does anyone go into this worrying about that so much. It’s a wonder anyone adopts or uses IVF ?? No it’s not

Pookerrod · 20/09/2024 13:09

Noangelbuthavingfun · 20/09/2024 13:03

May I adk why you have this view ?? Thank you !

Because it’s a lot to put your body through and what’s the point of the child isn’t going to be genetically related to you and you already have had a child anyway? I think I’d just have to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. My body has done what it can so I need to find another way to expand my family.

Add to that the number of kids that need loving homes, if I had the time, space, money etc I’d go down that route.

Stripeylil · 20/09/2024 13:09

Don't even think about it. I had a baby at 41 and a second 43, it has totally destroyed my physical health. Dealing with teenagers at 58 is hell on earth!!

TooBigForMyBoots · 20/09/2024 13:09

Choochoo21 · 20/09/2024 12:42

It would depend on how old the other child is.

If they were under 4 then I would consider it.

If they were older than 4, definitely older than say 8 then it wouldn’t even cross my mind.

How old is your first?

DS1 was 11yo when I had DS2. He fell in love with him at the first visit after I gave birth. He even joined Mnet for advice once.😆

They have a great relationship. Most of the time.🙈

Tulip2478 · 20/09/2024 13:10

MeMyCatsAndI · 20/09/2024 13:03

God no, by the time they're 20 you'd be nearly 70 that's just selfish of you.

My husband was 49 and I was 32 at the birth of our last child. Would you think we were selfish out of interest? Because I never hear older fathers getting this negativity.

ExhaustedHousewife · 20/09/2024 13:10

No definitely not! I'm 48 with a 19 month old grandchild I look after during the week 8 till 4 and I'm exhausted by the weekend.I would just die if I fell pregnant now.😅

Summertimer · 20/09/2024 13:11

Whatspots · 20/09/2024 12:45

I think you are deluding yourself, I have a friend who is going through this exact issue with her donor conceived kids, and she and they are very much of this generation.

So it can happen but it’s not a certainty. No one would ever adopt or do IVF etc if they let worries about this feature in major decisions

mindutopia · 20/09/2024 13:12

No because I wouldn’t want to use a donor egg. No shame for those who do. But if I was going to have another child, it would be my own biological child and a full sibling to my dc. I’m pretty sure dh would be pretty freaked out too at the thought of a donor egg.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 20/09/2024 13:12

Oh OP. It's very sad because I think the majority of us can truly relate to that longing. I don't know if you'll eventually have baby number two. But my worry would be that you're chasing an impossible dream resulting in inevitable disappointment and heartache.
I would say two things might really help: Therapy and a dog. Seriously. Unless you don't like dogs. But in your shoes, I'd absolutely get some therapy and a pet. It may come across as condescending, insulting, and upsetting to hear this (which I can understand and I am really sorry if my advice lands poorly) but, personally, getting our dog (who is now almost 9), really closed the circle for me. He tied up a lot of loose ends. The two cats help too!

jeaux90 · 20/09/2024 13:12

It's unfair on your teen to have a screaming baby around during the phase in their lives when they need stability to be able to study and get through exams.

I'm 53 and have a 15 year old. I am going to have to work for another 7 years at least until they are through education.

Get some counselling, I know it's hard to accept but I think it's bonkers having another child now.

Maria1979 · 20/09/2024 13:12

No. But then I have two DC. Who knows how I would feel without them. No, still wouln't though. At 44 I am soo tired compared to 10 years ago. Couldn't go through pregnancy and skeepless nights now. I would be a shitty mother so not fair on the kids.

Having said that, every situation is unique and only you OP knows what's right for you. If you have support around you and you feel energetic and healthy and you feel this longing to have a baby, then go for it.

spiderlight · 20/09/2024 13:12

My mum had me naturally just before she turned 47, after trying for 14 years and accepting that it wasn't to be. She and my dad were absolutely wonderful parents, albeit frequently mistaken for my grandparents when they arrived to pick me up from anywhere. It's been hard losing them relatively young - I was 33 when I lost my mum and she never got to meet her grandson, and I lost my dad in my 40s. That's the only thing I'd change.

Mabs49 · 20/09/2024 13:12

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 20/09/2024 13:12

Oh OP. It's very sad because I think the majority of us can truly relate to that longing. I don't know if you'll eventually have baby number two. But my worry would be that you're chasing an impossible dream resulting in inevitable disappointment and heartache.
I would say two things might really help: Therapy and a dog. Seriously. Unless you don't like dogs. But in your shoes, I'd absolutely get some therapy and a pet. It may come across as condescending, insulting, and upsetting to hear this (which I can understand and I am really sorry if my advice lands poorly) but, personally, getting our dog (who is now almost 9), really closed the circle for me. He tied up a lot of loose ends. The two cats help too!

She’s got a dog…

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/09/2024 13:12

No. For reasons including -

The additional health risks. To you/your body, to the baby. Even with the donor egg the pregnancy itself has greater risk the older you get to the baby amd yourself. The birth can be more dangerous for you and the baby, intervention more likely. These issues can even lead to disability.

Potential disability. From a difficult birth. From bad luck. Genetic problems. Paternal age at conception has increased risks too, regardless of the age of the donor of the egg and the birth mother. Coping with disability is tough at any age, but will only get harder when you add in everything else relating to this.

Being 50 with a toddler. There will be grandparents who are younger than you picking up grandchildren from school. Kids pick up on this, and bullying is a fact of life, and would be ammunition. Health risks become greater the older you get so you would find having a child harder, and might not be able to meet their needs. Menopause with a baby/toddler. Chances of dying increasing and leaving the child motherless (parentless potentially, if your DH/P is the same age or older.) Almost certainly dying or needing care while the child is a fairly young adult. Even if you don't rely on them at all for care, they will likely feel responsible, and sad/unhappy when they're 25 with mid 70's parents that they can see becoming more and more frail while their cohort still has parents not much older than you are now.

The donor egg. Opens up a whole can of worms for them. You've no idea how they will respond to being donor conceived. Many donor conceived people are now adults who are speaking out about the way they have been affected by it. You don't know if your child would be at peace with it, or how they might want to proceed in future. It might be particularly hard for them growing up with a sibling who is your biological child. The potential for them to meet relatives in future and not know it. The potential for them to have access to that information and go looking, potentially causing problems in itself based on the reception they get. The potential that this person has health problems on their family or with themselves that they did not disclose to the clinic. There is only so much information even reputable clinics can realistically gather about donors.

The impact on your first child. The toll having a baby/toddler while going through menopause, following a pregnancy of such elevated risk could easily affect their life. Then having a younger sibling while you are older yourself and more exhausted. The potential for them to have to take on more responsibility for their sibling if age related health reasons occur. The potential for them to feel responsibility, even if you don't put it there. If you were to die or become ill while the younger child was still in adolescents, or even early adulthood, the older child could feel the need to step into a more parental and supportive role, even if you don't intend this.

The potential for the IVF to not work. The waste of those resources. The heartache and wasted energy. The toll of your body all for nothing. All, again, potentially taking away resources, financial and emotional, from your child.

Obviously as individual reasons these can be thought worth the risk. People canbecome ill at any age, not everyone becomes long term ill as they age, and you could be fit and healthy until 80. But you will be more exhausted. Even if you "age well" there are still normal ageing processes. With two parents who are around 50 at birth the chances of these things becoming a problem increases vastly. It's the combination of all these factors that make it a risk not worth taking.

desparateidiot · 20/09/2024 13:12

I would love the pregnancy and the baby and toddler phases but I don't think I could have another teenager, I would be 64 when they turned 18, to be able to do it one more time - this time knowing what I was doing, would be good but once I had to start with the school runs and hectic mornings juggling child and work, it would have to be a no from me

I also don't know what the future holds for our children, when mine were young there weren't all the socials and genders - I am not sure I could navigate all that

Dweetfidilove · 20/09/2024 13:13

OolongTeaDrinker · 20/09/2024 12:54

I had my first aged 39, so spent most of my adult life travelling and having freedom and fun before that - I'm glad I made the most of being young and carefree before having kids so I'm doing life the opposite way around to you. Both approaches have their plusses and minuses for sure!

Absolutely! I've done the travelling before and with my daughter, but I'm looking forward to having renewed freedom (if all things remain well), as there's so much more to do /experience. I also wouldn't want to start again from scratch, as wonderful as my daughter is.

housethatbuiltme · 20/09/2024 13:14

No.

I'm not judging you but personally I would have (and did) do it much sooner (I started in my teens and went through 10 years of infertility in my 20s and ended up doing IVF at 30).

If I got naturally pregnant at 47 so be it but it would be a big suprise.

I personally wouldn't do IVF that late as for me my health would likely be much worse by then. Most of my family either died before on not much older than that (and yes I know my family die young and its not the norm so not something others worry as much about).

As for parenting options: donor egg and partner sperm (or vice versa) personally as I would feel it was my partner child with someone else (or I had a child with someone else). I think donor sperm can be great for some though, I have a friend who choose to become a single mam in her early 40s using donor sperm and lesbian friends who used donor sperm.

We discussed it and for us if it ever go to the point where one of us absoloutly couldn't have a biological child we would have gone 'embryo adoption' so neither of us was biologically the parent (to remove resentment issues) but would still birth and raise them as our own. Traditional Adoption would not be for us for many reasons.

Only you can answer if this is something you want to try for yourself or what your own limits are though.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 20/09/2024 13:14

Mabs49 · 20/09/2024 13:12

She’s got a dog…

Oh sorry! Missed that bit! 😑

Mintgum · 20/09/2024 13:15

I say it a lot on here i just dont get the hype for older mums.
30s early 40s fine but nearly 50 come on you be having your future carer.
Do you really want to be parenting in to your 70 school runs in your 60s.
Do you want to be known as the granny mum.
My cut off point would have been 32 but i chose not to have any.
My friend is 40 both her children have left home shes now travelling and doing all what she wants.
Just because you can dont mean you should.
Sorry to say this and i may get torn for it but some older mums are pushing it.

MeMyCatsAndI · 20/09/2024 13:15

@Tulip2478 yes unfortunately I do think it was selfish of your husband. No child should loose their parents early on in life (obviously accidents illnesses happen etc) but to diberably have a child later in life knowing you won't be around to see them into their 30/40s is cruel. Male or female. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Isometimeswonder · 20/09/2024 13:16

I don't think I would, and I say that as someone who couldn't have kids but wanted to.
I just think late 40s (my age) is too late.
But I came to peacewith my situation although it was very hard.

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