Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

I had miscarriages when I was 38/39. My obs put me on progesterone and 75mg asprin when I conceived again just before I turned 40. Now I don't know whether this made a difference, but that pregnancy was successful. Might be worth speaking to an obs.

We waited a long time for our DC (Including various cycles of IVF) and had DC1 when I as was almost 43 (IVF fresh cycle, own eggs) and DC2 when I was almost 47 (IVF frozen cycle, own eggs). I am now 60 and they are almost 18 and 14.

Yes, I would prefer to have had them earlier but I do not think that they have suffered from having older parents.

We have been able to do all sorts of things with them that younger parents do with their children. We have been able to give them more financial stability than many younger parents. We are more emotionally mature than many younger parents, and have more life experience to offer them. Having them has kept us younger in outlook as well.

Our situation is a bit different from yours, and there are definitely risks you need to weigh up, plus you need to weigh up the pros and cons for your DC1. I should add that the risks for my DC2 were linked to my age when his embryo was created (ie when I was 42 rather than 47.) And there are the risks of you not being around for them as long as if you had them younger, although if I live to the same age as my own mother is (and she is still hale and hearty, touch wood), DC1 will be 46 and DC2 will be 42, so hopefully pretty established in their lives.

Some of the downsides are: (1) needing to make financial provision (eg taking our hefty life insurance policies) to ensure they would be financially secure if things die go wrong; (2) needing to have someone in the family ready to take them on if we went early; (3) dealing with the demands of aged parents and young children at the same time; (4) knowing that we will need to keep working longer to see them through school and uni etc.

By the way, I agree that the nonsense spouted by some PPs about older mums always being too menopausal to be able to deal with toddlers or being too senile/decrepit by the age of 60 to do anything with their children, etc etc is not universally true. I personally sailed through the menopause, even though I was essentially looking after two young children alone and working at the time (because DH was abroad for long periods) and I still spend a lot of time doing things with my DC. OK, I don't play a lot of football with them now, but how many younger parents do that either?

Weigh everything up, and do what is right for you and your family.

I am so glad you got to have your children!

I do believe that we get the strength from somewhere to deal with whatever situation we are faced with.

DS turned 20 the year I turned 60. I don't think he missed out on anything!

I was 49 when I had my second child, from a donated embryo. She is now 6 and amazing. My son was 4 at the time she was born. He was conceived through an egg donor and my husband's sperm, after a long road of ivf. The longing to have another child, and a sibling for my son, was huge. For us, it was the right decision and I don't regret it for a moment.

I love that! xx

Reading your posts, it seems clear to me that you need to do this. Go for it OP xx

Please read into 'egg sharing' where vulnerable women who are going through IVF are encouraged to give up their own eggs (for a reduction in IVF cost). Many women donate their eggs and then don't end up pregnant. Their biological children are out there, but she'll never be their mother.

Please don't use an egg donor.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/11965136/egg-sharing-pregnancy-fertility.html

In addition to the organisations mentioned above, we used Fertility Friends when researching clinics for our treatment. We found their site useful. Like the same PP, we also used m DH sperm so our twins are genetically his children if not mine.

The clinic we eventually used had an upper age limit of 55 for mothers to be so, at 47, I was not exceptionally “old” by the standards. We still have embryos stored (this is the last year they will be kept before being transferred to the clinic’s research team for their use as per our agreement) so, if it was our plan, we could try for a further pregnancy; however, we feel our family is complete now (might have been a different story of I’d only had a single child not twins) and, as each year passes, I feel less attachment to the remaining embryos than I did previously.

And going to clinics abroad to buy eggs from vulnerable young women who need the money isn't much better.

OP also needs to consider how the child might feel when they learn they are biologically related to another woman and another family and do not share DNA with her and her side of the family. That can be particularly difficult to navigate when there are siblings who are related to both parents. And the child may want to meet the biological mother when they are 18.

That's not to say people shouldn't use egg donors but it results in emotional complexities for children, parents and wider families that can't be ignored and brushed under the carpet.

But unfortunately it seems like OP doesn't want to hear any of the potential hurdles or complications in this plan.

We had counselling before using an egg donor and then again before we adopted embryos. It helped to talk about potential pitfalls in advance. My 2 DC know all about how they were conceived (age appropriately) and I've made photo books for them. Its no big deal to them (10 & 6). We talk about the kind donors who helped us, so hopefully it's not an issue as they grow up. There are lots of resources out there to help you explain it to your DC. Our fertility clinic partnered with a clinic in California, where the egg donation process was simpler but managed properly every step of the way.

No I wouldn't. I think it's too old, especially as you have a teenage child.

Personally, I would not do it.

Context, I had my one and only at 40, would have desperately liked to have a second, but after several mcs, stopped trying. In my head my absolute cut off was 45yo, but of course I would have been delighted with an 'accidental' pregnancy at 47.

However I am now 50 and, whilst adore my 10yo, peri-meno has hit hard and I am genuinely over it (even with HRT). The thought that I could also potentially have a five year old, on top of my nonagenarian parents, horrifies me. I have very little urge to nurture anything other than my pot plants and pets and every little bit of independence my child develops thrills me! The idea of another long stretch of primary school pick up and drop offs, nativity plays, book days, packed lunches, when all my friends are seeing their kids graduate/becoming grandparents. I mean I was a bit of an outlier amongst friends at 40, and it felt isolating, but 47? No thanks.

I understand the yearning for another child, I really do. My family will never feel wholly complete to me, sometimes the yearning for another child still floors me, but it's just too late and I don't think the reality would measure up to the fantasy unless I had an actual time machine.

I would advise getting therapy and working through it, that definitely helped me. Your hormones go mad around this age, last hoorah before menopause, but I really think that to listen to them is unwise. I got a puppy, that also helped (although am aware that's not for everyone).

What you're considering is a very different situation to someone who has three or four kids already, and a smaller age gap, having an oops baby at 47.

I wish you luck whatever you decide.

have very little urge to nurture anything other than my pot plants and pets and every little bit of independence my child develops thrills me!
Feeling the exact same

I respectfully point out that I am a grandma in my early 60s and am very active, fit and healthy (touch wood). I am the same age as a grandma to my GC as OP would be to her child. I am very involved in their lives. I cannot imagine being responsible 24/7 for them as parents are. 47 is too old; I won't be convinced otherwise

I am 52, post menopause and my oestrogen has completely left the building. I don't want to look after anybody ever again. I don't think I am alone in this. Most of my friends want to run away to a desert island and be completely alone.

Don't underestimate how you may feel in menopause.

No it's not fair in that child it would have parents who could be their grandparents by the time they are in their 20's . Actually think it would be incredibly selfish

Well surely that could apply to anyone giving birth over the age of 40

I felt I wanted to post here as I had a m/c at 39 and we naturally conceived our dd at 42. I then fell unexpectedly naturally pregnant 2 months off my 47th birthday. For us, though we would have wanted more children had I been younger, we made the very difficult decision to terminate when we found out.
We had very stressful complications late in my first pregnancy which enforced a planned C-Section. Luckily everything was ok in the end, but it was an horrendous time including brain scans at a specialist hospital and being offered a very late termination based on the possibility of our unborn baby having ‘one of a million” different things wrong with it. Yes it worked out ok that time, but being 7 years older now, would have only increased that risk to foetus and myself in our eyes, albeit I’m currently fit and healthy. DH works extremely long hours and I admit I get v tired and enjoy having that bit more downtime and peaceful nights’ sleep now our DD is 5 (most of the time!)
Financially we would really struggle now with having an extra child and the fact our own parents are much older with health issues so are unlikely to be able to help out with a newborn / toddler.
As everyone else has said it’s your decision but it’s important to be realistic about your age and the associated risks / effects on you and baby.
Because we don’t know what the outcome would have been for us, whenever I feel regret or wish for a second child, I remember our extremely well thought out and heavily considered reasons for not going ahead with it, and appreciate the fact we have a bright beautiful healthy child we adore and can provide the best for.

Well 68 is ancient when the average person dies 10 years later! Thr majority of your life is done.

Thanks 4 your honesty

Office of national statistics say the life expectancy of a 65 year old woman today is 20.8years. That is of course the woman doesnt have life limiting conditions, keeps fit & healthy & doesn't smoke, drink & eat herself to death which can happen at any age.

I wouldn't pay attention to the negative responses OP. As already mentioned my mother had my brother at 48 & was fit & well into her 80s as was my father. They never regretted a single minute.

Personally, I'd resent my parents if they had me that old. I'm 40 and my mum is 60.
I had my child at 32 thinking older was better and now I'm filled with alot of regret leaving it so late.

My mother in law was born when her mother was 20. So now MIL is over 70 and is caring for a woman in her 90s with dementia. I don’t envy her that, having kids young is not all it’s cracked up to be.

And your “regret” at 32 being too late is laughable and tone deaf.

You wouldn't, you'd love them because they are your parents.

My parents had me aged 40 & 41, I am now 50 and they are 89 & 91 and still living independently, I have never resented them.

My brother and his wife became parents aged 47 & 42, their much loved 20yo doesn't resent them, far from it. My 10yo doesn't appear to resent me.

My entire NCT group were late thirties when they had their first, none of their kids appear to resent them either.

As for 32 being old, do you have any idea of how ridiculous that sounds? 🙄