Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

Yup, older dads equals much bigger chance of disabled kid. Ignoring that is saying you don't have a fucking clue about it and are only focusing on the woman's age. Deluded and dangerous approach.

Invest in therapy, not another child. I really don't mean that unkindly, either. You've said you're filling the void with materialistic things. I really do recommend talking things through. You'll feel much happier (and a lot less tired) I'm the long wrong, as opposed to having another child.

You'll have a teenager to deal with in your 60s and those TERRIBLE twos/TROUBLESOME threes when you're 50?! Having a child when you're older also increases the likelihood of things like ADHD/Autism which could make those times all the more of a challenge.

Don't know, but if you try I think you'll need to start by letting go of the idea that it's possible to "just do it", and remember that a lot of the time, attempts at these sort of pregnancies don't work. You seem to be assuming that if you try it, it will - which could lead to you just prolonging your pain over this.

That's really true.
I left home at 17 - but these days it's not unusual for adult kids to be at home til 24 or longer.

You mentioned miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage - why do you think this time will be any different when the odds are even more stacked against you - age, IVF and donor eggs all increase miscarriage odds. And that is even if you are successful getting pregnant.

You will be putting yourself and your husband through so much to end in, probably, heartbreak.

Your dream was 2 kids, but life doesn’t work out the way we want, and you are going to need to process this and grieve your loses. Trying again won’t solve anything.

I would. The argument that it's "not fair to the child" is stupid --- how is it fairer to the child not to exist at all, than to exist with gasp slightly older parents?

Risk of disability is pretty minimal if using donor eggs. It's only your own eggs that would have age-related risks.

Now to be fair, I don't know what perimenopause feels like (although I plan to go all out on HRT when it hits). The question is if you feel up to it. Also, if you can easily afford the cost, and if you can handle the disappointment if it doesn't work out, which it very well might not.

I'm 38 now, and had my two kids at 27 and 37. The second pregnancy was way easier on my body than the first one, by the way --- even though people try to convince you already that late 30s is supposedly so much harder. Anyway, I don't want another kid in the next 2-3 years (I never understood how people can handle having two very young kids at the same time), but I might try again in my early 40s.

PS: My great-grandmother gave birth to my grandfather at 49, no IVF involved obviously, and I don't think he minded (although she was mortified that people knew that she was still having sex at her age!). On the flip side, my grandmother had a baby at 45, and the baby unfortunately had Down's syndrome and died of a heart defect in infancy. But that wouldn't be a risk with donor eggs.

No not a good idea

I personally don't think that's being fair to the child. Your going to be close to 60 by the time they turn 10! Taking them bike riding or playing football with them or doing anything active will be that much harder b/c aging is a part of life and it may not be that easy for you to be involved. It sounds like you're thinking more of yourself and how it will be for you rather than how it will be for your kid. That's just my opinion.

I agree with the therapy comment. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. Don’t miss out on vital time and experiences with your son due to being preoccupied with this idea of another baby. It will consume your life. And then two years down the line it doesn’t work and you will have missed two years of your son’s life. I don’t think I’m explaining myself well but I just think you need to make peace with your situation and enjoy life. Don’t waste time chasing an almost impossible dream.

Wow
Some people get pregnant naturally at that age
So how can it be too old?
Only you know your body and your support systems OP

I wonder why you think this, my parents were 45 when they accidentally had me !

im
now in my early 30s with my own and have had a wonderful childhood
I have a child who is about to go to secondary school who has also had wonderful grandparents still alive and doting on her !

Most 12 year old girls can get pregnant so by your logic, that's a fine age to have a baby?

The youngest mother ever was five years old when her son was born.

I get it and if you want to then go for it. I do think there are other options tough.. What about adoption? There's plenty of childrem out there that need love. You could adopt a baby or even a 7 year old or something so the strain would be less on your body and health.

There's a group on Facebook called Mums over 40 that you might like.

Not for me! I am blessed with 4 now adult youngsters and happily enjoying the Nana years.

I had 3 of mine in my 20s 2 years apart. Then gap of 7 years and had my 4th at 35 - I was so exhausted just looking at him full of energy.

Granted my mental health wasn't great at the time and the marriage to the ex was coming to an end but I was shattered.

Now my daughter has done the career and traveling and has, had her 2 in her 30s. Her life thank goodness has turned out very different from mine. She is going back to work next year as she wants too and is busily retraining to work as a teaching assistant in a school to fit around the children.

I know of someone who had an unplanned child at 48. She thought she was on the change.

Different horses for different courses as they say. It's not for me.

It's entirety up to you. However is it really broodiness. Maybe a chat with a private therapist might help you explore the options.

It's very common when women get into menopause age to want more children. Not for me however I've had 4 so who am I to say

If it can’t happen naturally, I think you should leave it OP, 47 is old to have a baby, it just is.

I personally wouldn't. You would be in your 60s and dealing with teenage angst, lifts everywhere, etc, possibly with your own health issues or limitations that come as you age. When your child is in their 20s, you would be in your 70s and there may be pressure on your child to take on caring responsibilities rather than living their own life.

No, I work with young children and I know I wouldn't have the energy and patience to deal with one of my own at that stage now I'm 48. The difference is I had my four starting from age 22yrs. My eldest is now 26yrs. I wouldn't have the energy to start again and I am looking forward to having time for myself now the youngest is 15.

I do like the idea of being a grandparent though, where there is a little one in the family but not my responsibility.

Also surrounding the teen situation 🤣 again I was 15 when they were 60. Our house was the house everyone came to chill at. My dad taught us all how to play poker, whilst my mum made us the most amazing food, for my 18th they raved with us til the early hours. Now they take my kids on holiday/ swim with them and even attempt dance trends with DD.
and what’s its worth my DC mourn their father who died aged 29 ! So having parents 21 when she was born didn’t prevent that.

Perimenopause is dreadful, for me anyway... and it's really taken a high toll on my already fragile health. Honestly, having a young child while you go through coping with dry eyes, brain fog, painful gingivitis, tinnitus, joint pain, extra fatigue, more painful periods and PMS... it has been the most exhausting thing. Alongside my neurological involuntary movement disorder, I'm pretty sure I am aging faster because of it.

Of course, my youngest DD I'd wonderful, but goodness, I'm knackered. Perimenopause and young children is extremely hard work at times.

I think it's a hugely personal decision op.

I guess things I'd be considering is my finances and how secure I'd be to support my child when I'm at pension age and wanting to slow down with work, potentially without a partner. I'd be thinking about my health and how fit and able my body is to handle firstly a pregnancy and secondly running after a toddler. I'd also consider my wider support network, I wouldn't want to be having children later in life if I didn't have a close knit family unit who would be there to support them (and be in a position to support them) if something happened to me before they have their own partner. You'd also need to consider how your older child will feel and if you're more tired etc, will there be any expectation of them to help you more than they would be if you were younger.

I think it's kind of pointless comparing to celebrities because they can afford the best of healthcare/ lifestyle and know that financially their child will be incredibly secure compared to many other children, plus for many health and fitness is a big part of their career and they may have had the finances to consider things like egg freezing etc that many would find unaffordable.

Ultimately it needs to be the right decision for you and your body and your family. Noone can really answer these questions for you. Many people are having children later in life now but many people are also finding themselves in circumstances where they can't afford to have a much wanted second child. You're not alone in that.

That's a ridiculous comparison.
A 12 year old cannot legally have a relationship, cannot consent etc etc
A 47 can do exactly as they please, as they should!
Everyone knows themselves, you have very fit people in their 50s and very unfit in their 20s
Maybe unfit people in their 20s shouldn't have kids either? Perhaps they can't run after their kids.

You stated that 47 isn't too old because some women are capable of getting pregnant at that age. By the same logic, 5 isn't too young. I agree it's ridiculous logic but it isn't any kind of comparison or analogy.

Yet I am sure that you and many other posters would think the a 60 year old is perfectly capable of providing childcare for grandchilden. That same 60 year old is also expected to work until the age of 67!!

We all think more about ourselves than the potential child! The human race would be extinct otherwise!

I think it's just a shame @Noangelbuthavingfun (and I know it's water under the bridge now) that you didn't ttc much sooner! I had fertility issues for years pre-DC1. I was 34, and started ttc again as soon as I stopped breastfeeding at a year. DC2 is 22 months younger than DC1, and while it wasn't easy at times, they are best friends now as adults.

Knowing how it felt, on the one hand I want to say to you, leave no stone unturned. If the odds of a healthy pregnancy were in your favour, by all means. You however would be taking a lot of risks. That the IVF would work. That you wouldn't miscarry (do you have any idea why you did?) That the baby god forbid would have some kind of disability. That the pregnancy could have lasting effects on your body.

When I had my 3rd, I did something that would have been completely unconscionable years before - I had my tubes tied. The decision was made with my head not my heart - in different circumstances I might have liked to have a 4th, but at the age of 40 with a history of miscarriage, it was the sensible thing to do.

On balance, you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak. I think you should talk it through with an obs/gynae consultant though I imagine they wouldn't recommend it. When I had my youngest my obs told me he had just delivered a baby born to a 46 year old, whose other child was then 21. That lady must now be 67, her elder child 42 and her youngest 21!

That's the thing though. You've had your 4; I've had my 3.

How can we tell a woman who wants another baby this bad that she needs to forget about it and get on with her life?

Literally none of us know how the OP is feeling because we haven't walked in her shoes.