Would you become pregnant at 47 if....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

*Also posted in pregnancy

You desperately know you've always wanted a 2nd child and it never went away ... tried but failed many times.... would you go for donor eggs and partner sperm and just do it ? Many celebrities do it late into 40s.... its now or never. I'm just thinking you regret the things you never did... aibu to just do it ? Has anyone you know or have you done this ??

There is no way I would want a young child as I entered peri-menopause. Absolutely not. You are short-tempered, physically wrecked, and mentally foggy...at least a good part of the time. AND highly emotional. Not only that, but I remember clearly a childhood friend whose mother was about your age when she was born, and I remember how embarrassed that friend was as a teenager when strangers mistook her mother for her grandmother.

I then proceeded to say everyone knows their bodies etc 😏

Which is also obvious nonsense.

I turned 47 2 weeks ago.

I have no children and am already in perimenopause. I was accidentally pregnant at 30 and opted not to keep it. I’ve always felt guilt about it, but even so I would not have a child at the age I am now. I have accepted that ship has sailed and my chance has gone.

My reasoning for that is that despite my financial situation being far better than it was 17 years ago, I don’t feel it would be fair on the child.

When that child turns 10 I would be 57.
I have a 9 year old nephew, who has autism. I absolutely love the bones off him. Would do anything for him. But I’m knackered after spending an hour with him. (I would 100% take him in however and be his legal guardian and parent if a situation ever arose where it was needed and an option).

So I know it would not only be harder to cope with a newborn at the age I am, but in 10 years time it would be even harder. And health wise anything could happen. I wouldn’t be able to put a child through losing their mother at an early age.

In terms of support, I’d be very reliant on paid childcare. My parents, whilst being happy to help, are 79 and 88 and therefore not at an age where they could be supporting me with a child in any way. They already support my brother 24/7 with my nephew and my poor mother is utterly stressed and exhausted. I couldn’t do that to her. And I wouldn’t.

Everyone has to make the decision for themselves, based on their own personal circumstances. But for me personally, it would be a no.

My friend surprised me by having a baby at 46. She has a four year old already. I never managed a second one and my first is late teens. Part of me is sad but the other part of me is enjoying not having small children and being able to go out for the evening or have a day trip without one in tow. Also the thought of doing teenage years when I'm in my sixties is not appealing. Neither of my parents made it to 65 and I'm conscious you could leave a child without parents at a young age.

No. Noone over 40 will actually admit that it's shit but it is. Hormones are all over the place and exhaustion.
You'll be 67 when the child is 20. I just think there's no thought for the child and it becomes boring listening to people say...oh but people can die or have problems at anytime. Yes, that's true but the likeliness is alot less than an older parent.

Okay

Neither of my parents made it to 65 and I'm conscious you could leave a child without parents at a young age.

@pollymere Yes, we're all influenced by our own life experiences, even when they're unlikely to reoccur. My Mum was healthy when she had me at 38, but developed a chronic illness in her 40's. Due to that, she died in her 60's. So for me, having a child in my 40's was too much of a risk, in case I'm also unlucky health-wise. I'd probably feel differently if that hadn't happened to Mum, but there we are.

My mum was 19, coming 20 when she had me. We lost her 4 days before she turned 63 to cancer. I was 43, and my youngest sibling was 34. My children were 9 and 7 and 2/3. My sister's children were a similar age and my other sister had her children years after our parents died within 5 months of each other. My parents loved our children and they loved their granny and granda, but that was the hand we were dealt.

I’m sorry, @adriftinadenofvipers, that must’ve been very hard. 💐

As you say, it’s the hand that you’re dealt and I was lucky to have my Mum until my mid-20’s.

No it’s to old. I had my only child a daughter at 40. Conceived naturally pregnancy fine no issues. I did feel at 42 I wanted another it didn’t happen I accepted that. I did at times feel so much older than mums taking their child to nursery school. I ended up at 46 as a single parent. Not a situation I thought I would be in but was grateful I only had one child not two! A child is a gift be thankful for what you have.

Ffs. 26 is too old now? 😂 You can’t win.

At that point then op’s body has been screaming no for years now. Even if her hearts been screaming yes.

Is this even an option that’s available to you? I can’t imagine at nearly 50 and with children already that you would be a high priority for donor eggs in the UK.

Would the egg be from a family member or would you pay someone abroad?

Yes, definitely.

My mom had breast cancer when she was 51 and I was 19 and my younger brother 15. She had a mastectomy and was lucky to recover. I’m thankful I still have her now, but it was a scary time.

One of my best friends passed away in April from secondary breast cancer. She’d just turned 46.

These experiences can definitely shape your own views on decisions you make in your own life.

So sorry you lost your mum 💐 x

Definitely not! Celebs do it but they can afford 24/7 childcare which makes the whole process so much easier. For example, when would we have the option of someone else being up all night with our crying toddler, allowing us to get a good night's sleep?

Definitely not! Celebs do it but they can afford 24/7 childcare which makes the whole process so much easier. For example, when would we have the option of someone else being up all night with our crying toddler, allowing us to get a good night's sleep?

So they had their kids around 21?

There are people who do that, but I wouldn't say it's common.

(I mean, anyone who goes into third level education would only just be finishing up their course).

It's widely thought that we're not even fully mature adults until 25. (I would say later). Her friends Mums would only just have been allowed to drink alcohol in the US, for example, when they became parents.

Does your dd not understand that?

You say: "It's not that ... I'll feel like our family is complete if we are a unit of 4. I've always wanted 2... many people know exactly how big they want their family to be. I've had the best years of my life raising my child and it aches knowing i never got to have the 2nd"

I am the person who posted about being the unexpected only child.

This is what I mean. He fact that you don't feel real family yet is the problem - it will be very damaging for your son in ways he probably won't be able to articulate until he's well into mid life.

I really think that whatever you decide about pursuing this idea, you still need to seek therapy to break this idea of the "complete" family because it's so very dangerous for your own mental health as well as your DC's

My instinct would be to say it’s too old, but that’s because I am 46 and I don’t think I could cope. On the other hand I know some older mothers and to be fair they are all doing great. Two of them were around the 46/47 age and they seem to really be much more secure in themselves as parents as I felt when I first had kids, in both couples the father is older. One of the fathers retired when the kids were at primary school and took them to school every day and was really involved, if I saw that on paper I would think terrible too old but it worked for them. If you truly both feel confident that you have the energy, time and resources then I think you should go for it, if you have a genuine doubt that it might be too much for you, don’t do it.

Way way too risking. Absolute no.

Lots of people don’t get to have the size of family they wanted or even a family at all. They just get on with it.

I have found that now my eldest is 17 it really makes the thought of an 'empty nest' very real. It does make me long for another baby sometimes but I know it wouldn't be the right thing for our family (not saying it isn't for you.)

If you have had this longing for do long 10 + years? What stopped you trying donor eggs before? Why now?

You must do what is right for you. I fell pregnant at 44, DH 46, having four other kids. Our DS is 15 and the light of our lives. No regrets. We are different parents than we were for our first but that’s ok.

If your son is a teenager I can imagine he's still going to feel like an only child (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being one. Only children don't just wander alone on this planet once their parents die) with a sibling with such a big age gap. I very much doubt they will be close and I think with such a big age gap, it'll be a very disjointed unit when your son moves out in a few years.

You're also speaking about using doner eggs and sperm. How does your husband and son feel about having a sibling that isn't biologically related to them?

And speaking about celebrities isn't relevant. Celebrities have access to health care snd support such as night nannies, nannies etc that help lessen the impact of a pregnancy at a late age that most of us don't.

If I'm honest I think you're being selfish and I think you're pursuing this as a fantasy and somewhat unmet need when the reality will turn out different. We don't always get the number of children we want. I think if you're having repeat miscarriages and can't concieve then it's nature's way of telling you this won't happen and you'd be wise to have some therapy to explore this.