To ask if everything collapses at 40?

[GruandDrew]

I'm 40 next year and have never felt worse about myself. I've got serious acne on my shoulders and face. My pelvic floor has never recovered from childbirth. My waist has disappeared and I have a roll of fat over my jeans. My hair is flat. My eyes are like tissue paper.

I don't want to have sex with my H which is causing issues. He can be a total arsehole so that might be it. But I feel so uninterested in men in general

All I do is work, kids, work, kids. I work hard and try to do the whole 5am starts but can't be consistent. I've got debt and no savings. My life is to do lists and coffee and feeling gross. I can't break the cycle

I've never felt worse in myself!!! Pls help.

My suggestions:

See the Dr about the acne and low libido
Change your diet: more vegetables, fruit, lean protein, less alcohol more water
Meditation
Yoga
Supplements for your hair
Decent multivitamin
More water

Try to do 5am starts? Why?

44 and I won’t lie, yes at 38/40 suddenly got stomach problems, arthritis in knees, bad back, roseacea and got into the life is a treadmill way of thinking. Myself and dh are having huge problems (possibly splitting up) but I’ve started eg watching Gilmore girls again, reading more, aiming for better sleep (phone off earlier), drinking water again, shaving legs etc. basically starting to feel ‘me’ again. Do you need to do a 5am start? Maybe you need to stay in bed!! think we look after ourselves so much when we’re younger so that could be a contributor. Hopefully things pick up for you op

You need a lifestyle change . Little by little, it's not easy but it will make you feel better .

Start with small things
Hair cut?
Can you treat yourself to your eyebrows and nails once a month ?
Do you have any friends who will go on walks with you a few times a week ?
A shopping trip (doesn't need to be expensive)
How do you eat ?
Do you have a skin care routine ?

I eat fairly well. But I drink wine most evenings and for some reason have struggled to drink water for as long as I can remember. I will try again. I just feel so old and done. I've got a back tooth crumbling so my filling is pointing through and its causing a cut on my tongue. I can't find an NHS dentist and had an £1800 quote to fix it and so I'm just not doing anything about it. I'm so gross. Falling apart. I would love to be single, 2 stone lighter, work a bit less, and just read books and garden. But instead I look like a state - slugging wine, looking at Instagram with crumbling teeth!!

If you can afford it get a Dermatica or Skin & Me prescription- bung it on and know it’s doing the work.

The usual drink more water, eat more veg, eat less crap applies.

I always find a week or so of yoga and stretching makes my body look better even if I’m carrying extra weight - it’s the most relaxing exercise. 10 minutes before bed is lovely.

One tiny improvement can quickly shift your mindset and get the ball rolling on other good habits.

I developed cystic acne on my face around that time. It was painful and looked awful. I put off going to the GP for ages thinking it wasn't a big enough problem, but she was very sympathetic and prescribed Duac cream which was amazing. I used it for about 6 months and it's actually fully resolved it!

Can't help with the other stuff though. My waist has also disappeared and I have stiff knees.

OP, a big recommendation to stop drinking wine in the evenings, it will help so much with everything from crepey eyes to overall motivation (I know because I used to and now I don’t, and life is loads better). I also found the Michael Mosley tip of drinking a big glass of water before a meal really good as it fills you up, and gets the water requirement done.

Two things to start you off. One- if you hate drinking water, buy squash. It's better to have very dilute squash than be dehydrated, especially as you head into peri. Two- do you need to get up at 5am? Why? Do you commute, or is there some childcare issue? I would feel very ill indeed if I had to get up at 5am and would change a lot of things to make sure that didn't happen.

If you can fix hydration and sleep, the rest might not seem so bad. It's a starting point at least!

I looked and felt mid-20s at 40, probably because I didn't have kids or have to look after anyone else. I'd kill to be 40 again.

Can you just have the tooth removed instead?

husband sounds like the issue tbh. No wonder you don't want to have sex.

I LOVE wine but it defo makes me look tired!

From my 44th birthday, I had 4 operations in 9 months, had previously been fairly healthy until then. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, then I had a diagnostic laparoscopy for gynae issues, then a further one to remove an ovarian cyst & my tubes, then a hysterectomy, was just recovering from the hysterectomy & started with gallstones & had my gallbladder removed 6 weeks later. It felt like as fast as one thing was being dealt with, they found something else or I started with something else. 2 years later, I was diagnosed with ME/CFS, then I tore my rotator cuff & had that repaired. I'm 58 now & have since been diagnosed with Autism, then an underachiever thyroid, then started with peripheral neuropathy, which has left me virtually unable to walk. It's just been one thing after another, I just want it to stop.

It'd be useful if you could give us a time and motion study of your day!
Eg.
5am....

Until
Bedtime.

But in the meantime - add a half- glass of weak squash each day, until you're on six half- glasses each day. Or three big ones. Stand at the sink at bedtime / morning toothpaste time and chug a pint. It'll work.

Do one thing at a time. I would do vitamins including a strong vitamin d. Then eat more fruit/veg. Every time you prepare some fruit/veg for the kids, do some for you.
Drink squash and make a bottle up to take out when you go out.
As for the clothes get some nice boots or trainers as that's low effort and will help all your outfits and is something for every day.
When you get round to your pelvic floor you can pull in your lower belly up to your belly button as well to help with that.
Can't help you with hair and eyes. Dry shampoo gives volume though

Stop getting up at 5AM for a start. The absolutely most important thing health is sleep so start with making sure you are getting enough of that.

I'd also try to get the tooth sorted if that's causing you constant pain that will make everything really hard. £1800 sounds a lot, is that for a crown? I'd ring around some private dentists and see if there is someone cheaper (although try to get some recommendations so you know they are decent!). If it's a tooth right at the back is it worth considering an extraction? That will de much cheaper.

I think the late 30s and 40s can be tricky with declining hormones and all that goes with it but it isn't an inevitability. Go and see your GP. Ask to have your thyroid levels checked because hypothyroidism could explain some of your symptoms. I am 52 now and feel much healthier than I was at 42. Small changes - better diet, less drinking, less driving, more walking. Unfortunately nothing will get better if you do nothing differently.
I imagine £1800 is to save the tooth. If it is a back molar you can have it removed for less money and save for an implant later.

Oh yes, I would also be knackered if I was up at 5am!

No advice but sympathy! I had 2 kids just before 40 so I'm 41 and wondering if it's just being in the toddler stage or if it's what life will be like from now on. I'm exhausted and have been falling asleep at 8pm. I'm "not fat" (as the GP put it 😆) but sitting on the cusp. I have twinges in a couple of teeth which I would get sorted if we had more money.

I've not resigned myself to it yet though! I've just started a push to lose weight (salads for lunch, no biscuits, stairs at work), get my low iron/ tiredness under control, and get a promotion/ pay rise so we can afford a bit more.

But instead I look like a state - slugging wine, looking at Instagram with crumbling teeth!!

^

Sorry but this made me laugh. You have my sympathy

Definitely try and improve your diet op... Start with more water

Op it's not your age I'm only 4 years behind you and I feel great. You need to tackle these issues one at a time.

Alcholic is crap. It makes your skin crap. It makes you bloated. It makes you eat more as it's causes your blood sugar to go all over the place and has an impact for even days after. You need to stay sober for about 2 months to feel full benefits. You don't have to just drink water, drink low calorie sugar free squash, drink tea and coffee but don't add sugar. Sugar wrecks your skin and energy levels.

You will lose weight just from not drinking at the start would be my guess. When you do it's a good idea to use the motivation to start ti tune up your diet. I did this, quit drinking, lost weight, decided to watch what I ate, then I started doing yoga. And now I'm gym fit with abs. That seemed a million miles away to me at the start, but just do one thing at a time. I promise the drinking is ruining your sleep as well as sucking your energy. Start with that.

If you want to be single you can be haha.

With the tooth, overseas dentistry gets a bad rep but I've had amazing dental work done at private clinics in Poland for a fraction of the cost of here. If it's a root canal you need, or something similar, you won't get botched going to an overseas dentist with a good reputation and it will cost about 200 to 300 quid max. Cheap flights ryanair are a bit rough but they can be as cheap as 20 quid each direction and it's such a short flight it hardly matters. Go and make a weekend of it. I've never felt bad enough after dental treatment for it to ruin my day, you would be able to go to the museum the theatre etc. leave kids with dh.

Get on the iron supplements and b vitamins complex. All of them. Every woman I know is low on b vitamins. If I don't take mine I get angular chillitis and patches on my tongue, feel like crap and my knees hurt which makes exercise harder. I was feeling dizzy and unwell a lot. I felt better immediately when I started the b vitamins.

I often think that even when I feel crap if I do something nice for myself I 'scrub up well' I probably look exactly the same but it boosts my self esteem. Long bath, hair mask, paint toe nails, tidy up eyebrows. Gua sha which is like a fancy face massage you do yourself, it feels really nice and makes my skin less puffy and is good for lymphatic drainage. Use a nice face cream with it. Wear something that you feel good in, I get in ruts where I get in a pair of joggers and just give up on life, take the joggers off and tidy myself up and I realise it was mostly in my head.

Take a bit more time for yourself. Do things you enjoy, that makes you feel good.

I was you!
This is what worked for me:

• I retrained for a new career - law to teaching. It just gave me a new boost. Not for everyone and I’m not recommending retraining, but finding something that can motivate helps.
• I started following Dave Ramsey money makeover religiously.
• I quit alcohol.
• I took ozempic for 3 months which started my weight loss. I’ve lost more since stopping and have maintained the lower weight for 2 years.
• I started running. Walking first and gradually building up. Ironically it gave me more energy.
• My libido returned. It still ebbs and flows but I think a lot of that is because I’ve been with the same partner for over 25 years and the novelty wears off. Luckily my DH is so understanding and has never moaned or pressured me.

I am not for a second recommending any of this for you to do as what works for me won’t work for everyone, but what I do suggest is taking some time (if you find any!) and just noting down what direction you want your life to take, what small steps can help you get there etc etc. We only get one crack at this so I hope you can find what you need to bring some joy into your life. You deserve it. Sending hugs x

Cut back on the wine and stop the 5am starts!!
Find time for yourself - if you want to read and garden then make time to do that.

Oh yeah, and drink more water! It really does help.

I'm 47 and don't feel like this. I made a couple of changes intentionally and some just came about and I feel younger and look better than 7 years ago.

I went back on the contraceptive pill which calmed my skin and sorted my periods. I don't get the PMS fatigue either.

I barely drink anymore. Wine makes you put on and hold onto weight as it's sugary. The alcohol wears you out and makes you permanently tired. Ditch it!

I exercise in a class one or twice a week and try and walk each day.

If you have a stressful job, try and change it.

Sorry about your tooth, you must get that fixed if you can, it will only get worse and will harbor bacteria which can sicken you.

Hopefully some of that advice helps.

I am in my 60s and don't feel like that but l don't drink at home and that really helps. I will have a glass of wine if out for dinner or on holidays. Stopping the wine at home will improve your life immensely even if you do nothing else.
Boots do a supplement called The Complete Woman which l took all through 40/ 50s and found it helped energy wise etc.
Exercise was the biggest lifter of my mood. Just even a 15 minute walk to tstart and some weights at home with a utube video. You are young compared to me so make the best of these years and you will feel better.