To ask if everything collapses at 40?

[GruandDrew]

I'm 40 next year and have never felt worse about myself. I've got serious acne on my shoulders and face. My pelvic floor has never recovered from childbirth. My waist has disappeared and I have a roll of fat over my jeans. My hair is flat. My eyes are like tissue paper.

I don't want to have sex with my H which is causing issues. He can be a total arsehole so that might be it. But I feel so uninterested in men in general

All I do is work, kids, work, kids. I work hard and try to do the whole 5am starts but can't be consistent. I've got debt and no savings. My life is to do lists and coffee and feeling gross. I can't break the cycle

I've never felt worse in myself!!! Pls help.

Have you had your B12 tested???
Please go to doctor and ask for a thorough blood test, iron, thyroid, B12, vitamin D. Don't take a B vitamin before getting it tested otherwise it can skew the results x

Maybe getting rid of the arsehole husband would give you more of a spring in your step.

Definitely quit the wine and Pringles but a more nutritious breakfast might help too! Massive plate of bacon and eggs sorts me out and keeps my blood sugar balanced all day but bacon isn’t very fashionable so maybe just try a couple of fried eggs on top of what you’re having already. I do think protein first thing sets you up for the day

I'm 42 and feel really fit and healthy. BUT I think this is because I'm divorced and co-parenting and so get some of the week to myself. I have time to exercise, rest and socialise after work some days. You sound burdened with chores and life.

Eating healthily can help, I snack on fruit a lot. I've put on a small bit of weight compared to my 20s but am still wearing some of the same clothes I did back then.

Personally, I’ve been feeling dreadful and falling apart since my 40th last year. I’ve been doing all the “right” things with diet, no alcohol and exercise and it hasn’t helped in ten long months. Feeling like I may as well revert to my previous habits as at least they gave me temporary joy!

I started feeling like this four years ago. Stressed, tired, long commute, wine and binge tv every evening. My hair started falling out and I would sit awake every night from 3-5 am.

I’ve made massive lifestyle changes, starting slowly but I kept at it. I’m 46 now and I’ve never felt better.

• sorted my weight and diet. I’ve never been overweight according to my BMI but I’m petite so I looked fat with puffy face, double chin and growing belly. I’m lean BMI now, eat at least 7 portions of vegetables and fruit every day, mostly plant-based and clean diet. It was much easier to cut the crap than I expected. I still have sweet treats once a week, just like my children (we do lördagsgodis because we are in Sweden).
• I run, outside. Started slowly and then built up to 25 km a week, my long Sunday run is me precious me time out in the woods. It’s just me in nature, sometimes I run into wild animals (a group of boars recently).
• no booze. I still drink: birthday, DH birthday, Midsommar. Will have max 1/4 of a bottle of wine in one go and we go for quality over quantity.
• picked up martial arts. Love it. Gives me enormous boost of confidence and energy. My son goes to his class and I go to mine instead of waiting for him.
• I train at home. Bought a Les Mills subscription and weights during the pandemic. I’ve had it now for three years and it’s great, my most utilised subscription.
• Not on social media. Waste of time
• I stopped watching Netflix series and sitting in front of tv. We got really into board games and socialising instead. I will still watch something with my family during the weekend but we do research beforehand and decide together what we want. It doesn’t have to be French cinema, we recently had a Cannon Films marathon 😅, but it’s something we plan and discuss - no more binge watching.
• Im outside every day, walking everywhere I can. Often hiking or cycling during weekends.

I realised my life is too short to waste it on feeling like something my cats dragged in. I also have a parent that’s disabled due to very poor lifestyle choices (type 2 diabetes with all possible complications) and I don’t want to follow the same path. I have young children and it’s also important that they see the parents modelling healthy behaviours.

The acne I can fix - I get it in my chest esp in hot weather . Bioderma storm body wash it's really gentle but has antibacterial properties use it as your shower gel acne should clear right up x

OP can you try substituting things at the start, then it doesn't feel like you're depriving yourself. So instead of wine and pringles - switch to a sugar free spritzer (or something sweet and refreshing without all the calories and hangover) and some popcorn (still salty and crispy but with less calories and less additives) to wean yourself off.

It's always better to add nice things, than take things away. So add in some time for yourself - a nice gentle yoga class once a week, or a swim or something. You need to start valuing yourself - you are worth the effort.

Start with small changes and just build from there. Get outside and walk everyday if you can, then build up and do some sort of exercise - which I know seems counterintuitive if you're already exhausted - but it will help you sleep better and make you feel better overall.

Don't try and change too much at once you will feel overwhelmed and be likely to just give up. Make one change, get used to it, then a few weeks later, make another one.

Also, don't get up at 5am - that's ridiculous. Even push it to 6 or 6.30 to give your body and mind some rest. And get rid of the husband if he adds nothing to your life.

Chicken Sausages and scrambled eggs 😋

Ha ha ha. This feels about as far from my life as it's possible to be! Good on you!

To ppl saying about getting rid of the husband - yes. I feel like I don't have the energy or time to consider such a thing. But I don't love him. I know that. I really really don't want to waste or be unhappy for the 2nd half of my life though and every year I feel further away from the person I wish I was!

I’m nearly 41 and since I hit 40 I’ve felt progressively shit. I’m guessing it could be hormonal as my cycles have gone a bit strange - more mood swings, shorter cycle. I’m constantly exhausted but not bodily, almost like I’ve been given a sedative which makes me think it could be hormonal. I feel like I’m made of lead and have no get up and go. Fed up. Pretty healthy in other ways as I’m teetotal, healthy weight, diet needs improving a bit maybe.

Did you ever love him/why did you get married.

I feel people are rushing a bit to ditch the husband. Obviously don’t tolerate abuse but could it be that he is also struggling in middle age with young kids.

My kids are 6 and 4, I know resentments can build up!

If you are in debt now how are you going to manage a divorce?

Don’t buy the wine, don’t buy the Pringles.

If you want treats, do a savoury board of a nibbles of cheese, nuts and dried fruit for the evening.

Dairy and nuts don’t add calories like crisps do. Studies have shown that around a third of the fat in nuts can’t be absorbed. So they just flush out.

So many people avoid good fats because they think they’re fattening. But it’s carbs like crisps and wine that will load fat to your body instead of flushing it. They’re both pure carbs.

Read this thread from yesterday about ideas to change your diet possibly. A lot intermittent fast. I do too. www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5168247-to-ask-what-you-eat-in-a-day-if-you-are-a-size-10-or-less?page=1

I can imagine. But I started slowly, small steps and went from there. It didn’t happen overnight, but I realised that something had to change and I’d rather change my circumstances than give up on my physical and mental health. At some point in life we get back what we put in so what we put in has to be quality stuff.

Moving more and exercising was the easiest part for me. I know this might sound unbelievable but the more we move the more energy we have. Exercise also improves mood and exercising outside, even in bad weather, improves mood even more so at some point it really, naturally becomes a more attractive option than series+wine+crisps. I started gently but felt so nice and focused during a workout and so positive and happy afterwards that I wanted to feel like this again and more often.

We are not saints. We’ll have takeaways twice a week, just healthier options. The money I saved on buying crap food and streaming services every month go towards paying for a cleaner. Plant-based diet is also cheaper than eating meat so we still save some money every month - we still eat meat 3 days a week.

Yes I loved him. But I mothered him. And now we have actual kids, he expects to be mothered still and I just don't have the energy. I do it all. And I've given up talking to him about it.

I earn reasonably we'll but we over stretched ourselves with house & mortgage increases etc. And I've built up £5k credit card debt. I am trying to pay it off so I can leave. I really can't see a future for us. But you're right logistics is keeping me here. And the kids of course.

I will try to exercise. I feel so much shame that I do no regular exercise and haven't for years

I'm 47, I do feel frumpy, but also kind of don't give a shit anymore.

Peri menopause is annoying, but I have a mirena which takes care of the debilitating symptoms - flooding, random periods, extreme pain. Sex drive isn't an issue, but actually having sex is because I have sodding thrush so often, need to see my GP about it again, last time they gave me a six month course of fluconazole and tested me for diabetes - no diabetes, had a wonderful six months with no thrush, it came straight back as soon as the course finished.

I don't like water, but I will drink elderflower cordial in sparkling water, or tap water at a push, but prefer the sparkling.

I'm definitely achier than I used to be but haven't noticed anything major, except my knee, but I've always had problems with my knee.

What I do have now is IBS, which really annoys me and when it's bad I basically can't eat anything I actually enjoy eating.

But overall I don't feel like everything collapsed at 40. I do feel in a constant cycle of working and looking after DS with not much room for anything else.

not 40, no but 50

Yes I am on monthly B12 injections.

And extractions.

Op can I just add that if you can afford it and had the time get a personal trainer 3 times a week and do weights and a little bit of cardio you will see amazing changes in your body honestly give it 6 months and you will be amazed ! Weights tone you up you would be amazed and what 6 months of consistency will do for you x

I've been telling myself i can't run or do weights due to pelvic floor issues.

Turning 40 doesn't do this to you, but lifestyle will.

Being in an unhappy relationship, with financial stresses and no life outside of work and your children will age you and make you unwell.

I'd say start with the lifestyle changes advised upthread and you'll likely start to look amd feel better.

There's been loads of good advice on this thread. Mine would be don't try to fix everything - you're already tired and when you look at a long list it feels totally overwhelming.

Pick three things to start - the ones I would suggest are:

Cut back on drinking as it really does fuck your sleep. Keep it as a Friday/Saturday night treat. If you stop mid-week drinking, you should start sleeping better.

Ditch the 5am starts. You're tired out and have a lot going on, don't make yourself feel worse. It's a nice idea but you need to try and rebuild your energy so cutting short your sleep won't help with that. It's something you can look at doing in the future if you want.

Wash your hair, don't wear knackered old clothes, and keep up with basic grooming. So if you shave your underarms and legs, take the five minutes in the shower and get them done at least once a week (obviously ignore if you don't remove body hair!). You don't need to dress up - but wear nice clothes even if it's a clean pair of jeans versus your knackered old joggers with the coffee stain.

When you start to feel less tired, and better about yourself, you're more inclined to want to do longer term things - like exercising, or looking at separation.